Diary of a familiar tale

Thanks Tony and Freda,

I had thought that this would be a day by day thing but realise it is more hour by hour and even minute by minute as you and others have suggested.

Still day 4, and still gamble free, which seems to be going incredibly slowly, I shall take that as a positive, more time to be alive to try and enjoy the things I should be doing.

Really worried now about all the emotions going through my head and am no way strong enough at the mo to deal with everything.

Reading other diaries this is only to be expected and I have so much respect for you guys and gals who have reached a week, a month even years without gambling and still come on here to offer support to others. One day I hope to be like that but right now, today I am not going to gamble, minute by minute it is. Off to do something now to make those minutes go faster..

Hi Paul

First of all well done on getting to Day 4, sounds like its a bit of a struggle for you but on the other hand your getting some really good support from members on here.

With regards to self exclusion, it really does give you strength once you have done it. The staff in the bookies already know you are an addict, so confessing to them you no longer want to feed your addiction will be no surprise to them. Also get some software on your PC. You can get a free trial of bet filter for a week. Might be just what you need to help you through the early stages of recovery and if you're happy with it then sign up for the real deal. I've stolen my partners card in the middle of the night to gamble when i had no blocking software. Why did i do this?? I can't win anything because the account is in her name and all winnings go back to her. I did this because i'm an addict and it was a fix for me.

Take care and stay strong

Keith

Thanks Keith I have now downloaded the free trial of bet filter and is was quite empowering, thanks GT also and DesGirl for also mentioning how important it is.

Had a wobble today as I had to go to a different part of town and ended up watching the racing in a bookies without putting a bet on. I was on a knife edge and so daft. Next step will be to print out photos and self-exclude.

Feeling really low today and it has been another horrible day to get through, but I should be more positive and not so miserable, plenty of people in worse positions than me.

I wanted to give myself a challenge and a goal like 7 days gamble free but realised as I started to panic that those sorts of aims are still way off, just going to keep to the hour by hour view for now. Good luck all whatever position/mood you are in. We can do it!

Day 5.

Still gamble free so that is a huge plus, been tempted and having major withdrawal symptoms but managed to resist.

Have been reading so many of the other diaries and they really help, one thing that often comes up is the need to keep positive even during the darkest times and not be continually down on ourselves.

So yes all this mess is my fault but somewhere in the mess is a little good at least. Thought I would try to be a bit less depressing today when writing the diary.

Positive thoughts will help to breed positive actions so I am going to put aside all my negativity for a moment to say that...

1 - This is day 5 and I can now see day 7 in sight whereas before a week gamble free would have seemed impossible.

2 - A week could turn into another week and weeks breed months. Still going to take it ODAAT though.

3 - Now have bet filter on computer and plucking up courage for self exclusion from bookies.

4 - started to look at debts and have started to arrange payment plans for some of the debts. Must try to stick to them otherwise will only get depressed.

5 - Perhaps most importantly of all I have found so much inspiration from this site from the posts on my diary and the other recovery diaries. During yesterdays wobble I actually felt self-pity and pathetic and then a sense of guilt, how could I come on here and say I had gambled even if was only a tenner. Gamcare and its contributors stopped me from gambling at this moment.

Everyone has a different story but we are united in the desire to kick this vile habit.

6 - As I passed the bookies I gave them a v-sign............ but with my fingers in my pockets, that is a bit tragic I know but it made me smile.

Paul

Not tragic at all Paul,

I know people who have fantasies about smashing up bandits with baseball bats! your feelings will all be coming to the surface without gambling to block them out, and that may feel intense. Try to just let them, and go with it as long as you don't get so angry you end up in jail or something! lol. Think of it as a backlog in your emotional in-tray, once you have cleared it you will feel amazing.

I'm not trying to forcast doom, and say 'oh you are going to feel this and that' but it helps if you are prepared for a bit of turbulence, and know that it is common and normal.

