...

"We teach best what we most need to learn"

I'm glad you were able to offer comfort. Slowly and surely you're starting to accept it for yourself. You're getting there.

LB x

Wow...it's like brainstorm going on over here lol.
For the last hour i thought about commitment. Commitment to recovery, this site, work, life.
I am noticing that i can stay commited but if time comes where others or i myself break it, i do struggle to bounce bk..lol.
It's like i tried to pull bk from this place for over 2 yrs! Yes, that's long huh... but i guess some strange power kept me here..cause commiting to this was commiting to recovery.
However, i guess my soul is free and always been like that..it's like I'm on continues search for something in life..is it peace and happiness? I don't know. I guess i just need something different time to time, challenging and fulfilling...now i feel trapped...like in cage and going back and forwards with my decisions..vicious cycle..need to break it.
Somebody told me that my heart wants to follow the sun. I think it's right and i don't feel "myself" if i don't get some rays of that lil yellow ball lol.

I am trying to work out what is keeping me here..this site, this town, this job...i guess as wild animal appreciating freedom same is with me (not if I'm an animal ).

I guess little steps.

1) limit your time on here
2) interact in 3D life more
3) know your limits but don't reach for perfection..that never worked and failing in ur head hurts you
4) search for some sunny places - you're free and can do so!
5) sign up for job centre or just leave and that will b a right push for you to find something...don't forget - you will survive without job for a while, we all do
6) do something crazy - healthy for the soul lol
7) ...

This place helped me big deal, I'm not gonna deny it...but recently..maybe last year and a half i start finding it damaging to me..not sure how to explain, maybe i should of taken step bk long ago and stop my overreactions, interferring and so on..maybe i start taking it all too serious & personal..i actually think i stopped myself from moving on.
I am gambling more and more recently. This has to stop and i know that..i have a choice indeed but i do know that if i would change route in my life i would find more great things to with my time.

I just feel i have lost myself in between somewhere...somewhere in recovery...ooopppsss...apologies, i was never in recovery - i was only abstaining! Pah..
I may led unhealthy life with crazy decisions and bad groups but it felt like life more than id does now..
..or am i going through middle age crysis :-/

Either way..who in the right head would send xmas card to gamcare? 😀 ..maybe the person who found honesty and help at a time!
Forever greatful ☺

Not saying this is the last post..hell..i said that before.

I am just continuing to find out what life is about and what makes me tick.
Trip to the seaside on the cards to keep exploring my options ☺

Take care all and keep taking what is given & there is a lot out there which doesn't cost a penny.

S x

Hi, Sandra,

Sorry to see your sleep was disturbed, can't be helpful. And of course, I greatly respect your impeccable taste in duck music, it's just that I can't quite share it, I must be too old.

I have one controversial suggestion to suggest, which is to read up about the background to AA and how the Twelve Steps came about. It's interesting if nothing else.

Take care,

CW

Hi Sandra

Points 1 - 7 all sound like very good ideas. I've posted similar in my diary about getting caught up in the gamcare bubble.

The other points, well they're about doing sheite you wanna do. Which is the best way out of repetitive, negative, cycles. Work little steps towards them.

Best

Louis

Hey you. I take your point about "there". I guess I didn't really mean it as a destination...a place you'll reach or a point you'll be at sometime in the future. I meant it more in the sense of acceptance of ourselves, of knowledge of ourselves and of connection. In that respect I think you're getting there. But I get it and I accept you don't want to hear it and so I won't keep saying it to you 🙂

I do have to respectfully question you on one thing though .As someone who wants to follow the sun and needs her fix of the little yellow ball, what the flippin heck made you pack your bags and move to England? You did check the weather out before you came here right?!! It's a green and pleasant land coz it never stops bleedin raining 🙂 🙂

LB x

Bah...i did try..:-(..not to read (did well for the first hour ..yay me!..patience is my STRONG point obvs 😀 ) but you guys don't help me & i feel the need to reply..

...ok..coming round!

Drum Rolllllllll

A nice cup of yorkshire Tea awarded to Tigger for her outstanding efforts in answering correctly the question of the universe...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=GFfn8L2saYI

So you held out for an hour eh, but then couldn't resist...guess that makes me irresistible!! Lol

It was interesting to read about your past and the choice to come and settle here. Hats off to you my friend. I admire the ability of people who become fluent in another language (I'm not buying the me no eeenglish bit). As someone who struggles to use her O level French when abroad (yes, really, I am that old) I'm amazed when people can not only learn a foreign language, but be good at it and be able to live and work in the country? Kudos 🙂 So, you have a wandering heart and an adventurous soul. Nothing wrong with that. I've travelled a lot for holidays and spent 6 months in America many moons ago, but I'm a homebody and can't really imagine being anywhere else. I'm with you on the need for sunshine though. Nothing beats a sunbed, 100 degrees and a nice cold cocktail.

