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Yo,

Read your post with interest. This is my view , I at times recognise what triggered a relapse , but at other times life has been so s***t that I should of relapsed and I didn't . How does that figure .......

Have things in place to help , like rarely take my bank card with me, and limit the cash I have available . Why .....

Coz really do not know when the demonds will strike and just be stronger that my own self will.

The point to what I am trying to say ...... When I relapse I search for the holly Grail that explains it, whereby allowing me not to end up in that same place again. But not sure the there is a holly Grail . Not sure that if I learn and avoid the triggers that the urges , relapses will cease . Does all that make sense ?....

So I do what I can , try to limit the damage when I do relapse, and try to recover from the mental fallout as quickly as I can. I believe that addiction is an illness but argue constantly with my councilor that it being an illness should not give fuel to the addiction or seen as a get out of jail free card .

For now I have been 'clean ' for near on 6 months . But know that its just about today , accepting who we are , and doing the best we can to fight this disease .

Think you can tie yourself up in knots looking for the whys , reflection is good , but too much in my option zaps your energy , self worth something our addiction loves, sees it as a crack in our amour and slithers in.

So to end , hope you slept well , got up feeling positive , your back on track, putting you energy into something you love and enjoy . That i believe for today is enough .

(Sorry bout my spelling today, struggling a bit with this new site and the upgrade to my iPad lol)

Hug Hun

Shiny xxxx

Hi S,

Thanks for your lovely message.

I hope you have woken up feelng better. And recharged.

Take care and stay safe.

Suzanne xx

Thank you SA, Shiny and Suzanne. ..so much food for thought i keep reading it over and over again ..lol..(must b compulsive nature :-D)

Believe in God today..i made it through very busy weekend. ..ups and downs weekend. ..but i made it 🙂 work took my last energy tonight. ..but it's work..i figure, if you get a pay rise the bar of expectations rise 100% also ...hell..lol

Am very busy today with lots of driving to do. My body tells me no cause my journey should begin in an hour.. i admit defeat..i already cancelled few appointments in my head. I need some rest.

No gambling, .. far off...i am giving myself a chance to put things right.

thanks for reading, tk care all

S x

Good afternoon diary,

So...why I'm here again..just feel like wanted to visit "home".safe place, calming my mindset down..

Back from the counselling and what it's originally an hour session it ended up being 2 hours..god..i think my counsellor is an angel..i have many of them in my life and mainly on this site.

So something hit me so hard today. Was sort of listing few positives and negatives today..no positives found lol..but what i put in writing and managed to look on black and white actually broke me down in pieces. What am i doing with my life? It hit me so hard, all i wanted to do is to get out of the room, get on the street and under the first lorry going. That's how it felt..but i didn't, because i have job to do - fight my addictions..i don't wonna ruin my life anymore. .i don't want to die without giving my all to this life..and i still have a lot to offer...

Wanted to thank (in no particular order lol): GC, my counsellor, DF, Sis, Duncs, castle, Ryan, Rachel, SA, Suzanne, Shiny, Carla, Soulie, bear, DP, Irene and many more i might of forgot....thank you my angels, i am blessed to find you all in my life. .. i will fight this good fight and follow in your footsteps for a long haul.

That's about it for now 🙂

S x

Hiya... I don't want to ruin my life anymore either, anymore than i already have. So yes, back on track... in it for the long haul.

Take care, keep safe as i do the same... S.A

A www Sandra am very proud to be walking this journey along side of you.

Take care and stay safe

((((((S))))))

Suzanne xx

Hi S

Your post to me means more than you know, because you understand, I thought I was going to have a total mental breakdown for 10 minutes last night, it did not feel like urgeds, it felt like something was totally trying to take control of me, and it was frightening like another force , don't believe in the devil and all that, it was that hideous addiction but it was so strong,

Urges have have gone now, totally, not even simmering but I am well aware they will be back whenever.

I hope you have had a calm positive day,

Walking along side with you always, there's an old saying whistle while you work, I have changed it, whistle while you abstain.

take care and thanks for being there from day one.

