A fools diary

Day 1 pm

Still thinking of playing the slots thats probably why I have come back on here.

So here I am almost at the end of Day 1.

Been thinking about what has gotten me to this situation. I rarely gambled on anything with 'real' cash and when I did was in full control and very very small bets. £10 being probably biggest on a horse or a football game. On therare occasions I went to a casino I would only ever take what i was prepared to lose but making sure I enjoyed it. Begrudged paying £1.99 to use their cash machines so didnt bother.

And here I am now after having spent £1,000's on online slots at £50 - £250 per spin. What on earth possesed me.

I can walk into a bookies or a casino and ignore the slots BUT sit me infront of a PC and I can think of nothing else desperate to get those wins.

And I have won big but put it all back almost as quick as it came. I think the truth about my addiction really hit home last weekend when in two sessions I ended up £75K up, only by the end of the weekend to have put it all back. And then to be up another £40K for it all to go back. At both times I actually withdrew it put it in the bank and then deposited it all again.

This is the forst time I have said/written it and cant believe what I a writing.

I am a sensible 52 year old and run my own business ( well I thought I was sensible and have I really been running my business?) The truth is the slots have been running me.

Wow it feels strange writing it and even stranger reading it back.

I won't gloss over it if you're playing that sort of money you need some serious help. You need to ask yourself how sustainable is an addiction of that magnitude? Eventually you'll most likely lose everything to addiction if you don't address the situation. Have you thought about any peer support groups like ga?

I have thought of groups but cant bring myself to talk to anyone yet. That said it has been refreshing/weird just talking on here, so maybe hopefully once I start opening up a bit I will find myself able to tell others exactly how I felt.

I havent slept since last night and really have thought about nothing else, mostly tring to work out why and how.......?????

The last two years in my 'Real life' have been fantastic but why was I set on a path of detruction?? That s my burning question

Well, a first little personal success, wife will be back from her gym class soon and I havent gambled.......to be honest I didnt want to....small steps seems to be one thing I have learnt from this forum...so thank you. Out all day tomorrow so no chance of gambling so going to sleep confident of making it to Day 3

Day 2

And I wake up thinking of nothing else. Good i am out and not near a PC, it would be so hard not to gamble.

I dont smoke in the house so for the year when I go outside my brain is buzzing on how to get by after another big loss. Still doing the same this morning.

Whatafool. Sounds like you need to get your blocks in place so that even if you are near a PC, you can't access any gambling sites. Use your ISPs filters or software (K9 is free, GamBlock, Betfilter etc. are paid for) and also get your mobile phone provider to block 18+ sites. That way even if you find yourself tempted you can't do yourself any damage.

Oh the power of addiction. I remember it well, even though I stopped gambling nearly 4 years ago. I knew gambling was harming me, but I could not control it, or more to the point, I could not control my brain which was totally hooked on the adrenaline and endorphins that my gambling produced.

Overcoming my addiction took time and I realised that I needed to retrain my brain to have any chance. I got my endorphins through exercise and occupied my time with anything to fill the huge void. Sometimes I just did stupid things to distract myself, other times I was more productive....to be fair, not many things are less productive than gambling.

It was nearly a year before I knew I had won my battle, before all my urges stopped and any thoughts of gambling disappeared. I was not prepared for such a long battle, I thought it would be much easier. It was without doubt the toughest thing I have ever done, but also by far the most rewarding. Just as noone understands a gambling addict apart from another gambling addict, I cannot articulate where I am now. When you get there, you will understand.

Take care my friend. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.

Ken

Whatami, Sunbeam,

Thank you for your thoughts, advise and kind encouragement. Nearly at the end of Day 2 and all is well. Just been paid and no urge to spend waste it gambling. In fact just transferred some into my empty (was nicely full) savings account.

Actually looking forward to Day 3 now. I will turn this around I am not stupid but have been this past year or so!!!! Now I just need to prove that to myself.

So Day 3 is here,

I am still thinking a lot about gambling but am in front of the PC and coming on here definitely helps to stay away from the sites, even though I have excluded myself.

So working my way through Day 3, still thinking of those d**n online slots often but more so how bloody stupid I have been for so long. But I dont have any intention or urge to go on the sites ( Ithink) maybe thinking about them is really an urge......I am not sure how my mind works these days.

What i do kinow for sure that typing on here knowing that people with similar thoughts does help 🙂

So thank you all for just being there

Hi whatafool, this is my first day and I came across your diary I know exactlly what your saying. I realised today when I total up all my loans and credit cards etc I am £80,000 in debt when I have been thousands up when playing online slots but like you always had to put it back in and then went for the bigger bets god knows why. Now I have had to take a real hard look at my life and accept I'm an addict but hopefully with the help of others like me I can beat this one.

Hi madish,

Thank you for your post, it does help being on here, I find looking, reading and posting has certainly me through these first few days. Keep posting and stay strong, determined and off the casino sites.

So here I am at Day 4.........I havent got any urges at the moment but to be honest I never did, or did I???

Did I trick myself that there were no urges just have a little play......its your money....so even if you lost a couple of goes wont hurt.......then when you do lose........Right thats it I can beat this if I keep playing I am going to win big....Oh d**n all my money has gone.

There only was ever one winner.......and it wasnt me.....

Hi whatafool,

Well done for resisting, each day gamble free is a victory for you. No doubt temptation is great so consider installing K9 or something similar, invent a long impossible password with different characters and it should help. Take it day by day, you are in the right place here, keep reading and posting.

Stay safe and strong.

Paulds