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Calling Sandra....

Im not a mind reader but I'm sure Rachel would be saying keep talking and you can't do this by yourself. Reading and understanding is good, talking and crossing thresholds is better..

Your a star like star, so your slowly pushing

LOL!!!!!! Thanks sis that was exactly what I looked like! 😀

Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Great wise words! Feeling that pursuing dreams/ accomplishing goals ahead is outweighing the dark side of the world. May long this mindset stays this way ☺
I hardly have goals in my life, i can safely say i am a "slow" learner.
"Make a plan and stick to it...commit" - some more wisdom greatly received yesterday...thank you Dan. After few hours of trying to untangle my behaviour i actually aknowledged that my work is not doing me any favours. I simply don't have enough time to recover from shifts and enjoy life before i have to go bk in...change in that field is necessary.
Life is as complicated as we make it. It doesn't have to be this way, ... behaviour can be changed and reactions to the situations improve.
Going to see GP soon. I know tablets are not cure from gambling, but they are cure of balancing my moods out and helping to see the goal ahead....which, if i get distracted by my own machine on these shoulders are pushed to the side and dark place soon jumps in for replacement.
Will commit to at least 2 chats a week on here and prob join a challenge also. Time to take control back me thinks, i messed about with recovery for far too long.

Tipu tapu ☺

Good morning diary,

Shoot, where has the time gone! Downloaded good app to my tablet (still works even if bruised from previous flying session) and watched few new movies. I absolutely love comedies and a good laugh was what i needed.
Not sure if this new escape is the right one, but hey...no need to think about slots and didn't even have a drink.. (cutting alcohol will be right challenge...i felt so so bored early in the evening & of course i think it relaxes me and serves me with good sleep..how wrong person can be? ..i don't feel too sleepy now but i know that i will wake up in more "calmer" body & mind form and just maybe get out for a run today!...i also believe i spend a fortune on alcohol which slows me down from saving, so will be another good focus of seing some more spare money aside each week. Another quite wakening reason is that my health is detorioating .. not sure if it's lack of sleep, drink, smoking and added life pressures (gambling) combined together...but i shall try to take one thing off the harmful list and see how my ticker gets on then ☺...if i won't try, i won't know.

As planned, seing GP this week...as planned made my two chats on GC last week and another two awaits some time this week...still negotiating with myself about joining the challenge...might sound daft but feel shy to go and sign up lol lol...hell...me out of all the ppl huh!.

Feeling ok today...maybe a good laugh to myself doing its job!

It's snowing outside...it's beautiful view and as always i look up that sky - bright starts are surely out tonight full force ☺

That's me diary, time to get some beauty sleep lol...
4 days clean, will do everything in my power to keep it this way.

Tipu tapu ☺

Hi ya... good to see ya back as always.

Watching comedy movies sounds a great antedote to watching slots! Might start doing it myself. Like you say, taking one harmful thing off the list at a time. Trying to do it all at once is doomed to failure in my experience. I find that when am in a good place I naturally stop doing many of the harmful self-detructive things I do.

Yesterday, out of the blue, I decided to do a long run. I did 13 and was f****d for the rest of the day. This time I don't think it was a good thing to do, it was just filling a void. Five miles would have been good for mind body and soul.

Anyway am glad this "hopeful soul" is back and working recovery as best as any of us can do.

I hope you feel calm and replenished today... S.A 🙂 x

Agreed with SA there, comedy rules ok! slots dont.

You have to know your limits!!

https://youtu.be/LS37SNYjg8w

Let your natural sweetness shine through

Just calling in to say hello. Hope you slept well. I like the new name 🙂

I like your plans, and it sounds like you're sticking to them so that's gotta feel good.

LB x

Hello diary,

Firstly, my name is Sandra and i am a compulsive gambler and an alcoholic in recovery.

Ok...another day upon us
Gambling - 0
Drinking - 0

To be fair tackling my both escape routes proves more than tough, but this time I'm really determined to stick to my life...yes, i say life because that's what i get if refuse to succumb to both. Gambling urges are very light, the whole different story on my other habit 🙁
It's hard to realise how much addiction features in your life until you ditch it. I knew i had a drinking problem (days off work only) but now i gone cold turkey i find it so frustrating and unbearable. I even had tt round last night only cause i couldn't have my way with a bottle...sad if i say so myself...it affects me physically and emotionally and i feel like I'm the most boring person in the world!
I talked loads of b****x during last few months. Combination of lapses being washed away which only just enraged me towards the world. Only now, when my mind is not intoxicated, i see how cocky, biatchy and horrible person i have become...sincere apologies to those affected by my words.
I am not steely girl knowing it all...I'm very much opposite and still very vulnerable personality walking dark tunnels and looking for the way out.
No, i didn't have great upbringing and suffered a lot in my young/teenage years...however, that's past & s***t hapens...I'm not the first nor sadly the last to go through those events, but what i did wrong and all by my own choices ...is running away! Grabbing every destroying clutch possible to sooth the pain and anger...which worked completely opposite...it created more heartache and confusion to my mind and soul.

I am actually dreading the road ahead...what next? What clutch to grab next? Is it gonna bring me more pain or i can choose something what actually heals me?..i don't know what next...maybe even nothing which would b a blessing cause i am simply tired of running...very tired of all of this.

Still not sleeping a lot but can tell i am resting now. At least my mind. It is big difference to pass out and wake up feeling s***t just to repeat the cycle again, than to fight for a shut eye, wake up more refreshed and actually see the world clearly...with less anger/ judgement but more acceptance and understanding.

Watched sobering movie last night. "Trainwreck" ...it's about the girl, running from herself and grabbing for the drink even if her dad dies from alcoholism...very similar story to mine...escaping ourselves never worked...living with ourselves does and can for sure.

