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Oh hopeful soul, so sorry you're having such a bad time at the moment. It's never easy and can so easily catch us off guard. Don't rush things, take a step back, take a breathe you can only achieve so much in such a short space of time. You don't have to climb the mountain straight away. You haven't gambled so that is absolutely is something to be proud of. I do hope you are feeling Morr positive soon. C x

So what do you want S x What would an ideal recovery look like?

A little bit of a rant here -

Don't say sorry if your diary isn't a cheery place. I know for myself I would rather come across as a miserable f**k on my diary than in 3d.. It's a place to purge internally

Sandra, your making a life in a different country away from your folks. And doing it admirably, so rather than beat your self up, cut your self some slack. Your a wise lass beyond your years, another reason why you should be proud of yourself. I could go on and on.

A Lil bird said this once -

The sun goes up.
The sun goes down.

Sandra will be on the up soon

Hi Hopeful Soul,

It sounds like you are going through a challenging time. It also sounds like sometimes these challenges take you towards some dark thoughts. Please do feel free to call the Netline any time you need to talk, we are here to support you, please remember that.

I wish you all the very best,

Eva

Forum Admin

Hi Sandra,

You are stronger and tougher than so many other people to make the changes you have to try and build towards something better and more positive. Yes, it's tough, but you never have to come on here and apologise for how you feel or how hard you are finding it. The fight against the addiction is only one part of life's challenges, and it sounds like you're right in the middle of one of those fights now. Wish I could send you strength and help you tough it out, but my thoughts are with you, even if that don't mean too much. Keep fighting, even when you feel like you can't.

On a practical note, do you maybe have the option to take a power nap in the car before you drive home? I know in the car park at work, if I've had a bout of insomnia then I will grab half an hour at lunchtime. It's not a deep sleep, but roll the seat back and put some chilled out music on quiet, I sometimes feel like that gives me a bit more oomph in the afternoon.

To quote Sage Francis, who I think might have been paraphrasing Churchill, "When it feels like you're going through hell, keep going".

Ryan xxx

Thinking of you Sandra... take good care of yourself.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AZv8S806y_Y

Cathyx

Thank you everyone for your posts..i feel guilty for getting you all worried.

All is ok, I'm fighting & am positive i will come out the other side.

Will get back to each and every one of you soon....

Love & hugs all
Look after yourselves

S x

No need to reply. Just caring without an agenda. Good to hear you feeling more balanced. That's the beauty of not bottling up - you move through it and feel better.

Keep up that great work 🙂

Good morning diary,

Well, what supposed to be 1hr journey bk home ended up 3hrs one :-/. One road closure - no diversion, oil lamp shining in my face same as petrol one and sat nav showing map from space...lovely journey that was and can't wait to find my way to work in daylight tom lol.

Things are tough. That's all i can say because it's hard to be completely honest in this place now... dark cloud jumps in mind lol

****** edited ******

Diary, all is very stressful and lonely recently, but I'm holding on. Very scared to lose ppl i care about...i already lost Duncs cause of my "antics" on here 5-6 months ago...it is still v painful. Sorry again Duncs, i understand that not everything can be forgiven in this world.

I guess enough rambling, still gamble free but cannot say it feels any different to be honest. Maybe later on..next year i will start seing benefits of this new found life...who knows.. No bet today, that's good enough for me.

I have a job, roof over my head, food (ish) & ......yeah, maybe enough gratitudes for now. I am greatful for the breaths i am still taking in. Keeps me alive ☺

Nite diary.

Sandra
I have said it before and will again, you have done nothing to offend me in any form, I have text you but fear I have the wrong number:(
You know where to find me.
Duncs x

Thank you Duncs,

Dear diary,

Well...all this self pittying didn't do me any good for a good while now. I lost connection which i truly appreciate with my whole heart. I say i am scared of loneliness but i don't actually do anything about it either.

This weekend i will try and make some wrongs right again. It's not just ME ME ME...there are all YOU YOU YOU who kindly let me in your lives during all these 3 years on here.
Some emails to write me thinks...all of you...absolutely everyone who was kind enough to offer the hand of support, ...this will heal my heart a lot, i just know it ☺

Stand by dear friends - Sandra is soldiering on and touching the base again!

