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Wow I hope your claiming for your injuries and car crash hun? That may well be the silver lining to this over hanging cloud! It could well help you clear any debt give you a financial release for a while and probably help not feeling you have to gamble so you wont feel the need to.we had a car accident last year we were reversing into a space on the opposite side of the road a taxi came down into the back of us not fast we were reversing at about 2mph he put breaks on and was barely moving he only cracked a front grill section on our towbar no real damage but he claimed it cost 900 to repair and then claimed whiplash and got 2400 ontop so insurance payed 3300 for his mistake grrr.we claimed nothing as no damage we should of but we were ok.on revision we should of all claimed and rinsed it.you clearly have been effected emsionally and physically so I do hope your claiming!

Keep positive and a pj day isnt a bad thing lol kick back and chill its christmas x

Hi S

Sorry to hear of your accident and glad you weren't seriously hurt. As CW says don't underestimate the trauma it may have caused.

You are most definitely a fighter young lady and I see you moving forward everyday no matter what c**P gets thrown your way... you should be very proud of your progress. 🙂

Wishing you the most wonderful 2017!

Cathyx

hopeful soul wrote: Hello diary! Another day is here....&....still in my PJ's :-/...whoopy doo me! Looked up local AA so if i gather my bravery & commitment (seem to lack these recently) i shall go to at least socialise a lil.. Anyway, no gambling to report. Truly hope it stays this way as sitting at home i find it a struggle & urges are here...after half a year i don't feel I'm nowhere near closer in learning my behaviours/reactions to situations. Work in progress tho...one day at a time Stay well all S x

Hi s

thinking of you at this time and please let us know how your aa journey goes. Its part of you and i hope a part that gets the support it needs. happy new year hon. tri

Thank you so much lovely people ☺

Hello diary,

Well..last day of 2016. Following the trend and looking back then 😀

Remember last NYE texting Sesuo and agreeing for better communication throughout the year lol..that means beat the 1000 's emails from last year :-D...didn't happen & quite opposite actually. With me hardly accepting change i ranted & raved and got moody & scared of loosing the best friend. What i have learned from it, words can hurt but the deeper meaning lies beneath them. Knowing that person is here unconditionally and accepting such statement has been a breaking point for me...it took a while, nearly a year lol...but i find myself at the stage where i can "go with a flow" knowing that friendship is solid and there are no hidden intentions of dumping me cause of my character or personality i carry..i am indeed work in progress, not many stuck around to learn to see true me....thanks girl.

Sooo..year started with me getting P****d on New year's eve and going to work the next day hangover. Not something uplifting as a NY resolution huh.
Many things happened over the year...AA meetings i failed to stick to, excessive vollunteering which died down rapidly over the last few months (i still am blessed to be part of such organisation), Moonwalk in London tipu tapuing all night for a good cause, Mummy's desire to leave us behind but being helped out by professionals (she is back into care again....my thoughts and well wishes with her), me going bk home for holiday for what seemed like forever & my fear of insecurity being faced head on, me changing job...me trying to relocate & applying for my own house...me trying to find "the one" but still failing, me meeting an amazing person (big bad wolf ;-))) ) i appreciate until this day...thanks Dan...thanks for every word we shared, ...& finally...me getting so low & wanting to take my own life....me reaching out for help of GP....& me having a flashback of my entire life in the space of 3 seconds & having an opportunity to stick around for a lil longer...

It has been stressful, challenging, educational, optimistic, pessimistic and happy/sad year...but all in all - very rewarding!!!!
Many lessons learned in this time...my constant relapses "career" ended in June & i am greatful for that ☺

Whatever next year brings i shall take on the chin, ...i think this year i have learned the most important lesson - anything if possible if you put your heart & soul to it!

Happy New Year everyone, stay safe and well...life is your oyster - embrace the change ☺

Never perfect but always learning on a way

- Coo-coo (Sandra x)

You have had a very dramatic year, mate. Lots of intense experiences and emotions. I feel next year will be better.

I totally identify with your experiences with men. I, too, long for real love where the person is crazy about my heart and my soul. s*x is supposed to be a sacred thing. It has become like a cup of coffee - not always appreciated, handled with care, done mindfully or ethically sourced! haha. I was lucky enough to find a lover this year who was very affectionate and caring. Who connected with me and we would look into each others eyes while we did it. Who really loved who I was and treated me with respect during sexual moments. It turned out he couldn't handle the storms I was experiencing and did a runner but he was tender and genuine and when I'm in a relationship like that, my low s*x drive becomes higher. It's quality over quantity for me these days. Every time. Quick fumbles without genuine connection does nothing for me.

Sounds like you need someone who just accepts you as you are, who really cares about you as a person. A special person to help you heal some of the relationship traumas.

So glad you are safe and in one piece. Try to remember these feelings of gratitude that you are still here when the demons raise their ugly heads.

