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Hey lovely, another powerful post from you. You're always so honest, and I admire that. I can understand that change and accepting those new feelings and thoughts is scary but it will all be ok given time. It took many years to develop the old thoughts so it's not suprising that it'll take some time to adjust to these. I think Freda said recently on her diary...it takes as long as it takes. Someone told me they thought I was like a butterfly emerging from it's cocoon into a new, better, more fulfilled life and I'm thinking that about you now....not suprising if you come out blinking at the light and a bit scared by it all. (Am I getting too mushy?...sorry.

You got me thinking about fate and chance. If you hadn't been on here, if you hadn't kept coming back, then you wouldn't have met Seuso and all the other people who have helped you. Isn't it funny how things work out? A different turn in the road, a different decision made along the way and who knows. I'm glad you're here. Seeing you keeping on, trying different ways and not giving up has helped me get back up when I've fallen, so thanks for sharing it. Warts and all. LB x

Bahhh..Amom, you should start a diary ☺..never pressure but every time i see your inspiring thoughs i want to come over and thank you for them..just don't know where to find you :-(..thank you for your post. 2 coffees is not a meat feat, i had 3 while typing it all and then had to do somersaults to get to work in time :-)..still, i am glad i put my thoughts down ☺. I hope your son is doing well and reaping the benefits of life without this nasty addiction! I am sure he will get "there" and with your unconditional support the journey will only get easier ☺.

Julie, thanks for your wishes. I dont really know how to respond. I wish all the best to your journey in 3D and hope you and Bob will be completely free from these chains addiction so easily dishes out :-)..keep doing what is working for you & as you know, GC door is always open, it's up to you to come bk and stay if you find it helpful.

Diary - all is good inda hood & still enjoying my day (Uuunnnbelievable!!!!! ☺)

Diary!

Well, what a week it has been! On the go near enough 24/7 and when yesterday came and i supposed to go out for my vollunteering, my body simply shut down :-0 ..man, i went into coma after work and no such good deeds was accomplished.
Hit complete low on Sunday night and manager didn't really do me much favours by putting me on the pedestal (which i really hate).
But that's done and dusted and another day is here! Not sure how i navigated yesterday but i sure managed to stay safe from mr G...although, i had a sneaky glass with mr A.
As they say, new day - new beginnings! Besides i think i need to make that step through GA door so i keep the current mindset going.
Stepped over the threshold of 30's and even had a laugh at getting "tenna lady pants" (cannot dismiss the upcoming years) & of course tried them on but no damage with embarrasing social media pics taken i accept that accidens might happen with age. (Truly mate just got her own back for me dishing out a zimmer frame for her lol) Looked in a mirror this morning and no extra aging wrinkles on this mug :-D..except massive unexpected spot near enough the size of my head!..oohhhh happy days!

Another day off and i will mk sure i make the most out of it! Car hovered and tidied up, trainers waiting to be used and a little journey to the seaside is lined up for later on. Sun is shining and birds are singing (let them off this time cause I'm not asleep :-P)
Life is not perfect but just manageable, i only need to keep making the right choices going forward...it was hell on earth year with me going down under more than swimming with the emotions but hay - I'm here, alive, healthy, (not wealthy lol), & embracing my days!.yup..today i lovvvveee life!
3 weeks gamble free - i shall take it! ☺

Today i feel in control and will not be gambling one penny because i am willing to start a new chapter in my life. (The girl who said it thousand times before lol)

Have a good day all and enjoy whatever you do - life is for living ☺

S x

Update diary!

Don't think i will sleep until i put this down lol..addicts mind huh

Lovely day but a lil blip on the road was picked up too. Boo!! Tenner spent and nothing else. Thinking now that all this 100% journey is not for me. I probs turn to mr Capt and count my (non)gambling days on online slots only. They seem to do the biggest damage.
Not justifying gambling but I'm not 100% commited cause do get a scratchcard occasionally anyway.

