...

Thanx Ryan and Ade plus Duncs there somewhere behind the scenes in his onesie lol lol (cheeky guys lol)

Dear diary,

So today my thoughts are taking me back to the start of my recovery...i guess i think it started 58 days ago, but that's wrong cause i admit i had a problem back in May 2013. That was the toughest yet the best decision i could of made. Road was rocky. I have learned a lot about myself and my life. Figured out the reasons for my behaviour. Councellor helped me a lot, this site was pernament crunch to keep me on a straight and narrow. I kept venting my feelings out ..good bad and the ugly.
Still...i turned back to the evil on more than one occasion. Few of them was costy financially but ALL of them was soo costy mentally. No matter if i spend 600 or 10 pounds, it wrecked me and broke me to pieces. The recovery changed me as a person, no way i am sin out of the sudden lol but i look at recovery in different light. This is no monkey business, this is something what changes the whole life of ours and more importantly the ones around us. Every day counts, every little thing we deal with is requiring that strength and determination. Logical thinking and being "real" about it.

I hardly believed myself that i will break my month's cycle. Well...whola!! Lol i did it...i got my mindest in such a f****d up state that i thought i need to lapse after 30days. How crazy is that? Bringing torture on myself was my own "treat".
Well, no more! I finally feel back in the saddle. Yes, urges comes and goes but i deal with them. They are only thoughts. Last month was one of the hardest months to get over with....yet...i flew through it without second thought. For this i have to thank very special people i have found on here. You know who you are 🙂

January is a toughie one also, but same as December i am heading to that finish line with head held high!
Just for today i shall use my logic and make the right choice. I will be kinder to myself, feed myself better and look after myself as i always supposed to but didn't do it.... I want to live 🙂 i can't believe i just put that lol...i want to live this life and join you all in this crazy but amazing journey of our lives.

Take care,
Stay safe
Day at a time

May peace stays with you all. God bless

Sandra xxxx

ps. No more rambles 🙂 till next time

Alongside you all the way lovely lady.

xxx

Hi Sandra,

Great to see you sitting high on that saddle and making the right and only choices for us, which is abstaining and maintaining one day at a time, you say you want to join everyone, as far as I am concerned you never left.

Luvvved the photo of you 3 by the way and you ramble as much as you like you are a lovely lady, and I for one have missed your rambles

Take care and stay safe,

Suzanne xxx

Thank you all xx

Dear diary,

Fighting this addiction every day. That's gamblers life day in day out. Being stamped with this foot of fate is hard to accept but it is what it is i guess.
Evil will always stay close by.
Sometimes it's easier to chuck the hat in so to speak...but ohhh no....cg has a job to do and stay on a level.
Just wish it was easier.....

No gambling..for another day.

S x

Hi Sandra

Take heart knowing your not in this alone every word you write I feel , yes surely it shouldn't be this hard but it is some days but we fight and fight and that's the difference from when we first stepped on this forum It's an honour and pleasure to walk side by side on our journeys

Castle2

Hi Sandra... yes it is so easy to chuck the hat in and start gambling again. I know that to my cost. Short term gratification for long term misery.... every time!

No gambling for another day... your doing mighty fine!

Warm regards... S.A 🙂

Hi S,

Am very proud of you for keeping your heels digged in.

I was quite naive when I came here last April,/May, I had no idea that this addiction would be for life and therefore that recovery would be a one day at a time, I thought I would get over it, all of it, but I also thought when I first came here I was the only person that was as I thought this stupid.

None of us are stupid, we got hooked/trapped and 100% sucked in. You, SA,Castle and Judy, amongst others have made me realise over the months I have been on here, how fragile recovery can be. And how hard this addiction can really be.and how we must never get complacent, because it will always be there.

Am very proud to be continuing along this journey with you,

Take care and stay safe

Suzanne xxxx

Hi Sandra,

Hope your weekend is starting to look up and you are finding the balance once again. Great work on getting to a month gamble free, glad to feel you're back in the saddle and getting stronger.

As for the foot of fate, try not to let it drag you down. I've often thought that if there is a god, he's a mean-spirited trickster who gives us these weaknesses purely for his entertainment value. Which is why I can't believe in him/her/it. Sometimes life is on the upslope, sometimes down, sometimes on the level, but all we can do is to keep following it.

Ryan x

Hi Sandra

Thank you for your post, we are both fighting the fight..... we will win this and have a far more fulfilling life.

