Degenerate IX

Day 185

Payday. Another one where I wake up before the alarm clock and start stressing about what to do with my money. I decided to overpay debts as I still do not trust myself.

I used my Credit Card a bit too much last month buying c**P I do not need. I will try and be frugal this month as I may be buying myself a nice phone as a reward for reaching my target of 200 days.

Congratulations. Payday is the WORST day of the month but it sounds like you got the better of it this month. You just need to keep this up and carry on each day, day by day.

Day 213

Looking forward to saying good riddance to October. Just the 6 unexpected bills this month and I wasnt as frugal as I planned to be early on in the month. A couple of them I was half expecting but my finances have taken a hit and I will not be rewarding myself for 200 days abstinance with a new Iphone. One of the debts will be a fairly big ongoing expense. I am not that bothered about the phone I am just disappointed my finances are not on track. I am still in a bit of a rush to be gamble free but its going to take a long time to pay off my debts. I need to be patient.

I also had some debt collection agency leaving me an annoying answer phone message to get me to contact them about an unknown debt. I am not calling them back and I am a bit curious/stressed about what the debt could be.

Anyway, I have had lots of thoughts of that one big bet to get me out of a little trouble. Yeah I know.

Pfft if only we could speed up time or erase the past hey? you're doing great and you are GF but will take time to get finances sorted. I'm in the same boat which is so frustrating but odaat is my saviour thought. Take it easy on yourself S:)

Hi degenerate. 213 Days GF is great progress in getting your life back on track. I think you should be proud of your achievement so far. You can only do what you can do and once you've done that you can't do no more ....stephen

Thanks all. Yeah I have made progress. I just want quicker progress.

Day 215

The person who was responsible for me having to cancel my holiday plans earlier this year gave me a call yesterday. They had a big win gambling and now wanted to book a holiday for the end of next month. fk off. I am a bit annoyed. Well, a bit furious and thoughts of getting a big win myself. I kept busy, I got through the day.

I am going to get thoughts of gambling. I need to keep ignoring them. Although I am tempted i feel fairly strong as I have had a number of excuses to gamble at various times over the last 200 days.

Good work. 215 days is like a miracle to be off gambling so well done.

I've struggled more or less every day to stay off gambling in this recovery. It's been a fight, but I don't mind a battle.

I once went back to gambling after a mate sent me a FB message saying he was making £100s a month on this new system. When I started copying it I wasn't making anything and soon realised he was talking sh i t e. By then it was too late and I was gambling out of control again.

Thanks T, keep battling. We will continue to struggle every day. jus learn to accept it.

Day 225

Still no iphone. I decided to buy some new gym clothes and a few supplements I didnt really need for my 200 days reward. I have stopped thinking about gambling during the week. Even though I work in the city and walk past a hundred different bookmakers over the course of a month I am rarely tempted to bet. I still dwell a bit on financial issues and get tempted at the weekends.

I managed to go a whole week with a chunk of money in my cash account as a little experiment. I planned on going the whole month with money available to see how i could handle it but I was just taking a risk I didnt need to. Paid the money towards CCs today. No money and no temptation.

[9000]

I agree - don't test or tempt yourself, its just not worth it? I spent years in GA rooms listening to gamblers who did exactly that, to somehow prove to themselves that they were improved / better than they were / on the way to being normal again.

In every instance that they tried that in the first 18 months that person then went back to gambling (not neccessarily immediately either). In many cases they slipped back a few weeks or months AFTER having ready access to it in an unmonitored account or carrying cash.

This is because a gambler needs Time and Money to act out. And when life throws you a curve ball (mega stress / bereavement / arguments / dissappoints / etc) then our way of dealing with it is to run & escape from it, or numb ourselves up so we can't feel it. If the money is there, you will instinctively grab for it without it even going past your brain. And you're back at square one wondering what went wrong.

The worst thing you can do in these early stages is test yourself and succeed. Why? Your gambler brain interprets this as the fact that you are no longer sick and gets ready to go again.

So do yourself a favour and leave the experiments for now. There will be a time to keep money closer, but I guantee you the safest way for now is to keep it as far away as possible.

Been clean for 25yrs now and handle lots of money without fear of gambling. But didn't try to tempt or test myself for first 2 years, in order to give my brain a chance to rewire itself and forge some better behaviours. Have a read of my recovery thread and see if there's anything there you can use.

Good luck mate
Mike

@GamblerHelp Thank you very much for taking time to add a comment to my diary. I just read your own recovery thread and its a must read for all of us on this site. 25 years gamble free is amazing.

Day 249

I still need to get better at spending money. I am having thoughts of a nice gambling win in order to justify buying a few pricey presents when I could easily just buy the presents outright. I have made a few impulsive purchases in the last few months but I realise I only buy items that are on offer and most of the time I buy things I dont need. I need to practice paying full price for items I need. No more impulse buys.

Hi bro ,

Wishing you a very merry Christmas and a GF 2018 !

Sars

Day 275

I was unable to avoid all the Boxing Day racing and happened to watch a couple of races. The first race was awesome, a bunch of horses all jumped well, looked like they might win and it ended with a close finish between many horses. I miss the racing and got a bit nostalgic. I have since seen a ridiculous race on the news where the trainers 4th string won after the favourite jumped into the railings at 2nd last and the other 2 fell at the last.

Anyway racing is not my problem. Being unable to accept any kind of loss is my problem. I will not win cos I will not stop.

I have been feeling complacen thoughts recently. I need to be strong till New Year. I have thought this would be a nice time for a relapse cos I am fairly decent when I stop at New Year. Stupid thoughts. I need to keep busy during my time off. Unfortunately, I have done something to my back and will not be going to the gym soon.

Hi Degenerate

275 days gf is brilliant, well done.

As you will know from chat last night, I have been having similar complacent thoughts to you. I am also finding the period between Xmas and New Year difficult. It is now the 28th Dec. My immediate aim is to go to bed tonight still gf. It will then be the 29th and I will repeat the same ODDAT approach until after the New Year. Hopefully at that point the urges will lessen (before this week I haven't had any for ages) and then I should be back on track.

Keep the resolve and keep reminding yourself that "we can not win because we can not stop". I have spent the last 30 years 're-investing' any winnings I had and always with the same result, lose it all, borrow more, lose that too, more stress, more misery and limited time for my family. We need to make sure we are not sucked back in to that misery.

46 and Out.

@46

Pleased to read you got past New Year still gamble free. Keep going, you are doing great.