Thanks again to all who comment. Means allot to have support, and as always nice to see people getting something out of this mad diary!
Day 153.
Just to add to what Jay said about hating gambling like a person who treated you badly. Imagine someone took all your money and left you skint for the month. Imagine they kept you awake all night. Imagine they broke up relationships and made you deceptive to loved ones. Now imagine they did this to you every month, for years. You'd want to smack that person. You wouldn't stand for it. That person was you, with a gambling addiction. I've learned that, yes, I did all those things, but I was held to ransom by this addiction. At the time I really felt like I had no choice. Once the bet was placed, the other things came so easy. the gambler took over. That's the person I hate. The gambler. the other side of me. The side who will never appear again if I can help it.
Makes us sounds like we have a split personality when you say it like that, which I suppose is not too far from the truth. We have a secret life that controls us. We are a different person when in the gambling mood. Luckily when we are free from that person, we change and can leave that person behind. As long as we keep hating that other person and keep them out of our minds, we can be a better, nicer person.
Rambling again! Back to work.
Stay strong 👍
154.
Payday today and transferred some more to my debts and some more to my savings. Look at me being an adult!
Finished night shifts this morning. Slept til midday, now in bed again, absolutely knackered. Picking up the pooch tomorrow though so super excited.
I never imagined 5 months ago that I would have savings, still have money in my normal account for the month, be able to buy myself something is I want to, and to not feel in anyway stressed about money. My whole life was a money stress. Hiding my finances from myself, my partner, basically the world. It was my little secret, that I didn’t even really know about fully! Makes me sad thinking about it, but also makes me laugh at how much control I didn’t have.
Anyway, book then bed. Night all
Stay strong 💪
@p6z38njbqm Hi Fish 🐟. It’s so nice to read that other people are taking so much from your diary entries and you taking the time to post on theirs!👏👏👏. We have both been on this journey together and just 4 days apart - that makes you now always 4 days older than me!🤣🤣.
Not sure about the fast tracking of your passport - given that I only trained in all our GDPR yesterday!😆. I may be able to give you some advice however if you need it on anything passport related.
Enjoy your time off with your doggy and enjoy treating yourself to something nice. I have lost count of all the nice things I have treated myself to in the last month! This is what can happen when we don’t gamble 👌.
Take care 💪.
Pink Lady 🩷🍎.
155.
GDPR is a nightmare, trust me I know. I work with video cameras, lots of them, and the issues with have with GDPR is unreal!
Well today did not go as planned. Picked up pooch, had some fun walks, everything was going well, and then I opened my mail. Boom! Hammer blow to the head. Luckily in a very good way!
Ive been waiting years now for the result of the military pension review. Basically I (aswell as many others) were forced onto a different pension scheme. It got raised at court and has been going through them for years now. Finally I got my letter. My monthly pension will now be increasing. I’m due back pay on that too, with interest for last 7 years. Plus my lump sum when I left was too small, so I’m due back money there too. Turns out spending most of your career in the forces pays off! No idea when I’ll receive a payout but if it’s before 2025 not only will I be debt free, I’ll be in a positive money situation. Already planning a holiday!
Now it’s time to look more closely at ISAs etc. Don’t think I’ll get a mortgage yet due to credit score but will be looking for a financial advisor this week to see what my options are. All sounds very grown up 😂
Not the day I expected, but just shows that if you put the hard work in, eventually you get a bit of good luck. The best thing is, I know for a fact, none of it will be wasted on gambling.
Stay strong 💪
@p6z38njbqm Fabulous news Fish! 🐟👏👏👏👏👌. As I always say - “patience is a virtue”!!😀. You deserve this and also you deserve to be able to plan a nice holiday after all the work you have put in to staying g.f.
Enjoy the rest of your weekend.
Pink Lady 🩷🍎.
156.
I read a comment about the moment of waking up broke for the month today. I can’t even count the number of times that happened to me. Escapism all night, always ending in tears. The weird thing is, I remember going to bed on those occasions thinking ‘it will be ok’. Not sure how I ever figured that! I was in a complete dream world. The amount of times I knew I would struggle for the month. I always managed to scrape by. Usually by getting a loan or increasing a credit card limit. Today I closed down a credit card, fully paid off, and it had made me smile all day! It’s been 4 months of paydays since I quit. 4 months I’ve had money. 3 months since I’ve had money left on payday. This month I have nearly 2 months rent saved. Paid off some loans, bought a mattress topper and stocked up on food and petrol. No concerns in the world for money. If I want to buy something, I can. That’s what we all wanted when we gambled. We thought we could be rich. Turns out being rich is just living a normal life. No one really wants to eat caviar everyday! Just being able to buy whatever food you fancy, or whatever bottle of wine floats your boat. Will save the caviar for special occasions 😂
Leave gambling behind. Be the person you thought you could be with gambling. All you have to do is quit gambling and it’s yours.
Stay strong 💪
157.
Thought a lot about addiction and my story today. Too much to post here. Would probably make a good book, but I’ll try explain my thoughts.
As a late teenager I got into things I shouldn’t have. I found out very quickly I enjoyed the dopamine hit. To the extent I was always chasing more. You name it I went there. I’ve always been someone who thinks they can get an easy ride in life too, so one thing turned to another and before you know it, I’m providing that dopamine hit to others so I can get mine for free. Looking back, I’m horrified at my actions, but it’s amazing what things we can do to chase that hit. Violence, illegally activities, basically the worst of the worst. I knew I was in deep. I had 3 options. Continue as I was and die in a gutter, jail, or escape. I chose escape. I did that by joining the military.
