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Hi Sis,

Just a flyer to say that I hope you are keeping well. I know you are busy in the 3rd but, you know where to find me. xx

Hey All, thank you for your kind words and well wishes!

So diary,

What's going on in my lil world. Still little up & down but accepting my depression for what it is and if tears wants to get out daily, let it be. (I do find something to smile about after the hysteric cry..I'll take it!)
Last week seen me going flat down. Everything seemed to be going wrong and after two months of sheer stress my dreams seemed like got shattered. I however, stood bk up and collected myself once again!
I am respecting the power of mind because all it takes is to direct it the right way and everything falls back into places...at least for a while lol

Work is getting better. Kind of found my feet there and applied my own strategy going forwards. Pays off big deal, exceeding the targets! Was like a kid yesterday grinning ear to ear while standing at the SIC board while the whole delegation was checking out my antics of the day. Was v pleased with myself cause i seem to get what they want and thank God for my literacy! (The actions we need to put down is more than detailed...i like detail and proper explanation).
Vollunteering..well, i thought that slipped from my hands for good and got quite upset about it. However, my shout of cry for lacking hours there has been heard and taken control of..very happy, i can get back on track again shortly.
Own home..boooo...yup..situation is, i am moving into a room soon. Shared accomodation in other town. Something i tried to avoid but weighing my options and finances, it's the best way forward for a time being..
Family is ok. I see the letter i wrote to sister daily on my bedside table. Instructions of "if something happens to me". As i said - bad & fearful week last week. Maybe was too panicky about everything.
No gambling. Still the last thing on my mind. I was expecting beast to jump out since i had some financial losses recently..but it didn't, thank god it stays doormat.

I guess this is my update. Fighting on, looking ahead and holding the hope close by. I will sort my life out, it may take time but i am determined to get there!

Thank you all again and i will try and get bk to you all over the weekend.

Stay safe, keep being strong.

Sandra

thanks for the support on my diary Sandra

Hi Sandra hope your well, just wanted to update you as you was the first to write in my diary when I joined, I'm 34 days gf now and it feels so good. I'm still remaining strong and always on my Guard. Well done on your gf journey too x

Thank you all & anon100 - you're doing amazingly well ☺ keep up good work!

Diary,

Weeks are ticking by & closing to the end of the year. Not sure where has time gone! I dread Xmas and this year is the worst i felt about such season festivities.

Moods are extremely unsettled. Had my crazy bk twice in last two weeks. Scared myself and still trying to get over the last episode of mind game. Rage. I don't like being angry but i do get like that. The thing is, i aim it at myself but everyone around me suffers also. Consequences - questioning what kind of a person i am and if i would be better off......

Lucky to be single, the last thing i would want is to hurt someone i love and who loves me bk.
At the same time feel completely out of my skin and lonely. Can't win here lol.

Life goes on. Changes were needed but i happened to skip the root cause of my behaviour - myself. I can change anything around me but if i keep taking this person with me everywhere i go, my life will keep going round in circles.

How to change me? How to start respect, care, appreciate & accept myself?

31 years of pain, negativity, despair, hopelessness..not sure how much longer i can take this self beating pattern going.

Anyway, good news - no gambling. I am alive, i have job, warm clothes and food on the table. My family are ok and fighting their own battles head on.

Proud of every single one of you! Keep claiming your life back, never give up on giving up.

S x

Awwww,

I know how easy it is to beat yourself up, I do so much of it myself. I know that my words however nice will not make you take those words to heart, and when I say that you are a genuinely wonderful and supportive person will not make you really believe that. It is not just your family that is fighting their battles head on, you are too, and showing great courage while you do it.

I wish I could tell you how to fix it, and how to make things better, but I don't know how to do it myself either. All I can say is that I am proud of you too, and the great effort you are putting in to your recovery which will leave you in a much better place than if you gave in to those gambling temptations.

Ryan

Removed as requested x

Thank you LB for your thoughts and wishes to help, however i truly don't find this post helpful.

Could you please take it off as i did enough digging in my mind & answer doesn't lie there. I accepted whatever happened, just working out how to move on.

