...

Now that brought a smile to my face and a tear to my eye!

Best wishes for the holidays!

Cathyx

hopeful soul wrote: Hello diary!

Yes my lovely, loyal & ever so meaningful for me diary!

I am back to share my story with you. I am back to express how quickly everything can change in a matter of a blink of a eye...i am back to tell you that i am committed to carrying on with the journey to different life,..more positive, more adventurous and more fulfilling.

I am back to say that I'm greatful to be alive. The dark thoughts i had a month ago has dissadissapeared (with a help of HP).
I had a close call few days ago, not intentionally but it has made me realise something....if whatever it is upstairs wants me around - i will be here & i will bloody make the most out of my days too!

No gambling, more self care and more kindness to myself and people around me.

I love my life...it's not perfect but it is my life & who said we don't have another chance at making things rite 😉

Thank you all, thank you GC, thank you whoever sit upstairs for this opportunity to keep journaling my days down...for the clouds, sun, trees, humans & life surrounding us!

Have a lovely Xmas everyone, i know i will...i know i am here for a reason ☺

S xxx

Perfect sentiment and close to where I am right now.

Keep accepting the sunlight 🙂

Sbb

Hi Sandra,

So glad to read that you are okay, especially so after the close call that you mentioned there. No time like the present to take everything on again with a positive attitude. Great to read you seem to be in a better place, hope you have a good Christmas, and 2017 brings on a better future. xxx

Thank you, Sandra, Merry Christmas, take care of yourself and stay safe.

CW

Thank you everyone & merry Xmas to you all xx

Dear diary,

Had a great day yesterday and my lil nephew was so happy that it made me smile all day long. It was good to spend time with loved ones and my sister is truly lovely person to be around. Very caring and kind.

Today, however feel very down. Maybe it's after festive feeling or maybe the events of the past few days has caught up with me and all i can think is sadness and my bad destiny. I know i am the luckiest person in the world taking in consideration what could of happened or should of happened by the book and expected aftermath.
I am upset today. Upset that i cannot go to work..cannot do simple things like changing my bed sheets or dressing up. Cannot get comfortable and have a lot of pain. Cannot sleep because i cannot get comfy & the dreaded visions of stuff i have witnessed recently is haunting me every single minute.
Am also angry a little. Angry at people who are sooo careless...i don't like to be angry but i cannot help it.

Gambling is far away from my mind. I don't want to go back there. It's not gonna help me in any aspect at the minute. I just want to feel a lil better, mentally and physically.
I would like to be more capable of daily simple stuff, i need to get my energy back. I know there is no quick fix....same as recovery - one tiny step at a time...healing will take place, it is already.

Physio tommorow, more prayers and maybe an action plan how to go forwards with everything.

I am happy to be here and now...this somehow outweighs my aches and pains.

I still love life & am willing to find my road ahead. It is here - i just know it.

Have a great rest of the Boxing day all, appreciate every single soul around you, we simply don't know when the last word will be said...@ least speak from the heart while we all can!!!

Hugs all

S x

Good morning dear diary,

Another day here & now and only if was blessed with couple of hours of shut eye - i shall take it! ☺

No matter what, I'm gonna face new year with a new attitude...positive attitude.

No gambling to report, some self care in progress, will keep pushing on.

S x

Good morning dear diary,

Another day is here & i shall make the most out of it to my best ability.

There will be no gambling involved.

Stay well all

S x

Hi Sandra,

Glad to see that you are retaining that positive attitude - don't let your anger sour that positivity which will be a great help in getting you to that positive, forward-thinking and optimistic place that is where I think we all want to be. Staying off the gambling is a part of that, and the self-care to get yourself in the right spot is another.

Hope you are not in too much pain to miss out on the holiday/New Year, and that you can enjoy some time for yourself.

Thank you Ryan,

Hello diary,

Another day here. No gambling will be involved today.

One step at a time learning about myself and my behaviours.

