Diary 2

C - Commitment

C: Capable

of living with my addiction - ODAAT

Great. Thanks ODAAT!

D - Determination

I have got to a point recently where I do not generally want to intrude on posts if I think - usually unintentionally - I am going to upset people - anonymity can make a person feel like they can say what they like but I don't want to be like that although I have been and spiteful.The forum has been extremely important in my "recovery/journey" so far as well as other things obviously and I have had to learn to respect the value of it. I personally have my own views as we all do and I feel I'm kind of "doing" a lot of the steps without being in GA. My A-Z of recovery has been my way of relieving some of my inner tension on this forum - my behaviour and other people's behaviour towards me. It wasn't and isn't a jokey thing. The other side of the coin to ME is the bitter pills I had to swallow and as an individual as well as a RECOVERING CG I felt some comments were hurtful and inappropriate about my diary entries. I've been hurt and probably hurt other people unless they have skin like a rhino but I think most people don't but the important thing is to move on and help each other. That's today. Best wishes, Phil.

D: Desire

to walk a better path than the destructive one I was on

Desire - cool song on Rattle and Hum by U2 but also a great contribution!

Talking of songs, I was going to go with Dignity which is right up there with Desire.

D: Determination to get up everyday to try and be the best person that I can be.

Phil, I just want to draw a line under something. I have left it this long as I never wish to say anything in anger or regret..and sometimes the red head in me comes out. A few weeks ago, I came out of my comfort zone to support you in something. Your reaction/text/comment felt like you had dismissed my comment in favour of trying to be-friend someone else. At the time that stung, and I held on to it for a bit....I have realised that each of us are on our own journey here, and you probably may not have realised that I put myself out on a limb for you. I just wanted to say that. I am not saying this to evoke any negative feeling from you, I just wanted you to know how I felt.

I am ever so sorry to hear about your wife. I will at some point (and I don't know if your religious) light a candle for you both this weekend. That is the Irish Catholic girls answer to everything. Sleep well.

Julie

E - Enlightenment.

Julie, maybe this is something you should e-mail me about because I'm not sure what you mean or perhaps it would be better to let it be and accept my apologies despite my confusion. I don't have any favouritism here but obviously as many of us, there are certain people I emphathise with more than others which I think is just human nature. Best wishes, Phil.

Phil, you have obviously missed the point of my post. I don't want to message you privately. I just wanted to say to you that a few weeks ago you behaved badly towards me. You don't even know what your apologising for. Whether you realise that or not is fine. All I wanted to say is, I was drawing a line under it. You did show favouritism towards your mate, but that is fine, that is your choice. I guess your just not my type of person, which is actually fine, because we don't need to like everyone that we meet. I just wouldn't go out on a limb to support you again. But I wanted to acknowledge the sad stuff that is happening in your life right now. I realise from reading the above post, that you just don't 'get it'. That's fine. I wish you ever success with your journey. Have a great day.

Julie

E - Empathy

Empathy for others....Empathy for ourselves.

Mari x

Nice Mari.

I realised today where I am at and how far I am from where I want to be. I realised as some people know I have also been addressing a long-term dependency on tranquillisers since last April which has, I think without making excuses, made me erratic and irritable as well as especially anxious. I realised that I have come a long way with the gambling and pills since last (massive daily doses of valium) year but after a tearful appointment with my hugely supportive GP I realised that in the last stages of coming off those pills I need help. I really do. The dependency and craving can be overwhelming even if you know that after a long-time they are just having a placebo effect. So I have been in touch with a local organisation which help people with all sorts of addiction/dependency issues and they will ring me on Monday for an assessment. Good move by me I think but boy what a tough day. Best wishes, Phil.

E: Enthusiasm

something I have a lot more of these days. Soz for delay, had problems persuading them I wasn't a robot :-0