Hello, my name is Carmen, and I am a compulsive gambler.
Today I am 81 days gamble free.
It took hitting complete rock bottom for me to finally admit that I had a gambling problem and that I was living with thousands of pounds worth of debt. My marriage had ended back in August 2025, but at the time I was still living with my husband until I could find a place of my own. Even after I moved out and got my own place, I was still gambling and robbing Peter to pay Paul just to keep everything afloat.
Eventually my mum and my sister approached me and asked what was going on. That was the moment when I finally had to admit everything. It was one of the hardest and most upsetting conversations I have ever had. Their initial reaction wasn’t the best, which was painful, but a few days later they came back to me with compassion and told me about GamCare.
For that, I will always be grateful.
After they left, I called the helpline. I remember being so overwhelmed and ashamed, but I poured my heart out to one of the advisors. They listened to me without judgment, calmed me down, and gave me the advice I needed in that moment. That phone call was the first step on my road to recovery.
Looking back now, people might ask how I ever got to rock bottom. Through this recovery process I have learned the importance of being open and honest, and that is exactly what I want these diary entries to be.
So this is where my story begins.
Thirteen years ago, when I was 27, I broke up with my boyfriend of nine years. Around that time, gambling started to become a bigger part of my life. I had always loved amusement arcades growing up. I have fond childhood memories of family holidays in Porthcawl, playing on the 2p machines and enjoying the excitement of it all.
Not long after my breakup, a friend from work invited me to a works night out at a local bingo hall. I went along, and that night I won money. I remember the rush of excitement I felt. I spent half of the winnings right there in the bingo hall, and the rest went on a night of drinking and clubbing.
That quickly became a regular Friday night routine for the next two years.
Eventually I stopped going to the bingo hall but continued going out drinking and clubbing most weekends. Gambling would come and go during those years, and at the time I always believed I had control over it.
The drinking, however, was a different story. I often drank far too much and ended up in states where I didn’t even remember how I got home.
At that stage of my life, I didn’t want to give up either lifestyle. Monday to Friday I was a professional at work, but when the weekend arrived I became a completely different person. I was also very careless with money. I got myself into debt simply because I wanted to go out every weekend, gamble, and buy material things.
Looking back now, I can see that I was very materialistic and boastful. Humility was not something I had learned yet.
Then in 2016, something unexpected happened.
My sister asked me if I would go to church with her because she had started attending. At the time I refused outright. If I’m honest, I didn’t believe in a higher power at all, and I thought my sister sounded as though she had been brainwashed.
My dad had suffered a stroke in 2003 when he was just 36. During his rehabilitation a friend had taken him to church, where he became a follower of Christ. So when my sister told us she had also given her life to Christ, my dad was overjoyed. But at that time, I thought the two of them were talking complete nonsense.
After a lot of persistence from my sister, I eventually agreed to go along mostly just so she would stop asking me.
I remember waking up that Sunday morning completely hungover, but somehow I found the strength to get ready and catch the bus to church for the 11am service.
When I walked through the doors, I was greeted with such warmth and kindness that it caught me completely off guard. I had never experienced anything like it before.
The only thing I clearly remember from that first service was the worship team singing on stage. The words of the songs made me cry. I also remember feeling a warmth around me, almost like someone had their arms wrapped around me in a hug, reassuring me that everything was going to be okay.
It was comforting, but also strange, because no one was actually hugging me.
When I left church that day, all I could think about was going back the following week.
Three weeks later, I gave my life to Christ.
That moment became one of the biggest turning points in my life, and something I will always be thankful for. I stopped going out every weekend, and I stopped gambling too.
My life became centred around gratitude instead of material things. I became more humble, and I threw myself into church life. I joined the hosting team and the worship team, prayed daily, and spent time reading scripture.
Instead of living one way during the week and another on the weekend, I became the same person every day grateful, humble, and thankful. I also accepted that I was in a season of singleness, and for the first time I was truly okay with that.
Then in 2019, when I was 34, I met my husband on a dating site. We fell in love quickly. We got married in 2021, and after making it through the pandemic together, I believed we could survive anything.
But life doesn’t always go the way we expect.
In 2022 we discovered we were expecting our first child. At 36 years old, I never imagined I would be blessed with something so beautiful. In September 2022, I gave birth to my handsome baby boy.
But during my pregnancy, something changed.
I started gambling again.
At first, I justified it to myself by telling myself I was doing it to earn extra money to buy things for my unborn son. One day my husband had told me I couldn’t have something, and that triggered something in me. Instead of accepting it, I turned back to gambling as a way to get what I wanted.
What started as justification soon became a cycle.
I began getting into debt so I could gamble. I borrowed money from my husband to gamble and to pay credit cards, all without telling him the truth. That cycle continued for years.
