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Hiya Sandra,

As with others I just wanted to touch base with you and wish you well.

Am struggling a great deal to write outside of my own diary. I think its just that am too stressed with my own life. But I wanted to say hi.

I think many of us pile the expectations upon ourselves, when all we need to do is take each day as it comes.

take care... S.A 🙂

hopeful soul wrote: Dear diary, A little low post but that's just how i feel...sorry. I was suggested great advice by V and am gonna give it a go. A different place with like minded people (struggling with mental/ emotional state). ..looked it up and already felt at home ☺..even if i cried most of the day, it was so rewarding to even post to few souls and offer understanding ear.. Not sure if i ever mentioned on here before, but i was very close with Samaritans at the start of my journey on here. Calls, emails and even texts...yes...it was tough going but i realy needed someone to listen to me at the time...most importantlu while i went through counselling and opened up for the first time in years. I am into volunteering now...its responsible but rewarding duties but to be fair i am struggling. as i was told before i don't think i am ready to dish out great support and help everyone while i need help myself...and i do need help cause this mindset is not the way to go forward. I remember having great friend from here but friendship sadly reached the point of diverting ways...my heart was in pieces and i am forever greatful to Rachel (dotty) and Shiny for picking my pieces and glueing them bk together.. that was something i couldn't think was possible..thank you ladies xxxx There come a time, where history kind of repeated itself and i was into position of picking someone elses pieces (so i was told..it didn't feel like that at the time..i was only listening and supporting)...we made a great friendship and become "sisters". For some reason i feel like im the one to shatter someone's heart now and leave pieces for someone else to collect. What the hell is wrong with me? I just feel very lonely and insecured. I know people try to help me, yet i still don't think they understand me. I cannot change for someone and be happy if i don't feel like it. I cannot live up to someones expectations. I have a depression...i admit it. Thinking of this all now...gambling is an escape...yes, i found this site because i needed listening ear and share support & feelings with. I got it in buckets..never regrets and thank you all. My problem is lack of connection. Yes, i did develop alcohol problem same as gambling one in the process...i cannot change that. I guess it's just time to move on..not sure if seing people being low and sad will do me good on some days...same as here..talking about gambling triggered me before... But such is life. I cannot dish support on here because i hardly follow my own advice. However, i hope i will be more use to the souls who are struggling with life and depression itself. Helping others somehow magically helps me ☺ Take care all and all the very best in your recoveries. I will touch the base to update on my journey with this particular addiction. For now...gather some dust diary..thank you for the space to put my thoughts down for the past 3 years. Stay happy all...share happiness with the world Sandra x

More so thanks for the post on my diary. big hugs tri x

Thanks for the post, Sandra, Happy Easter and look after yourself.

CW

Dear diary,

No gambling. Good start ☺
Keep observing the site i signed on and even if it still puts shivers down my spine, i keep on reading. How many people with anxiety, insomnia, psychiatric, SH issues are in this country, let alone world is really sobering to witness. Hearing a soul planning a jump off the bridge cause nobody else cares is near enough every day read on that site :-(...sad reality but reality it is. People struggle a lot more in this time and age...somehow, compassion, understanding, listening ear, arm round the shoulder, kind words are slowly dissapearing from society. People are more angry...not sure why...don't know what is so different in this world to make people change like that.
Ok..so only few observations. I do support few people but to be honest struggle to keep up..plus, i have some sort of life of myself here which I'm trying to build up brick by brick....i will get there...most importantly, every soul must know that there are crisis teams or Samaritans at a ready all the time...sadly, when you're in such low mind, you ignore such advices to reach out.
The experience i had over the last week made me to appreciate every day life a little more...just little things and strangely i don't want to waste a second of my day sitting on my b*m b*m and drowning deeper in depression.
So actions comes in place. More concentration at work, extra smiles and listening ear truly helped..felt pretty good yesterday , i can honestly say - 1st day in the last two weeks i didn't feel suicidal. Yes...i didn't share my deep feelings with anyone, mask didn't slip at all...i got better at hiding it all in time...but yesterday something changed (maybe sunshine did the trick?)...i truly felt the determination and eagerness to make change in my life.
Plans don't work out well for me lol..i wanted a getaway this weekend...seaside, different town, different faces....forget the troubles...well, not to be.
But there is always another time for such adventure, i shall keep looking forward to thise days ☺

All is good today. Some changes with volunteering which will be a lot more challenging but the more scared i am, the more my anxiety gets stamped with a heavy foot! Progress ☺

Few urges today and i already know why...my plan of getaway didn't work so why not punish myself instead...ha!!! Crazy tangled mind huh...not today mr G...not today...

Stay safe all & appreciate what you have..it all can change in the blink of the eye...no lip service here - this is life!

