...

No need my friend, you are forgetting, we have a dog...We just ate the bits that I could push through the gaps & left the rack on the floor!

Hi diary,

So just thought i shall put few thoughts down about my recovery. I've been here since May 2013. ..nearing two years. Found this place randomly after loosing my last pennies, getting into overdraft and topping my credit card up...just wanted to speak to someone. Cannot remember who has answered my call, but do recall him offering help with food bank and so...that's then it has finally clicked on...did i really get to this?..how could i get to this situation? I simply isolated like hell from the reality. Not such a good group of friends, past hunting me, life itself..what do i want from it? That day i wanted to die and to be honest, i have already contacted Samaritans before GC. We spoke few times and i do owe them a lot..all i can repay with is monthly donations to keep them volunteers on call in case some other souls needs help...
So nearly 2 yrs in recovery. 2 sets of counselling, around 7-8 relapses, 1 very good friendship i have made on here failing and around 12 contacts i can honestly call my friends/ angels.
So..how far did i move on in life since starting my recovery bearing in mind my costy relapses? ...i got out of overdraft, i have paid out my loan, i have build relationship back with my sister, i changed jobs, I've got promoted (ironically false here lol), i saved a lot(it is for me) i had quite few interviews around UK,.. i had a holiday back home...i gave my little nephew the Christmas he could of wish for and am.able to put deposit down to move the house.
I see a lot of positives here. Not gambling gave me space financially...the thing is, and i still struggle to move on from is - me and my past. The way i should find and strive on i simply cannot find. Few of my friends told me i have grown up too quick. ..yes, i guess i did. Not even sure if there is a soul out there bein nearly 30 and not interested in parties/ socialising and so on. ..cause i feel like I've been there and done it...more pain and hurt picked up on the way. Recovery is great but changes need to be made to help you to move on, at least to look forward to something...
Ok...let's think positively, 2 more years on i could afford a deposit for the mortgage,have a dog, a new car and maybe..just maybe a new job..if i keep looking. It is not perfect life but the foundation is being set. Does this make me happy? Yes and no. Simply cause i don't know what i want from my life. I know i don't wonna go down in gambling.. this is destroying, more destroying if you have loved one by your side...wouldn't wish it for anyone...but i seem to question myself if you're single and have no goal to reach for, why you need to keep fighting? What for?...yourself maybe....but that's only possible if you accept yourself as a person worth fighting for.

Ok...Sandra taking thinking glasses off lol...f****n hell..too many glasses of red one..goes well with pain killers ha

Day at a time...

S x

Ps. Can we beat this addiction? No,- the most we can do is find the way of living in harmony with it and bein aware that it stands just right besides us waiting for the gap to squeeze through......bein vigilant is vital.

Living with it IS beating it because you are not giving in to it!

As for the other stuff, I had done all my partying by my mid 20's, long before I knew what I wanted out of life & I was 40 before I let anyone into my heart! You've read my diary...I've only found me since I came here! You are worth fighting for & one day when the fog starts lifting, you will realise this! You should be incredibly proud of what you have achieved & keep working towards your dreams! They may not seem very big @ the moment but they are exactly what life is made of & as my wedding book says 'All our dreams can come true if we have the courage to pursue them'! Happiness will come when you start forgiving yourself & I will be right alongside, celebrating with you!

The deal is on...Signing out til 10.03 hours!

Sweet dreams my friend - Juuuuuune

Hi Sandra,

Sounds like you are going through some really hard stuff right now. I'm so sorry to hear this. I think the not going in to work, and the demo slots was you trying to escape. That things feel a bit too much right now. I hope and pray that some of those factors improve, so you no longer feel overwhelmed. Be careful by the sea late at night.

