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Hi S,

Great to read you hardly think about gambling and no urges.

Stay strong and keep moving forwards and upwards.

Have a good gambling free Friday.

Suzannexx

Hiya Sandra

Thanks for all the support on and off the forum , gotta keep fighting something we are both quite good at and I think that says a lot in itself for us , your weekend off by my calculations so have a good one

Catch up soon

Castle2

Thank you my dear soldiers 🙂

Disney's Frozen "Let It Go" Sequence Performed by…: http://youtu.be/moSFlvxnbgk

Friday - music hour lol
Still singing Rach 🙂 thanx for sharing

No gambling today..the thought of it makes me feel yuk! ! Drawing the line in a sand as my sis...this is it - my chance to show what I really am made of! 🙂 tough s... lol but hey, let's do it..nothing to lose!

S x

Hi S

.luv that song let it go, quite appropriate to us, and that's what I love to read gambling makes you feel yuk,

Keep going girl, as you said you have nothing to lose, but so much to gain

Suzanne xx

Hi Sandra

Hey there, thanx Suzanne and DP xx

Dear diary,

Yup...me no sleepy on a day off ha..thinking maybe to get dressed and go out...but ..since my last stint and a little painful greeting from local gals lol i best stay safe and cosy at home. Hell, i was thinking how tough am i? LOL indeed, i would possibly be if i grow some balls of steel lol..that wouldn't work out cause carrying steel on this little frame would end up in disaster lol..
Yep, i am not tough and don't think my doc thinks that either lol. Went to see him earlier this week and tried to explain why I'm objecting to those tablets. Hell..you would think he had an idea...right, long story short he prescribed me nice and easy 10mg tabs instead of 50mg. Yup..Sandra thinking that's better s***t and surely won't send me into space lol..DOH!!! Lol..yep, took one like a good girl i am and headed for work. Jeezus Christ Virgin Mary!! Still don't know how I've got to work but do remember thinking i have to stay there all shift cause driving bk wouldn't b an option lol. So all was brilliant with my own little tune going on in my head..until people come with one issue or the other lol. I guess they had to chat to the wall couple of times lol cause not much was coming out of me..so, to conclude the story - tablets not for me lol..unless they give 1mg ones. That could help but i guess overall verdict is - thanks, i will pass on it lol.

Right..that was a little ramble about my "fun" times in a clouds above lol.

On a good note, i am tackling my other addiction - almighty alcohol. f*****g hell not sure why i looked for an escape in that one but i guess it is all in mentality too and if your head tells you it will help ypu to relax and stop overthinking s**t, you usually go for it. Plus my silly head told me i will sleep better too...oh sooo wrong!!! ..so good on that count - 2 weeks not a sip!! Happy days lol
Another step forward is to limit my smoking to at least 40 a day...haha..joking lol..no, i will limit it to 10 a day...desperately need to start running and getting into form again. These bones sticking out is not fun plus it's not comfy to sleep lol. Nahh..not that bad but i will end up bag of bones if won't do anything about it...
So...onto last bit - .gambling. well, not much thoughts of it at the minute, but i guess since i laid my cards on the table to councillor and Rachel (lol sorry girl you got to hear all that) the weight has lifted of my shoulders and strangely i see it all in different perspective. I have all my life in a open and all what is left is to sort all the stuff out and put where it belongs..somewhere i don't have to see every passing day cause otherwise i won't b able to make a step forward in my recovery and life.

Still a lot of anger, resentments, hater and dissapointment in me...but this is work in progress too.
I am in recovery and i know where i would be if not finding this site...not here for sure.
So i bow to all of you dear soldiers, the ones who are still posting, the ones who just reading and the ones who chosen to leave this site and found new safe way to tackle this addiction. ..and the ones who are banned/suspended from voicing their thoughts heh...sorry about that last line 😉 lol.

No gambling - no problem. I shall try and get a shut eye now.
The line i draw in a sand is very visible and no intentions of crossing it. Shoot me if i break my word, permission is given to all of you. (It's not being too hard on myself Shiny 🙂 just keeping myself in check lol)

Stay safe all

S x

P.s. i do ramble a lot, i hate to think what I'm gonna b like in my 50's ...walking radio at this rate lol lol

Hi Sandra... Well done for continuing to stay clear of the gambling... your doing mighty fine 🙂

As for other addictions, well your welcome to have some of my excess fat to fill out those bones of yours lol Ive just munched my way through half a loaf of bread and marmite, so thats yesterdays run and weight loss out the window.

As for smoking thats the one addiction thats never caught a hold of me... so i guess its easy for me to just say... stop!... in the kindest possible way of course 😉

As for "tablets"... I actually asked my doc for some anti-depressants months ago. I munched on them for a few weeks, felt better (or maybe its that I just wanted to feel better) and then I just stopped taking them and haven't seen doc since. I should have stayed on them really in light of what happened.. but hey ho.

Anyway, keep rambling. I read even when i don 't write. Onwards soldier... S.A 🙂

Hi S,

You are doing great back on track, onwards and forwards and keep winning.