S x

Aw, flowerpot. Sorry things feel so hard right now. SOOOOO true about the perspective thing. Please give it some time. Remember the sun sets 2 minutes earlier every day - but it takes a month to notice the nights drawing in. Ask yourself are things a little bit easier? after 4 weeks have passed, then again after another 4. It's the only way, hun.

I can really relate to struggling and needing things to get easier AS FAST AS POSSIBLE!!!! though.

Hugs - you're doing way better than you realise and are way stronger than you think x x

Hey Freda, Em and uncertain outcomes,

Thank you all so much for your posts!

Diary,

Well, it's the most weirdest weekend i have had in a long time. In a good way (for once ☺). I have heard from so many GC friends and my heart is so happy and light! Thank you so much for getting back to me and updating your stories..inspirational for sure!!! While I'm on about it - our Suzanne sends everyone hi and best wishes ☺..she is as positive as ever and actually gave me much positivity also. All good friends are moving on in their lives, all made changes and strived for different, better life. There is nothing stopping us from that - but as i said before, the "fire" has to come from within. So happy for everyone and i know that living alongside addiction but not turning to it on tough times is essential. Really - well done all...i am thankful for knowing you in my life! I have got more belief than ever ☺

I also went to see Sister today. I offered a walk and we had the most amazing conversation ever. I am almost crying now because i can't remember last time we spoke with such honesty. The laughs, debates, food for thought, happines for each other and support to keep striving forward is priceless! We covered 8miles not even realising (her dog must of felt it as is still having a nap as i left him lol). Amazing, i never had so much peace and calm coming from her and she truly proved to be the best sister in the world!
I seem to get such peace from my Sesuo also and i think connection is truly amazing gift for human race.

I don't know if all these changes made me look at life a lil different. It felt like I'm the only one in the world going for it...why me? Why it's so hard? How could the world dish me out these emotions & stress?... How wrong was i. All of us are going through changes, big or small. World is changing with every second, we are adapting to it and making it the place where we can stay in our skin and make it comfortable to us and everyone around us. It takes time, of course it does...but every day opens that opportunity to create the "space" for a change. Down to us to take that opportunity of course.

I also thought that stepping in outside world and connecting with it is really important. I truly appreciate this forum and all the support i have received on here...but sometimes it feels like a wheel. It also can get too personal and finding that balance between addiction and "debates" is really hard.
Addiction will live with me for the rest of my life, this forum will stay here for good while also,..maybe i will let myself to drift off and let 3d to take over (i seem on that track at the minute) & maybe my safety blanket needs to come off now, while i am moving on.
It's only been 5 months g free for me. I don't think i have learned how damaging this addiction is, however..what i did learn is that it can strike at any time, but i have a choice. I can live honest, sometimes tough and challenging life or i can run away and hide behind the slots..killing me from inside out. I know what choice i make today.

Get busy living, no matter what is coming my way. Every situation has a solution. How we deal with them is down to us and us only.

Choose life dear soldiers, create something you can be very proud of in a long run. Be free and feel the peace coming from within.

I may touch the base later...but for now - tipu tapu today & every day

S x

Firstly 5 months GF is a fabulous acheivement! To me looking in you are spiralling upward. A big part of GA is service... getting out of our own heads for a while and helping others can be a huge part of recovery. You are doing that... volunteering and supporting your sister. You are participating/living in the 3D world , you are giving instead of taking and most importantly you are creating an honest life for yourself:).

Be proud my dear!

Cathyx

Hi Sandra

Hope you're doing okay, and that you have continued with your positivity throughout the week...had to dig you out of the fourth page of diaries! Glad you had a wonderful chat with your sister, and all dogs love long walks, apart from my mum's fat Yorkie who finds it too much like hard work actually getting to the flowerbed, so poops on the patio!

Anyway, keep finding the time to look after yourself, and keep up the positive steps, and all the good changes that are coming.

xxx