Lots of love, my sister

f x

Hi Sandra.
You're not misleading anyone
I no many a member who play the lottery and they have multiple year's on there day counter.

The day counter for me means nothing it doesn't represent who or were I am.

What I will say is stop giving yourself a hard time and cut yourself some slack.

The challenge is more of a group support network.
And I'm hoping that you will continue on the challenge

Supporting each other is what it's all about

Best wishes
Deano

Thaks Freda and Deano,

Deano, i hear you! I am kind to myself however at this moment in time i am doing what i think is only fair for me and others. I shall be back on the challenge if i feel it's one of my ways forward later in the year.
You're all doing amazingly well & if i can, i shall help and support you all on a way ☺..we are reaching for the same goal huh ;-)))

Dear diary,

Nice day today. A little run to stretch these muscles and even if sweared under my breath like no tommorow - i somehow completed 4miles run..well happy ☺..it's been a while since i got out and this proves that my accident didn't exactly "dismantled" me completely.
My sister and nephew come round also! How amazing is to cook for others! o*g!!! I hardly touched the food but seing them eating (& "risking" of being poisoned...bahhh..me is not the best cook) was the best feeling in the world! Something switched in my lil boy and for some reason he plans/offers/suggests/invites me everywhere possible. Warms my heart to be honest...i can feel the bond! He is one awesome boy and hell...i will spend every single possible minute with him!
My sister is a star!!! She is amazing & i love her to bits too...i hardly appreciated such bond before...for some reason i see her in a lil different light now. She does struggle deep inside but man i wish i had her strength! Such a character!!! Deffo made of steel ☺

Mummy is in care and being looked after..it was nice to speak to her today!
Not much else has changed around me..slowly standing back up. Caught up with awesome Irene yesterday and it was so so good to touch base with me wee pal again (those little things in life huh). Also spoke to another mate today and she is another angel in my life!

I am simply blessed. I truly am.

Still off work and still many stuff to sort out...however, i take what I'm given recently & that is connection i appreciate the most! It makes you feel Gooooooooooddddddddd ;-))

One day at a time - no gambling to report!

Stay well all

S x

Rant alert,

So so stressed out and can't stop crying cause bloody useless insurance companies just messing me around! All bloody day i have spent on the phone (god knows what phone bill is awaiting) back & forwards...the same s*** over and over again.

It's like vicious cycle. Can't even cancel the bloody thing cause that's another 100 quid!! That's not normal at all!
Ending up having to pay massive excess for new insurance plus monthly instalments trippled!
No courtesy car cause...ohhh..it's been over 7 days & we did correspondent straight away! My bloody a*** as i just today got letter offering such services!.. are they forgetting that not many ppl works over Xmas and more importantly no mail exchange going around during then?! Are they having a laugh here..

Thank you soooooooo much dear driver putting me in this situation. I am not even sure what's going on with work, i spend my savings just so i can get back on a bloody road and all that mortgage stuff on top of my head!
f**k knows where I'm about to move as the insurance for that address will be humongous! Like extra grand! w*f?

Can't do this anymore!!! Beaten mentally & physically, paying out stuff which shouldn't b down to me to pay out!
& to top it off - sister rings up & shouts at me for crying!

Yeah, i might be useless..i know nothing...i only let everyone rip me off..but that's just how my life goes.

Don't want new place, don't want my job...don't want anything..it's all b******t!

Just truly don't want any of this. Money bas***d kills ya inside out for sure. Money ffs...

Mite aswell find balls to go and gamble so everything is completely ruined. What's a point in trying with saving every single penny when they just come along and rip ya off from those tiny scrappy savings!

Bull...

Rant over diary..bk to Ms tt... :((((

It's never easy dealing with these kinds of companies but they is absolutely no point in letting it stress you as hard as that is. Keep details of all the things you have had to pay out maybe you could get some of this back at a later date.

I do see a massive positive in all this because you've not been drawn in to them slits for over 6 months you had the savings there to be able to use, yes it would be lovely to still have them or use them for something for you but rainy day money is for the times when you have a big downpour.

I'm sure your go gambling was slightly in jest but if not you know that it's not the solution and will only bring more misery to you.

Take care Hun have to dash Im off to GA and think it might be a tricky one tonight.

Hope you're having a better day today. Don't let the b'stards grind you down!! I know it's hard and mega frustrating, but this too will pass. At least you had the money there as a safety net. And if you use them up, you can replenish them again. Next time round you'll be spending them on something more pleasant, but just think how stressed you'd have been if you didn't have the money there but still needed to pay it all out.

