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Hi, Sandra,

Sorry to hear that you're still struggling.

My teenager is struggling to find the enthusiasm for much, not helpful for forthcoming exams. I'm more of a practical, can't-you-just- get-on-with-it-before-it's-too-late sort of a parent. Any suggestions would be welcome, if you would?

Thanks and BW,

CW

Thanks, Sandra, much appreciated. Will try.

Don't want to sound prissy, but can't you give some of your own wisdom to you? It's worth having.

Look after yourself,

CW

Thanks CW, but wisdom is nothing if i cannot apply it to myself...and i can't..not yet. ☺..happy to help if you can call it help :-))))

Diary,

Long day but a good day it was! Even managed to grab a cuppa at Maccy D's and that just something i never do on my own!..progress indeed ☺

Sadly the events unfolded in Mr G's favour after that and all i can say is - ...ouch! M****** f****r lol

Looks like the deposit for the house will have to be postponed for a year or two :-/...ouch again but it is what it is! My money is never in my acc anyway so this was my treat i guess....expensive but as always we do survive huh...yes we do ☺

One day the day will come to walk recovery one day at a time...but not for me just yet.

Phew..
Over & out

Have a good week ahead all and stay safe

S x

Sandra,

I'm relying on you and the other Gamcare Sesuo's to make me a pot of gold. You need to keep practicing the boogie woogieing and the steps. As they say 'practice makes perfect' but let's just keep what we all know ' progress not perfection '

I've just learned what KTF is, so please KTF.

Time for me to stop kicking you behind closed doors & come out with a 'doof doof' on your diary! I very much suspect that line about it not being your time is you putting a brave face on things before you crash but enough of the excuses now Sesuo! How can you not be ready for recovery when existing hurts this much?!?

You survived an incredibly horrible week, dragged yourself kicking & screaming to finish your course (go you) & went into Maccy D's without reinforcements (hope you didn't get bitten by a small child) so call it a treat, a stress reliever, a blip, whatever you want just don't let tonight be an excuse to put recovery on the back burner!

Tomorrow (well today now, you know how us night owls work) when you wake up (please let you get some sleep) is a brand new day with new challenges for you to face head on including getting back to that awful job of yours & showing them why they made you a manager!

Why not start recovery today - ODAAT

Hey Lovely, thanks for checking up on me. Things are all good here. I seem to be the only one in the house who hasn't been afflicted by some nasty bug or other. Hubby off last week and now I've got a poorly girl lying on the sofa needing her hand held whilst puking! I'm not the most patient of people when dealing with them (I think my nursing years hardened me up a bit... unless you've recently been operated on or actually dying I don't give out a lot of sympathy!) but I'm doing my best 🙂

The healthy eating is still going strong, although I caved on the tea front. Just can't make it through the day without one...could be worse. An apple eh? Go you 🙂 One thing she says is that by having carbs on your plate it pushes out the good stuff (like fruit and veg) as there's no room for it... which is really true. And I thought that it's a bit like gambling. By having that "on my plate" it pushed out the good stuff (there was no room for it) but now it's gone, I've much more time and energy for everything and everyone else.

Any more trips to Maccy D's? You did good girl. I know that sort of thing is hard for you (heaven knows, a trip there is hard for anyone...full of screaming kids and sullen teenagers). But that's what it's all about...doing difficult things. The more you do it the easier it gets. A few years back, in the midst of my unhinged time, I became too frightened to drive on motorways. I'd drive hours out of my way to get somewhere just to avoid them. A 20 min trip would take me 60 and it was slowly getting worse...I started to get afraid of bridges and tunnels as well. So I decided I had to face the fear....slowly! I'd get on the motorway and come back off at the next junction. After I'd done this repeatedly, I went for two junctions, then three etc. It wasn't always easy.I remember being forced to overtake a lorry in the driving rain and as I went past the spray meant I couldn't see a thing. I was crying and shaking so much I thought my heart was going to explode (it didn't!!). It took months and months but now I can go anywhere. The point of this ramble?...you can do it too. Keep taking those steps, however big or small. Do the things outside of your comfort zone and life will slowly open up to you.The more you have in your life then the less you'll need your addictions.

