Sorry to hear about the family situation. But great progress on gambling front and really glad you are engaging with health support. You got this!
20 days, 3 weeks gamble free tomorrow! 💪
I’ve got allot off my chest today. I’ve never been a talker. Always bottled things up. With my GA sessions and a visit to the mental health nurse today I realise that my new addiction is talking. Keeping this diary has been a huge help. Just spilling my mind keeps the bad thoughts away. I know deep down that if a talk through things my mind has nowhere to pull secrets from to surprise me.
I swear in 20 years time, I’ll still be going to GA meetings. 20 years clean, but still talking. It’s the only cure in my mind. Well that and not gambling 😂. Luckily being honest and open has meant I really have no desire or urge to go anywhere near gambling.
My life is in ruins, my family is destroyed, but for once in my life I’m not afraid of my own thoughts. They are out there, I’m not alone with my thoughts now.
I highly recommend this folks. Talk to your loved ones. If, like me, you’re not a talker, send an email. I’m sure it will get easier (I’ll keep you posted on my struggle with this!).
Don’t look back, only look forward 💪💪
21 days. 3 weeks!!! Not even had a thought about gambling. If only I'd sought help sooner.
Today is a very bitter sweet day. On the one hand, I think I've found somewhere to live. It seems nice enough. Its a shared accommodation with my own private room and ensuite. Close to work and reasonable rent. on the other hand accepting this means my marriage is over. No longer will I see my amazing family, my gorgeous wife, my pain in the a*s stepson!, or my amazing little dog. I know I hurt her terribly and I know she can never forgive me for that. Its just a desperate shame to see this go to waste. We were soulmates.
Oh well. At least I have a place to live and wont be living in my car again. See, positive thoughts!!
Stay strong 👍
Well done on getting to 3 weeks Fish. 🐟👏👏. Tough as things are, keep surging ahead with those positive thoughts.
Take care and keep your chin up.
Pink Lady. 🩷🍎
22 days, no thoughts of gambling even with a little bit of money to my name today.
My feelings today are as follows:
Petrified
That is all!
My amazing gorgeous wife is speaking to a solicitor to get a separation agreement drawn up. I have already agreed that I will do nothing to her financially now or in the future but she has been stung before and I can understand why. I have sworn though that I will leave with nothing. She will not be impacted by my actions. I was deceitful for our entire relationship. Only in one way. Money. This addiction is such an emotional rollercoaster. My thoughts were always, I can win big and make our life’s amazing. The irony is that now we have no life together. If that’s not enough to make me never gamble I don’t know what is.
So why am I petrified? Well I’m looking for accommodation now. If I live in a shared flat with a random person like a student; I can pay off my 50k debt in 2 years. Then my life can begin again. I’m not petrified of gambling. I know I can beat that. I’m petrified of being without her. I can’t bear the thought of not seeing her. I honestly didn’t think you could find ‘the one’ but I did and then promptly ruined it.
So my positive for today is this. If you can find everything you ever dreamed of and then throw it away, then gambling is not for you. I’m lucky to have spent the time we spent together. I’m hurt beyond belief what this addiction made me do to her, but I know she will be better off with me out of her life. So that’s what I’ll do. I’ll leave her in a good place with no fear of reprisals, no fear of an ex chasing her money. I didn’t deserve her, and she doesn’t deserve that. I’ll forever remember our time together and forever feel the pain of what I’ve done, but she will not suffer for that. That’s the biggest positive I can ever imagine.
Stay safe folks. Keep beating the bookies by keeping your money 💪
Tough one tonight. Not due to gambling. That’s not even a thing anymore, but my wife admits she reads this. Doesn’t mean I won’t be as honest as always. Viewed a place today. Not great. Amazing place but would take far too long to get to work. Chatted to family today and came to the conclusion that o could leave the relays with nothing, but I entered it with nothing and put so much in. Yes I gambled, yes I hid this, yes I thought I was in control, and yes I thought I was doing it for the benefit of my family. Obviously I was totally wrong. Gambling is for the benefit of the bookies, no one else. I committed my life to my family though and although I messed it up, I won’t go out with nothing. We’ve agreed a sort of agreement (still to be finalised) where I don’t leave empty handed. I think it’s best for all involved: I’ll walk away, no strings, but the last few years means something now rather than a see you later; don’t come back affair.
I swear on my life I’ll never gamble again. I know this is the gamblers go to phrase but you know it’s true. I’ve lost too much to even consider it. I’ve never felt so open in my mind and my conversations since coming clean. Marriage out the window, head clear as glass. If only I’d done this a while ago. Oh well. At least I know she knows and maybe just one day, she will understand
Positive though; sat in the pub today; watching football, next to a fruit machine. I moved seats as it made me. So uncomfortable. Not because I wanted to gamble; but because I knew it was just a machine designed to take my money. I actually laughed at people playing it. Suckers!!
stay strong 💪
23 days; my bad!
24 days. Fast approaching 1 month gamble free and clear minded with no urges. Just had a lovely walk in the rain with my little buddy. Gonna miss my dog like mad! Good time to think though and consider my life. I have decided that my marriage meant so much to me, but it’s clearly obvious it meant more to me than to my wife. I was her rock through some very tough times, all while fighting my own demons. I know I lied, I was scared to open up, and thought I could fix my own situation. That’s what gamblers do. Now she seems more concerned about this impacting her credit score than anything else. So I am now more determined than ever to find a new place, work as much overtime as I can and get my debt paid off. I’ve set a timeline of 2 years but I aim to beat that. I will be debt free, I will buy a house, I will be a grown up! And I will do this for me, no one else. I don’t need anyone else. Not until I’m a normal person again. Luckily for me I am now not a gambler, I’m an ex gambler and I intent to keep it that way.
