...

Thinking of you Sandra 🙂

Cathyx

Thanks for sharing S.

I cant talk about depression as i have not experienced it. Yes i have been depressed, but its not the same thing is it. What i do know is that addiction, anxiety, eating disorders, ocd, depression are all kissing cousins basically doing the same job. Numbing pain.Soothing us in times of emotional turmoil.

Wish i had better answers for you. But i dont have anything other than the one i know. 12 Step is a solution. I accept its a solution you dont want & thats fine. But you do need to find one you can commit & stick with.
Most people pick & choose what bits of the solutions they like. They mould proven solutions to themselves & try to put there own spin on it ( because we need to control) instead of moulding themselves to what they are being asked to do.

With daring find something you can say yes too x

Hi Sandra,

So sorry you are at a low ebb, I know I have felt so much of those emotions myself. However, this world would definitely not be a better place without you. You have been my light in dark caves when I couldn't talk to or message anyone else - or at least that is how I felt. You are one of those innocent souls too, don't think yourself into wanting to leave here too soon.

I hope that when you read this you are in a slightly better place, you are not those things your mind tells you when you are in the grip of depression...those things your mind tells you in self-hating are not true. I know that when you are in the grip of it, nobody can make you think any different. Do not give up or give in, there is far more to life than that.

Thoughts with you xxx

Never cry for me my dear, you know I just want the best for you as well as me. I know that the mental condition won't always let us do that, but I meant every word. Glad to read you were feeling a little better, or at least a little more towards the positive track. Don't let go of what you mean to everyone else in your life, You are genuinely very special and very important to more people than you know.

xxx

LMAO:). Keep pushing thru the darkness.

Cathyx

I love hearing it 100% how it is. It's OK to be that honest. I wish I could take that pain away but it's OK to be honest about the size of it. I want you to know this, too: you are a beautiful soul who has indeed provided light for me when I couldn't see any, like Leedso describes, BUT if you are unable to do this for others at the moment, you are still worth being on this planet. Too often we get our sense of self-worth through the help we give others. That's fine but if we find ourselves emotionally overwhelmed and have nothing left to give, suddenly we can't do the one thing that makes us feel worthy. I struggled with this HUGELY over the years. People would always remind me of all the times I'd helped them and how kind my heart was, and it's not the wrong thing to do at all - but I needed to also hear that they still thought I was worthy if I didn't help anyone. That I'd already proved my worth, so to speak, and didn't need to keep topping it up. I was terrified no-one would want me or still love me if I stopped giving and had to start asking for help and support instead.

Please know things can and will get better. I don't understand your own circumstances of course but I want you to know that I also have a strained relationship with my mother and can relate to what you describe. It's very painful. It's so understandable why we link the love we get from our mother to how worthy of love we are. If we don't feel like even our mother loves us, how can we expect anyone else to, right? I get it. I get how that feels. Some people can't love or don't know how to. It is excruciating to experience but says absolutely nothing about us and what we are worth. So painful when it is your mother. I am hearing the severity of that pain and respecting how much it must affect you. It's OK to struggle to cope when you are carrying that around with you. I really urge you to see the GP and try some medication and to also seek out counselling. There is nothing wrong with you - you are reacting exactly how anyone would if they had your experiences.

I think there is something healing about facing the severity of the pain. Really admitting just how hard it is. That sometimes it feels too hard to stay alive. Please, please speak to the samaritans or the Gamcare line if you are feeling suicidal. You deserve that support when the pain is that bad.

Lots of love x x

Hi S, thanks for the post. I spoke to hubby about it straight away. My initial reaction was not to tell him in case he got upset, but I realised that wasn't the best idea. I needed to share it. It's hard to explain how he is though. He's a good man, with a great sense of right and wrong but we are very different in the way we see things and how we react. Ying and Yang. From when we first met, he's never wanted to know any details about my previous relationships. Doesn't want it in his head. To him, the here and now is what matters. He doesn't need/want to know any details. Whereas I'm the opposite. I'd want to know every last little bit of info about everything. And I'd get upset on his behalf, and rage on his behalf...but he's just not like that. Even yesterday, he didin't want the details. Didn't want to read the message. Hasn't asked about it since. How we ever got togther I really don't know.Lol! So we talked and he said what he'd do but said it was up to me to make my own decision and he'd support whatever I decided (he did say he didnt want it to become an ongoing conversation between me and the ex) and to him, that's it. Done. Sorted. So, because I'm not like that and I needed a bit of processing and reflection and rage and swearing and then acceptance....well, I guess that's why I was getting it out here instead.

