...

Hey you...thanks for your words of wisdom. "a conversation grown up v grow up"...I love that!

We got it all sorted, and no violence was involved 🙂 and I didn't go visit any online sites, so that's all good.

I hope you're doing ok...catch you soon and thanks again.

LB x

Yo,

Thanks girls and good to see the fighting spirit in you all ☺

Diary,

Holiday started as of today but i feel pants.. 🙁 ..boooooo...something i looked forward to for all week and now it's the last place i wonna go....boo twice lol.
Feeling exhausted, tired and a little peed off for feeling this way. Comon now, sat outside lil blue house for two hours gathering strength to go for a run!? ..that didn't happen...i can't....boo 3x.

On a positive note, spoke to Dad yesterday...and as strange as it was we turned converse to 12 steps :-0...not kidding! I thought that sort of "healing process" doesn't exist in my country but it obvs does. It's more religious based but hell...still 12 steps...was weird to hear that in my language and coming out from Dad's lips...the person he spoken about is a relative of ours who is in his mid 20's and been lost in life all his teenage years...yet...he is making amends through the journey of 12 steps. ..really huge magic for sure!

Sis paid a visit today and had a good catch up..been a while since i looked her in the eyes (confidence gone down a little recently). Deep blue sea stared bk at me...heh...love you my big Sis, .....i know you get me (sometimes).

Hmmmm..Quack tom and hopefully i will get some answers about my physical health..long gave up on mental one lol so not even going there. Will see what results shows never less.

2 days in a row crying on my way bk home :-/...just general good old cry. I know i had dark thoughts but i start thinking what if actually something happened to me...what are my goals i want to reach...not much actually - i just want to see more of the world. That's my wish b4 i go if i have to.

Ok...time to chilax and just maybe bath a cat ☺...where are ya stinks? :-))))

Urges...yeah!!!! Huge...but not today...better not..need to look after my mentality i suppose.

Time to go diary..

...but b4 i go - tune of the day ☺

https://youtu.be/TPK-TMXzRRA

Stay safe all

S x

Ohhh, this addiction trully amazes me...still...lol..3 years down the line. I have never ever gambled my loved ones money away, never been in a position of not paying the bills and never stole or ruined others happiness due to the expenses i caused.. However..there is always a first huh..i promised my lil man a good day out tommorow...cinema with all the pizza hut offers, bowling and stuff aunties do with their nephews...all i can say - i am sat here in awe lol..i put myself and him in the position of these things not happening only cause i am a b****h and cannot get grip of recovery...people say i don't want it enough...hmmm...i start to believing it now..i don't! I don't put enough measures to succeed. I have changed for the worse..my confidence grew through recovery and i become not so nice person saying it all what is on her mind.. being honest = hurting others. I think i am not made for success LOL..that's a thought huh! Maybe when i have a family and someone to care for i will look at things differently...which if I'm honest (again) i struggle to understand others...i truly do....but again...addiction is a mind****...just a mind**** in person where we start prioritising something soooo worthless and silly...disgusting! That's my verdict...but i will keep coming bk there cause I'm disgusting person....ohh *****...**** ... Escalating mayhem for sure. Ok..breathe...my lil man will have a good day tom..it will come from the overdraft...same as phone bill...but i shall keep putting the brave face on until.....until i .. (To b continued) Gambling s*cks but it's my way of survival i guess.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself down & start all over again...You know the rules, time to try something different to the last shot!

I've known you a year now & I don't think for one second you've changed for the worse! You still have a long way to go maybe but it's been a hell of a year rooting around inside Pandora's box & dragging out the c**P that you can't just cart off to a charity shop & be done with it!

You're a bleep for gambling but I forgive you! Tipu tapu Sesuo - ODAAT

f**k you addiction and all what you bring

I have never asked you to beat me till i limp

Yet somehow you lead the dark light aheadВ 

Whoever is blind will follow you there

This life and it's purpose matters f**k all,

Because you give us something what matters it all.

That one hour break, that freedom you give

The feeling of "f**k it" goes straight to our brain

You will not be sad, you will come out rich!!

You even put past demons at peace

You will forget what matters the most

You will be happy in the company i hold..

Forget today and don't think far ahead

I am the answer to your questions you have.

I will let you feel the way you want to

I will answer all the questions to keep you at peace.

There is only few factors i shall keep to myself...

I will keep asking more without your concern.

I will keep coming back there is sun or rain

And will keep claiming back your peace you abstain

I will knock the s*it out of you you like it or not

It's me you decide to have one to one go

I will never forget how friendly you was

To start all this mayhem and i shall be the last.