S x

I guess i can open up once and for all
And soon i will be putting rest to this all.
Not sure it's the site i can share all i can
However it's my choice to be speaking my mind.
I was thinking recently about past itself
The situs, scenarios the moves i concur.
The most painful thing is not the ones below...
Not "trusty" person i encoutered first of all
Not pain and shame which followed behind
& even not second stone hearted man..
Not 2 other teenagers which only looked for fun....
i guess you all know now where my running comes from.
I also "met" soul who cared about me
So friendly and kind and i couldn't disagree.
Steady and slowly he got me by him
I visit his place so i can feel Me.
How twisted and harmful it all has come out...
Used, abused ...it felt "right" at the time..
The trust i put in been smashed once again
I couldn't believe I'm in the grip of old good pain.
I still want revenge, it's just human thing
But i know too well, there is no justice to be seen.

This doesn't matter - soul been already smashed apart.
The most and most damaging happened at home
Where my loveliest person just happened to ignore.
Where i crawled behind this amazing soul
Begging and pleading to accept me for once.
How much could you do to be loved again?
My question was - why didn't this happen from within?
I tried all i could..i got very close by
But what i have learned broke my heart once again.
Money was main drive for someone who could not earn
....i shall stop right here cause money is f**k ALL.
All i am missing is acceptable for once
But i had to be the one sleeping on kitchen floor..
No...nobody's fault, my sister fell in love
At the age of 16 and seemed to have it all.
What about this lil one staying behind
13..beaten, hurt & robbed from her life.
Nobody seemed to be interested at all
And i truly don't blame them, i didn't need it all.
I only asked for some simple respect
Just face to face chat and peace in everyone's heads.
I happened to get it a couple years on
My sister and her partner decided to move on.
My mummy keeps secret only 3 of us knows
Dad would come full force if knew all this now.
At age of 18 i decide to come here
My loveliest soul gave a little push indeed.
So scary and lonely ..massive place to be...
However deep inside i felt so amazingly free..
Shocking attacks in London been seen
The image will stay with me until i can breathe.
This didn't stop me from searching aheadВ 
Life has been seen in all colours indeed.
Whoever could say i have a stone heart
Maybe i do...i kept falling apart.
The drugs, wrong crowds ...drink came along
But i kept my promise to keep holding on.
Close overdose of nasty stuff woke me up
3 days laid in bed and can't recall a lot.
Remember my Sister being close by
Ushering me to have sip or a bite.
I happened to crawl out of that bad dream
What i didn't know, i will walk to the next thing.
A little argument with now her "man"
Which seen me beaten up to the blue plump.
Not able to walk, let alone breathe...
But dedication for work seen me limping there indeed.
I knew that changes has to be made
I needed to get out of this cycle of pain.
I found safety net - my ex that would be
It didn't matter he is a "lord of the ring"
As long as i felt safe and cared for
I didn't think of the outcome of it all.
Apparently trust got in the way..
Somebody's jealousy has got to his brain.
What was enough for me to cut free
No trust - no relationhip..last word from me.
I have isolated since this nasty time
....and that's where dear slots has come to safe me.
The rest you all know...i lost and lost
I put my own car for sale to get robbed.
Some poor decisions to keep addiction alive
And then the day come - i just cannot go by!

I found this recovery journey at last.
It is no way perfect, i have demons to fight...
And to be honest i have lost count.
But what i am sharing is something so real
I will try to read bk and feel it within.
The simple thing is you have to do so
If not....you will never be able to move on.
The only thing В last on my mind
- no sympathy please, i ask from the heart.
It all might sounded like poor me again,
But remember...i made this far and i still breathe ☺

No gambling.

Sandra....

No sympathy Sandra, just the utmost respect for a young lady trying to make herself whole again.

Please take care of yourself

Cathy

Thats quite a post S.
You do have my sympathy. You also have my respect & admiration for surviving all you have lived through. Its a story of true courage.

Dan x

Hi there lovely brave lady, stay safe and strong, here for you.

xxx

Hey lovley,

You probably won't see this but I'm posting just in case you do....there's no rush to get back to me. You don't have to get back to me at all if you don't feel like going over it. I just wanted to share what I thought.

Hope you're doing ok. You sounded very positive in all those posts you made. Thanks for dropping by.

LB x

Evening diary,

Promised myself not to post on my old good thread unless i lapse..ha...that's why I'm writing probably.

Life has picked up speed i like it or not. Forcing myself to get out, socialise & live human beong should.
Kinda like it and it's all new..busy busy busy with volunteering, picked up a job interview and even managed to get out across the country for some waves...