That's my thoughts this afternoon. Going for a run and if monsters addictions pays a visit tonight (i know one will 100%) ...nothing stops me from walking through that door where life is a lot brighter and hope is present all around.

I am staying committed for today...why? Because I'm stronger than addiction & know what it offers...no, thank you... - i choose life!

Take care all

Sandra

Hey girl, you just sent a shiver down my back (in a lovely very positive way), Proud of you little friend, for admitting to yourself.

Just one thing to say (((((HUGS FOR SANDRA))))))) simply because you are worth it.

Sxxxx

Hey S,

Thanks for your message:))

Yep our road now needs digging out ohh lol, not cos of the snow:))) the mud from the never ending lorries going in and out.

For two weeks now they have moved one mountain of dirt that was put there from the water board, they have moved it to another area in the field and then they shuveled it up with a big digger onto to lorries and have now taken half away, why didn't they just take it away from the first mountain of dirt ohh:((

Can't wait another two years little friend, why wait for tomorrow, today is what counts, yep your job as I have always said does you no good whatsoever, you deserve better than bloody nights all the time, but I do understand that to find a new job to suit you takes time, just like selling my house, but I do believe it will happen for you and me when we least expect it :))

Patience, positivity is the key, (even if it's through gritted teeth at times:)))

Keep believing in you, like you. Keep believing in folks on here, (me included)

Take care little friend and keep safe and keep looking for those job opportunities, that you truly deserve:)))

Sxxxxxxxx

Hey, thanks S ☺

Hello diary,

No gambling & no drinking. Little euphoria of my great achievement has passed and find myself a little out of sorts again. Not sure if I'm expecting miracles happening so early in my recovery. I know true battle is just about to start. Lay here feeling nauseous and frozen. Work kicked me out (hmmm...why am i moaning?)

Feel like want huge change and just maybe a leap to unknown...still, feel exhausted and weak..little steps i suppose.

Had a little rant with gaming companies, since i managed to open accounts (same details) while already self excluded last week...was told "it's your responsibility not to open accounts", my argument was "how is it possible if I'm already self excluded"... & yes, it is my responsibility but i am a cg and when s*it storm hits, i am not capable to trust even myself & everything around me stops existing until the "deed" is over...still, i accept is shouldn't tey to open them in the first place...cannot explain the feeling when addiction takes over while we are in fragile state of mind (esp at the start of recovery).
They offered to solve the issue (other words gloss argument over or try & protect their "name") amicably & pay me bk my deposits...truly not sure this will help me cause i already accepted my losses...but this has happened twice in the last few months and i managed to open accounts after self exclusions.

It's not about money..it's about how f****d up desire to get away from yourself truly affects you! ...and others around you...this habit is sheer shame, disgrace and utter madness!

However, i am on the journey of balancing myself out..it will require determination, hope, belief & patience.

Rome wasn't built in one day. I am not gonna be healed in one either. ACCEPTED.

Tipu tapu through good bad and the ugly ☺ with help and support accepted on the way.

S x

No, Rome wasn't built in a day...it took us years to get to this point and it will most likely take years to get away from it too. That's just the nature of life.And those years will pass anyway, so might as well make them healing. Change doesn't happen instantly...but it does build on momentum so that when you start making some changes others are able to follow more easily.

I'm sorry to hear about work. All though it's been S****e for you... and in the long term it may be a blessing in disguise...I don't suppose you wanted to be kicked out. Their loss, but that doesn't help you now.

I'm not sure what to say. I feel like I'm tiptoeing around with you...I'm mindful of saying the wrong thing and yet I don't not want to say anything (not sure that makes sense!!).Anyway, I think (hope) you know what I mean and just want to say that I really do want the very best for you.....

So, I'll just send you a ((((S))))

KOKO

LB x

Hi, Sandra,

Take a leaf from Half Life's book: if the gambling companies mess you about, a threat to report them to the Gambling Commission would focus their attention. You've told them that you have a gambling problem, they shouldn't be passing any bucks back to you. And we all know that it's no good making empty threats.

Look after yourself,

CW

Agreed with both yoursrlf and LB, Rome wasn't built in a day as they were too busy doing there hair and admiring there clothes. Now if it was the English, the saying would be ' Rome was thrown up in a day and fell down the following '

Went of on a little tangent there, whoops! Agreed with LB, regarding work, this could be the blessing in disguise. Change is growth.

Don't waste your energy with gambling companies. It's like a star taking on the galaxy.

Hope all goes well with GP and maybe good thing to read the smart lady's LB'S post to SA.

ps. re work? The law society maybe of help if they didn't follow right procedure? Just a thought but could be a few ВЈ and satifaction

Hey all,

Firstly, no...didn't get a sack ! Yeepeee - booooo (emotions)
Just not fit for work but will b bk and bouncing b4 the sunrise for sure.

Thank you all for your imput. LB, i replied to you re your emotions on posting to me. As i said - "words are like birds, when they out we cannot get them back". (Maybe i didn't say that but ya get my drift 😉 ) I did lose many friends through my "rants" and only the ones who truly believes in me, kicks me up my a*se till i cannot sit, shows tough/harsh love and a little empathy now and again manages to understamd me and my moods lol...not a lot of strong souls like that, but God bless them - the patience they a have is amazing. Sorry you feel you need to tiptoe around me...hope you didn't feel like that, but i take the responsibility of my behaviour last month so fully understand.
CW - yes, you are right. Gambling companies are playing the game. I am not that interested in refund so whatever happens - happens. Money gone - end off ☺
V - yes, i read LB's post to SA and agree with it. I am on medication so doing something about my health i suppose. We shall see how all will pan out.

Thank you for your imput all, have a good, safe and calm rest of the day ☺

S x