On other note - no drink, no downhill with slots and most importantly no beating myself ip. It is what it is.

I had a lovely run in the sun, all mighty dinner near the seaside, good laugh & company and quiet evening in.

Work lined up soon, then vollunteering and taking lil boy out on the weekend also ☺

Sounds good to me...or is it addicts mind lol

I MUST look at brighter side of the coin. We all seem to talk about money on here. Well on that perspective I'm good & if keep gambling minimal (not justifying myself, just saying i cannot do it 100%) i should get a lil pad for myself by the end of the year ☺. Gotta keep working at it and save save save!

Hope i can sleep now! Honesty done

Thanks for your honesty Sandra.

It's just a tenner but that tenner keeps those embers burning eventually if you don't keep an eye on those embers they will eventually start a raging fire that you can't control. Imagine you won a thousand on that scratch card would that lead to more scratch cards or a deposit on the slots?Maybe I don't know, maybe you'd walk away buy some new running trainers or book a great weekend away

I don't know your preferred drink but let's say its vodka as a alcoholic would it be wise to have a few beers or a bottle of wine after all they aren't your problem drink

I'm not wanting to have a go I'm just being honest like you.

KTF

Thanks Martin,

I know what you're saying and get your drift. However, recovery is not possible for everyone and i have to accept that "holding on 100%" doesn't work for me. Same with the meetings, i just cannot commit to them.
Yes, i have addiction and yes, as you say I'm stinking alcoholic. I'm not replacing drink to less harmful one. I know that drink is drink.
I have been here for 3 years. I did progressed in that time and i shall take positive here; site is great and really helpful.

I guess i just need to move on cause i know that this approach wont go down well lol...but it is my approach.

Wouldn't it be nice to log in ..let's say a year later and report good news on my life... i think i shall make a change here and now.

I cannot think of gambling or worry about other's journeys daily. Time to climb on life myself.
This site is kind of strict the same as the approach of meetings. I don't like to be handcuffed and get my views limited.

Sorry if this sounds low but that's what I'm thinking...maybe "stinking thinking" but here we go.

Challenge for myself - moving on & hopefully will report bk with few achievements accomplished ☺

Take care all, keep winning. Put your all to recoveries, ..i heard it helps ☺

Sandra over and out!

Thats a very self pitying post Sandra.Im sure you have previously tried controlled gambling/drinking & the results of that didnt turn out too great. You seem to be under the impression that this is harder for you than anyone else. It isnt. When you talk about AA/GA being strict. How would you know? You went to a few meetings. Gave up because it got difficult & ran away. Notice any patterns forming? GA/AA is the least strict programme imaginable as you would have learnt if you had given it a chance. It is a programme that says you can choose to do this, that or the other or not. It says you can choose to believe this or not. Its your choice. Only requirement to attend is a desire to stop. What is it going to take before you take responsibility for your own life. No one is going to fix this for you however much you keep pinning your hopes that someone/something will make it all right. Recovery doesnt appear with angels & trumpets. It comes from within quietly & slowly. Its born out of honesty, connection to self, commitment to change & bl oody hard work. I want to shake you i really do. You get to the precipise & i think maybe this time she will take the chance to fly. But everytime you pull back. Your fear of creating something new overiding your desire to stay numb. Recovery is within us all. Some choose to ignore their opportunity to grow. Some choose to carry on living in the comfort of addiction. I pass no judgement as I have been guilty of both. I thought I had no choice or options. You, from being on here do know you have options. Youre just choosing to ignore them or even try them for a decent period of time. Gamble or dont gamble. Drink or dont drink. I understand both paths. It doesnt make any difference to mine or many others lives which path you choose. But im pretty sure it will make a difference to yours

Hi Sandra

Thanks for your honesty. Its one of the character traits I value the most. Looking at my own recovery I try my best today given the information and knowledge I am aware of. Did I do things the same 5 years ago? No, with time I have hopefully learnt new positive strategies and ways of being. The danger of course is understanding not all those will be good. That's why I have to keep learning because like a computer its so easy to pick up bugs and program errors.