You are doing fantastic, great work!

f x

Day 6

The end of the first week is now in sight and I really want it to be gamble free. I still don't want to set any targets as I will feel doubly disappointed if i miss them. But one more day for the week is a positive thing.

I feel every day a little closer to returning to reality, perhaps a small quarter of an inch each day in a long journey but a quarter of an inch nonetheless.

Thanks for the comment Freda about the emotional in-tray, it certainly feels like that, at one random point today I was walking down the street and had to clench my teeth together as they wanted to open wide and allow me to scream aaarrrghh what have I been doing!

Right now that emotional in-tray is a multilayered one but at least the gambling papers are in front of me and being dealt with at the moment.

Hi Paulds

You speak of a long journey! Try not to think of the journey as a whole. There is no end to this journy you are on it and it never ends. Each day brings something new. We are in no rush to get recovery as we have it already. Just go for quality rather than quantity. Take care

Hiya Paulds,

Thanks for the message 🙂 hey no need for apologies about rambling...your very welcome to.

I'd agree with what you said about the creative writing being a great release. I think that is why this forum works for me best, that I feel so much better when I write it out...I'm not really good at talking about my stuff. I'm rambling now...:-)..anyway....

Day 6 is a great acheivement, and well done. Keep going, keep strong..keep posting.

Delxox

Day 7

That is almost it, just a few hours and I will have reached a week gamble free, I don't mind saying that it feels like a year as minute by minute I have found myself fighting off the urges.

I feel strong enough now to give myself a little challenge of getting to double figures. I know i shouldn't look to far ahead but Sunday is in my mind now.

So far it has been quite horrible as the fog of the addiction lifts to reveal the carnage it has left behind. Not all of it caused by gambling but certainly most of it. It is amazing what we do to ourselves as human beings, it is not that I feel I have hit the self-destruct button but more that I can't find the safety release button that keeps me from getting into such ridiculous situations.

Feeling so grateful to the other posters and have spent a lot of time reading diaries, hope you don't mind!

Thanks Delgirl for your post, I have received more support on this site in my first week than I could ever have thought imaginable.

Just a few more hours now and the week will be mine...

Hi Paulds

Thanks for popping into my diary. It spells out to me that debts and gambling are linked but get rid off debts and gambling is still there. Glad you are in a good space keep positive, keep doing the right things and the right things wil happen! Take care

Day 8 gamble free

One more day to chalk off and although I feel down with every waking moment feeling either guilty, ashamed or worried, at least these feelings are starting to replace the gambling urges.

I realise that this may not be healthy and from reading the other diaries i realise that I should not beat myself every single minute of the day as this can be counter-productive.

At least I am starting to 'feel' again now, although I may be over-reacting, at least I am not walking around in a numb state no use to man nor beast.

Big today tomorrow as several people on here have mentioned being a saturday, the sports temptations for me are the worst. I must try to enjoy sport the way i used to 15 years ago when I was gamble free. One step and one day at a time......

Hi Paulds.

I too am gamble free for 8days.. Its hard to replace something that took up so much of my life.

I am finding that if i take everything one day at a time (not gambling, lying) is helping.. as is reading and posting on this site.

Stay strong and keep going.. Ive been told it will get better!

Hi Paul,

Just wanted to say a big well done, on passing the one week mark! it won't always be this hard, I promise : )

f x

Hi Paul,

8 days gamble free is a great achievement and an excellent beginning to a new and better life.

Stay focused on keeping away from that first bet and the journey will become easier. Just remember to post your thoughts every day, read as many other diaries as you can and listen to the horrific stories people have to tell how gambling affects their lives in an adverse way.

Take care, try and enjoy your weekend and most importantly DON'T GAMBLE!!

All the best

Keith

Day 9

Jake, Freda, Keith,

Thanks so much for you comments, they really help, because of my own fault and weakness the people on this site are the only ones supporting me and it makes such a difference to know that there are people going through the same or similar emotions. The comments are always welcome.

Another bad day again to be honest but still going gamble free and still hanging in there. Thanks again everyone

Paul