KOKO

LB x

Sandra

I don't share this secret very often but yoy can't beat a bacon and egg mcmuffin. But as I class you as a friend I thought I would share. But please promise you'll only tell the worthy.

I know your always close Sandra but like all of us, sometimes we feel safer going underground ( isolating )

I don't know how to copy and paste on this phone, but YouTube ' going underground ' The Jam and dance round where ever you are right now

Good for you on the Maccy D 🙂 I'm going to gloss right over the casino 🙁

Hills? I hate them too...well done on going over them. Bit like life eh? Just gotta get over the bumps along the way.

Flying? I hated that too. We virtually stopped going abroad..hubby even drove all the way to Portugal once to avoid flying! But I went on the Virgin airlines fear of flying course. You spend the day learning a whole load of practical and psychological stuff ( I now know how a plane flys, and what all the strange noises are) and then they take you on a short flight. 150 terrified participants all on the same plane!! Mad or what?! There's someone there to talk you through it and hold your hand if needed...and at the end you get a certificate 🙂 Money well spent. Can't say I jump up and down with excitement every time I board ( and I still need the relaxation exercises) but I've done loads of flights since. Something to consider for the future?

LB x

Thanks all,

Well diary, maybe a rant on the way..who knows cause i lost myself recently..

Hmmm...i am a wreck by choice. 3 times this week and i went off on one and gambled..gambled for buzz, gambled for escapism, gambled for being a useless girl...gambled so i hurt more..
I am aware i am done in by now. Addiction has a grip on me i cannot shake off..i can't shake it off believe me or not. I want to change, and i know what needs doing but it's a lot harder now..i simply cannot stand bk up...i have no energy for that and i will keep giving in!

People say I'm doing well with my life...somehow i don't see any progress :-/...part of my heart has just been ripped out by family member who just wanted to end it all not long ago...i was furious at the beginning...but then i realised that sickness can tell you many things and drive you to such decisions..my heart will never heal again after this...i was right all along, there was no connection between us as i hoped all my life...still, my love is unconditional and this is something what won't change! Ever!

I am not with it recently..maybe autopilot...work, home, drink, gamble, work...
I am very sorry for the ones who happens to see/ communicate with me while I'm in this state :-/

Dear Rachel - i always think the world of you and you know how much i appreciate you..you've been hurt by this addiction and nothing will gloss over it. I am sorry, i can't even communicate any more...let alone thinking of meeting you (which was/is the biggest thing i would love)..however, i am no good for you now...i maybe would of last or 2yrs ago...but now I'm a in a deep fog and you need to stay safe! Look after yourself and I'm sorry i couldn't live up for my name as a good friend and supporter.

Dear Shiny - absolutely amazing soul! I could carry you on my hands of i could! The wisdom, compassion, respect, understanding, patience you're showing is something only few people in this world has. I was so so lucky & honoured to meet you in person darling!..i am sorry i let you down over and over again..you deserve better for sure..love and hugs dear friend.

Dear Carla - if you read this...i hope you find that peace with yourself. I am so much in myself i cannot even reply to your lovely email! My mind is blank, I'm an empty shell...I'm sorry too! I love you loads and will always believe in you Hun...always!

Joan - sorry i cannot be more support for you. Your honesty and lovely personality made many of my days sunny and bright! I will be forever greatful! Be kind to you, be gentle to that soft soul you have...believe in yourself and never ever give up freaking fight!