Positive thought go the day:
I can actually see the end in sight. Coming clean has been huge for me and made me realise what I could be living like. I see it, I want it, I will have it.
Stay strong 💪
Also found a lump bang in the middle of my chest, feels like bone but is sore to touch. Suppose I better go to the doctors!
Hi Fish. 🐟. Yes, docs I would say. Best be on the safe side and it could be nothing but you don’t need the added anxiety. Best of luck. 🙏
Pink Lady. 🩷🍎.
25 days baby! Today has had its ups and downs. Doctor appointment booked for tomorrow so hopefully nothing of concern there. Put a holding deposit down on am apartment today. Its a new build and looks perfect for me. Close to work, but still close enough to my current home so i can still attend GA meetings and visit the dog. My new place allows pets which is a massive bonus. this means I can have the little guy round some nights. He's literally been my only support through all this. He's not left my side. Guys a hero!
I also had my first session with the GamCare support via telephone today. It was great to get things off my chest and she was pleasantry surprised at the steps I've already taken. This was just an intro session to discuss a few things. My first proper session is on Thursday.
On the downside, the wife was at the solicitors today having the separation agreement drawn up. I knew coming clean and owning up to my addiction could ruin things. I never once imagined it being this fast, or this brutal. Oh well, live and learn. I'm officially off relationships forever!! turns out you never know the true person until things go wrong. I know she thinks this of me too.
3 night shifts at work to content with now. Yippee!!!!
Stay strong folks 💪
26 days and counting. No thoughts whatsoever of gambling.
What a difference 24 hours makes. I was so excited about things yesterday. My life had a goal, one that I’ve always wanted and I could see it. Today, compete opposite. Probably one of my lowest days ever. My new property need a full credit reference check. That will more than likely exclude me from getting it. It was perfect for me and I could really see me setting up a new life. Back to the drawing board on that. Not sure how I’ll find something.
Went to doctors about lump on sternum today. After examining it and calling in a second opinion I have been referred for a chest xray. The questions made it sound really ominous. Have you lost weight recently, smoker or ex smoker etc. gotta wait 7-10 days after the xray for results. Not even had it yet so there’s another 2 weeks of stress after I just got rid of my stress levels.
The wife was concerned. She asked me to get a solicitor so we could speed up the process of getting rid of me. Genuinely feels like I meant nothing to her.
Right now I have no one to talk to. Nothing to look forward to. Just more stress and worry, after finally freeing myself from gambling and all the secrets my life is now worse off. Should have stayed quiet and dealt with the gambling myself! Cant even go to my parents as can’t afford the petrol and I will not be telling them about my medical concerns as they are worried enough about my marriage and home situation.
On the plus side: I made some sandwiches for work tonight. Been living if about 1000 calories a week and caffeine for a while. At least I’ll get some more calories if I manage to eat them tonight. Gotta think positive I suppose 😂
Anyway, off to work. Stay strong 💪
@p6z38njbqm Hi Fish🐟. So sorry to hear all this. 😔. Sometimes that saying “we need to take the rough with the smooth” can often transform to “we need to take the rough with the rough”! This is what is happening to you - just for now. Things will definitely iron out for you at some point. 🙏. Patience is a virtue for us gamblers!
I understand your anxieties around your credit checks. I am in a similar position to you. Thankfully, I have my own property with no mortgage, however, I am awaiting clearance from the Home Office at my local passport department, for a full-time role (decided to go back to full time work to earn extra money instead of trying/forever failing and more with gambling). I have passed the interview/awaiting a start date BUT….. one of the questions on the clearance asked if I perceived myself to be struggling/in debt! I decided to just be as honest as possible and thought “who isn’t in some sort of debt these days”?! Whether that be through having a mortgage, an overdraft, (which I don’t have), or with a debt management company (which I do have). If anything comes back, I will be open and honest and answer by saying, “I don’t see it as a problem as I am successfully managing my monthly repayments and paying my debts off each month. End of! At the end of the day, I do not know what they are checking over so why worry about it? The rest I will leave to God above and hope he looks down on me favourably. 🙏. I hope it doesn’t come to this however and the clearance is processed without any hiccups 🙏. We cannot afford to worry about things that are out of our control. 🤷🏻♀️. We have enough stress dealing with the stuff that has landed us here!!
I know it’s tough just keep plodding through it all, day at a time and hopefully things will come good for you sooner rather than later. At least you are remaining g.f so for this, you need to commend yourself. 👏👏👏
Take care and keep that chin up.
Pink Lady. 🩷🍎.
Day 27 gamble free. No thoughts of gambling and head is clear.
Thanks pink lady. I'm sure everything will work out in the end. Just gonna be a tough and uncertain few months. Sent off my reference stuff for my new accommodation. Had to tell my boss about my marriage break up too as she needs to be a reference for my application. Fingers crossed it gets accepted, but still doubtful. If not I'll be looking for a tent!
Still no word from doctors about getting a chest x-ray either. Just another thing to worry about.
On the plus side, I'm off work tomorrow so can spend some time with my little dog. He's the only thing keeping me going right now. People at work keep asking what's wrong. I'm claiming to be tired but in reality I'm emotionally and physically broken. Gonna try and eat some proper food tomorrow and get some proper sleep.
Stay strong
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