Diary of a familiar tale

Hiya Paul,

Congrats! Day 9 is fantastic..sorry to hear you are having a bad day....your days will get better..just takes a wee bit of time...hang in there and keep strong. You are doing great.

Del xox

Day 10...

Made it... 10 days and days 8 and 9 were the worst but day 10 is gonna be a good one and gonna try hard to make it so. Thanks for your comment Del, time is something that we can't really control so am going to be patient and strong as you suggest.

Days 8 and 9 basically saw me get to a point where I couldn't really cope with everything going on inside my head. Trying so hard to be gamble free meant I was bottling everything else up and the pressure cooker could take no more. I spent ages preparing a special meal for me and the OH and it was going great until suddenly a wave of craziness came over the side of my boat and I found myself on the sofa crying my eyes out.

She doesn't know about the gambling but does know about lots of the other crazy thoughts and ups and downs that I have.

I know that in the long term this was a good thing, she basically told me if I didn't ask for help then eventually we would drift apart, I could see she was visibly shocked, upset and undoubtedly a lot of that comes from being frightened at not understanding what goes on in my head.

I thought about showing her this diary yesterday as we talked about this episode calmly (it is not the first time it has happened).

One day I know I will have to tell her if I want to have an honest relationship, how is it possible otherwise? Right now I am not ready, I know this is weak and I am putting off the inevitable. However I am getting stronger day by day and I will deal with these demons, the gambling demon had control of most of the other demons with a stranglehold around my neck, at least now that stranglehold is weakening and I can breathe again........

Paul

Hi Paulds

I wish I could say something that would solve everything. Unfortunately it isn't that easy. You are doing all the right things and maybe picking up the phone and speaking with someone at Netline might help. The feelings you have must be near the surface so try and speak to someone about them. Take it easy my friend we are all on the same side here!

The early days of this very challenging recovery journey are usually the hardest and by reaching 10 days, you have reached a major milestone and you should be incredibly proud of yourself.

Well done!

Time is a great healer and as long as you continue your brilliant progress, you will feel lots better.

Stay very strong and stay very positive. You CAN do this!

GT

Day 11

Still going and still hanging in there, really determined now to give this a good go, I cant remember the last time i was gamble free for so long in the UK, it really makes me think I could keep this going.

Thanks Smiler and GT for your comments and support it is much appreciated. Still want to take it ODAAT and really just thinking that to get to day 12 would be a big one, then will start thinking about two whole weeks.

Massive admiration for anyone on here either just starting their journey or well down that gamble free path. There is no end I guess but that shouldn't sound depressing, acceptance of what we are is a strength not a weakness.

Thought I would write a note to my future self reading this diary as a bit of motivation, I know it is a bit bizarre but.......

Future Paul,

Well done for getting so far and glad you are looking back to this part of the journey to see how far you have come, I reckon it must be hard to believe that it was a minute by minute thing back then and that each passing gamble free hour was a slow, painful and yet still positive step.

Make sure you look out for others as they looked out for you when you started this journey. That support may seem the norm now but in the beginning remember how you were shocked by the level of understanding and suppport you received? I hope you are trying your best to support and comfort others, no preaching just a little comment here or there to show that someone is listening, someone is there for them as they once were for you.

Hang in there buddy as this affliction will never leave you but you can conquer it, you CAN dominate it, you are stronger than the urges not the other way round.....

Better head space today, keep it up

Great last post, Paul, and many thanks for your post on my diary.

With regards to the empty bookies, yes I know that I may have been passing them when they are less busy and I am sure that they have their peak times when they take in millions. I also have no doubt that that scene still happens when a group of like-minded greedy businessmen gather around the table trying to think of the latest way to entice the vulnerable public into their evil premises.

Like...

"Pay £10 get £5 credit!"

"Free scratchcard when you pay £10!"

The above translates as...

"Pay £10 get £5 credit then lose thousands!"

"Win nothing on the scratchcard then lose thousands!"

I am sorry that you only just missed out on the gamble-free 2012 thread, why not take over my responsibility and start a 2013 one later this year?!

GT

Day 12,

Still gamble free and had to pass some bookies in a different part of the city today, gave them my now comforting v-sign in the trouser pocket gesture accompanied with the vow of 'thou shalt not have mine money this fair day'.

Thanks for the post GT, it would be a massive honour to start the 2013 gamble free thread later this year but right now I am jsut gonna focus on getting to two weeks, looking so far into the future is quite difficult at the moment.

However these thoughts of the future do appear from within don't they, it is good advice to say take it one day at a time but in reality I can't stop myself thinking that these 12 days could become 2 weeks, a month, 3 months a year etc.

For me perhaps it is all about managing the day to day stuff in a place that is at the forefront of my mind like the 'kitchen of the brain' whilst keeping those long-term dreams in a little attic room, that way they are still accessible but not the main focus in the house.