I'm hoping you're feeling a little better today. You've been having a really tough time lately. I haven't really known what to say....I could/should have just sent a hug...I always read your posts. I'm glad you come here to get it out. What you said about your Mum really reminds me of the relationship between my niece and her Mum (my sister). She so needs the love and affection from her Mum but her Mum just isn't able to give it. And she keeps going back, over and over hoping for something different....something more. And it isn't that my sister doesn't care. She just isn't able to do it. She doesn't have it in her to have the relationship that my niece so desperately wants. I think the reality is that my niece needs to change her expectations of what she can have. Try and look on it as a friendship rather than the typical mother/daughter thing. She's never going to get it, and she keeps hurting herself in going after it. But they could have a good, if different, relationship. And as I've said to my niece I'll say the same to you. It's not you. It's not that you're not loveable, that you're not good enough, that you're not ok. It's them. They just don't have it to give, and it's not their fault. But you're not to blame.

(((S))) xx

Hope you're doing okay, and maybe getting a bit of relaxing time this weekend? Don't let the world get on top of you (trying to take that advice myself this weekend too!).

Thank you everyone,

Dear diary,

Am here and fighting the good fight. Don't find it easy at all but trying to keep the clear head on.
Last week was by far the worst. Hardly made it to work. Made pit stops on the way for half a week weighing my options and pushing the desire to get away and hide for a week aside. Shut down, didn't speak to the soul...just pushed through & guess didn't look any different for outside people as i just get on with everything..yet inside i was ripped apart.
Seen doc on Thursday. Nothing wrong with the knee and my pains must be sedated with painkillers. That's fine, i just want to get back on my runs & truly understand how important health is. It's not nice to have pain 24/7.
Also been prescribed HP. I didn't tell GP my true feelings, only mentioned stress about the current situation. Fluexetine is taking its course now.
I am scared & lost if I'm honest. I shouldn't expect miracles esp at this time of the year. I should know better how it affects me.
I stopped mr A also. Addiction is progressive and before i knew it i was back hitting old good bottle to "ease" the pain on the weekends. That's when i found voice to spk...sorry about my thoughts on here while under the influence of it.
Life is tough but could be well worse.
Am waiting for a outcome about another property i chose and to be fair whatever way it goes - it will be another turning point in my life.

I guess that's me. I am ok, i am here & fighting...that's all i can do today and every day.

There is always sunshine after the rain, however rain is an opportunity to find the strength & keep moving on until sun breaks through.

No gambling to report even if had a close call yesterday.

Peace out & thank you everyone for your unconditional support and thoughts.

S x

Hey, S. Really pleased to hear you are getting a little medicinal support. Nothing wrong with that at all - I would be dead long ago without my medication. I hope it starts to ease things for you.

Baby steps are all that are needed, take sick leave if you need to, whatever helps. This will all pass. Maybe it won't be all cute puppies and rainbows when it passes, but it will be much easier at some point. I think that's the key with depression - it has been for me, anyway - realising that I may struggle for the rest of my life but it is not usually as hard as it is for you and for me at the moment. We are both rebuilding our lives and struggling with a lot of pain from things happened past and present. It is supposed to be hard at these times. It is normal to struggle.

Still here with you, believing in you, accepting all of you.

f x

Hi, Sandra,

Thanks v much for the post, hope things are a bit better for you at the moment and that you're finding it easier to dodge Mr A.

Follow your own advice...KOKO

Take care,

CW

Thank you all,

Finding it difficult to blanace everything out. Stand bk - breathe.......

Have people drifted away, are they consumed with their own life? Or have you isolated & not been open with them about your fears?
If you were to read your own thread as if it was written by someone else, what advice would you give them?

And you'd really help yourself by following that advice...

Hello diary!

Yes my lovely, loyal & ever so meaningful for me diary!

I am back to share my story with you. I am back to express how quickly everything can change in a matter of a blink of a eye...i am back to tell you that i am committed to carrying on with the journey to different life,..more positive, more adventurous and more fulfilling.

I am back to say that I'm greatful to be alive. The dark thoughts i had a month ago has dissadissapeared (with a help of HP).
I had a close call few days ago, not intentionally but it has made me realise something....if whatever it is upstairs wants me around - i will be here & i will bloody make the most out of my days too!

No gambling, more self care and more kindness to myself and people around me.

I love my life...it's not perfect but it is my life & who said we don't have another chance at making things rite 😉

Thank you all, thank you GC, thank you whoever sit upstairs for this opportunity to keep journaling my days down...for the clouds, sun, trees, humans & life surrounding us!

Have a lovely Xmas everyone, i know i will...i know i am here for a reason ☺

S xxx