Appreciate your concerns.

Best wishes

S x

Dear one, your anger says absolutely zero about who you really are as a person. It only speaks of the fear, pain and trauma you have yet to acknowledge and integrate and work through.

I closely relate to this having had to face my "shadow" side recently in order to heal. It is OK to feel rage. Everything you feel is OK. Please hold yourself with compassion and be loving to yourself. It is deeply painful to experience these states so have compassion for yourself that you do. Yes, it's probably best that you don't get into a relationship if you feel you would lash out and hurt the other but don't isolate. As long as you're confident you can stop short of physically violent lashing out, friends and professionals are the way forward with these feelings. A trained counsellor will know how to hold a space for your anger and rage without judging you and hopefully help you accept this side of yourself. When we face and accept it and forgive ourselves for these emotions they significantly reduce and light will flood in to those spaces where darkness was.

You are a sensitive being and I want you to know that everything of this nature has been heightened lately for those who are sensitive. This is why it may feel worse than ever but it's actually pushing you to help you acknowledge, accept, integrate and then let go.

Nurture and love that beautiful soul, it is always in you.

f x

Morning Lovely. I'm not sure if you'd written more to me and then edited it....if you did then I didn't see it....but if all you wrote was what is above then you've no reason to apologise. There's nothing there for me to be upset by. You weren't rude or aggressive and given that I caught you at a bad time, it could have been a whole lot worse! I knew when I wrote what I did that you may not be ready to hear it, but it's been about a year since I said something very similar and so I just thought I'd give it another shot. I really only want the very best for you and I so want you to be free of your troubles. Please don't let this upset you. We're good 🙂 xx

Thank you LB..no, nothing else was written i just sounded rude & i truly didn't mean to chuck your advice back in the face. Thank you for your lovely post & good to hear all is kool ☺

Diary,

I definitely accept the doom & gloom days and this time of the year just generally puts me on a downer (i guess many of you frowned now thinking how much more down i can get lol..yup, i am not v good at being cheery I'm afraid).
Recently i thought i lost my soul, very dark place and i don't need to gamble to get myself in such situation. Even if i changed jobs and am doing different hours, sleep is hardly present. I cannot moan cause i open my eyes about 10'ish to 2pm previously. I take it! I at least see mornings now ☺
I very nearly chucked the boxing gloves down. Vollunteering, work, hope, life. I am only saying how i felt recently. Anger towards myself for being useless and not being able to find my feet anywhere in this world.
I still feel like on different planet at work. But job is job, it earns money no matter how little i am managing to put aside. I could do a lot better for myself & maybe i will in time as I'm really not satisfied with the skills i have and what i can offer to others. I need to work at that but everything comes with time.

New place stuff gone in shatters and just maybe it affected me more than i thought. However, fighting means fighting and i must not give up. Some things are not meant to be huh. I am not going into rented anymore either. I shall grin and bear the commutes and the price of this place until i find something to call home.

I am trying so hard to be positive here but it seems to fail lol.

Everything is ok as it could be so so much worse! My Mummy's 70th in few weeks time and it has played on my mind a lot recently. I admire her strength and determination to keep crawling out of dark place the conditions given. She is not well bless her, but she, with my Dad's support is holding on tight and looking ahead!

I am just glad that i am here and at peace. Feel better today & maybe cause it's my day off, but somehow the dark cloud has lifted for now. May take myself to the shore and have a lil calm time.
Also, i didn't do too much physical activities recently and i know that it doesn't help me. I love excercising, it takes the pressure off and puts mind into more positive place. I couldn't get out for my runs because have lil issue with a knee. Awaiting for a Xray results but hoping it won't be too bad and i can get bk on the road with knee support or after lil keyhole surgery if needed.

Right diary, i guess that's me. Had few urges recently but it was just the mindset trying to sabotage me.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts, for posting on your own diaries, for supporting each other and fighting the good fight! Thanks to Sesuo for staying close by and riding the storms out with me..which was present too often recently.
Thanks to parents for keeping on and looking after themselves, sister for determination to succeed in her upcoming exams and for lil nephew for standing his ground when going gets tough with lil bullies at school.

