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Hi Sandra,

Thank you for your recent post on my diary, I was sad to see that I'm not the only one who isn't exactly hitting the heights of success in my journey. but I'm back on the path with you. I will drop you a text soon, but not at this time of night - hopefully you'll be asleep and catching those good zzz's. The dream of your own place and a puppy is a good one, I think I probably share it, though I know my current job will never be suitable for having a dog.

Anyway, hope that you coming off the tablets has started to settle down. It sounds like you've been going through a tough period at the moment, but will drop you a text tomorrow. I'm sorry I dropped off the radar...but when i stray from the path i tend to do it flying solo.

Ryan xxx

Hey all,

Thanks for giving me time to reflect on my posts b4 i post them ☺. I guess i need some moderation, posts...thoughts..life. anyway, just wanted to thank you and apologise for my recent behaviour. If you're editing this, feel free to delete this first paragraph..it was just personal thank you for your team.

Dear diary,

Not sure where to start...very surprised cause was going through my thoughts all afternoon..had conversation with myself and actually made sense but now I'm here and trying to voice myself it's hard.
Wanted to apologise about my recent behaviour. I didn't know it was possible but i rewinded myself bk to being 15yrs old..proper nasty person who was mean to many people...self defense or not..i was a bad person. I haven't changed that's for sure, all i did was moderated myself, kept quiet when i needed to but unfortunately let it to build up and massive disaster followed as many of you know. No excuses, this behaviour is not acceptable at any given time...still learning how to turn the other cheek if one gets punched...

So..gonna update this diary occasionally. It's hard to leave home but i deserve this punishment and know that in time i will forgive myself ...day at a time...time heals everything.

So, i have put my day counter bk up. It means a lot this time because it's not only for the last bet i had but also the last drink i have consumed..hmm..thinking of that, i still haven't self excluded nor poured the remaining of the drink in the sink..what am i waiting for? Not even sure myself..i will do both shortly i suppose.
Walked through the AA door the other day. Absolutely amazing medicine! So so magic and strong. Was hit by tonne of bricks..so much realisation and most importantly - your thoughts being voiced by others in the room..word in word, feelings, reactions, behaviour....outcome. there are no leaders..we're all the same...really looking forward for the next meeting..i am desperate to follow the steps..really need to start healing myself again.. accept myself for who i am, built on the road ahead...forgive.. ohhh..forgiveness huh...that step will be a challenge. I broke down when the conversation went about it and even had to leave the room...i shall get my strength bk and stay around throughout next time..
Not much about gambling huh..maybe cause alcohol is related a lot with my gambling and other behaviours i have...they go hand in hand...saying that...dear Dan, if you read this - i shall visit your GA room some time this summer! (If ya don't mind & are not scared of me :-P).

Diary...this post is nothing what i planned to say..decided not to dig deep in the process of writing this .

I shall say this: 4 days ago i accepted that my soul has been sold to addictions & i decided to give my body away to them also.....but i don't even know how to explain this..i was offered a hand (or spiky cactus 😉 ) and very steadily & gently dragged bk to living. ..2 days ago - i found the belief and hope again...simply because life can be very good and peaceful place to be if we let it..it's in us, ..we can make a change for the better, we must not give up..ever!
I cannot do it by myself. I need my friends around me, fellow soldiers, fellow human beings who understands. With the help of clarity, acceptance, serenity and purpose in life we can get over anything in our paths..
I also need a higher power and thankfully now i know where i can find it....alongside with HALT (understanding of my triggers)

Thank you for reading.

Ohhh...and CW...was thinking to post you personally but have no balls lol... thank you for being you! Xx

OMAAT/ODAAT...stay safe all and believe..get in touch with yourselves again..it's never to late and worth more than you could imagine!

Aww Man, why did you send tt round to me?!? It may have not been what you set out to post my dear Sesuo but it was very much something I am most grateful to hear 🙂

You deserve so much more than you have been through & continue to put yourself through...I can't begin to tell you what those words mean (& just in case, I checked with Admin, they're all yours (I didn't really but you know I would)) to me!