You have no idea what you taking on

I'm master of fookhead and pleasures i pass on

You will always wait for a break through ahead

Ya know what - i will be unconditionally there.

Until you make your first f*****g move

To desert me like piece of s**t - i will not ba***d move

It's down to you to make the last step

What it will be? - one more go or let you feel free?В 

You know the answer and i shall stay put

I gave you enough of mindfook to boot..

You will feel sorry and painful inside

Ha! Not first time you're feeling this down!

That's me in all colours you choose

Black or white, rainbow or gloom.

You tried and you failed...all 3 years long

How do you think i will leave you from now on.

How are you gonna say goodbye?

Are you not scared what lays in front of your eyes?

Are you ready to say goodbye?

Are you for sure about turning ur life upside down?

You know how much patience i have in me

You also know strong i can be.

I shall leave you at peace for day or week

But don't be kidding yourself you're free.

You won't be free, not till I'm alive

And you know too well how i survive.

I breathe, i eat, i take piece of you

I will keep reminding it's me you're destined to.

If you choose to leave i might hang around

For a week, month or year if you please.

And all these thoughts was coming out from you

Just look what a strength i have within you!

You're f****d and you know it deep inside,

Make that first step ....you never know -

It might save your life!

Admit and commit, that's all you gotta do...

I am just addiction...yet...holding on to you...

I'm nothing to mess about, you must realise

I take and keep taking until you say HELP!

Words are my favourites - they mean f**k all

The actions I'm most coutious of

But you are you and you like to gob

That's how i know im here for a long haul.

I will not complain - i gain after all

It's YOU who should think " it's time to get hold"

I am an addiction, i won't leave in peace

You had many of these to know what i mean.

I will however just let you to think

You never know, the light bulb might hit.

f**k you for deserting me after a while

But as you know....I'm here...by your side.

Whatever you make out of this one to one

I hope it has given you some food for thought.....

Morning Sis,

Don't beat yourself up. Addiction feeds off of that s**t. You know where to find me. Not going anywhere. xxx

Party time....

****** WARNING ********

I will have some cake and balloons today
Yeah why not - time to celebrate!
Doesn't matter that loved ones went without any for years
It's ME I'm concerned about this time and day.
I am happy & clappy and don't give two damns
There is no misery around me when recovery commense.
Here and now matters the most
Yeah, why don't we kick past out of it all.
It doesn't matter what i did wrong
Who cares about "them" which was hurt by it all.
I am gonna smile and i will forget
It's new life with no regrets I'm looking ahead.

Ohhh yea, by the way - i did great today
I managed to do my shoe laces again!
I shall celebrate it with my party blues
Its my cake i p*s s on while popping balloons.

It's like Peter Pan land on GC these days
If you won't high five me i will cry for days 😉

Bam bam shaka lacka lol

Morning Happy soul , Your right in your post , if you can't be happy for yourself then you can't be happy around others , you should start looking to the future as theres really no point in keep dwelling on the past .

Take care now and sending you a big high 5 ! .

Dear diary,

A little low post but that's just how i feel...sorry.
I was suggested great advice by V and am gonna give it a go. A different place with like minded people (struggling with mental/ emotional state). ..looked it up and already felt at home ☺..even if i cried most of the day, it was so rewarding to even post to few souls and offer understanding ear..
Not sure if i ever mentioned on here before, but i was very close with Samaritans at the start of my journey on here. Calls, emails and even texts...yes...it was tough going but i realy needed someone to listen to me at the time...most importantlu while i went through counselling and opened up for the first time in years.
I am into volunteering now...its responsible but rewarding duties but to be fair i am struggling. as i was told before i don't think i am ready to dish out great support and help everyone while i need help myself...and i do need help cause this mindset is not the way to go forward.
I remember having great friend from here but friendship sadly reached the point of diverting ways...my heart was in pieces and i am forever greatful to Rachel (dotty) and Shiny for picking my pieces and glueing them bk together.. that was something i couldn't think was possible..thank you ladies xxxx
There come a time, where history kind of repeated itself and i was into position of picking someone elses pieces (so i was told..it didn't feel like that at the time..i was only listening and supporting)...we made a great friendship and become "sisters".
For some reason i feel like im the one to shatter someone's heart now and leave pieces for someone else to collect. What the hell is wrong with me?

I just feel very lonely and insecured. I know people try to help me, yet i still don't think they understand me. I cannot change for someone and be happy if i don't feel like it. I cannot live up to someones expectations. I have a depression...i admit it.

Thinking of this all now...gambling is an escape...yes, i found this site because i needed listening ear and share support & feelings with. I got it in buckets..never regrets and thank you all.