Suzanne xx

Hi Sis,

The d**n internet went down as I was writing earlier today. Anyway, I just wanted to say that you can write on my thread anytime without any objection from me ever. As I have said before; you are wise beyond your years my friend. You are a shining star and my little world is a brighter place because you are in it!! Hey Sister!!! -joanxxxx

Hi Sandra,

Finding positives in life is something that depression makes a lot more difficult. At times I feel like there is nothing, but when I'm not in the rut, it doesn't look so bad and the positives are there. Thanks for the last post, but I really feel its more like the other way around, cause you've been so supportive whether I'm up, down, or cycling between the two.

d**n right you're fighting the good fight!

Ryan x

Thank you all.....

Here i am..elderly couple on my right, and a mum with a baby on my left. All here for a reason, seeking help, comfort..
I drift off to how i have ended up here...everything happens for a reason i guess. Shouldn't i be at work, doing social hours instead of fake lights and never seing a daylight. ...my choice indeed. ..maybe i should be walking a dog, sweating in a gym or having a conversation with a loved one..maybe rush around at home changing nappies for a little bundle, maybe having a catch up with a friend in a coffee shop....but nooo...lol..i am here instead. .for a reason. Through my own choices and working myself up into such of state where i need help..i accept it now..it is what it is. I am here and now..that's what matters the most...hell, any more ramblings and i will trigger a panic attack to myself soon lol...

All is good..life is ok. Could be worse i guess.

Well..ohhh..here we go, i love it then they pronounce my name lol..it goes like ms Sandra J....hmmm..Jo....Jov....lol lol..give up - ms Sandra next!!!!..heh...going going ... gone 🙂

Stay safe all of course xxxx

Afternoon diary,

Cannot sleep and thoughts overriding again...well..sounds like a long day and night ahead then...bring it on is all left to say lol.

Diary, i was thinking. ..i accepted so much help and support from others i feel i need to finally make the first steps in amending myself and letting something go. Without forgiving i am stuck in one place and cannot move forward. I need to get my guns out, place them away from the sight and face the reality. I am what i am, ...and i am stronger and wiser than before. I am not gonna riot against the past again. Why should i? It is past, woteva happened is not gonna happen again and i will bloody make sure of that. So yea, final farewell - f**k you and i am getting my peace and self respect back.

No more numbing, all about facing everything head on and embracing life.

I leave it behind, i know i can.
..I don't need to suffer any longer..i am worth more than that.
Today is day 7 of my non gambling life and i am feeling stronger than i ever felt before. I am moving on..one step at a time.

S x

Hi S,

Holding on to bad experiences from the past is not good, so good for you moving on fighting fit, one day at a time small steps.

BRING IT ON, bury the negative parts of the past and March forwards with your head held high, because you Sandra are very very much worth it.

Go girl,

Suzanne xx

Morning Sandra

Fantastic positive post so thank you for sharing it with us , strength is what we need on our journey and you have that in abundance , behaviour breeds behaviour so let's hope it passes through the forum to everyone of us who is making the biggest Change of their lives

Castle2

Yo,

That's the spirt. Can feel the power of the addiction , weakening with every word.

I was thinking when I read that , how much energy , time and effort I had put into, replaying the mistakes I had made . (And boy have I made some whoppers) Does not change them, just ends up with me hating myself more.

Need to put energy , time and effort into today because through that maybe just maybe I can keep this addiction at bay .

Hugs Hun,

Shiny xxxxx

Thanx Suzzane, castle, Shiny xx

Diary,

Not much about gambling to be honest. No urges and hardly think of it.
my thoughts goes around tougher c**P lol lol.....but as we say - this shall pass too.

yep...bored myself here already 🙂

No issues to report.

Day at a time

Sx

Ps. Fingers crossed today is the day i am bk on track with running. ..i will get there eventually. ....i still believe!!!! Lol..hell....tired...so - over and out.

pps. Just now noticed I have spaces while tapping away on this phone..hehe..well done gc..better later than never 🙂