Diary 2

Hi D. The tolerance I had built up meant the junk as I refer to those pills meant that even on a high dose the effect was limited. So I would say the gambling increased. I'm not off the drug completely yet but I'm getting there. It's very hard but I get a lot of support from my gorgeous wife, decent friends and I only have a small circle and another forum I use. Thanks for your post Deano. Phil

Dear Diary: Question to self? Do I think there are different types of CGs - not just because of poison of choice (machines, horses etc. but motivation? For some "winning" money, for some the "buzz", for some relieving boredom and for others a distraction from other issues/anxieties/problems? My answer is yes and I fall into the latter category. When I was afraid that I was going to gamble last week it wasn't anything to do with the appeal of the festival - it could have been anywhere. It just happened to be that day my head did a number on me. What I tried to explain was that it wasn't a question of wanting to gamble or urges but somehow "giving" into the thoughts against my will. As I said before as I write this I can see how irrational it is/was but if you are the sort of person like me who has a tendency to take thoughts too seriously it can be rather frightening. On the hand I've recently been reading a book about anxiety and the author makes the statement "they are only thoughts and no-one need ever be bluffed by a thought". All the best, Phil.

Grumpy post so deleted.

Phil72 wrote:

Grumpy post so deleted.

I read it before you deleted it

There was a reason why I deleted it and it was not specific to gambling. It was to do with the journey and not wanting to be an a-hole spontaneously (poor spelling!) but I am coming off highly addictive medication WHILE not gambling which is not an excuse but which means my moods are up and down and I sometimes post without thinking about other people's feelings but more often I do than not. It's my diary - anything you find offensive is (but my God I've had tougher comments to deal with than that) not intended - but I did not refer to a specific addiction/dependency and I wish you all the best. Hence the deletion. Phil.

NO need to validate your self Phil! After all, as you've said it's your diary and it's also ok to be grumpy. In fact if you can leave grumpiness on this forum and take your good self into 3d, well that has to be good hai ?

I'm seeing a difference in your posts of late ... in a good way, as if something is clicking into place.

Good on you

Thank you Volcano. Best wishes, Phil.

I got mega-confused with my Debt Management Plan review yesterday - mostly gambling related debts. Partly my fault and partly the advisor I spoke with. Anyway it has been clarified now which has given me some peace of mind. I'll have to pay an extra £45 per month but should (If I stick to the plan and stay bet-free) be clear of debt in October. I know a DMP isn't for everyone but my credit rating was ruined anyway so hopefully I can now start to re-build it. Best wishes, Phil.

Again I don't want to sabotage some else's entry but the comment was along the lines of "did you actually care about the debt you accumulated when you were an active CG?" Personally I did and found it super-stressful but I could not see a way out or a way to stop gambling. More importantly I could not look most people in the eye because I had lied, cheated, stolen and generally been a b-astard when I was in the grips of the addiction. That might sound like I'm being harsh on myself but I believe in "tough love" even towards myself (well, most of the time!) I couldn't say "Oh poor me, I got addicted to gambling". I had to say "I GOT addicted to gambling through choices I made so what am I going to do to find out why and how do I move forward?" I am still finding out on a daily basis. Small steps. I am also working on my temper (non-violent but verbal) and throwing my toys out of the pram which I'm prone to do. Again, small steps but part of recovery and becoming a better person I hope. Best wishes, Phil.

Dear diary: a kinder comment to myself. I haven't had a bet for 407 days - maybe just a number; whatever. Additionally I have spent 11 months so far addressing a long-term addiction to tranquillisers which you cannot just stop. It has to be a slow process which in my case has been supported by a brilliant GP and my wife who is slowly starting to get to know me again and slowly, slowly trust me again. I know my tranquilliser dependency and build up of tolerance contributed to my gambling but I AM PROUD today with what I have achieved with the withdrawal which is HORRENDOUS even slowly - 40mg of valium a day to 11mg now. Next week down to 10mg and forward. Best wishes, Phil.

I think there were some interesting comments - some I agreed with some I didn't about the female only chatroom. I kind of agree with despite the short notice but maybe it could have been at a different time to the normal chatroom? Other face-to-face fellowships have only female meetings so I think if it makes female CGs/recovering CGs and family members feel more comfortable that is cool. Just my view. Phil.

I've been very uptight - so I'm trying to lighten up a bit so my goal in the next 26 days is to do a letter a day related to non-gambling from the alphabet and I would love others to contribute positively to it. So today's letter is:

A - Abstinence.

I'm in

Addiction

Oh non gambling lol I've Fd that up already I'll go attitude then

Nothing wrong with your contribution Deano! Plus attitude is cool!