My problem is lack of connection. Yes, i did develop alcohol problem same as gambling one in the process...i cannot change that.

I guess it's just time to move on..not sure if seing people being low and sad will do me good on some days...same as here..talking about gambling triggered me before...
But such is life. I cannot dish support on here because i hardly follow my own advice. However, i hope i will be more use to the souls who are struggling with life and depression itself. Helping others somehow magically helps me ☺

Take care all and all the very best in your recoveries. I will touch the base to update on my journey with this particular addiction.

For now...gather some dust diary..thank you for the space to put my thoughts down for the past 3 years.

Stay happy all...share happiness with the world

Sandra x

Sandra,

Your a good person, and one day, you'll realise that too.

Rach and Shiny are top people too, your friendships with others will last too, if there true.And in my gambling head without knowing who they are, but if they came from here they are true too.

I think the line of '' you can only do it by yourself, but you cant do it alone '' is so very true.

I, for one, wanted others to do my leg work for me, my issue's far out weighed there's in my clouded head, then eventually the penny drops, and you realise every one has issues at varying degree's and can only offer support, but in the long run, can only look after them selves... AS they say ' recovery is selfish ', which is a hell of a hard concept to understand after a period of selfish addiction.

The strongest, humblest people i know or have read about are the people who have faced up to there adversity and come out the other side. A part of our nature, or atleast mine has a tendency of being resentful of people who have ' got it ', but that to me is part of the process.

We're probably in the wrong century for mental heath issues, not being the stigma as it is. And i would imagine, many people go through life not understanding there issues but finding away to deal with it and fit into society with the aid of a mask. That to me, isnt a life, so in a fashion adversity is a gift, and brings our spirit to the fore.

I read between the lines of your posts and the over whelming roller coaster of emotions you go through, that, indeed you are asking your self the right questions, now by speaking them out loud to people who are trained in that way and make it there life vocation, that you'll soon be giving yourself the right answers to your questions.

This isnt me being nice, but your breaking through and you will find the serenity/acceptance that everyone deserves....

Rule no.1 - Please stop beating yourself up and your from being a b.itch ( the wrong label ), your a mere human, who's probably seen more than alot of us on this forum, and to top that, your away from your old home and finding feet in your new home.

Rach, Shiny, Odaat, Joan, Suzanne and the list goes on, have got you from every angle, but you, Sandra is the one with the key...

Hi Paul and Sandra (Sis),

I'm always a little lost, and maybe a bit slow but, whatever you need girl - go after it and grab with both hands. Never worry about me as I'm a tough old dried up peice of cod. 🙂 ((((((((((((sis))))))))))))) - joanxxxxx

Hi Sandra

I don't think I can add more than what Volcano has just said. But, from having been a long time secret admirer of your posts, I'm sorry that you are leaving so soon after finally getting to know you a bit better. But I do understand your reasons and hope you can see the progress in yourself which I have (secretly) seen.

Very best wishes
Louis xx

Ah Sis leave it to me to own it. GUILTY!! Whatever it is it must be my fault. Lol! All I know is that I have been a forum member for a few years and you have been there as a listener, supporter, and constant cheerleader for sooooooo many. You are wise. You are kind. You are unselfish and one of the most courageous people I have ever met. I ain't worried about you grrrrrl. You are a survivor. You know where you can find me. Always and unconditional. -joanxxxx

Hey Girl, look I know we've had our disagreements or differences of opinion but I just wanted to wish you well , I realise now that you had more issues than just gambling to deal with and i really should have been more understanding of that , I apologise for anything that I might have said in the heat of the moment that would have caused you upset , I'm still learning myself how to deal with some of the cra.P that gets into my head some days and realise that I'm always going to be work in progress . Take care S and look after yourself ..... Alan

Hey Lovely,

I've been wanting to pop by and "touch the base" over the last couple of days, but just haven't been able to find the words. I hope you're ok. I think Paul/V expressed it very well, and I agree with all that he said. I hope you find the support wherever you go looking for it. There will come a time, even if it's not yet, that you're able to face the demons that are holding you back. I so want it to be now for you...but it has to be when you're ready and I have learnt to accept that (thanks for teaching me some patience...I'm trying to stop threatening to shake people now!). I diasgree that you can't offer support and advice to people though...sometimes "we teach best that which we most need to learn" and your support and kind words around the forum have been appreciated. I want to waffle on, but I won't. You know the answers really...I just want to say one thing that helped me when I used to beat myself up "not mad, or bad just sad". When I got to the bottom of the sad, the rest disappeared.

As always, wishing you well. LB x