Late 2019, well actually just prior to Christmas I had a breakdown and went for a walk by the local river. Not a good choice in the torrential rain, especially just three weeks after major spinal surgery.
I guess the gambling had gotten to a stage of repetitive and endless searching for that pot of gold and had become my every breath. I was completely addicted to the spinning lights and would use every single second of every single day just spinning these shiny reels. What a dumbass?
Family came to rescue me but I had inadvertently shocked my fragile but repairing spine into exceptionally painful spasm, so yet another visit to Emergency Dept at local Hospital. Enter 2020.
After Christmas I continued searching for the elusive full screen of icons, that would bring me ‘endless riches'. Nothing! My Dad passed away sometime at this point and my gambling went into overdrive. Triple drive even. Odd when you know I hadn’t seen him for some 45 years?
21st January 2020 was my last gamble…. why?
This was also the day my gambling finally smashed big time into the fan of our marriage.
I had been discovered. Let me just die here right now PLEASE is how I felt.
This, of course would be by far the easiest thing in this world for me to have done, yes? I think quite a few of these pages readers and contributors would sense this and get it completely?
But it would also have left a simple coffin made heavy by a lying, cheating, thieving body inside.
Nothing for them to really take their anger, sorrow and pain out on. No, I had to be a man for once in my sordid life and pick up the heavy cross, walk with it and nail myself out ready for all the healing abuse, both physical and emotional. I say ‘healing’ abuse as this is my understanding of the first step in the process. The opening to the world of all my lies, yes, mostly just lies, but also my deep shame and self loathing. They needed to see all of me openly and totally emotionally exposed. Full stop. Let it be..!
I did what I was told by; my wife and very loving family, a good and close friend of many years, GA meetings, and myself... I gave them my phone complete with every single password and code number, all details of all my bank, card and loan accounts, iPad with all the same info, wallet and cash, and my soul to do with whatever they wished and felt I deserved! I felt as small as a piece of dirt on a woodlouse foot. But...
Nothing and no-one could have prepared me for what happened next, even if they had shown me a video clip of me still alive and calmly writing about it a month later I would never have been convinced I was looking at me!!! Never. But here I am.
So, 45 days after this date I find myself here, among peers and ‘friends’ who share this unique journey of pain, and shame, hoping that if I maybe unwrap my guilt layer by layer here it may, only may, help some other poor soul from slipping down the same dark and evil coin slot I did?
A small short message, or even just an OK? would go a very long way in supporting me on my journey of recovery? I will write more over this weekend.
Many thanks for having me here and Blessings, John Pops
Hi @johnpops , well done on 45 days , welcome on board , theirs a chat room at one and eight for a hour if u would like to pop along ?
Hi Vinnie, many thanks and yes I will get to one soon... got g/kids here at the moment so will try getting to one soon to at least say hi?
JohnPops...
Enjoy the day with the grandkids , look forward to walking this journey together ?
Hi John
welcome to the forum. Well done on 45 days; that’s a great achievement.
This forum is full of advice and support and is a great place to be. Enjoy your time with your grandchildren and have a good weekend.
Lonely
HI... how do I get into the chat?
Thanks,
John Pops
Hi John
The chat room is open twice a day at 1pm and 8pm for an hour and a bit longer on a Sunday evening. In order to access the chat room you need to go to the main home page and click on the ‘group chat’ icon. Once you are on this page, scroll down to the bottom of the page and you should see the chat box appear and it should connect you. The room is set to private users only which means you have to be signed in with your username into the forum to enter the chat room. I hope this makes sense and look forward to seeing you in the chat room soon.
Lonely
I want to thank you for your honesty.
I needed an insight how to approach my partner.
He doesn’t know I’m aware of hes addiction. I am about to talk to him but I’m so nervous.
I don’t want to get it wrong.
Your message has given me an insight to how he may feel.
Late 2019, well actually just prior to Christmas I had a breakdown and went for a walk by the local river. Not a good choice in the torrential rain, especially just three weeks after major spinal surgery.
I guess the gambling had gotten to a stage of repetitive and endless searching for that pot of gold and had become my every breath. I was completely addicted to the spinning lights and would use every single second of every single day just spinning these shiny reels. What a dumbass?
Family came to rescue me but I had inadvertently shocked my fragile but repairing spine into exceptionally painful spasm, so yet another visit to Emergency Dept at local Hospital. Enter 2020.
After Christmas I continued searching for the elusive full screen of icons, that would bring me ‘endless riches'. Nothing! My Dad passed away sometime at this point and my gambling went into overdrive. Triple drive even. Odd when you know I hadn’t seen him for some 45 years?
21st January 2020 was my last gamble…. why?
This was also the day my gambling finally smashed big time into the fan of our marriage.
I had been discovered. Let me just die here right now PLEASE is how I felt.
This, of course would be by far the easiest thing in this world for me to have done, yes? I think quite a few of these pages readers and contributors would sense this and get it completely?
But it would also have left a simple coffin made heavy by a lying, cheating, thieving body inside.
Nothing for them to really take their anger, sorrow and pain out on. No, I had to be a man for once in my sordid life and pick up the heavy cross, walk with it and nail myself out ready for all the healing abuse, both physical and emotional. I say ‘healing’ abuse as this is my understanding of the first step in the process. The opening to the world of all my lies, yes, mostly just lies, but also my deep shame and self loathing. They needed to see all of me openly and totally emotionally exposed. Full stop. Let it be..!
I did what I was told by; my wife and very loving family, a good and close friend of many years, GA meetings, and myself... I gave them my phone complete with every single password and code number, all details of all my bank, card and loan accounts, iPad with all the same info, wallet and cash, and my soul to do with whatever they wished and felt I deserved! I felt as small as a piece of dirt on a woodlouse foot. But...
Nothing and no-one could have prepared me for what happened next, even if they had shown me a video clip of me still alive and calmly writing about it a month later I would never have been convinced I was looking at me!!! Never. But here I am.
So, 45 days after this date I find myself here, among peers and ‘friends’ who share this unique journey of pain, and shame, hoping that if I maybe unwrap my guilt layer by layer here it may, only may, help some other poor soul from slipping down the same dark and evil coin slot I did?
A small short message, or even just an OK? would go a very long way in supporting me on my journey of recovery? I will write more over this weekend.
Many thanks for having me here and Blessings, John Pops
FIFTY DAYS... Thank you all for being a part of this milestone and continuing journey.. blessings JOHNPOPS
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