I'm proud to be standing in your Army - ODAAT

Hey lovely, I can't tell you how much it meant to read those words of yours. You took a big step...a brave step that not many people have the courage to take...and you did it. I'm glad you found belief and hope. It doesn't matter if it's AA or GA or any other A...I'm sure the underlying message is the same and will help you with both addictions. As you say, they go hand in hand anyway. And to say you're looking forward to the next meeting is really something. Looks like you've found a place to call home. You've got a bright future ahead...now that you're willing to take it.

Happy days. LB x

It takes guts walking over that threshold be it AA or GA. Shows acceptance and a willingness to change.

If your willing to let recovery in your in the right place *** hold of it with both hands soak up all the advice and support and apply the same principles of AA to your gambling and it benifit you.

Like you say you might take in a GA meeting in the future.

KTF

I'd love to know why Gras P is considered inappropriate so let's try grab it with both hands.

Hi Sandra,

Glad to read you are in a better place than you were last week...wish I had that strength to go to a r/l meeting...but I doubt it. Healing has to come from the inside, wish I knew how to figure that one out...but you have the heart to recover, I know you do.

Ryan xxx

Thank you all,

Dear diary,

Second meeting went great & i even shared my own story.
I was a little worried cause the buzz i had from the first meeting slightly weared off during the week and i wasn't sure i wanted to go today...so glad i did!. I learned it's nothing wrong to feel this way it takes time like everything in life.
First meeting i was in denial and if not dear Sesuo i wouldn't of made it :-(..heavy artillery huh..we do need those sometimes ☺
This meeting i attended by myself..new place, new faces...however - same emotions and feelings! Something so magic in the air i cannot explain it!
Gambling thoughts are far far away..drink urges are still lingering around but it's in my power to stop myself in those tracks. It's still very early days, but this time something is different..cannot pin point what, maybe cause I'm finally trying different approach.
Strangely i cannot say i will never have a drink/gamble again...but there is that peaceful thought of i don't need to look that far ahead. Today counts the most. These words has so big meaning now - just for today!

I am actually ok..some troubles at work which can be sorted. Not self pittying about loneliness...ha...nobody stops me from getting out there, not beating myself up for slow growing (or not at all some months) savings fund for my own place...i will get there in due course.

Wow...it took me 17 years to realise that i cannot run from myself...that addictions is not making things easier and better..it's quite opposite - they have slowly killed me from the inside every single day..
I just care about this girl & i know that she can have a life she wanted to live and fully deserves to from very beginning...& i will do everything i can, to heal the wounds and built on the platform i just happened to find on my way.

Thank you all so much for being here. Every single one of you have contributed in me being here today and having this mindset i never thought is possible to have.. i mean it...all good /bad / ugly has worked it's magic here and now.
I am also sorry for my behaviour. I know words cannot change the past - but please accept my sincere apologies the ones who i hurt deeply.

Take care all and take it nice & slowly - one day at a time

S x

hopeful soul wrote: Thank you all, Dear diary, Second meeting went great & i even shared my own story. I was a little worried cause the buzz i had from the first meeting slightly weared off during the week and i wasn't sure i wanted to go today...so glad i did!. I learned it's nothing wrong to feel this way it takes time like everything in life. First meeting i was in denial and if not dear Sesuo i wouldn't of made it :-(..heavy artillery huh..we do need those sometimes ☺ This meeting i attended by myself..new place, new faces...however - same emotions and feelings! Something so magic in the air i cannot explain it! Gambling thoughts are far far away..drink urges are still lingering around but it's in my power to stop myself in those tracks. It's still very early days, but this time something is different..cannot pin point what, maybe cause I'm finally trying different approach. Strangely i cannot say i will never have a drink/gamble again...but there is that peaceful thought of i don't need to look that far ahead. Today counts the most. These words has so big meaning now - just for today! I am actually ok..some troubles at work which can be sorted. Not self pittying about loneliness...ha...nobody stops me from getting out there, not beating myself up for slow growing (or not at all some months) savings fund for my own place...i will get there in due course. Wow...it took me 17 years to realise that i cannot run from myself...that addictions is not making things easier and better..it's quite opposite - they have slowly killed me from the inside every single day.. I just care about this girl & i know that she can have a life she wanted to live and fully deserves to from very beginning...& i will do everything i can, to heal the wounds and built on the platform i just happened to find on my way. Thank you all so much for being here. Every single one of you have contributed in me being here today and having this mindset i never thought is possible to have.. i mean it...all good /bad / ugly has worked it's magic here and now. I am also sorry for my behaviour. I know words cannot change the past - but please accept my sincere apologies the ones who i hurt deeply. Take care all and take it nice & slowly - one day at a time S x

