This is not my first diary think it’s my third . But felt I wanted to say that after 30 years of gambling ruining my life , I have not had a bet for over 5 years . Don’t count as always saw that as a count down to my next relapse but what’s important is I didn’t gamble yesterday , or today and if my plan continues will not gamble tomorrow .
I have at times when I was in the eye of the storm contemplated ending it , avoided looking in a mirror because I truly hated the person that stared back at me . I did manage 5 years clean before but after falling off the wagon went through far to many years back feeding the beast almost daily .
I am under no illusions that I am cured, I know that I am one bet away from being back in that hell . Am I happier yes by far , is it a struggle no not anymore , I put actions in place to safe guard myself, my brother checking my bank account being one . Till in the end it became the norm and did not think about gambling , funny though at Christmas I had to opt out a game that could have ended up with me winning a scratch card . I do not gamble on anything , been difficult to get people to understand that I don’t want to put a pound in to lottery or horse race syndicate , but I stuck to my guns and would say I just don’t see the point of gambling . A white lie to keep myself safe is acceptable I think .
moving forward I know I will be at risk, I have just sold my house to give me enough money to keep me going for the rest of my life . Having that amount of money will I think temp me , but also that is it, I have just retired, so that money has to last me for as long as possible hopefully for the rest of my life . So I can’t muck it up , as there won’t be any chance of working to recover it . Think I will be ok, I am so aware of the consequences.
I just want to say , if you are struggling , and can not see a light at the end of the tunnel, I have managed 5 years twice , so it can be done . This 5 will mount up 10/20 if I live that long !!!
stay strong everyone , and keep on keeping on .
Dusty Fairy xx
Thats excellent achievement im just under 6 months clean from this horrible illness i only learnt the true nature of this addiction i did manage 3 years the longest i a achieved since i tried to quit since 2012 i have managed 6 to 9 months a couple of times before a major relapse its only now i have started to believe i am one bet away from a disaster before i use to get complacent after a while then the relapses came shortly afterwards, since joining this site i have began to understand more about the addiction its a life saver for me with the amount of support available
Hi Tazman
thank you for your post and well done on your 6 months . The months soon mount up I am pleased to say . I think you are right complacency was my biggest trigger, believing I had the power over the addiction when of course history shows that I never did and just dug bigger and bigger holes .
pleased to say I never gambled today and its my intention not to gamble tomorrow .
Stay safe , and like me let’s just not bother to have a bet tomorrow ( and all those tomorrows )
Dusty xx
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