Keep trying your best and never forget your not alone in this journey. From the clumped together support that is gamcare 🙂 Tri x

Jeez dont send me a postcard. That suggests you know my address! Scary indeed. Look you know im fond of you. I didnt say you were full of bull. I said that last post was. You are usually honest which is why i like you & that post wasnt. It was full of justifications & excuses. It was normalizing & rationalizing your addictions. As i said previously you have a missconception that recovery will arrive with angels & trumpets as most do. Do you think I was hopping along with bunnies in flowering meadows after attending a few meetings. I bl oody hated it. But i stuck with it because i accepted my way of thinking was what got me in this mess to start with. Commit wholeheartedly & with courage & the rewards are there. If you give up everytime it gets tough. Then sorry to say recovery is maybe not for you. I think you have it in you. Just wish you did x

Hey, S x x

Great to read you listening to your own inner voice and guidance as to what is right for you and what is not. Sometimes we are in denial and making excuses so it's handy to have people play devils advocate and say "are you sure this is not denial?" or whatever. It's always handy to be reminded to check ourselves. If once we double-check we still think "No, this is still not the right way for me" we can go ahead confident that we are doing the right thing - hooray!

I don't focus on 100% abstinence either which is a controversial approach in recovery circles. I get why. It makes others' little voices pipe up and ask themselves "maybe I could do that too?" It kind of is a bad influence to some. For me, I understand the holistic nature of addiction. We never get it right 100% of the time. Even the 100%ers will give in to their pain and escape it with a biscuit, some s*x, a new handbag, a drink of beer, even hiding under the duvet - whatever works to take the edge off. I a focusing on facing my pain and letting myself feel it whenever possible. The more I do this the less I will need anything to dull it. Once you stop running away it may get more painful for a while but you are shrinking addiction every time you FEEL.

Anyway, you're doing great.

f x

Hey Freda,

Thanks for the drop by, always appreciated!
This last post of mine was full of mess in my head. A reaction after lil relapse, i guess you understand what goes through the mind at those times.
I'm not trying to moderate my addictions and i definitely not justifying a "tenner".... No, i am still fully in trying to put a lid to them..so far, so good..I'm not running away - i FEEL as you say. It's harder and a lot more painful but the right thing to do ☺

Didn't have too good week. Dark cloud kind of back on me and i hurt. Yes, just hurt cause i feel lost. I guess it's a lot to do with recent changes in this country...but, some things are here for a reason...i guess me, as many people are fearful of the unknown..no stability..hard emotion to handle for sure.

Anyway...breathing. have put myself on the edge with my daily life. I have to admit that I'm not made of steel and need my r&r. I go about sleep walking recently and it really affects me. Brings depression on. I booked tommorow off so i have some time for myself. Just to reflect on my routine a little..i simply cannot carry on the way i am now..it's too much.

I did opened up to my sister the other day that i had quite scary dip with emotions the other day. She told me i need rest and pace myself out a little. ..which is very helpful words....yet...what does she do? She goes and tells parents about it... so i wake up at 10am to missed call from Dad today. Reacting quickly as i always do in case some emergency happened and ring back. They're worried :-/...since I'm just after the nigh shift and hardly closed my eyes, i can't mutter a word out..i don't know if many understands this feeling "post nighshift"..it's like talking drunk, head swimming, nothing makes sense and you cannot focus on conversation. My Dad understand..number of times i rang him and thought he is drunk or on loads of medication...but soon recognised that he is after 24hrs shift... i do hope he understands me and that today was just a conversation with a wall as i say...I'm exhausted.

Even this doesn't make sense lol. All is ok and all will be ok. I am not gambling nor drinking. I am not taking my 3D medicine either, but i am sitting with my feelings. I'm still here and that must work...they do pass..

