Diary 2

Happy birthday Phil.
Glad to see youve had that realisation. If recovery feels like a prison sentance then yes, youre missing something.

Phil72 wrote:

Dear diary: What I - just me - have learnt in the last couple of days. Avoidance is not recovery. Living in terror is not recovery. Trying to block out people talking about betting is not recovery. Plus other stuff.

As they say you can't run forever. You can only work on yourself if other people want to talk about it let them

Personally I enjoy people talking about gambling. My friends at work talk to me at least three times a day of what they would do if they won the lottery. It makes me smile because I've sold myself that dream for years on end.

But it's their choice what dream they sell themselves. If you let go of your anger towards the industry and people talking about gambling recovery is a pretty peaceful place to be.

Happy birthday phil

Happy birthday Phil

Thanks guys

*** Happy Birthday Phil *** !

Thank you mixer

Appreciate the responses and had a nice bet-free birthday but I felt extremely fragile this week and it was no joke/complacency but then I think I'm doing something wrong? If anyone bet-free can enjoy watching a horse race - festival, derby, grand national or whatever that's fine and I respect that massively but I can't. So I see myself now as not being in recovery not because I want to gamble because I DO not but my head is 80 per cent my enemy and 20 percent my friend. I respond to the negativity mentally too much and always have. My diary - but I'm not trying to drag anyone else down. Phil

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Phil, I perfectly understand, as do many of us, that you are not trying to drag anyone down. We enjoy your company on the forums and listenng your opinions, and like most of us, every now and then you can be a bit controversial. No problem with that, it adds to the debate. The thing is, as long as your comments aren't personal, then no-one can take offence. You don't need to worry so much, honestly 🙂

I hope you and your loved ones enjoy the rest of your birthday and I realise, as you well know in light of my recent relapse, how bloody difficult being GF can be, especially this week.

Hang in there Phil, keep that determination of spirit that you (rightfully) show in your posts to the fore!

Happy Birthday Phil 🙂

FWIW, it feels like I flew through my 1st year in recovery celebrating every day that I had gotten through it gamble free...Abstaining was relatively easy. Since then it hasn't been such plain sailing but I don't beat myself up about the tough times anymore, I just keep working on them & me. You can't control your urges but you control whether you act on them so keep pushing through this week & when it is done, you can look back with pride because you figured it out.

I think I'll be figuring it out for the rest of my life!! 🙂

Dear diary: I think I learnt a lot this week - some very tough realisations about where I'm at and where I would like to be. It wasn't a question of being tempted to bet but it was a question of taking the negative garbage in my head far too seriously. As I tried to describe in yesterday afternoon's chatroom it's like a fear of "involuntarily" going and gambling against my will. Obviously I have a choice in the matter and as I write this, I can see how irrational that fear is. I rarely won, I hardly got a buzz out of it and I am slowly realising why it became another inappropriate "distraction" from issues I've had all my life that I have tried to address in therapy in the past - some things I have come to terms and some I haven't and am not sure I ever will. I rarely mention the money I lost on my diary (although like others I have debts to pay back as part of taking responsibility) but the mental state an active CG can get into if the person (i.e. me) already has issues can be horrendous. A very "deep" post but just things to get off my chest. Best wishes, Phil.

Amigos it was a very good chatroom this evening but I will post tomorrow on the subject of medication as it was part of the chat and a person who I highly respect asked me to clarify my issues with tranquillisers. Best wishes, Phil

A long time ago I developed a fear of flying which started with a panic attack on a short flight from Gatwick to Edinburgh. After that I had panic attacks on flights to Hungary and Portugal. All the above were work related trips. After the last one I just could not fly. My ex wanted to go on holiday to Corfu so I went to the doctor's and asked for some medication which he duly provided. Hey presto - no panic attack on the plane. A year later I was offered a work trip to California and again took medication so no panic attack. So as my career improved and I was promoted a couple of times, in my private life I was becoming more and more dependent on tranquillisers - from flying, then trains, buses, meetings, the London Underground etc. and my confidence became more and more eroded. You build up a tolerance so 1mg a day becomes 4mg a day. You have sympathetic doctors who know these pills are only supposed to be for short term use because they are so addictive but see your distress and keeps prescribing them. You try counselling but it doesn't help. Eventually my whole life revolved around pills, taking them before going out of the house because my fear of having panic attacks in public had become so overpowering. The irrational part of it is that despite panic attacks being horrible they are essentially harmless. You won't go "mad", you won't lose control and you won't have a heart attack. The fear of them is what drives it. A year ago, I took the decision with the support of a great doctor at my surgery to come off the drug. I was advised by a consultant that as I had been on it for such a long-time I would have to wean myself off it very slowly - over a year - and was also advised to switch to another tranquilliser which is easier to come off. The first couple of weeks were horrendous - even on a slighty reduced dose. Eleven months later I still feel very fearful at times but I have gone from 40mg a day of Valium to 11mg. As I said the reduction process has to be a slow one after so many years but I'm proud of what I have achieved so far and taking into account bereavement, my wife's health issues and of course, stopping gambling. A lengthy entry but if you have any questions please fire away. Best wishes, Phil.

Ahh nice one phil now I know why you couldn't write it on chat last night.

Would you say your gambling increased whilst taking the tablets or was there less use whilst gambling phil?

Top work for coming off them though I imagine it's pretty hard stuff