Take care

Suzanne xx

Thank you SA and Suzanne xx

Diary,

Well, a little thoughtful time. Had my crazy rant last night so back to serious business now.
I am not happy with my recovery. Not sure why i have turned that "take it easy" corner but not taking recovery seriously costed me about 6-7 relapses in the past 6 months. It is a bit worrying me because i am not sure if i can do it for good...what next? What if next S***e storm comes over and i let my guard down again?
I guess the real question i am asking - do i really want to stop for good? Yes, i do. I wanted it from the very beginning. .but i have failed number of times...
..don't know, just scary thoughts of relapsing again. I have to give my 110% this time..i did it before. .i can do it again.
Cmon Sandra, toughen up. No more slips...pleeeaaassseeeeeeeeeee.

No more running away, i have to make something out of my life...i need to stay strong and strive to succeed in my future plans. Gambling has no part in it...it will just destroy my wobbly bridge i try to build back again...

S x

Yo,

Just wanted to comment on your last post . Firstly this is very much my opinion , and not sure one all would agree with me .

We fight along side good folk on this site , see there daily battles and at time are in ore of how they have abstained for such a length of time . Then when they relapse I for one feel utterly gutted for them and my own vulnerabity surfaces .which I suppose can be a downside of this site , like looking at the gambling addiction under a microscope. Be it in recovery a week , a month , a year or five . Relising that this is a life sentence, and that I could loose the battle momentary and go back to day one . That can then maybe feel like a fruitless battle , to try to be clean for life only to fail.( which is why I don't count days, always felt like a count down to my next relapse)

But maybe setting my sights at being clean for life ( as bloody wonderful that would be) is like setting my sights at climbing Mount Everest , maybe I need to climb Snowdown , or the ant hill at the end of the road first lol

Today I did not have a bet , so I got through my birthday , that after the last few days was my Snowdon , and that's enough .

Like I said maybe I will never have a bet again, maybe I wont , I refuse to live in the fear that I might cos the energy I would waste is better spent concentrating on not having a bet today , or tomorrow , if i suceed well they will all join together and bobs your uncle been clean for the rest of my life . If they don't , all I can do is dust myself down and start the climb again .

So that's my take , been a while since I wrote a sermon .........lol

Take care Hun, day at a time dos they are the only days that truly matter

Shiny xxxxxx

Yo,

Thanks for your post , my day was uneventful but that's fine, if I wanted more I should of put myself out for it.

As for your post on mine , Hun your recovery , your way . Just like to chew the cud with ya . If there was a magic answer to it all dam sure someone would of found it by now , and save us all a lot of soul searching .

take care hun

Shiny xxxx

Sandra

I think sometimes we are all guilty of overthinking our recovery path,for my mind addiction loves the fact it can get inside our heads,use the good and bad in equal measure to get us double guessing,questioning our right to recovery and in short willing us again to part firstly with our hard earned then what it wants our soul,our will to live a better life.

Well my friend today I don't want to live up to the ridiculous expectations I used to believe where all important all the time I gambled,the false pretence I gave myself,the thinking I had to prove myself to the world,the desire to always exceed eveeryones expectations.

Today I want to make myself happy,make decisions to live a life that gambling stood in the way of.

for me that is the choice I face each day,I don't know it's outcome,the beauty of recovery is there is no end game,it is a journey of our making.

My advice Enjoy it,plain and simple,gift yourself that wonderful smile.

Today you SANDRA are a winner,addiction cannot take that away.

Duncs stepping forward never back

Hi Sandra,

This war with gambling isn't one that is won on one day with one bet, but it is a constant series of battles. Slipping and letting a bet through doesn't mean you've lost, and you've picked yourself up again and are back winning those small battles every day. You can and will make something of yourself through this, and I know you are tough enough for the fight.

Ryan x

Thank you Shiny, Duncs and Ryan xxx

Yep, i guess i just jump too high and always expect myself being one step ahead of the reality. ...which just brings me back to square one. You are all right, today is the day what matters the most. I need to be patient and stick it out.
less questions, less mind f**k ups i suppose...but, if you don't ask you will never know...god, ..i guess I'm just too curious of how this universe works...ya watch i will soon become a Frankenstein lol...me no brainer..
best give myself some rest, overthinking brought me trouble in the past, don't wonna go bk there cause it hurts, and I'm pretty sure I'm done with pain at least for a little while. No need to self inflict some more.

Thank you all so much and sorry for jumping into coo coo land thinking that i can achieve impossible. Time to wake up.

day at a time

S x

Yo,

Most certainly no sorrys needed. Today I defo my cap ( as Duncs would say ) in your direction.

Never have I corresponded with someone with such determination to find out the whys and wherefores , to give them the knowledge to fight this addiction.

I know that you don't feel inspiring but to me you are . You always through your posts help me to look inside myself to the what's next , or give me a greater understanding of me , the compulsive addict.

So today I thank you from the bottom of my heart .

Have a good day and let's not forget to be kind to ourselves .

Shiny xxx