Suzanne - we don't talk outside this box a lot huh..however your support, funny conversations and personality has shown me that if we put addiction in the rubbish bin, we can be 'reborn" as other people...better than before if that makes sense. Keep making your life a heavenly place to be, you deffo deserve it ☺

Soulie - you have dissappeared from the radar :-/...but, there is that light you have about you and i can feel it every time i have a coffee (form your cup...and a cheese triangle for my cold ones lol)..You're a keeper for sure and i wish you all the best in this world! Keep on keeping on girl

Juuune - hmmm... Sesuo huh..i guess i hurt you more than i ever imagined. You're great person & i know that you will keep your head held high moving forward! Sometimes we don't appreciate lil lifes mercies we find on the way. I know i don't deserve your friendship, the dark cloud over me never helped anyone and I'm sorry for everything bad i said/did...I'm Coo Coo after all.

Ryan/ castle - my great soldiers! I hope you're well and staying on straight and narrow! Life is for living, we gotta embrace it to find the passion/happiness within..I'm sure you're there, if not, you're well on a way! ☺

Volcano - Paul, another amazing soul i happened to find in this wonderful place. You're good person and if you keep looking , you will find it! I believe in you & know you can do it my friend ☺...

DF - my lovely lady...ohhhhh how i would love to keep ya company sitting near the river while appreciating little things in life.. there are plenty, but vission is darkened by the gambling fog recently and i can only pray that one day you & me can have a converse with those ducks ☺ look after yourself Hun, your health and wellbeing matters the most!

Duncan - all i can say, strength and honour my friend! Will always have so much respect to you and never forget your kindness and honesty you share with the world! Thank you for being you.

Dan - same with you. Sorry we didn't hit it off well and our opinions differ too much to understand each other. Still, i think you're God send for many souls who will follow your path and find the life after hell ☺..keep on keeping on also

SA - my friend...keep on running and believing in yourself. You are one in a billion and every soul crossing your path gets something amazing in return..the strength and determination ☺

Irene - my wee pal..nearly forgot you lol..you know how proud i am of you! You keep embracing this new found life..who who..but you my lovely deserve the best! Sooo chuffed for you i cannot express myself 😉 xx

Sorry if i missed any of you...just went through my email addresses lol...

I am not ready for recovery guys or its what my addiction is telling me now.
I have no belief in myself...but...i did try!
This black cloud will hang over this Earth...but i simply cannot hurt any of you anymore by my poor choices i make so pls stay safe and committed, look after yourselves and embrace recovery with all your heart!
Life is out there - grab it!

Diary - Sandra
" day seven feels like lifetime" as original post 3yrs ago stated has to log out and not look back.

I wish you well and i will do all i can to pursue my future in more adult manner.

Over and out

S x

Don't let addiction keep lying to you Sandra & don't be a hypocrite expecting everyone else to keep giving recovery their all! You CAN do this, same as you have done it many times before...Stand up & move on! Our minds & bodies can fail us but let us wait until they do! You haven't hurt me because you are unconditionally by my side...I just hurt because you are hurting & not doing what you know you need to do! If you want punishment so much, you have nothing to lose by giving yourself over to recovery! It's going to hurt but there's light @ the end of that tunnel, the one you are in now has only darkness & gloom! Next time you plan to meet me, get in your car & drive...Don't let addiction tell you what to do anymore! Only you can stop it but I will be right by your side all the way!

Look into my eyes, not round the eyes but into the eyes...... Now, Sandra is back in the Gamcare room...

Sandra,

Simply the doors of recovery revolve, it doesn't matter how many times you walk in and out their presence will be with you always.

I admire and respect your honesty.

You as always know where to find me 24/7

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thoughts are with you Sandra.

Come back when you are ready.

Big hug (((( ))))... S.A x

I know I've said this over and over, and I know you're not prepared to listen, but I really don't think you can do this alone. Please get some help. Please go to the doctor. What you're doing isn't working, so it's time to try something else.

Please take care.

LB x

Running away & burying your head in the sand has not & will not ever work for you, so why keep using that method. Please commit to something new & stick with it even when it scares you. Find a good psychodynamic therapist, go to residential rehab, get to your nearest GA meeting. The only way to find balance is when we lean into the discomfort. You cant run from the truth forever S & you can't hide the pain you feel by trying to drown it with addictions. Face the monster S. Unconditionally your friend Dan x

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