Hi Sandra, recovery can be incredibly difficult but i'm so proud that you're making steps that seem to be making a difference for your life. Keep going to the meetings and supporting other members on here through their diaries. Its so inspiring. Keep up the hard work. Tri x

I can't even begin to tell you how pleased I was to read your post. I really am incredibly proud of you! You're walking the walk :)Thank you for sharing your troubles and your triumphs along the way. I know that it hasn't been an easy road to travel and at times you might have fallen into a ditch or two, but with your ever trusty Seuso at your side you now seem to be on the right path. I'm made up for you...your post has brightened my day. Recovery really is possible!

So, by way of celebration, I'm going to unwrap a Galaxy and eat it in your honour!

LB x

Hi, Sandra,

I'm so glad things are looking up for you. But it's not passive, is it, things are looking up for you because you're going to meetings. Good for you.

Take care, keep on looking after yourself.

CW

Hi Sandra , I'm really pleased and happy for you that youv'e found some inspiration to move forward in a positive way , I'd also like to send you my deepest apologies for the way I reacted the last time we spoke , it really wasn't for me to get involved and I deeply regret doing so .

Wishing you all the best for your contiunued success .

Alan

Coo Cooooo, you just put a big smile on my face, I knew it would start to turn out nice again very soon:)))

Soo very proud of you little friend for going to those (what must have been) daunting to start with meetings, I know what a struggle you had being in the dark (only for a short time thank goodness) but you have come back again fighting, You are a fighter and you are stronger than you think, and even more important, you ARE definitely worth it, you worked this out yourself, (which we have to do sooner or later)

No miracles, no quick fixes, just one day at a time, and that Sandra is what I am proud of you for, because you have now realised that.:)) you have been telling me that for 2 years lol, and really happy that you are now telling it to yourself.

Take it easy, and be proud of yourself,

Sxxxxxxxxxx

Thank you all for your kind words ☺..i don't think i deserve any praise cause i am just doing the things i have waffled on about for 3 years lol. I have found (pls God let me stick to it) the way what works for me..something i feared all my life (socialising) is actually giving me the biggest peace and hope for recovery. I come to a head with the worst enemy & i finally feel like i have equal strength to fight for my life. I remember Tomso, who tried every way possible to get his addiction under control...but only succeeded (& am sure following the same path) after walking through the door...it says something huh..

Alan - thank you for your post. Didn't realise you got your diary taken off..shame, it was full of wisdom and laughs (i just started to get lol..me is nooo Eeenglish so ya know, takes time 😉
No apologies needed at all..you did what your instinct told you to do initially. I would be exactly the same..saying that, i was few times over my 3 years on here...i just don't think i ever flipped over this way before and feel v bad about it...not acceptable at any given time & i take full responsibility of my actions. I have learned in my rooms that i not only need to learn to listen but also hear what i say..i shall take it as huge lesson going forward. ..hope you're well..and d**n man - high five for sure!!!!! ☺..keep it up

HL - thank you...please feel free to get ur frustrations out on here ☺..perfect thread for those huh 😉
Thank you for your kind words.

I shall get bk to you all soon enough - work is calling ☺

S x

Strange places them rooms hard to explain but they just seem to work. Well they do for me

KTF JFT