I guess enough rambling. Back to the grind me thinks. I can do it, r&r just round the corner..i will make it, i will survive, i will sleeeeeep eventually.

Thank you Freda, thank you Rach , Shiny, Soulie, SA and Sesuo. Thank you all so much for listening and understanding my pain.

Love, hugs all

Keep on winning and keep abstaining..life is yours..keep making the right choice!

Ps. 90 days challenge is well and truly on the way. All are welcome, together we stand - together we are an army against this nasty addiction!

Peace out - S xx

Happy Sunday diary!

No gambling, drinking or sleep to report lol. Still up & running but feel a lot better. I reckon there is a thin line between tired & overtired. I think i crossed it lol. Feel quite good and wide awake...(unless someone slipped something in my coffee tonight)
Had a lil shock at work where few ops lost their cool and sent chairs flying in a canteen :-/...yup.."serious" gamblers huh. Was about to go and calm them down when one reported with heavy heart that he has lost all his wage....aha...reminder for myself there..addiction takes everything away & you become a animal not seeing anything around you...yet, you soon change into poor puppy eyes and expect "poor me fella, somebody cover my losses or get me a drink from the vend". I've seen plenty of such behaviour recently, since Euro started actually...sad reality of addiction.

All the drama was over pretty quick and feel for him in a way...i know what he is going through.

Soooo..back home and walked into something what looked like a war zone. Few glasses smashed up, kitchen in the mess etc...hmmmm..somebody had a good night last night huh. Ouch...hope no headache today!

So that's my lil update diary. Feeling ok. Just finished some admin work which i put off for far too long...another cuppa of Joe on the menu (must be 12 lol..but God bless McDonald's!), quick shower and time to hit the road Jack! Road trip well & truly lined up today.

Sun is shining, day off - freedom is mine.

No gambling on the agenda...one day at a time!

Take care all & have a lovely and peaceful day.

S x

Hiya Coo coo

Sorry I'm late getting back to you but you've prob worked out that I'm in deep again....lower than a snakes belly,

My big mistake was leaving the safety of the forum and going it alone, when I had the support of you, Junie, Suzzane, Ade , Duncs and others l had well over a year of freedom from the pain and anguish gambling does to my life, I felt great, loved life, looked forward to each day with sense of optimism, I truly felt I had this gambling lark licked :-/ ....l now realise that the success I had in all that gamble free period was not down to me but down to others, the very people who suffer the same addiction as me and have done so well....I want to be back where I was 🙂

I'm committed..I'm never going back to that hell hole of destruction again...I'm "licking my wounds" today for the very last time, I'm gonna take a leaf from your book and go in search of that sunrise 🙂 ..I sure do need some of Sandra's "bounce back ability" ;-))

Now I've posted I feel safe already...as you say Coo Coo "it is what it is"

Catch ya later Sandra thanks as always for your undying support...OAU..Ginger x

Sandra

Thanks so much for your words...your last paragraph smacked me right between the eyes...so much so I've put it on my profile to remind me ...I shall make it my mantra 🙂

Ginge x

Hey lovely, thanks for the ramble. Good to see you around the place. You sound like you're doing ok...I hope all's well behind the scenes. The walking thing has been really good for me and I look forward to each each week now. I started it with two friends but only one of them is still coming (the only one did her knee in.Oops!). Suggesting it was one of those take a chance moments. I literally had to pluck up courage...we didn't really know each other that well, and def not in a meeting up every week type of way...but I just decided to ask and see what happened. They both said yes, and here we are all this time later (I think its about 18 months now) and we've really got to know each other well. Why don't you and your arcade loving friend do something else? It's not inevitable that you end up in there. There are loads of other things you could do together (walking for a start!)...and that would give a chance for a deeper connection to develop. Not much connection can be made in an arcade and obviously it doesn't really do you any favours when you're trying to stop gambling. Why not take a risk? Suggest something different?

Anyhoo. I'll be checking in tomorrow for your 90 day challenge 🙂 Stay safe. LBx