You're having a tough time at the moment. It won't always be like this. Keep breathing. Keep safe. And keep doing the things that help, not the things that don't. xx

Thank you both ☺

Yes, i do feel better today LB! Self pitty party with all the coffee, tea & biscuits & a chocolate cake as desert (not forgetting party poppers) finished early last night. Took myself to bed with a book and deep breaths! (Can't help but blame my hormones on "cousin" too...ladies might understand this one)

Cannot see properly today & god knows why tears just didn't stop yesterday but that's what happens to me if i get upset with myself! Like a wailing/ sobbing crocodile shedding the tears in all directions!

Financial issues has got to me...& no...it wasn't spare money...it was hard saved pennies &....i am actually short for all i have to pay out shortly but hay ho..i am still employed (i think) & will be back on my feet by summer i hope.

Today is another day and another opportunity to look at life through glass half full...i shall take it! I didn't make matters worse emotionally or physically and am facing today head on.

Thank you again for the support and sorry for my rant yesterday..it has helped me a lil...if i didn't put my emotions down on paper/cyber space i think i would of exploded 🙁

Here is for a better day ahead ☺

No addictions will be present!

S x

So it's interesting one dear diary, maybe not for many but it is for me.

Urges...felt them for a few days now. What did i do today? ...umm..pretty normal day with steps made up to town to see sister (daily accurance recently :-0..she is off work tho so will be ok as of next week ...*huge smile* lol..)..
It was way better day than few days ago...yet..why did i search for gambling sites? Why i played "demo" modes and why the hell i wanted the buzz as i did before? I knew i won't deposit..few reasons over there but the main point is the urge...the action and the thought! Well P****d off with myself now.. :-/
Same feelings...same heart skipping the beat " for bonus to come along", same boredom & same excitement. I got my fix...i simply got it knowing its "fake" one.
I could blame some stuff of my emotions..starting from boredom of being off, to...Reading some posts on here. I have to admit some of them triggers me..however what i also have to admit is that it is my choice of whatever i do!
Why? Why after so many months devil decided to visit again?
Same feeling...no messages answered for a time being..why?..because i was "busy"..consumed in devil act!

I am kind of sinking but also swimming against the current. I just feel it..strange isn't it?!...to feel it coming to get you!

Must look for help. Chat online helped a little. I related to hurt hearts of f&f's & recovering CG's...i thank you for your shares.

Life goes on...soon be time to get back to work...i need to get back there..time off hurts me.

Stay well all & thank you diary

* also sorry for sounding low..i guess i am just in the process of understanding my actions today...& they're not too cheery :-/

S x

Ps. Won't lie if i say that the urge lasts more than a minute, an hour or day...please please...all who is reading -stay on your guard as urges are sneaky and just "waits" to pounce even after few days or a week...it lives within us! It simply does....outside help is necessary, this is not a game - it's our life! YOUR life dear reader!

Morning Sesuo, I may be giving you a private flogging later but for now wanted to publicly post that most relapses seem to be precipitated. People getting their cards back, watching loved ones gamble, searching for sites, playing demo games...We're addicts it's what we are up against but it doesn't control us, we are responsible for our own actions & we must accept what we are planning & nip it in the bud!

You have the choice to re-set & start again or continue down this path of destruction which will literally destroy everything you have fought so hard for.

Keep making the right choice - ODAAT

It's good that you've recognised the urges and come on here. It's positive that you can see the triggers. Don't press the f.ook it button S. You'll regret it, you know you will. Those feelings of despair, self loathing...you don't want to go back there. I know you've been having a tough time and it's not like everything's rosy, but you'll feel so much worse if you add slots on top of it. Whatever/whoever's upset you...don't give them your power. Don't throw it all away now. You've worked too hard and come too far.Talk to Kelly, Dan, the helpline, come on here, put some blocks on, go for a walk (or a run if you're able). Shout, scream, cry. Do whatever you need to do, but stay away from self destructing.

Thank you ladies ☺

I guess i am just reflecting today. Not sure what went over me yesterday but just shows that me feeling " i don't see it as an option anymore" didn't last long. It just came back and tried it's power on me.
Today i feel better. I decluttered the house (man...how much stuff i had!), plenty of cleaning and walk in fresh air. These helped me. Refused another meeting with sister as truly felt like needed my own space. Had a good relaxing bath and cooked dinner! (Again).

I for some reason am taking my life for granted. Very quickly forget how far i have come and how much i have achieved. It just doesn't come natural for me...i am thankful for being reminded of good stuff in my life today ☺

Sooo..recovery is going steady. Hand almost healed and i guess i will only have few scars as a reminder of my lucky escape, back not so good but trying to do my stretches which does help.

Ohhh..i came out clean to my friend today. (My date lol). It feels good and like weight gone off my shoulders! He gambles "responsibly" and i kind of warned of the dangers of loosing control. I should know better...i know better 🙁

Anyway, all is clear and safe over here so better put a movie on and have the rest of the evening as it should be - calm/relaxed and peaceful.

Thank you again girls, i shall not let myself nor any of you down.

One day at a time

I am the one in control of my actions

S x