Not sure what happened and why my mind just switched..mate tried the "soft toy grabber...(minion to b precise)" and my attention got caught by the silly arcade..bahhh..dear oh dear. Didn't loose..well..i think i did but lets say i walked away "in profit"..ha...how bad does that sound is unreal! ..but, maybe i should b proud cause had a lil criticism from mate saying "noooo way...are ya walking away without putting everything back in?"...yup..i walked away...need a pat on the back me thinks 😀 ...crazyГЅyyyyyy.. :-/

That doesn't matter, what matters is that my over the month abstinence is back to zero and i am not sure how my mind with deal with this now!..no urges to log on the sites but we all know how it goes.
I guess i know how it will go..me getting nasty towards myself & hurting others in the process. Unmotivated and depressed ...well, i have always been depressed but learned to live with that "norm".
Worried about pit stops on a way bk (long 6:30hrs treck)..god help me to find the strength and snap outta this mindset.

I am scared again..don't like to be scared! Need to fight, need to stand up for myself, need to stay strong, believe & don't give in!

Deep breath huh..deep breath...

f*****g honesty lol...i could just hide away from you diary, but cmon...who else if not you provide me the space to vent out and find belief in the road ahead!

Thanks...no gambling for the rest of the eve...shi*t...keep on walking alongside the beach...no arcades will give you the same magic of peace...

.

You could scroll through your own posts, find one to someone who's just relapsed or even to someone who's feeling bad and just follow your own advice? Am not being sarcastic, you do give everyone else great advice and you empathise with them. Can you do the same for you?

Thinking of you, Sandra, take care of yourself.

CW

Hi diary,

Well to put few smiles on some faces here ( my own opinion)..i did go on a ongoing bender...booooo.

Just posting to reflect on my active gambler thoughts..it's relieving actually..weird feeling but old good memories coming bk. Same behaviours, mindset. The only positive - I'm not overthinking...I'm not checking this site, I'm not worrying about others and i honesty don't give a s**t lol..yup that's me talking honestly.

Not angry with myself, how can i? I am allowing myself some freedom from mindfook. Loosing - winning..what a hell, it's only money huh.

Spend all 7hrs of volunteering thinking of getting out & logging bk on the site...not much concentration around me - i could b shot dead and not realised that ...ha...what addiction does to you huh.

Anyway..all is good..i might be cocky b****h but for once i don't take it too deep to heart.

Just hope this is a little reminder for the ones who is planning to go down the same road...

All this "freedom" will eventually come to the end and you will end up in a pool of tears...same as i will if i manage to snap outta this funk some time..now is not a time...now...i am taken over.....

Love it - hate it!

Hi Sis,

I get what your saying about logging in on here and having to make a choice to not worry about other folks. You're not a bit *h for looking after yourself. For some of us this journey is like peeling through layers. The gambling is maybe the surface issue. Keep peeling. Keep searching. I'm the ragged clown trailing close behind you. I still believe we're gonna make it. -joanxx

Hey girl,

Thanks for being around. Having a hell of a time today. not the first time. Won't be the last.

Dear diary,

Day 3 and staying grounded cause work stopping me from silly ideas of going bk to self destruction...don't have many urges and looking back at the patterns i seem to have, ..they all build up ..big booommmm...and then I'm ok again :-/...weird for sure..i guess i will be ok for a time being now but it all will build up again. Not sure many would understand but "normal" is not allowed in my mind..i need something bad to happen time to time so i can sulk and fight my way bk up to the living..
Soo...interview was cancelled cause i didn't get my act together in time..yup..slots took my mind off important email exchanges..well..shall keep looking around.

Read SA's post and it send shivers down my spine...living on your own..wow..this is my ultimate dream actually!..but looking at it from other perspective it can be the spiral to self destruction also :-/...all i want is my own place and a puppy..ha...this gal don't need a lot..but what I'm shi*t scared of is that consuming loneliness i might have. I do love my own space, but sharing house with a friend (even if this friendship is bullying and racist at the times) is better than on my own. Really have to think hard on this one...trying not to look too far in future..after all, today matters the most! & today i will go bk to work, stand tall, soak all the bolloc*king i fully deserve from last night's fiasco and try my best to fulfil the role again..another chance let's say ☺

Had an interesting / disturbing dream yesterday morning. Biggest bully from school looked me in the eye and we actually spoke like two grown up ppl..it was so real and even if i don't know how it would b in real life but i guess maturity comes in time and people does change..at least i shall think that.

Low post, but had to put thoughts in transition..maybe it doesn't mean a lot for you who read this, for me...it's another stepping stone in finding what I'm looking for and expecting from myself.

Fighting depression and negativity day in day out. Coming to terms of my recent actions, weighing my options and putting another piece of puzzle to my life.

" accept yourself for who you are, life is too short for picking those not so perfect scabs you wearing".

No gambling.