Dark Place

Hi Sandra, thanks for dropping by & switching a light on for me...Of course, we can 'self medicate' for certain things just some of us are loath to take pills or do our exercises! Why didn't I think of that?! It doesn't help me be less angry with myself but it does ease my anger with Mother!

Congratulations on your 68 days...Stay strong - ODAAT

Hi Sandra,

Thanks for your kind post on my diary.

Keep strong, and keep adding those days.....one at a time...

All the best

Ade xxx

Thank you for your post in my diary, I don't think I will get the chance of being a manager properly you have to apply and go to interviews which I am totally rubbish at I get too nervous and forget my own name! Ha ha but this way I get to prove to myself I can do it and it's something to add to my CV! On the upside i will be so busy working that the gambling devil won't be able to jump on to my shoulder and get into my ear.

Thanks again for the post xx

AAArrrrgh have almost run out of time before my mate picks me up to take me for a drive and a talk. So I will have to make this as succinct as possible - you are 100% amazing. Love your sense of humour, outlook and kindness.

Don't change.

High five!!!!

f x

Thank you all for your lovely and kind words. I am not as active with posting recently, but i do read diaries.
Suzanne - good on you girl. Am very much so proud of you and always get more positivity (lol..starting to like this word) from your posts. Keeping a beady eye on ya dear soldier 🙂
Duncs - my friend. Such powerful last few posts. I know i didn't post on your tread, but poured my thoughts out in a text. Really inspiring and those happy and full of hope tears have finally stopped. Keep it up my dear friend
Freda- sweet lady. Still feel for you and am at a ready in case you want to talk. As i said you're never on your own.
ODAAT and NT - great going in your recoveries dear soldiers. Such an ambitious souls to make things right and never giving up in this quest to succeed - high five both 🙂
Bear and DP - another prove of how things can dish out if we keep abstaining and maintaining. Putting your admirable feelings towards your loved ones first is the main and truly powerful way forward. Am very proud of you both! Keep marching on and don't look back 🙂
Emily - proud of ya girl. As of smoking, be kind to yourself, tackling two addictions at once is really challenging. Concentrate on what is most important now - not gambling! You are doing it and it's great to see you succeeding in your quests. Keep it up 🙂
Ade - still here with ya my friend, getting those boxing gloves out and ready to stand in your corner if any b****** urges threatens you 🙂 keep it up!
SA - been thinking of ya recently and hope your week is good for you. Stay strong man, you know and i know that this is possible. Only need to put heart and soul to it 🙂 keep on running dear soldier.

So, that's just few of you i had my thoughts on. DF, Sis, Rach(sis no.2 😉 ), Ryan, castle, Carla and dear Shiny. I talk to you behind forum walls. My heart is bursting with pride for all of you. Still feel so so blessed for having single one of you in my life. This is the oxygen i get to keep carrying on and i want to thank you all for listening, advising and holding that hand on not so sunny days. I owe you my life - fact.

Dear diary, (waffling on today lol)

Still no gambling to report, but do noticing urges today. Going to see counsellor in a bit and since it's in bells and whistles town my first thought was silly arcades....hmmmm...hmmmm..ok, i remembered a time, when i headed there last year straight after counselling. Standing in front of the machine i noticed the sticker...GC sticker. All of you was brought back to my mind, soldiers which never gives up trying. Did it stop me from pushing the button? Did it f**k!! This addiction is so selfish and consuming, if you get in that mindset it takes bulldozer to come through the wall and stop you from such intentions. Our minds are really strong machines, and talk them off silly intentions is a challenge for sure. To protect ourselves from that misery and pain, we cannot even get to the "half way through to have a bet" stage. ..it is usually too late.
Ok..point of the ramble is - blocks blocks blocks. Will break the triangle straight away and leave my bank card at home today. Instead of visiting devil's den i shall have a stroll down the beach. Sounds like a plan, all it needs is putting it into action...doable for sure 😀

Life is a little tense and stressful recently, but i blame January as depressing month being part of it lol. Challenges at work, home, back home and so on. Sight of my path getting lost quite often recently, but there is still that guiding light showing me the way forward. Channelling my thoughts in more positive (thanx again Suzanne lol) manner, does help to achieve the targets i set for myself without turning to this destroying addiction in a form of escapism.

That's me for Now, if ya still up and reading (yawn lol), congratulations! The test been passed and if any urges was present, they are well asleep now i guess 🙂
Keep it up all...

DAY AT A TIME for today and always

Hugs all around

Sandra xxxxxxxxxx

Hi Sandra

Just dropping in , that one day at a time works we both know that , with your diary use it as much as little as you need at the end of the day it's yours and your recovery

Castle2