First time on here. First time telling anyone.

Day 12 GF

Thanks for the advice Landenzil. I agree with you that it will hurt her more if I tell her. As much as I really want to I know it will do more harm than good. I'm going make this right again. I know I can never change what I have done but I can keep my head up and make a change. Gambling is like have a little monster inside of you. It turns you in everything you hate and until you have that monster inside you yourself you don't know what it is like. On the whole the pain and depression is easing slightly day by day. To anybody that is reading this that are at rock bottom, it does get easier and you will get better. Just keep pushing through day by day and put an end to gambling full stop!!!

Hi Express25, I've just joined the forum today and i'm about to add my first diary post. Reading your story resonated so much with me, i find myself in almost the exact same position (give or take a few minor details). Good to see you making progress, i'll be following your diary with interest. Stay strong brother!

Day 13 GF

Hi N2oon. I'm sorry to hear you are in a similar position to me. It's a horrible one to be in isn't it. This can be amended however and we can start living life to the fullest. I look forward to seeing updates and progress in your diary. Days will turn into months and months into years before we know it so just keep pushing with all your might!!!

I've been there and done it pal. My last binge was 4K in 2 hours, never again!

My trap was constantly worrying about the money lost and wanting to win it back, just dug a deeper hole.

If you can save what you say you can save you can get out Scott free and put this whole thing behind you. You can never gamble again though, you know that right? One bet and boom you're back in trouble.

Put it behind you and move on. Never go back.

Hi Express

Just been reading through your journey so far and I can completely understand your decision not to want to tell your fiancee. I am a very private person, who keeps things very close to my chest. When I started gambling almost 7 years ago (abstained for just over 2.5 years after joining here) and just in the last few months, have started again, wherby, I have not then been able to pay my important bills, so needed to do something about it again.

When I first reached my rock bottom, I remember telling my sister , who I am extremely close to, and then my brother but not in as much detail. They both helped me out enormously both financially and my sister even more so emotionally. I don't have a partner but I do have a 28 year old son. I feel the same as you in that I never want him to know. My son has always seen me as the provider and a person who has always been in control of my life, which up until 7 years ago, I was. He simply would be shocked and filled with disbelief if he knew of my gambling story. For this reason, I choose not to tell him. It's not his fault so I think, why should he then have to take on board all the worry, which I know he will.

Its easy for people to say what you should or shouldn't do. The thing is, this is ultimately up to you at the end of the day.

You have got a plan in place and it sounds achieavable so that is something. Being a female myself, I can imagine how upset your fiancee would be at the loss of all your hard earned savings. I have just recently inherited ВЈ11,500.00 and spent almost ВЈ8,000. on gambling. I too felt so ashamed about this but it has gone and that's that! One of the main reasons I came back on here is that I am due to get a further £9,000.00 as my final part of my inheritance and I most definitely do not want to spend one penny of this on gambling.

You sound like a hard working person, which you have on your side. You have a partner who loves you and sounds like she deserves the best too. Make it right for both of you and continue to abstain.

The very best of luck. I will follow your journey. Take care.

Our Lady.

Day 14 GF

Thanks for the further advice guys. You are right she is an amazing girl. Not a nasty bone in her. I wish I could just go ahead and tell her but I think that will just destroy her. I'm going to keep pushing towards my goal. It's two weeks today GF, let's make it another two. The shame is still on my mind a lot but easing slightly. Still waking up most days feeling down but that's the price I have to pay for letting gambling take over.

Hi Express,

Well done on Day 14, that's better than I've managed in the past 3 months. In terms of blocks, how are you doing with that? Have you self-excluded?

I get the impression you're focusing a lot on the loss of the money which I've done in the past and it's quite damaging. I had a very small relapse yesterday (£10) but that was entirely fuelled by that feeling of guilt and shame for blowing money the previous week. Although it is easier said than done, the past is over and done with and you can't change it - which is horrible but it's the reality. What I've done to try and overcome this is simply by planning out my finances for the following year, establishing exactly how much I will be able to save by not gambling - and actually coming up with that exact number with dates that you'll achieve it.

I know that in 30 days my finances will be X better, and then 60 days it'll be X better etc. This allowed me to shake that feeling of guilt as all my hope is now focused on the future. I don't have desire to gamble to win back that old winnings because I know the greatest win will be 9/10/months down the line when I'm at my 9th/10th/11th goal and have X amount in the bank. Once you feel more confident about this then maybe you can start to think about root causes, which is what I'm trying to establish now.

This might be no help at all to you, but it's what I'm doing at the moment.

Hi Guys. It been over a month since I joined and made my first post. I have had good days and bad days since. I went to Cheltenham races yesterday (booked and paid for months ago). It was a horrible reminder of my problem. The worst thing was that I was I had to pretend I was putting bets on in front of all my friends. I will confess that I put a £5 bet on the last race, I rang up my fiancГ© and asked what horse she would like. I had trouble sleeping last night so I am on here now to vent and get it off my chest. On the other hand saving is going well. I've cut back on a lot of nicietys and I'm confident that I will hit my target. Just trying to remember that another day gone, another day better off.

Good luck mate. It's your life and you'll be who you want to be. Gambling is not the way forward despite what part of you might say. Stick to the winning side of you. Take care.

Morning guys. Finding myself on here a lot less. The gambling problem is still at the back of my head most of the day. Mainly the shame for having it. It's been nearly two months now since my first post and major mess up. It has got easier. I'm not feeling depressed 24/7 anymore just occasionally. I'm taking all the right steps to stop me gambling for good including coming on here when I am feeling pretty low and awful about myself. Saving is going well and I am even more confident that I will be able to give my fiancГ© everything she wants and deserves in life. I still feel the guilt of how she has landed with a looser and idiot like me. I'm determined to get us back on track financially though and i will achieve it! Have a good day guys.

4 YEARS LATER!!!

Wow! It's been a good while to say the least. Sorry I stopped updating everyone and possibly providing help to others, I felt like as my addiction subdued, it was best for me to move away from this forum.

Hopefully the following will inspire others that are at the beginning of their Journey! 

Where to start? Ok, so I totally kicked gambling and have been clear for 4 years now. I managed to save enough for the wedding and go on a beautiful honeymoon to the Maldives! I designed and project managed a self-build, we moved into our dream home 4 months ago. Prior to that we had a beautiful little girl who is now nearly 2 years old. Life is so much better now! I feel happy and clear minded. It is only when you rid yourself of the addiction you can truly see how toxic it is.

So guys.... it DOES get better. You need to stay focused and stay strong. I wouldn't be where I am if I didn't quit! As cliché as it sounds, you never win with gambling in the long run! Even if you think you have the system all figured out or will stop after you hit big. Trust me - you don't and you won't! Stop now and be a true winner. 

I will keep an eye on this thread and answer any questions you guys have. So don't lurk and be silent. Create that account and ask for some help.

4 YEARS GF!!!! 

@express25 That is great news that you are continuing to be gamble free and you've been able to get your life back on track, so hats off to you.

Reading back through the your story, did you ever tell your now wife?

Other than a determination, what else did you do to help yourself?

Chris.

@chris-uk Thank you very much.

I never did tell my wife. I honestly knew deep down that I could kick the addiction so I wasn't at risk of ruining our lives any further. I know a lot of people on here had different opinions about confessing and I don't disagree with them but I felt I was making the right move. 

In regards to helping myself, I invested a lot of time into educating myself on the psychology of gambling. This included such things as peer reviewed papers and case studies. It really allowed me to view gambling with clarity, seeing it for what it really is!