Like most I find myself sitting considering why I gambled, what made me do it!? I dont need to gamble but there is that voice in the back of the mind that gets the better of me.
I can't remember when I first gambled but it was the fruit machines in the pubs that first got me. When I got to university I found myself going to spending my lunch time in those arcades where you had row upon row of fruit machines. The clientele as you can imagine made me feel more accepting, people desperately pumping pound coins into the flashing boxes hoping for that big win. I found myself bunking off lectures to spend time in this place however I did manage to get through this period and graduate. It was when I got into the working world, getting paid a salary then the internet was opening up a world of online gambling! Before I knew it those late nights of chasing that big win with online casinos and regular visits to betting shops I was broke. It was when I started raking credit cards that I realised I needed to take a loan and stop this stupid habit. The obvious could have been seen here; having paid of the cards I then started to gamble again this time with the purpose of winning money to pay of the loan!
Fast forward several years and thoughout this time I have had good and bad times. Good times being when I didnt gamble the bad times where too many to recount them all, in September 2013 when I won £45k in a week playing live online blackjack I was on clound 9! I wish I had stopped it then, it would have been a great victory, although I found myself giving a lot of this back gambling bigger and bigger chasing the losses and wanting a bigger rush! Over the last 18 months I have wanted to get another BIG win and it has almost been the undoing of me. I find myself owing abou £50k. Fortunately my job is allowing me to pay off these debts but im treding water!
Im not looking for an answer from anyone as i'm the only one who can give this. I simply wanted to provide a snap shot on my life and im sure my story, like many others, finds you feeling alone at times unable to speak to close family, friends or wives (you cant expect a non addict to be able to relate to an addict). Unlike many other addictions there isnt any obvious signs meaning you can just carry on!
Last night I gambled online, i've self-excluded myself from so many accounts but I manage to always find a new casino to register with and start the gambling roller coaster all over again! I lost 500 pounds last night and I felt low and really wanted to scream what a fool ive been. I've decided to keep a diary going forward as I feel I need to be able to share this voice in my head.
I want to keep a diary to help keep me clear in my goal not to gamble and if i can help anyone else on my journey feel free to add anything.
good luck to all!
Hi lost££££,
First of all, well done for getting everything down in black and white and identifying that you are affected by problem gambling. The fact that you have motivated yourself to even join this site shows that you want to make a difference to your life. I can relate closely to your story and previously I have stated out loud on numerous occasions "THATS IT I WILL NEVER GAMBLE AGAIN" however, I always found myself going back. I can confirm that by keeping a diary, I find that this method is now working for me as I have a target to work towards. I look forward to logging in day by day, and putting all my thoughts and feelings into a diary entry.
I wish you all the very best for the future and I will keep an eye out for your future posts.
Regards
SierraJuliet
Hi Sierra,
Thanks for your reply. Its my day two of clean but I know i have a long way to go. For me it has been the online gambling that has controlled me with most of these I have a self exclusion thankfully!
Enjoy your Easter weekend!
Thanks,
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