Hi everyone
Once I was a month into recovery and started attending GA meetings regularly I began thinking more about the orange book and how it talks in various parts about the reasons anyone gambles. Before starting the 12 steps I wanted to do some work on this. I guess I thought, if I could work out why I gambled then it would be a step forward to notice that as a trigger.Â
So I began to go back in time and work through the years. When I was 12 I moved schools and had no friends so I know that turning to gambling and creating that safe space was driven by loneliness. In the old days, prior to the digital age, all gambling was physical. There were people there, and it was a so called tribe of gamblers who you could talk to. Big losses with be met my sympathy in that space rather than shame outside of it. It gave me that safe space where no one was looking down on me. There was also the excitement of the reels, colours and sounds all around.Â
Later in life it became escapism. Especially around relationship break ups or rejection. It was easy to numb the pain through gambling.Â
I think in my 30s after a very serious breakup it was led by boredom. Without a relationship I couldn't be bothered to do much outside of work so it was all about the boredom factor.Â
After this it became a stress release. Obviously it wasn't and was a vicious circle creating more stress and then pulling me back in to get away from it. In the fog there isn't stress but when I moved out of the fog, that's where the stress hit and it was easier to turn around.
The last ten years were routine and chaos. It was just something I did and I accepted being a bad person and couldn't control myself. By gambling online the chaos grew out of all proportion and my brain had thrashing numbers bashing from side to side, awake and asleep.Â
The one thing that I've come to understand in recovery and need to work on is that through the whole of my 44 years gambling it's been immaturity. When I gambled I honestly think I was that 12 year old version of me. A child in a man's skin. The immaturity of not facing up to life's challenges and looking for shortcuts.Â
It's helped me so much to work through this feelings that made me cave to addiction.
What do you think made you gamble ?
Through my recovery one thing has been clear from the onset. Gambling wasn't my first addiction and wouldn't be my last if I didn't find the deep rooted issue. For me it was escaping, escaping the reality I didn't have a childhood, escaping the reality I didn't know how to express my thoughts or feelings, escaping the pain of my past, the decisions I'd made, the wrong I had done. One thing was clear it was trauma and childhood trauma that started my need to escape, first I turned to drink and drugs... Made poor choices and hurt a lot of people there and then I turned to isolation and self hate and then gambling took me and it was safety net, dissociative numbing, no conscious thought just mindless spinning. But why... To escape the reality I didn't know how to be a human and interact because I'd spent so long hating my story, my past, my choices and my current. How to fix it well therapy has helped, diagnosed with complex PTSD... Learning how to let my nervous system out of survival mode and actually process emotions and feelings and learning to be honest with these emotions and feelings. Accepting I can't change my past and actually if you look deeper at every wrong choice, hurt and pain I caused at the time I made that choice it was my only option to survive. Acceptance of my past and no longer living in shame of my past but actually instead being proud to be a survivor of childhood abuse, a broken home, raised by thugs, drugs and survival. That's how I got to be me and that's why I am who I am, I'm changing myself to be better for myself and to make amends for my mistakes but I no longer hate myself for the choices I madeÂ
Hi Jake
Wow, I'm lost for words. Your post has every Human emotion within it to express your life that's bought you to today. I'm not sure what to say as I know how much work you have put in and you are proud of that. I guess it goes without saying that I hope, by typing those words in that it simply reminds you of what you are doing each day ?Â
Mine, I belive are:
Low-self esteem, not really ever fitting in anywhere, right from a child (despite the fact that I had great parents and a very loving Dad). At school I was bullied because of not being "quite right", so I did everything possible to fit in, which often led me to being deceitful and doing things I shouldn't of done. To be the school clown.
This led into my 20's and 30's. I did everything to avoid rejection, which in the end spiralled out of control. I kept on with being deceitful and doing things I shouldn't be doing, and I sure hated myself because, who I had become as a adult. This led to various addictions and gambling being one of them. Through my late 30s, I knew because of my addictions my husband would eventuslly leave me, and the fear of rejection was on my mind 24 hours a day, so I started acting up even more. I started to become very insecure, jealous, possessive and unkind, I thought I could get my husband to stay. I gambled to escape my reality, my worthlessness, my anxiety and fear of the future that was slowly becoming a reality. The rest is history, he did eventually leave, when he uncovered the debt, my addictions, my deceit and my lies. He know longer believed in me, trusted in me or loved me but I had never believed in me either.
I am now working on correcting all the above, by saying sorry, accepting what I have done and moving forward (I have completed this phase). Now I am working on ensuring I am 100% honest now and in the future - which is complex, as I have been untrufull since a child, and pathological lying is a illness, habit and also a addiction in itself-though I accept complete responsibility for it. This is a key point I now NEED to work on and I am. I want to build my confidence, self-esteem and self-worth up.
Thanks for giving me the opportunity to write this out, because it gives me the chance to heal as I do so.
Kylie.
@kylie66 is self worth is an issue Brene Brown is a great person to listen to on YouTube she has s ted talk on worthiness and vulnerability that really helped shift my perspective
Hi Kylie
Thank you for sharing that. I hope it felt good getting it all out. My sponsor at GA always reminds me that when anyone shares they should do it for themselves and not what they think people want to hear. You have shown a lot of vulnerability and honesty in that post which you should be proud of. As per when we have spoken before, it's called one day at a time for a various reasons but for me the most powerful one is the knowledge that we can't fix everything today. Even if we do fix one thing today, we will need to keep it fixed when tomorrow becomes today. I will never be anywhere near perfect but I'm trying each day to be slightly better than yesterday.Â
Thank you for sharing all of that, Stuart. I think it started for me with massive financial stress in my early 20s. I was young, in college, on my own and trying to help my parents who struggled financially.Â
The casino seemed like an easy way to make money. Then I just got really hooked really fast. Kept going because I felt like gambling erased all the stress, all the trauma from childhood, the daily work pressure, really just everything. I was just numb while gambling.Â
Even after 3 bankruptcies and 2 rounds of credit counseling, I still gambled.
I am really committed to leaving this behind.
It scares me because I am 48 with no assets, savings or retirement, buy I tell myself you have to start somewhere and stopping gambling is a huge starting point. Long road ahead but if I keep gambling in the sidecar the road will be much harder s d longer.
Day 37 today and it feels amazing :). I hope you all are staying strong 💪Â
Hi Kandi
I think gambling addiction is so perfectly designed by the industry and ourselves. We see it as the solution but it only makes it worse. Then you come out of the fog and it looks like the solution againÂ
37 days is good recovery timeÂ
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