As I said before, I hear you...I get it. No more "wise words" from me. My lips are sealed. 🙂

LB x

Sisters, eh? There's the old saying you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family! I've managed to broker a kind of uneasy truce with her at the moment. Have worked out that talking with her on whatsapp suits me better and I'm less likely to want to strangle her when it's on my phone 🙂 A good friend of hers died just recently, so I felt compelled to reach out to her. She seems to have appreciated it...we'll see. We've even said we'll meet for lunch next month. Wish me luck.

Yes a bit more exploration from me...no change there then! Unearthing the skeletons has been hard, but facing up to them means they can no longer come back to haunt me. I'm not really digging any more ( I feel that I now know all that's there) it's more that I'm working out how to move forward with it. Tying up the loose ends and then letting them go....reaching a stage of acceptance. Feeling quite zen today! 🙂

Have a good one. LB x

Thanks chooks ☺

Dear diary,

d**n me & my moods..like a yo-yo! Still trying to find the energy to go for a run but already failing and just want to go to bed and sleeep my day away. I have good intentions when wake up lol..go to the seaside, walk or a run..but give 5 min and all comes crashing down :-/
Now, just want to gamble and where the f**k that came from? I noticed i gamble a day before work..place i actually detest (or is it hours i do?)..i asked for the transfer earlier this week, but soon learned that
1. They won't let me go
2. The place i wanted to move is a bit unsteady on it's feet (weird cause it's the same company and our job security here is strong).
3. Raged up cause they pay 4 grand more over there for the same job i do here but they're bankrupting! How does it work out.
I could go on days...i may as well do cause these shifts are slowly but surely are killing me..physically and emotionally...not exaggerating...not at all, i know myself and how i feel.

My sister is like on steroids and i don't know how she can do it! She does 12hrs shifts also, but finds time for the daily gym, taking lil boy everywhere everytime and even manages to cook for a slum of a husband! She might as well put a red gown on and be a superwoman lol

I am learning to smile and wave..weird for sure but it worked yesterday. I learned the vulnerability in people. Maybe i was self centred for far too long..this world is vulnerable place to be, insecurities, anxiety...
I am part of society now and it's sooo true that a smile can lift others up..only a smile huh..magic we are all capable of and have within ourselves.

Spoke to parents..She (my angel) is doing better..she is climbing out of deep black hole..slowly...she is getting there.
Dad is already lonely! Lol..he goes round to see her daily (when not ar work) but as i said he must be one of them souls which cannot be on their own. After all, his soulmate was there for him for nearly 45 years if I'm right..of course their hearts grew together..bless them both.

Ok..riding the storm and moods out..yo-yo huh..that's fine, i guess i need to learn to sit with the feeling.
Also got a little upset cause my sarcasm took over logical side and i said what i shouldn't on here last nite..but we live and learn...live and learn..i am sarcastic, angry, deceitful and i guess manipulative person..qualities of a gambler huh :-)))))))..oh I forgot - hypocrite too 😉

Maybe enough waffle...
....maybe not.

Got too much money in my account and should really start looking for a present for the boy...but nothing comes to mind..really don't know...
...S***e, need to do something cause feel like throwing up..just foot in front of another...Sandra - get ur sorry a*s out in the fresh air! Just do it ya lazy b****h!

That's about it..and that's what i call a dissorted thinking lol.

God help next soul crossing my path!...lol..sound like a danger here...nahhh...just smile...smile even if all you feel is that great huge water fountain forming in the back of your eyes...smile .. 🙂

Laters diary..I'm sure you will handle the mess i just dumped on you.

I was in the flat greens of Lincolnshire last weekend. As a teenager I would probably know your area as well from my time working the land or beating the pheasants out. My psychic see ' s a stump on top of a church bit I may be wrong. Green rules, the smoke doesn't! But maybe a Fisherman from skeg

Ear rings, bracelet, watch!! s***t your not looking like a lincs lass..

Keep pushing but no rolling over

Hi, Sandra,

My take: abstention is too near dry addiction, no using but no real happiness for all concerned. You can live (ie be comfortable and fulfilled) with recovery, not so with abstention.

Just my take, don't take offence.

I'm not going to tell you to look after yourself. Take care.

CW

No worries CW...thank you for your thoughts.
Unfortunately I'm not abstaining nor in recovery anymore.

Gambling makes us horrible people, truly does.

Break time. Thanks for listening

Take care all & commit (pls..for your own good ☺)

' How can you not be ready for recovery when existing hurts so much '

' your not in enough pain yet '

Two people dear to you have told you them lines and to me there both the same.

It's only you, who can get out of the eye of the storm.

The best line for me was " your not f*****g unique, just a very very ordinary man "

Now I give the same line to you. Cross the thresholds Sandra, it doesn't matter which ones but the support is out there.

Yes, well, that's slipping. For what it's worth, you can't be that badly addicted if you are aware of other people and what they might think and need.

If you haven't found what you're looking for, maybe look where the the founders of the twelve steps looked. Oxford has much to recommend it. Not an easy idea in 21st Century England but it worked for them.

Take care,

CW