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Hey diary,

Another day another dollar as they say. Sun is shining so am eager to kick start my day in high spirits 🙂 as Suzzaaannnee says - HD

Diary, was thinking for a while now about my personality and blah blah...boring stuff for sure. About me getting attached to people and excessive "care" for them. Can tell i have compulsive behaviour lol..
...so, after some thought i decide that being in recovery brings so much joy but also sadness some days. That we are all in control of our future and decisions we make. That we need to put ourselves first and let the events around us unfold. Giving and taking equally. That we are not bad people having this addiction and that we try our best to succeed in our quests and turn things around.
this site is god send. So many similar journeys with one and the same target - stay on the road to brighten future for you and the ones around you.

..ok, i guess there is something I'm trying to spit out here lol. As much as i love this site to pieces i have noticed i am getting too attached to people's lives on here again. Been here before and had to take a step back, but kept reading a lot.
At the end of the day person himself/herself has to do the dirtiest and hardest work to stay afloat...so much you can say...leave it or take it individually.
I need to try and get wheels moving again, at the minute i feel stuck and going round in circles. I need to start concentrating on myself and find the way forward in living in harmony with this addiction while dealing with the stuff on the sidelines.

you're addict or not, you will always have stressful things to deal with in your life. Recovery is bespoke and every little bit what helps us is a way forward right. Even an inch forward- is still a progress.

Right, enough waffling me thinks..soon be sunset at this rate if i carry on lol (compulsive personality!!).
Gonna ease off posting and reading. Gonna keep building my bridge..brick by brick. All i can do is try and just embrace the unknown.

What i would like to pass on to new soldiers or the ones who has been here a while - it can be done. You gotta be kind to yourself, accept yourself as a person, never stop giving up and reach for your goals no matter what. Take all the support offered, use it to benefit your journeys..and never forget to live, because that's the core of this addiction - we forget how to do that in a middle of mist.

Day at a time
Signing out till next time and thank you all sooo much for everything. My friends, fellow soldiers - keep up the good work! You are worth it!

(Many of you behind the scenes, I'm not saying goodbye lol, will catch up with you soon enough)

Over and out
God bless

Sandra xxxxx

http://youtu.be/1y6smkh6c-0

Vergiss-mich-nicht!

I have been dipping in & out of this email all day wondering exactly what to write & that just kept coming to mind! A German girl I used to work with (a long long time ago) taught me...I have never forgotten (old but like an elephant me) her 🙂

You make sure you take your own advice & if you're not back before then, have a safe & smooth move into your new place & the next real chapter of your amazing life (hope Suzanne doesn't let you down & you get your deposit back)! I will be sure to honour our 8 hour pact in your absence!

Until we 'meet' again, look after you (don't change), look after your golf balls & keep winning ODAAT - Juuuuuune

Hi Sandra,

Finding the balance is what we addictive personalities always struggle with, whether it is in caring for others, pumping money into a machine, drinking, exercise, or simply not obsessing about regrets and mistakes we've made. The same goes for the site, it is a very useful place to come, and I've made some good friends here and the support has been amazing. Equally, we still have lives to lead, and the forum will still be here! You know I tend to float in and out, some times I'm just so busy, or so lazy, that I don't come on here and don't have anything to say.

Do what you are comfortable with and what helps you best in your recovery without getting in the way of all the other stuff.

Take the step back, but if you need it, the forum will still be here with unconditional support.

Ryan x

Hi Sandra
So true about facing this individually but is nice to have some support along the way.
Ryan speaks sense we will always find something to obsess over but better to be whilst recovering.
Take care
Cheryl xxx

...day 1 - no gambling.

Well done S on coming back, YOU come 1st, look after YOU

Walikiing along side with you all the way my little friend.

S xxxxxxxxx

Hi Sandra... and well done for admitting the slip. It demonstrates that your working recovery and being honest. I hope the damage done wasn't to great and you get over it quickly. Am sure you will.

I understand what you say in your previous post about feeling stuck and going round in circles. Its hard to break free of unproductive patterns of behaviour. But keep trying we must.

As Suzanne says, look after yourself and remember that simply writing your thoughts helps people. You don't have to go round the forum writing to everyone..unless you want to of course.

Take care, keep safe... S.A

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

God give me strength to carry on living..