Stay well all

S x

Hey there lovely. Good to see you posting. I'm keeping this short (I've hurt my back and am laid up on painkillers) but have been meaning to post to you and it felt it important that I did.

Just wanted to say that I'm so glad you're still here after whatever it was that happened. Life can change in an instant and that includes it being taken away from us. Obviously not your time 🙂 I think it's Oprah that says the universe tries speaking to us when things need to change. It starts with a gentle tap on our shoulder...but those taps get stronger and stronger if we keep ignoring them until the universe gives a great big wallop (she puts it much better than that!!). Seems like you've had and heard your message from the universe. Keep looking after you. xx

Hi S,

Really glad for you that you are feeling a little easier about things. Depression is a horrible intruder but does always ebb and flow.

I don't really feel like I have anything to add but checking in with you to say hi.

f x

Thank you ladies ☺ xx

Dear diary,

Well today wasn't too good at all. Spent most of it in my pj's & if that's not bad enough - i kept stuffing my face with c**P i could find in a cupboards :-0
Not happy and poor me mood truly didn't help! I have brushed with the cold hand of the death one week ago. It was scary/unexpected and traumatising. I don't know how many more "near misses" i can have? :-/
Now I'm off work, in pain, without car, deflated & demotivated.

It was a wake up call for me.. however the initial fear of not seing my loved ones again has gone. Am i back to being ungrateful cow? :-/
I know I'm fortunate and i kind of think i shouldn't be here. High speed head on collision has so many "lucky cards", however i feel i have drawn the "lucky" one.
No casualties, everyone alive to see Xmas with their loved ones.
It could of easily been v different story.

So what now? Healing physical & emotional scars, learning to trust drivers and safety of the road. No idea how will i go bk behind the wheel after few weeks (maybe sooner if find the right car within my budget) but the thought is haunting me well bad. Flashbacks are here every night...it's tirening. What if's & one sec differences keep spinning in my mind. I'm no angel...i had my phone out just few minutes b4 other driver overtook the lorry on the bend...it could be different story & i could of been at fault.
However...im here ☺..he is here & everyone can breathe again!

My sister & friend is still shaken. My parents has no clue that i am in such situation. My work...well...i truly hope i hold job..new start huh...maybe it is the signs of me doing mistake.

I'm overthinking again. I shouldn't let this get to me. I am here and alive. Scars will heal....mindset also.

I am willing to see new year in higher spirit. May e i don't need to search for a sunrise - it has been there all along....in my heart keeping the ticker going...for a reason ☺

Stay safe all, have safe and happy entry to NY and embrace the life to its full...it can be slippery....don't take it for granted!

One day at a time

S x

Ps. My full respect, huge thank you & massive hugs goes to good samaritans @ the scene, police officers, A&E staff, my mate, my Sesuo & my lovely family & friends over here ((((((((((((ALL)))))))))))) XXXX

Is it wrong that I aspire to be able to spend a day in PJs eating c**P? Seems like a great way to spend a day. I'm still aching from a 3k run in near zero temperatures earlier. Had to do something after a few days of pigging out and not doing any exercise.

As we move away from these kinds of events, the weight that they hold will naturally change, so just because you don't feel exactly the same doesn't mean it is a bad thing. You are still taking the lessons on board, and I hope you really can embrace the chances and opportunities for the year to come.

Hope you too have a nice New Year's, even if you are doped up on painkillers!

Hello diary!

Another day is here....&....still in my PJ's :-/...whoopy doo me!

Looked up local AA so if i gather my bravery & commitment (seem to lack these recently) i shall go to at least socialise a lil..

Anyway, no gambling to report. Truly hope it stays this way as sitting at home i find it a struggle & urges are here...after half a year i don't feel I'm nowhere near closer in learning my behaviours/reactions to situations.

Work in progress tho...one day at a time

Stay well all

S x

Echo gladness that you're still here. I wouldn't underestimate the trauma, though, or think that you're malingering because you need time and space to get over it.

Take care of you.

CW