By early 2025 I still believed I had everything under control until I didn’t.
The first major mistake I made was lying to my husband so I could borrow money. When I couldn’t pay it back, he told me our marriage was over. That happened in August.
Even then, I didn’t stop gambling.
Instead, the addiction tightened its grip. I borrowed large sums of money from people I knew, always believing I could win it back. But the truth about gambling is this: even when you win, the addiction convinces you to gamble it all away again.
By October, I was trapped in a constant cycle of robbing Peter to pay Paul. My life was filled with lies, embarrassment, and guilt. My mind no longer felt like my own. Every penny I had went into gambling or trying to repay debts.
In December, I finally moved into a property of my own. I was still deep in the chaos of addiction. For the first time I had to manage rent, bills, and a home on my own, yet I had no money to buy anything.
My family helped me a lot during that time.
But I will never forget my first night in that house with my son. I felt completely lost and alone—more lonely than I had ever felt in my life. I was anxious, scared, and still living a lie. No one knew the truth about my gambling or the debts I was carrying.
Eventually everything came to light when my mum and sister confronted me.
They had become concerned because I had started asking people in my church to lend me money. Those people had contacted my pastor to ask if I was okay.
That confrontation led to the phone call to GamCare that changed everything.
The advisor told me about counselling, which I agreed to be referred to, and also about the online chat rooms. I attended my first chat room session from 8pm to 9pm, and it felt like a complete Godsend.
For the first time, I was speaking to people who truly understood what I was going through.
I also began attending my local Gamblers Anonymous meeting every Monday evening. Sitting in a room with people who understood addiction made me feel less alone.
During the early stages of recovery, I was still borrowing money from people in order to repay other debts. Eventually my pastor asked if he could speak to the congregation about my gambling addiction. I agreed, but I couldn’t bring myself to attend church that Sunday because I felt so much shame.
Later that afternoon, I received countless messages of love and support from people in my church.
The following week when I returned to church, I was met with overwhelming kindness and encouragement. It filled me with so much gratitude.
Between my family and my church family, I realised I had more support than I ever thought possible.
I have now spoken to the people I owe money to and arranged affordable payment plans to repay them. They too have shown understanding and support.
Today I am 81 days gamble free.
I have also started my Reframe coaching sessions, and this week’s topic is self-care. I will write another diary entry about that soon, because I am still learning how to forgive myself.
Even now I still feel shame, embarrassment, and guilt at times. I also still feel lonely. But despite those feelings, I know I am in a much better place than I was back in August, when I truly believed the only way to fix everything was if I simply wasn’t here anymore.
I don’t feel like that now.
Now I feel that I have a purpose again. My purpose is to be the best mummy I can possibly be to my son. Slowly but surely, the old Carmen the kind, caring person I always was is coming back.
I know I still have a lot of self-care and healing to do. But I also know that my family has forgiven me, my husband has forgiven me, and my church family has forgiven me.
Most importantly, God has forgiven me.
When I learn to fully forgive myself, through prayer, reflection, and patience, I know that I will be able to move forward one day at a time, becoming the best version of myself.
My gambling is part of my past now.
I will wait on the Lord to renew my strength.
While writing this entry, the following scripture came to my heart:
“But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.”
Isaiah 40:31 NLT
Thank you for taking the time to read this, I hope it helps someone just like other forum posts have helped me.
Hiya Carmen,
Thank you for sharing your story with the community. I read your words with great interest, empathy and compassion. You've been through a lot of significant turbulance in your life this last year... but you've kept on fighting, learning, and investing the time and energy into your healing. That is amazing... you go girl!
It's wonderful to read of the support and connection you have found through your family, church community and through GamCare and counselling. And you are taking positive actions on your personal road to healing.
We are on a path to the life where we can find inner peace and self-forgiveness, which will come to us in time. This journey will gift us the resilience to find strength in future moments when we need it most. Every day we grow stronger, and every day we gain more perspective, courage and a growing light away from the clutches we once lived with.
We are actually a very similar age. This part you shared - "At that stage of my life, I didn’t want to give up either lifestyle. Monday to Friday I was a professional at work, but when the weekend arrived I became a completely different person. I was also very careless with money. I got myself into debt simply because I wanted to go out every weekend, gamble, and buy material things." - is extremely similar to most of my late 20s.
It's been great connecting with you and chatting on the chat rooms, and I look forward to continuing this journey alongside you... one day at a time 🙂
@12o8g9i0xr thank you so much Fran for your kind words. The chatrooms and the people in the chatrooms are a big part of the reason why I am now 82 days today GF, you are all so supportive.
i will be doing weekly entries now, at first I was very scared about writing about anything but this is my self care and writing it down has certainly helped.