Too long spent in the attic could lead to the dinner burning, too long in the kitchen and life becomes tedious, I guess it is all about finding that personal balance.

Stay strong, no gambling today please.

Well done Paul mate!

You are doing fantastic : ) Check this out - when you were on day one, did you think getting to day 12 would be impossible? Probably right?

You just proved you are capable of so much more than you currently think!

Can't wait to high five you on 2 weeks under your belt - you can do it!

f x

Day 13,

One day at a time and tomorrow will be 2 weeks,

Thanks so much for the post Freda, a real boost, you are right. When I started I couldn't see myself from not gambling in the next half an hour and 12 days felt like 12 lifetimes, right now I feel much stronger and want to turn 13 into 14 and 2 weeks into 3.

Reading other diaries I realise how important it is now not to keep beating myself up about what is going to happen now. I think I have accepted the past losses and all the things I don't have because of gambling. What frightens me is the future, it really feels like a fog lifting over the battlefield following defeat, carnage everywhere and impossible to clean up.

I also have an unhealthy obsession with debt and money now and have seen that is quite a common trait as well with people who have given up.

I must stop obsessing about things I can't influence and start obsessing about the nice things in life. Come on pull yourself together paul!!!!!

Hiya Paul,

Great posts..I really like your house analogy in striking a balance.

I admire how you are tackling your recovery...and so glad that you are feeling stronger. The debt obssession has been a tricky one for me...but calming myself down is a work in progress!

Give yourself a pat on the back Paul, you are doing brilliantly.

Del xo

Paul,

Just came across your inspiring and motivating diary. Wow. You are doing awesome! Please keep posting. I too am obsessed with debt, but I think that's ok. Maybe if I would have thought about it a bit more when I was a bgambler I wouldn't be in this mess! ODAAT...one dollar at a time.

Day 14

Two weeks of no gambling and as ever that is the most important thing. Couldn't have imagined going half an hour without gambling before so must keep that as a positive and keep on fighting. Still looking at day 15 as a target as 3 weeks seems a lifetime.

Thanks Del and INM for your comments and support, everyone is different on gamcare but it seems we all have part of our story which is familiar to others. I am in a mad head space at the moment and the non-gambling is kind of holding everything together in a string bag, the string seems to be fraying under the weight of the worries within so am going to try to deal with each worry and put out in the open what I think.

Gambling was the first one of course and I realise that so many worries and events were part of its stranglehold, its demon grip on my life. There was no way I could try to deal with anything else at least until I had stopped. I don't think I will ever defeat that demon but certainly now believe I can live with it. One day or 20 years of non gambling still means one slip away from addiction.

Right now that demon is chained up in a box under the stairs and I am determined not to let him out. He was causing havoc in the rest of the house. Not to be too complacent though as he could find the key at any time and probably when I least expect it.

So first to think about is the debt obsession thing is really taking me over at the mo but having read other diarists I think the key is to somehow not stress so much about what has been lost as this can never be recovered and then not to worry all day about the debts as this wont help reduce them.

A few diarists mentioned that a release is good, a rant, a scream, a head exploding moment, a churning of the stomach worry... But these should be moments, worry about it and then try to get on with something else, otherwise we find ourselves not living life because and spending all day constantly stressed.

I am going to try to say

'look you have worried about that today, that is good, acknowledge it but don't allow yourself to do it again, those debts will reduce by working more, spending less, saving and quickest of all BY NOT GAMBLING'.

Everyday I don't gamble is money I have saved and I should be thankful for that...

Stay safe and strong......

Hi Paul

Well done on making at to 2 weeks without placing a bet. Keep at it, beating this addiction requires a lot of effort from you, it will get easier the longer you stay away from that last bet. Keep that Demon chained up under the stairs, thats where he belongs. Keep doing what your doing and things will become a whole lot better for you.

All the best

Keith

HIGH FIVE!!!!

Well done you. Massive milestone for you.

I'm still following you, stay strong!

Take care,

f x

Day 16

Thanls Freda and Keith for your comments, they really help, there is no way i could have got to day 16 without the support and especially understanding that I have received on this site.

Yesterday was the first day that I haven't posted which felt a bit strange, soon I will be away for a week without internet, i have already 'locked down' this week and battened the hatches gambling wise so there will be no way I can gamble.

In my mind it is not just the gambling to deal with although this is the root cause of many of my problems, next step has to be seeking help for the madness and mystery of what goes on in the human brain. writing also helps as a release, in this diary and elsewhere, not to bottle things up until they explode.

Today is of course Saturday the dreaded Saturday which now becomes strange without revolving around gambling without the highs and lows. These have to be replaced with normality although I am not sure what that really means.

Got to keep positive, doing ok so far, got to get out there and start living my life again after the gambling demon stole so much of it.

Paul