Cold turkey but in a hardcore fashion! Best thing I ever did. Never looked back. This time I got my dopamine hit from being trained for violence. For the first few years I didn’t get much action on that front. I settled into being a normal person. It was great. A few years later I rotated in and out of war zones doing what I was trained for. The buzz returned. Armed conflict is a horrible thing, but for some it’s what we live for. No one would join the military if it wasn’t that way. Humans have always lived with conflict. Not sure how we’ve survived as a species this long.
When I left the military, my dopamine buzz wasn’t there. I wasnt getting it all the time previously so had started to substitute it with gambling. This got worse. The constant need for some kind of hit was always there. And that leaves me here today. Gambling addict. Ex lots of things addict. Dopamine junky.
So here I am. No dopamine buzz. No exciting prospects ahead. No actions that are out of the normal way of human life. 2 addictions down. 1 further addiction to excitement (dopamine), not confirmed. So how am I fairing?
Today I had a bath. I enjoyed it. Didn’t last long; I was too hot!. I’ve had 20-25 years of buzzing off various dopamine rushes. I’ve been lucky in that I’m still alive, and I’m not in jail. I have a good job. I have a home. For once in my life, I don’t need the buzz. My buzz now is spending time with my dog, watching a film, reading a book, and having a 15 min bath. Think I’m all buzzed out!
Long one tonight. Sorry folks! What I’m trying to say is, the past is exactly that. You can’t change it. I wish my life had turned out differently, but it hasn’t. Only thing I’ve got now is the future.
Stay strong 💪
P.S. I’ve not done anything illegal in like 25 years. I’m a responsible and law abiding citizen now! 😂
@p6z38njbqm I believe you Fish 🐟!😜. Hope you have a good week ahead.
Pink Lady 🩷🍎
158.
Nice and easy. Got poochy again. Excited about being woken up at 05:30 again! That’s sometimes the time I used to go to bed when gambling! How times have changed. 20:20 and I’m in bed already. Got my new mattress topper today so that needs tested. That’s my excuse anyway 😂
Night all. Stay strong 💪
@p6z38njbqmHi Fish 🐟. I was in bed myself for just before 9.30pm! Unheard of for me but think I will be doing this more often, especially as autumn/winter approaches and those dam energy prices will be rising by 10% come October!!😡.
Enjoy your week ahead.
Pink Lady 🩷🍎.
158.
Nice and easy. Got poochy again. Excited about being woken up at 05:30 again! That’s sometimes the time I used to go to bed when gambling! How times have changed. 20:20 and I’m in bed already. Got my new mattress topper today so that needs tested. That’s my excuse anyway 😂
Night all. Stay strong 💪
159.
For some reason, the dog wants me up at stupid o’clock. 04:20 we were out for a walk this morning. Went back to bed but he woke me up at 06:00 again. No idea why, as he sleeps til 8 or 8:30 with my ex. Think he sees me as a soft touch, or a play thing. Very annoying. Knackered.
Will hopefully get to test my mattress topper properly tonight. It was comfy last night (for the short time I was on it!)
Should have been on my honeymoon this week. Instead I’m typing up a diary about how much my life has changed. Am I sad? Yes, massively. Do I have regrets, No. I couldn’t change what I’ve done. I’ve realised that gamblers can’t accept defeat until a certain point. That’s when recovery can begin. I reached that point and it’s changed my life. If I had regrets, it’s not reaching that point sooner, but I firmly believe, you have to reach that point naturally before you can beat this. If it’s forced, I think there is the chance to slip back into it. Just my thoughts. I might be well wide of the mark! For me, I needed that eureka moment. I was ready. I thought I was ready several times before, but i clearly wasn’t, and that’s because I remember saying to myself, I’m ready, but I’ll do it my way. Basically I was saying, I’ll still gamble when I want to. But I’ll try and keep it in control. Never going to happen. For me it took that one massive switch in my life to realise lots of things. Gamblings not for me, my ex wasn’t for me, my life up until now was made up of 2 stories, I am so much better without 1 of them.
Stay strong 💪
160.
Stayed up a bit later to chat to an old mate. Was great to catch up. Way past my bedtime now though 😂.
Had a few wines, listened to some of my favourite songs, now in bed happy as a munchkin! Won’t tell you my favourite songs as they are so eclectic it would probably start a whole new thread.
No gambling, no issues, night all!
Stay strong 💪
161.
Fast approaching half a year. Crazy to think how my life has changed in that time. I’m a completely different person now. I finally feel like a responsible grown up. I always felt like that when it came to work, but outside work I was always a disaster. Money wise, I’ve never had a clue. Never looked at my bank, just spent until it was gone. Now I check it daily, I move money to a savings account, I’m planning an ISA (still got lots of research to do in this. Very complex!). My money is accounted for daily. The best thing about all this is that if I see something, I can buy it. Saw a duvet set in Tesco today. Didn’t think twice. Straight in the trolley. It was a club card deal, but still. Feels so good to be able to be like this.
Still on plan to be debt free by the new year. Depending on how long my military pension settlement takes, it may be sooner, although I’ve read it could still be ages for that, and knowing the MOD, it will be a fight to the end to get it.
Hope everyone is having a nice gamble free day. If you can get through the first few weeks you will really start to see a new you. Give it a few months and you’ll be the happiest you’ve been in a long time.
Stay strong 💪
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