...

Hi S

You wrote "only you can find what you have lost in the process of blindness, and it's all still there ...within you"

Soooo very true Sandra...the ability for me to have a lovely care free life is all down to ME...all my shortcomings are down to me 🙁 all the stress, grief and anxiety is all self inflicted,....when everything's going great in my world I then f#ck it all up by gambling ...I must learn breeze along in life instead of chasing that gambling high.....that's the key to my problem...at the moment my losses are raw so I'm "breezing" along with no desire to gamble and that's because I'm depressed about my losses, the secret to me remaining safe from future falls is maintaining this "breezing" approach to life when the depressive fog has lifted ;-)....i am sure i will overcome this with this attitude change...no more putting obstacles in Gingers recovery path from now on 😉

I'm keeping the faith as always....thanks Coo Coo...OAU..Ginge x

hopeful soul wrote: Happy Sunday diary! No gambling, drinking or sleep to report lol. Still up & running but feel a lot better. I reckon there is a thin line between tired & overtired. I think i crossed it lol. Feel quite good and wide awake...(unless someone slipped something in my coffee tonight) Had a lil shock at work where few ops lost their cool and sent chairs flying in a canteen :-/...yup.."serious" gamblers huh. Was about to go and calm them down when one reported with heavy heart that he has lost all his wage....aha...reminder for myself there..addiction takes everything away & you become a animal not seeing anything around you...yet, you soon change into poor puppy eyes and expect "poor me fella, somebody cover my losses or get me a drink from the vend". I've seen plenty of such behaviour recently, since Euro started actually...sad reality of addiction. All the drama was over pretty quick and feel for him in a way...i know what he is going through. Soooo..back home and walked into something what looked like a war zone. Few glasses smashed up, kitchen in the mess etc...hmmmm..somebody had a good night last night huh. Ouch...hope no headache today! So that's my lil update diary. Feeling ok. Just finished some admin work which i put off for far too long...another cuppa of Joe on the menu (must be 12 lol..but God bless McDonald's!), quick shower and time to hit the road Jack! Road trip well & truly lined up today. Sun is shining, day off - freedom is mine. No gambling on the agenda...one day at a time! Take care all & have a lovely and peaceful day. S x

Keep working on that recovery. 90 day challenge tomorrow. thanks Tri

Blimey S ...you've sure been busy :-)) ...you spoke of wanting to do some form of volunteering when I was around, great to see you're up and running with it, and it's helping you too, that's nice to hear S, ...and staying off the drink if you think you are indulging a little too much can only be a good thing :-)...I like a drink but thankfully I can do sobriety at any time for any period..wish I could do the same with betting :-/ ..I'm also a year older Coo Coo, but sadly none the wiser..what is the point of getting older if we don't get wiser ;-)) ...don't forget if you get that knock on the door ..."I speak no ennnnglish"

KTF..OAU..Ginger x

Hi Sandra

I wouldn't be being honest with myself if I didn't admit that every time I succumb to gambling it takes a little piece of my soul ..but we know its renewable yeah, with the passage of time and the right lifestyle choices I'll restore and repair :-)...the fog is lifting slowly but surely thanks Coo Coo..blocks are in place now, why they never were considering I've been a Gamcarer since April 2011 is a disgrace tbh, I have no excuses .

I'm allowing myself to be negative for today only..from tomorrow its positivity all the way 😉

Keep flying high Sandra..OAU..the Ginger 1 x

Hi Sandra thanks for the advice. Just one of those down days but they happen to all us is from time to time. We should learn from the past not try to relive it.

Hope all is well with you!

Hi Sandra

I prefer my feet firmly on the ground too 😉 ...counselling ?..when I'm in the throes of a gambling meltdown I do feel I'm in need of professional help, but for now?...I'll try one last push at doing this for "myself" ...I owe it to myself to fix ME, I know I can right my wrongs with a bit more self discipline and determination. if I should fall, stumble or falter in any way I will seek counselling without hesitation...I'm seeking redemption and I'm 100% committed to achieving it, I've certainly got support, now it's down to me to deliver 😉 I can't make anymore excuses Sandra... I've run out :-((

Thanks and kudos to you Coo Coo for your help, honesty and nagging lol ;-)) ....and it's yes please from me if there's cake on offer..especially Ginger.