Take care,

f x

Hi Sandra
Hope you are feeling slightly better today? Paracetamol, Olbas Oil and sleep would be my prescription for you. Missed you on nights... again but on days this week and the more nights next weekend so may see you?????
The human psyche never ceases to intrigue me and your dream interested me.
You are an inspiration and thank you for your support.
Take care and best wishes
Cheryl xxx

Yo yo
I don't have a choice re rotation it's part of the deal. Coffee and cake and chat is a date xxxxxx
Huggles to you xxx
Cheryl xxx

Thanx guys and gals 🙂

Diary,

So today has been a long day. Ups and downs but manageable. Tried to find a motivation in the morning and whola!!!! By afternoon i got the essential thing to kick start my day - coffee! (Run out yesterday and felt panic overnight)...so few of Joes down, packed some stuff (table gone lol..so next time i eat will b on the floor lol), rang in work to pass some more "cheery" news on, slipped on my demo games (virtual lapse there...slap my wrists) and sorted my washing out.
Overall not too bad day, no energy to go for the run plus the inspectors watching over my shoulder put me off risking my good deed lol..
..evening drawn, so i just thought i shall sit down in my packed sofa lol, have a glass of red wine and maybe a cake on the side..yum...no food today so far so that will go down well i guess.
Another day tomorrow, trip to the skip and do sweet sweet f***l again 😉 happy days, love my recovery and motivation!

Happy days...still no gambling...still holding on tight...4 walls bein held together

Stay safe all
Keep winning in any way you see it as a winning!

S x

Glad to see you taking it easy (no training when you're sick, you know the rules!)...The cake & fruit juice will sort you right out (I think - but maybe have Cheryl's Plan B on stand by)!

Be safe, be strong & remember to leave your phone in the kitchen tonight - Juuuuuune

Hi Sandra,

Glad to read you're recovering from your cold and that you are positive and on the mend. Your picture of life in a few years time is kind of similar, at times I feel the urge to travel and to see the world, and other times I would just like my own house, a dog, and a job that gives me a little more freedom.

For now, we can just keep plugging away and working on the path to get there. Hope the red wine on an empty stomach didn't hit you too hard!

Ryan x

I stay in bed til 3 pm with the fone right next to the bed (or under my pillow or even in bed with me)...Set the 1st alarm for 9, one for half past then let them snooze every 9 minutes (what is that about) until I find the strength to have a quick look @ my diary & then reset them for 11, eat sleep, post, repeat 😉 I would blame my body clock but I never went to bed @ night even when I was a kid...Must be a Vampire :-0

Well I struggled with the pact this morning as I had 'nothing to do' for the 1st 9 minutes of my commute...The man sat next to me must have wondered what was up as I picked up my phone & put it down @ least 20 times! There will be no posting from me after half 9 tonight as on the 0530 in the morning & don't wanna risk boredom!

Hope you're feeling a bit better today! Laters taters 🙂

Morning S,

Good to see you in good spirits this morning lol.

Hey I am not driving to Lincs to clean hour windows because

A You are moving out

B It's raining and even I am not daft enough to clean windows in the rain,

Hope you are getting plenty of packing done and not even thinking about those demos, cos they are a waste of your valuable time.

Lol lol, (must stop using this word but can't use little pics on my basic IPAD (lol-again) will think of a new word HD (happy days) I think.

Sxxxxxxx

Hey,

Ohhh Happpy days, ofcourse you didn't hurt me feelings, HD,

Sooo sorry I forgot about your deposit yes it needs to be spotless be on my way soooon, HD ( happy days in case you have already forgot) LOL,

Careful at that skip, you are quite delicate, would not want you to fall in,

Suzzzzannnnneeee xxx

You too Hun HD to you

Take care

Sxxxxx

You back from the tip in one piece then? No time for posting, get your skinny jeans on & get scrubbing girlie!

Thanks for the support...There was never any question that I was gonna give in to the f**kers just a bit disappointed that they tried it on! Maybe should have given the swimming a miss & taken up Kung foo 🙂

Soz but I'm gonna ignore your advice & take an extra 20 quid out of the machine - I can do that now I am a responsible adult & have my bank card 🙂 Then I'm gonna hunt Mr Gamble down & whack him round the face with it...Then maybe go to Primark! I'll have arms like Popeye if I spend 20 quid in there...Just think how many pairs of socks I can buy 🙂

HD - ODAAT

o*g...I didn't even see you there recording me - didn't see the NM turn up either 😉

Just checking in to check out as don't wanna not be able to use my phone in the morning!

Sleep tite when you go & keep strong ODAAT - Juuuuuune