Proud of all of you!

Things will get better for all of us, there is no gain without pain! ☺

Day at a time

S x

Hi Sandra your post was than helpful and I'm more than happy for it to remain where it is.

I'm sure my friend had exactly the those feelings I know I certainly felt the worthlessness and people would be better of without me when I was at my lowest.

I'm sure it wasn't a decision he took lightly and for what ever reason felt this was the choice he had to make. I'm led to believe he has left a letter which may shed some more light on his mindset.

I could toss and turn ideas around my mind and will never know the why I'm not even going to try.

KTF

Morning Sandra , thanks for your post :))

I don't know about Angels sometimes but I think were blessed to have them in our lives as it's the little things they do that keep you smiling and laughing , It's a long time since I did all that growing up stuff with mine and it's kinda nice to be having asecond chance all over again :))).

Hope your feeling a little more positive ? , been keeping up with your diary and seen your up's and down's the last few weeks , I'm sorry I don't comment much on your diary , TBH I sometimes don't know what to say not having been in the position you sometimes find yourself in and struggle to offer any advice that youve not already heard , I know you get tremendous support from the Ladie's on here who seem to offer better advice than I ever could so I kinda sit back and don't interfere .

Sorry I can't be of more use really but I want you to know that I think of you during your times of struggle and enjoy the happy posts when they arrive as well :)).

Talk to you soon hun xx

Even if every post for a whole year was grumpy, angry, miserable and full of pain - I accept you and your truth. I wish for happier times for such a beautiful soul, but if they don't come, I am still here.

I hate the idea of everyone pretending to feel positive and forcing on a smile. This is what drives people to despair and even suicide, I believe. Not feeling able to be honest and authentic for fear others would not accept the real, raw you. It is awful to feel this way and carry such a pressure on your shoulders. As far as I am concerned, if someone is expressing, getting stuff off their chest and feeling the pain, they are facing things as they are and this stops the building up inside like a pressure cooker. I just had a good cry and vented on my diary and feel much better as a result.

Didn't mean to imply anything about your anger in my last post to you - was kind of just trying to say whatever form it takes, there is no judgement here. It is not part of the real, true you, just side effects of traumatic times and feelings.

f x

Thanks both, Ya know Freda, maybe you're right about the pressure cooker & i feel I'm gonna let it boom boom if i keep everything in for much longer. Life is ****. Here, said it and should feel better about it huh.. I am tired and angry. Tired of constant tears, headache, feeling worthless and lonely. Tired & angry constantly trying to get closer to someone i love so much but get silent answers on the phone..just those silent moments hurts like hell because i feel like i missed someone but they didn't! How can you feel uncomfortable talking to your own Mum? Angry for being lonely, angry not to be able to smile. I feel nothing..absolutely nothing. Just sadness, hopelessness, cold and devastation inside. I have right to feel these...same as i have right to feel love, touch, care and connection. I feel stuck in the rut and yes, it's depression i fight all my life. Tired of this f****r too. Very tired & also angry. Angry at myself for not being a better person, for trusting so many people and getting just hurt and physical abuse in return...angry for looking for acceptance, appreciation, care and understanding. I shouldn't look for these, yet i do. Angry with poor choices i have made so far. Changes. I hate my job. Really do. I lost my freedom. I am on the breaking verge there but ...hold on, i need to do my duties and make others happy huh. Tired & angry for the journies i make, not enough sleep, no motivation. Tired of this season because every year is the same...same old same old. Angry for innocent souls leaving this earth too early, angry for world being such a nasty place! Tired of looking for the understanding, because No one will ever understand how much better i would feel and world would be better place without me. No one understands the pain i feel having to face this daily... & so i keep putting this mask on..so i smile through tears, so i leave for work in time, so i keep ringing mum expecting different result each time, so i keep moving on... It's not fair..i don't want to feel this way but life is not created for everyone to be happy and at peace. I will take that back seat...no family, no love, no understanding and no care. I'm also angry about others crying about money when .....when they have all they need around them already..just angry..just feeling. (& please don't think i judge anyone)...just the way i feel. Rant over. S x