Have a smashing weekend S..Ginge x

Hiya Coo Coo.....thanks for the post, I'm not around too much either ..but I shall poke my head round the door to keep myself "grounded"...i had a lovely weekend thanks Sandra ..hopefully you too ;-)..I've been taking stock of all that's good in my life and batting away all that's [email protected]'ve realised that unhappiness doesn't come looking for me ... I go searching for IT, so from now I'm taking a new approach to life...when s#it happens , which it does to us all 🙁 I must learn to get on with it instead of trying to change my mood by trying to gamble my blues away..that always ends in tears :-((

Hope you're still doing well on the sobriety front 😉 ....and I haven't heard you mention your running..hope you're still getting those trainers on and putting those miles in 😉 ..have a lovely, carefree, safe week Sandra.

Hopefull and humble...Ginger x

Morning,

Sorry to hear of the lapse. Suggest that you use the support, determination and lack of excuses to go to counselling and/or meetings as Sandra suggests. Of course the addiction will tell you to go it alone but presumably you can recognise when it's telling you sweet nothings by now. Even when the sweet nothings are sweet, you must know that they're artificial sweeteners and very much nothing. Even if you don't want to know that.

Counselling's no sinecure, you'll hear what you don't want to and dig where you don't want to. I've staggered out of sessions in a bad way, but no pain, no gain. It's pain with a purpose. Realistically, what's the alternative? More of the same?

Recovery isn't just about being gf. It's about looking at what betting gives you and why you have that need, straightening out the addict thinking, reestablishing connections in real life with the people around you. Living again.

It's worth going for but only you can go for it.

BW,

CW

Hi CW, not sure who you posted this for...either way i took a lot out of your thoughts too ☺ thank you for the reminder.

Diary,

One of them dreading days with a gut feeling that something i said/ did has upset someone. The fear of god knows what...just that unpleasant feeling..Overthinking. Thoughts never takes me to the safe place. ..they seem to bring pain.

All is not so well in my world as much as I'm trying to keep that mask on. I still hurt people around me. I hate doing that but pain is so in bedded within me i guess i don't realise when i start dishing it out around me.
I just feel trapped. I bang about acceptance of myself but i cannot do it. How can expect others accept me for who i am if i so struggle to do it myself?. Why should they...
Wrote number of apology emails to folks ( i was in the wrong or not) but they all sit in my drafts...bahhhh..extra pressure on myself i suppose...whimp lol.

I guess i am one of those people who overreacts on situations. Good or bad - i take it out of proportion. I watched myself at work last night & how me & my colleague reacts to unexpected f**k ups there..man..i blow the lid and even steam starts coming from my ears where he just swears under his breath and carries on. Why i take it all so personally?..lol..thinking now, my colleague hardly gives a S***e about what's going on...or...again, it's me overreacting and i should tk things on a lil calmer ..not sure tbh.. fact is that he has a magic of dishing calm out when I'm around. He will always listen to my rambles...but soon spum round and say "aaannyyywwaayyyy"""..lol...bless his heart! Even typing this now has started to put me at ease..it's only work..yes, demanding and pressurising but it's only work.

Have few worries on my mind. Also v mad at myself cause feel weak..very weak recently & even if i climbed on the trees like monkey on Sunday (nephew seemed to have great time laughing at me) i guess i need to start accepting that my jet powet is well & truly slowing down..I'm not as fit as before...cannot manage to go for my runs which i used to even b4 work..
I truly know how much excercise can help but now i feel a long way from even starting it. I am not eating either...just one of those bone bags i think. Have i made myself sick? Looking at this logically, i shouldn't b running on duracell batteries...know ur limits huh..

Im starting to get used to the thought of first property purchase later on this year. Such a pressure already even looking at places. Feeling bad that so many people struggle to get ends meet and here is me thinking of getting a mortgage for my own lil pad :-(...I'm sorry all...it's just the chapter I've been waiting for for so long...there is also a dread coming over me of what's gonna happen then...i remember V struggling in new surroundings..i guess not all roses living on ur own, different town, new job...i am striving for all these - transfer to other town and new place i can call home...away from the only family member here - sister..am i strong enough? Will i keep safe and continue of making the right choices?...so much on my mind it's crazy!

