...

Hi, Sandra,

At the risk of being prissy/zealous, I repeat my earlier suggestion: maybe what you're looking for is spirituality? Carl Jung hesitated to suggest it to Roland H back in the 1930's, it wasn't politically correct, sounded too zealous, even then. But the founders of the Twelve Steps found that it worked, (with effort), maybe worth sticking with?

Look after yourself, I wish you a peaceful holiday.

CW

Hello Sandra,

As you can see, many forum members do appreciate your sensitivity and admire your authenticity, and your endeavor to represent your experience honestly, including the range of your feelings and your ups and downs with recovery. Just as the movement towards self-awareness and self-acceptance is ongoing, so too is the development of understanding and acceptance of others. Sharing the forum pages, members do encounter others with different experiences and perspectives, and this can be challenging, informative and rewarding. You mentioned exercising some impulse control by not sending those posts that you decided not to publish after editting and re-editing, that was probably an act of self-care as much as a consideration for the forum, so well done.

Take care,

Forum Admin.

Ohhhh..dear forum admin! Made me jump here a little and was expecting full slap on my wrists ☺..but you didn't....I'm only fragile...lol..thanks anyway guys..better later than never to restore peace i guess.

So diary,

Not feeling well today..actually was the worst nighshift i can remember in ages! Thank you R so so much for calming me down re my health issues yesterday...i did ring Sister but as expected before i spit my worries out she spum round to shout "leave that place cause it's killing ya!"..so that converse ended there lol..good...not sure why i tried to look for comfort there.
Just thank you...unconditional xx

Ok..spend most of the day in bed...physically not able to do volunteering, couldn't confirm holiday booking or ring parents..but it's just one of them days...i accept them.

Errr...yes..i did gamble also but ..(don't even know how to say lol)...i will accept my mistake and already self excluded from the place. It's just one of those things in my recovery i suppose...don't think i will loose any extra sleep cause of that..nothing to lose heh.

Am toying with an idea to have a drink...ohhhhhhhh...watch out GC lol..would be nice to be suspended for a while cause scared of my own words if I'm honest...but ..hand on my heart - i will try to behave 100% ...promise ☺

Thank you all for your messages....all "criticism" taken on board for sure...all is good...I'm good..I'm at peace actually..i truly am.

Stay safe all

S x

Dear diary,

One of the posters WOWED me big time tonight..LB..thank you for sharing...
I always knew this but never thought about it deeply...when i got hurt number and number of times, i start hurting others myself (hurt hurts). .....basically...mainly my friendships & relationships...i always ( i mean that and everyone who was close to me can confirm) " warn" them about me...i near enough ask....(actually LB put it right out there for me).....
I always say..." i will hurt you"...but it's down to person to see past this and have good time/laughs/joy/ happiness even risking of being hurt at some point.... & it always happens and ....that's all i am able to offer....both sides of my personality.
.
That's it...lighbulb moment kicked in big time....joy & pain - or none of both...your choice.

S x

Hey Sandra , sorry hun tired eyes just posted to you on his own diary , post 440 is meant for you ! x

Hey Sesuo...You may be made of steel but I stand firm as a concrete wall! We have weaknesses when apart but together we are strong 🙂

Hi Sis,

What is a pause in cyber space? An hour? A day? A week? I'm sure I will back writing again but I need a pause for now. I think you are a remarkable individual. You know where to find me. - joanxxx

ODAAT wrote:

Hey Sesuo...You may be made of steel but I stand firm as a concrete wall! We have weaknesses when apart but together we are strong 🙂

Steel and concrete is what im looking at now and quite often one is no good with out the other. So the Sesuo's together can make one long lasting structure.....

Yep...thank you gals and gentlemen ☺

So sat here for two hours..outside, looking at the sun. It's quite peaceful here today.
Thinking about Mummy all this time. ..few peaceful tears rolling down this face also.

Acceptance.

Hmmm..words getting stuck in this throat..i guess pauze needed. Will b back later dear diary

Hi, Sandra,

Glad to see that you are taking better care of yourself today. Am I doing likewise, as you bid me? Don't know, my vice at the moment is surplus weight, I know what to do but I don't do it. I'd really like to think that my surplus weight is all his fault but I've moved past that stage, I wouldn't believe myself.

Keep taking care at your end.

CW

I'm glad you found something useful in my post. Wasn't really expecting it to rings bells with anyone, but hey...what do I know?!

Not related, I know, but I was thinking about my mum at the weekend. Actually, I was talking about her with my friend...about when she tried to take her life and was taken into a psychiatric hospital. I spoke about my pain, anger...how could she do this to me...if she loved me why would she try to leave me? and all that went with that. I was also honest about the shame I felt surrounding her being in "the looney bin" and the horror that I felt when I was having my own issues. It felt that history was repeating itself. My friend of 25 years was amazed. She said I had never told her any of this but it felt totally natural to be talking about it. The shame has gone now. I don't know why I'm telling you this...sorry, just waffling.

Glad your little car's safe!

LB x

Appreciate your support too S, from my day one, you have been there, :)))

But can you please send some of that sunshine to Yorkshire, it's still freezing and dismal up here lol.

Take care and keep safe.

Sxxxxxxx

Thanks for your post. Yes, it was tough at the time. My Mum had quite a severe depression and ending it all seemed to her to be the best way out at the time I guess. In a way, it was the thing that saved her because she got some really good treatment and she went on to have some of the best years of her life after that. I was only young, so visiting her in the hospital was difficult...not so much seeing her, but I found it hard and a bit scary being around the other patients.I don't think mental illness itself is passed on, but I think that some of the patterns and behaviours can be learned by us as children and also we learn to behave and adapt to what we're living with. There's this concept of the good enough parent and I think that if, even if it's through no fault of their own, parents aren't able to fulfill that role then it's likely to have an effect on the children. You sound very accepting and understanding of your Mum which is a good thing for both of you..doesn't mean that you wouldn't wish for things to be different though.

You mentioned shutting down when you were 12. I don't know what happened then, but I don't think it's suprising that you are able to find comfort and support from people outside of your family. Being related to someone can make it harder for them to see things without getting emotionally involved themselves...they can be too close to what's going on...and they will very likely have their own issues that they bring with them. An outsider can be more impartial and less judgemental than a family member...even if it's a family member that we're close to.

You talked recently about hurt, hurts and I get what you said. Hurt people do hurt people...but only because they are hurting inside themselves. It is possible for that to change though. The cycle can be broken...

" joy & pain - or none of both...your choice." The people around you have a choice, but you also have a choice too.

Take care. LB x

Yes! And lucky you for being a safe space for me to venture out to. It's no secret to me that when I'm being ridgid and judgmental that that is all I can see all around me. Maybe I will start singing Amazing Grace... Lol.. Nah! The hand is always out stretched. ((((S)))) joanxxx

I'm glad you dropped by for a good waffle...I'm sorry I haven't replied sooner. Got a lot going on at the moment and I've not been around here much...only coming on here now for a rant!...but I will touch base properly soon (bet that's got you worried!!)

Keep well,

Mrs. L x