...

x

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Thanks all ☺

Just few alterations on diary. (In case some of you starts panicking whats going on lol)
All is good!

One day at a time

S x

Great to read all is good S,

Take care and KSAS

Sxxxxxxxx

Thanks for your support and kind, encouraging words on my diary. It was hard getting all of my "stuff" down on my diary, but I really do feel so much better for having done it. Putting it on there stops it going around and around in my head and helps calm my mind.

I don't know what your life story is, but I know that you understand some of where I'm coming from. Have you written it down here in the past?

I hope you're doing ok. I saw that the demon demo games are still around. The only times I've come close to depositing recently have been after using those, so I'm hoping you can kick them into touch as they can be dangerous. You might need to use some of ODAAT's ninja stuff 🙂

Keep on keeping on.

LifeBegins x

Hello diary and thank you so much for support ladies ☺

A little update. Not much to report really, i seem to surface in & out of reality recently, this is strangely making me feel calm. I seem to take every hour of my living day & night on the chin.
Been busy weekend at work. Many challenges finished with staring at the "red moon" for an hour on Sunday night lol..it felt good & calming! (Heard it should send you mental, which maybe it did lol..but since I'm coo coo anyway, not much change was detected ☺)

Yesterday was long but good day. Met and talked to my friend (sponsor) for a good couple of hours. I seem to let much more stuff go..something i held so deep is resurfacing again, very surprised..but here we go...maybe i just found the soul to trust with all my past issues...warts and all.
Today was quite good day! Don't wonna rub in..but gonna have to cause I'm proud of myself lol! I did 14 miles in 2hrs 10 min! Go me! I feel awesome for getting my personal best! Not the quickest one, but I'm happy with it since last i run was nearly two weeks ago due to my work commitments and feeling tired constantly.
One of the legs feels in pain and just wondering if i pulled it or something. Took me 10 mins to get up to 10 flights of stairs :-/ ..need a property with a loo downstairs me thinks! Never mind , if needed - crutches will be provided for work tom 😀

To end it...am just watching a hedgehog eating on some food in the garden! Cute lil things ☺

As of gambling..i nearly lapsed maybe half hour ago! w*f? ive seen the advert and logged straight onto the site :-(...fortunately for me, i was already registered there and self excluded also...dissapointed in myself..but crazy moment has passed! What was i thinking??!?? ..crazy for sure!

That's about it..am holding on..one day it's easier to surf all this, the other not..life goes on..

Keep up good work troops and please never ever let your guards down! Addiction is sneaky and very patient..

Till next time diary
One day at a time

S x

Hi Sandra,

Well done on that run! That's a great effort........ 14 miles!! Go YOU indeed girl!!

And very well done on batting away that horrible urge to gamble that crept up on you! So glad that you were self-excluded from the site. It is crazy for sure, and just shows us all that the addiction can lull us into situations like that when we least expect it.

Keep strong

Ade x

Really pleased to hear you're doing well. It's great that you've got someone that you can confide in and talk things through with. "Warts and all" is the best kind of friend to have. Someone with whom you can be yourself. Letting down your guard, unearthing buried feelings and talking them through takes courage and you're doing it. Good on you. That's as impressive ( and probably harder work) than the run....Go Sandra, go Sandra, go Sandra ( I'm doing that strange American hip circling dance thing as I type.... maybe not an image you want in your head but too late :))

As for that website...Phew! Thank f**k you were already excluded. But I have to ask, how broken is your triangle? Do you need to take a sledgehammer to it to make sure you couldn't deposit when that horrible impulsive moment takes hold? Just a thought.

Keep riding the waves. One day at a time 🙂

LifeBegins x

Hi Sandra... Just wanted to congratulate you on your running time and the distance... excellent! 🙂

Your ready for a sub-2 hour half marathon. Get yourself signed up to something.

Must admit I had to go on garminconnect just to see what my 14 mile running times typically were... and they were all between 2 hours and 2 hours 10.. so your hot on my heels 😉

Glad to hear that the urge to gamble passed, they always do if we let them!

take care.. S.A 🙂

Hi Sandra
Glad you are keeping up your good work
Cheryl xxx

Hiya... just popping in to say hi. Done any more runs? Must admit that ive done very little over past few days, though bizarrely my garmin watch has suddenly started working again, so guess thats my push to get out and go running.

Well done on your gamble free time, well on the way to that 90 days!

Regards... S.A 🙂

Thank you so so much all..i know im not about a lot no more, i do read sometimes (even managed to have a rant on "feedback section" last night...sozzz GC) & i do check in on most of you soldiers ☺

Last week was turbulent for me. I swung one rusty door open of my life and it hit me hard. No regrets tho, i kept my "dirty" secret for far too long and it's good to know it's out now and i can work on it to heal this soul and work on forgiveness. Once again, thanks my dear frined for listening (you know who you are).
This followed with few ups & downs at work, sleep, food, excercise...but I'm bk on my two feet now ☺..everything passes for sure!..I'm not beaten.
Had my medical not long ago..in my eyes it went well lol..not sure what they think of me but it's work in progress and i shall let you know of the outcome next week ☺. It was a good day overall and i realise how much i need socialising and meeting new faces in my life...loneliness is acceptable for me, but i stepped over the mark with it and i know it..need to drag myself bk out to big big world.
Few blips on demos again...last one was last night, but thinking of depositing my hard earned repulses me. I know addiction is alive in me..i can feel it, sometimes it comes closer ..sometimes not so much, i am still questioning and kicking it bk where it belongs...hopefully i can set myself free even from these "breaks" of my head and stop the need to see spinning reels in front of me.
So that's me..challenging day ahead with sailing the ship to the right direction but i can do it ☺...staff best behave lol

Take care all, stay safe & sound.
Much love, respect and belief to you all.

As dear Ade says - recovery is possible!

S x

Hi Sandra,

Really proud of you! You are achieving many things in spite of painful emotions. It is hard to pull yourself back from those urges, but you did, so give yourself a big high five!

Lots of positive energy in many of your recent posts. Remind yourself of this when you feel flat. It's OK to feel flat. We rise and fall, ebb and flow, like the ocean.

Keep talking about that difficult stuff that resurfaced, as it will be fuel for urges if it is not given a listening ear.

Love,

f x

Hello diary,

Thank you Freda xx

Fecovery is awesome!!!

Hey Spider Killer! Good to see you here. I haven't been around much as life has been mega busy but it seems as though you're doing well. "Recovery is awesome!!!"...it sure is, and I'm so glad that you're reaping the rewards of all your hard work. I know it hasn't been easy (bit of an understatement!) but you're doing it. Every day taking a step forward...sometimes big, scary steps other times small little tiptoe steps. Each step counts....each one takes you away from the past and towards a brighter future. And whilst in the middle of it all, you've still reached out and helped and supported other people. You're a star!

LifeBegins x

Hi coo coo,

Read your post last night, must be going senile lol, it's disappeared, anyway totally understand what you wrote, and it's good to write it all down, even if it disappears afterwards, (am known to do that myself 0))))

Doesn't matter does it, we are what matters, you are pushing through some tough issues, but you are doing it,

The challenge finishes tomorrow and I know it has helped each and everyone on there, me included of course lol.

Take care and keep SAS

Sxxxxxxxxxx