Last but not least worry....upcoming holiday. Oh man...an amazing opportunity to hug my parents, spend time with them, show love and care in 3d...who would b scared of that? ..it's insane to dread this isn't it? ..yet, i know that along good times there is gonna b some demons hiding around and i will have to get all the strength i have to block them and fight hard...

It's my life...I'm damaged but I'm here and not giving up on myself!..not yet..it's not to late to put things right for me & others around me.

No gambling. Time to go to so some work!

Man..what a download, thank you diary..it's good to talk ☺

S x

Hey Sandra ...you're so similar to myself ...make mountains out of mole hills that's Ginge..I always blow everything way out of proportion ..and worry, worry, worry about if buts and maybes. I worry bout things in my control or out of my control, and when everything's hunky dory in my world I have to go search for something to worry about :-/

the most annoying thing that's recently checked into my life is indecision...shall I do this? or what if do this instead? And whichever I choose I then convince myself I made the wrong choice 🙂 ...I never used to be like this and it's so f*****g annoying ...rang dentist on Monday for my 6 monthly check "hi can I have an appointment for Friday please".... would you like 10.30, 11.15, or 12.00...eeeerr...10.30 please..puts down phone then thinks, I think the 12 o'clock may have been better ;-/ ...soooo f*****g annoying...if we weren't so Coo Coo Sandra we'd be crazy ;-))

And I personly think having a lil drink after a long tiring week ain't such a bad thing ...and you've put the lid on it so sounds like you're in control not the bottle ;-)) ...everything in moderation S ...if we keep it that way we will be fine..that said I drank a little too much Sunday night lol.

Remember S..slowly slowly catchy monkey ...OAU..Ginge x

Post just got censored because ...the residue moles leave behind sounds like a bookie called William ;-))))

Good morning diary,

Looks like insomnia spells refuse to leave me alone. Let it be...it could be worse - i could be gambling, drinking or working!
Was thinking to myself today that i get less urges recently. Saying that, i looked across the arcades today while queuing for Cappuccino at Mc D's and even if those lights were blinding i absolutely knew that such thoughts are not acceptable! I seem to brush them away quicker now...but...hold on..didn't i say this before? I know very well how "clever" mr G can be! Self sabotage..feel better, let guard down & - boom! It happens again.
Retraining the brain is truly necessary. Finding those stepping stones where you have to gather your focus of journey ahead is a challenge itself. But it is possible.
Every day is different. I still go through the mill but very slowly i start using my clear head. I even start talking more at work..progress there cause usually i am just "go, do ur job - get out" person. Now i have a laugh a lil...not everything has to be strict & under rules...besides rules are for breaking and i know too well how business works...lol..no secrets shared on here!

Today i thought about my bro (which didn't mk to this world due to complications but still...he was kind of half way through to face it anyway)...i often think of how he would of looked, talked, lived..big bro i never had a chance to meet...RIP his soul..

Not sure where my thoughts are taking me tbh. All is ok. I am safe, calm (or so i think) & balanced out.

One day at a time, i shall work my way towards normality and calmer waters..will i make it? Only i can mk sure of that.

I am happy with my progress so far.

S x

Good to see your happy with the progress. Keep plodding along, it was a smart move setting up the challenge it's given you another focus.

KTF

Thanks M

Day is going from bad to worse! Wondering if i jinxed myself yesterday.
Car packing up & i have to be somewhere.
Urges sky high and do want to gamble, drink...self destruct basically!

What's the point in all this ...

Grrrrrrrr. Will i go for it or not, i don't know. ATM just at the garage waiting for the news.. ffs

Will have to update later...is S****y day worth months of pain which will no doubt follow?

Nothing to gain in giving in to either urge. When has it every turned out to be anything good, yes you might get a few hours of escape but once you get back to reality it won't have been worth it.

You don't want to do it or you would have done it already not come on here.

KTF

Hi S , It is what it is and thats life my darling , nothing more than that ! .

It's a car that wants a bit of attention just like us and maybe something that needs fixing, again just like us ?.

No need to make into the mountain that addiction is saying you have to , so don't give in but instead just deal with an everyday hiccup that comes along to just try and spoil your day .

Be strong and be free !!

xx