....and since praying has finished i can attempt to pass few hours in the safety of my "second home" before sweetest job on earth will call me in...so, i did gamble today again..please excuse me for lying in my post this morning... feel like driving myself to the wall here and no seat belts needed. Ohh dear..mr Gamble, maybe enough for today? Maybe let me go from your grip and go back in your corner. Had enough of this abuse..
So, to lift some fog up i decided to go for a run..haha..what a run that was!! 10min later i was back puffin away in a garden..
Is it true that it can affect you physically and emotionally? I remember Duncs saying he didn't even shaved for a week when he slipped last year..well, good job i have no beard or not a German 🙂
..interesting point here and still not sure if should put it here...evil site has no "withdrawal reverse"? How does that work out?..
I sound like from stone age lol..but things in that section or sector! Has changed a lot. Wouldn't suggest you to go and find out cause old good LOOSING is still the same and running.

Well..ok..2hrs sleep last night, few drinks (god how bad to drink while in that mindset...it's going down like buckets of water!!), watched a movie, (don't ask about what, can't remember), around 4 hours in a trance just glaring through window, forcing at least something to eat so i can stay on my feet tonight ... i am all set up and ready to go! Have to ring dear dad to find out the op date...problem is, i cannot speak today. Just complete silence..but that will have to be broken i suppose.

Feel very ashamed, disgusted and useless. Gave the best advice (bless my English lol) yesterday and couldn't even use it for my own safety. Nasty nasty soul!!!..
..so what next? ..well, day 1 tomorrow. Have to start again I'm afraid.

Ive often written the same myself after gambling setbacks.

Its all part and parcel of recovering...

The important point is that your here and haven't dissappeared into the wilderness....

I give you much strength to carry on.... take care... S.A

P.s... we posted at the same time. Glad your ok. Onwards and upwards

Ooopps ..i haven't finished rambling yet.
All in all, everything is under control for now...a little urges but they can f***f. Had enough, ....i am a gambler...but i don't want to gamble my life anymore...

Surely even someone like me, deserves something more than destruction?

Gonna say again : it can be done but we really need to WANT to do it. Simples

Stay safe all

Hey you,

Will be glad when you get this S***e out of your system, hopefully work will do that, (maybe shouldn't say this but not

being able to withdraw reversal has left you in limbo,) Don't let it run the course and win, you are worth so much more, it's cxxp

You are going through very tough times, you know that's not the answer. Ok if it's helping you get through, but it's not really, it's making you feel worse.

I know I can't tell you because when I was in the thick if it, no one and I mean no one could/would have stopped me,

I understand, only you can do this, and I am sending you the strength to say NO MORE,

And thank goodness you are not a German girl, they never shave lol.

You have no reason whatsoever to feel ashamed, and disgusted and I am proud of you for being so honest and posting.

Here and elsewhere always

Sxxxxxx

Hey No-Eenglish-some-German-but -not-German-Thank-Goodness, I have no idea of the evil you speak of but it sounds nasty 🙁

Good to see you came straight back 🙂

I paid a couple of hundred pounds for my hypnosis & it stopped me gambling for about a week so @ that time it was money well spent! I went there to get cured & I was mighty P'd off to hear that he couldn't cure me...w*f?!? Apparently, it can't make you do anything you're not willing to do & @ that time, giving up had not crossed my mind! I went under very easily & I felt really odd afterwards but to be honest apart from the resolve of not wanting to think I had wasted all that money, the only thing I actually really got was a technique to make me smile. It was supposed to be used to 'take me to a happy place' when I wanted to gamble but I never used it! It does work to this day (just checked it out) but I use it sparingly as I don't want to wear it out! I never went back for the other 5 sessions that he said I would need as to my mind, what was the point if it couldn't cure me! I am probably therefore not the best person to ask!

Stress does indeed mess with our bodies as well as our minds & it was also only a few days ago that you had a cold so be kind to you ODAAT - Juuuuune

Thanx guys,

Dad is booked in for next Wednesday. Too late for laser op so leg will have to be cut open to sort the mess out 🙁 plus anastetic alongside staying in hospital for a few days....

...and here is his daughter...gambling money away like nothing around matters... 🙁

Going to work, urges P**s off!

Plastic smile on, encouraging words for my team ready, let's make it a productive night..HD

I was up early but I couldn't post on the train coz of our pact - I knew you'd be keeping an eye out 😉

Tonight is your punishment for trying to go it alone & having a moment of madness! You must keep that fake smile on all night (when in public) no matter how much it hurts & you must say one good thing to every member of your team - even if it's just that you like their shirt 😉 Then tomorrow you will be able to sleep soundly knowing you have paid your penance! I am sorry to hear about your poor Dad & I expect you gambled to block this out but let this be a lesson, it didn't help (just made you feel like poo) so back to recovery you come young lady!

None of us will ever forget!