I am looking forward to continuing my journey alongside you too.
thanks again for taking the time to read this and for such wonderful words and speak to you tonight in the chatroom. Enjoy your weekend and take care x
This is a great story Carmen and one I can relate to in some parts, the feeling of guilt shame and loneliness is a hard hurdle for myself at times but one day at a time, one therapy session at a time I learn to live with myself, reflect and better myself for me. I personally don't believe in God but I'm really glad it worked out for you and have you not only a sense of belonging and family but a higher power to believe in and help with your journey, in my time on gamcare and the chatrooms you've been an ever present figure and support and encouragement, you've become a friend for me and I'm sure many others and I'm proud of you taking time to reflect and learn self care that is vital for everyone, I look forward to reading your next entry and see how your self care is going, never forget that regardless of what you've been through, what you've done it was addiction and your on the path of recovery, you can't change the past but your doing everything in your power to write the future you want one day at a time.
Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a kind and thoughtful response Jake. It really meant a lot to read your words. Knowing that parts of my story resonated with you reminds me how important it is that we share and support one another.
I’m sorry that you’ve also had to face those feelings of guilt, shame and loneliness they can be incredibly heavy to carry. But the way you’re approaching your recovery, one day at a time and through therapy and reflection, shows real strength and courage. You should be proud of the work you’re doing for yourself.
I also really appreciate your openness about your beliefs. For me, faith has helped, but what truly matters is that each of us finds what supports our healing and growth. The fact that you’re continuing to work on yourself and move forward is what counts.
Your kind words about the time we’ve both spent on GamCare and in the chatrooms mean more to me than you probably realise. It’s been a privilege to be part of such a supportive community, and I’m grateful to have met people like you along the way.
Thank you again for your encouragement and friendship. We’re all walking this path together, one day at a time.
Hi Carmen.
What a lovely read and well done for remaining g.f and making yours and your son’s life better in every way 👏👏👏.
I too have my faith in God and whilst I no longer attend my Catholic Church, I continue to say my prayers every night. I am going through a very anxious time at the minute but every night, I pray to God, ask him to continue to watch over me and continue to put my faith in him 🙏. I know this is not for everyone and I respect this but I feel it/he helps me in life.
Family and friends are the most important thing I believe, especially when you need help and support. I, like you, have the best family and a tight network of really great friends (although none of my friends know anything about my gambling past)! They for one would never have imagined that “sensible, money savvy me, who worked really hard, brought my son up single handedly and sent him to private school, would ever get into debt, through gambling all my hard earned money!
My sister (who is also my closest friend) and my older brother are aware of my gambling past and have done nothing but help and support me both emotionally and financially 😇. I would be lost without them both 🩷💙. Deep down, they both know that I am a good person and have worked hard all my life to look after my son the best I could whilst he was growing up.
Take care and I hope you have a lovely weekend,
Pink Lady 🩷🍎.
Hi Carmen
Wow !!! And also the replies above.
You represent girl power. I hope that doesn't sound sexist which I'm not, but there is more of a stigma out there about female gamblers. That's wrong and it's good on here that there are people like yourself, Fran and the wonderful Pink Lady (she doesn't know how wonderful she is and I've read every post she has done. My prayers each night include a job for her. Maybe she will end up being my probation officer lol, that would be a gift from God)
Back to your share. I wanted some time to think about what to say as it's blown me away. Sometimes chatrooms and topic replies are just words but to open up and share your story as you have is utterly amazing. I really hope more people read this and open up themselves. I know this hurt to write and it's been on your mind to let it out but I hope it was liberating for you. No one needs to rush to do this but anyone reading this knows they aren't alone, will resonate with you. I do want to say something. I have two disabled children as you know. They are 17 and 19. My addiction wouldn't let me give up for them but they will keep me in recovery now I have that connection with them. Your son won't really know Carmen the gambler and thats a conversation you can or not have later down the line. You will be able to use your experience to guide him when he grows up.
I read so much power and determination in your share. You are an utterly amazing human being. The fact that you have all that support should ring around your brain to say Carmen is a good person. Carmen is loving and kind. Carmen is God fearing.
I met you on here and through GA from bad decisions we both made, 1000s of them. That dark past was a bind between us. We trod similar paths and I don't look at differences. We both have the same aim ls in life.
For me, I want to say I am so proud and the luckiest man alive to call you my friend. Your support is always there. Your kindness and your ability to say the right thing when I need to hear it. You are amazing !!!! There is no bigger word and you are my friend who is always there when I need one.
I hope we are both on here for years to come. Recovery isn't a get fixed situation, that's where the addiction devil lives. I hope that we grow together over many years to come (unfortunately I am a lot older than you so that might not be a big number, sorry, lol)
It makes me emotional when you say you can't be kind to yourself or forgive you past. Everyone else has and to really move forward I hope you can forgive yourself.
Just keep being Carmen. One day at a time
Hi Pink Lady,
Thank you so much for your lovely message. Your words really meant a lot to me and I’m so grateful you took the time to read my diary and respond so kindly.
I really relate to what you said about faith. Like you, I know it’s not something everyone connects with, but my faith and prayers have helped carry me through some very dark and anxious moments. Just knowing we can hand some of our worries over and ask for strength can make such a difference.
It also sounds like you have such a wonderful support system with your sister and brother. Having people who truly see who we are underneath the mistakes is such a blessing. I think many of us here understand that feeling of “how did I end up here?” when on the outside we seemed sensible and in control. Gambling addiction doesn’t discriminate, and it can happen to anyone, no matter how responsible or hardworking they are.
You clearly have so much love for your family and have done an incredible job raising your son. That shines through in everything you wrote. And the fact that you are here, sharing honestly and supporting others, says so much about the kind of person you are.
I’m really sorry to hear that you’re going through an anxious time at the moment. I’ll keep you in my prayers too and hope things start to feel lighter for you soon. Please remember you’re not alone in thiis we’re all walking this recovery journey together and supporting each other along the way.
Take care of yourself and thank you again for your kindness. ❤️❤️
Thank you so much for your message. I honestly don’t even know how to respond properly because your words really touched me. It means more than you know that you took the time to read my share and reflect on it so deeply.
Opening up wasn’t easy, but hearing responses like yours makes me feel that maybe sharing it was worth it. If even one person reads it and feels a little less alone, then that means everything. We all carry things we’re not proud of, but recovery is teaching me that honesty and connection are where the healing starts.
Your words about your children really stayed with me. It’s powerful to hear how they keep you grounded in recovery. That love and connection is something truly special. I believe they are very lucky to have a dad who is fighting so hard to be present for them.
Thank you also for the kindness you showed me personally. I still struggle with forgiving myself sometimes, but hearing that others see something good in me helps more than you probably realise. Recovery is definitely one day at a time, and I’m grateful that we’re walking that path together.
I’m really glad we met through GA, even if it came from difficult places in our lives. Friendships like this are one of the gifts of recovery. Your support, honesty and humour mean a lot, and I’m proud to call you my friend too.
Let’s keep doing exactly what you said,one day at a time.
Carmen 😊
Carmen
Whatever you say I'm not going to cry. Nearly did reading your story and your replies got me close but not quite. Not to say it's wrong to cry
I saved my last bet for 19th November 25
Today I saved my last rollo to my utterly amazing partner of 20 years
I saved my last can of alcohol free Koppaberg (until I go shopping) until 9pm this evening
I am saving my last silk cut silver until 11pm so am smoking some cheap brand
I saved my 4th of four deep fried camembert parcel for tomorrow
I didn't know what to do with my, what I think is my 500th post. I didn't know whether to use it to reflect on the last four months. Whether to talk about this new life after 44 years of miserable gambling. Thank so many people on here in this community for their help and advice, the moderators, the peer supporters and the advisors.
Instead, I wanted to save my 500th post for a very special friend who has shown incredible strength to turn her life around. She faces tough challenges and is quite simply amazing. She goes to GA which is no easy task for anyone female. I would like to save my 500th post for my dear friend Carmen
Keep being you for yourself and your son
Stuart I honestly don’t even know where to begin after reading your reply, I’m completely overwhelmed in the best way. (Yes I am crying) 🥹
To be the person you chose to dedicate something so meaningful to, especially your 500th post, means more to me than I can properly put into words.
Watching your journey these past months has been nothing short of inspiring. The strength, honesty, and determination you’ve shown in rebuilding your life after everything you’ve been through is incredible and I hope you truly see that in yourself.
You’ve supported me in ways that have made some of my hardest days feel possible, and I’m so grateful to have you in my life. Your kindness, your humour, and your resilience don’t just help me they lift everyone you come in to contact with.
I’m so proud of you, not just for how far you’ve come, but for who you are every single day. Thank you for being such a genuine, supportive, and truly special friend.
Keep being you because you’re already more than enough. And I’ll always be cheering you on, every step of the way ❤️🥰
Hi Carmen
I don't have the words to reply to that other than a huge thank you. I need to find some strength today with the police interview tomorrow from the big man upstairs but the best way to reply is with my gratitude list which today was
I'm grateful for
1. Wow the sun this morning
2. My home, still here today
3. My conscience still here today
4. My learning getting better today
5. My love and kindness getting better today
6. My empathy getting better today
7. My hope and strength getting better today
8. My presence is better today
9. My determination grows today
10. My thanks is for today
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