...

Great post San. Very thought provoking and I imagine the sentiments resonate with others beside myself.

Take care to be kind and considerate to yourself, the planet and all the sentient beings who call it home.

I hope the angels and holy beings shine down on you today and everyday. I try to imagine the Buddha Tara is there to guide me on this journey and I enjoy reciting the Buddhist Mantras silently in my mind when thoughts start to stray or if I feel threatened by unwanted thoughts and emotions. I particularly enjoy listening to Tina Turner on youtube chanting the Nam Myoho Renge Kyo mantra....stephen x

So lovely to read (((S)))!

Cathyx

Happy to hear that you are learning self love and acceptance. That is a big step. You are right words written or typed are not enough to convey the emotion and intent behind. I really hope you are getting some face to face support on your journey. Support and accountability are important!

My son ended up in a treatment center (after another rock-bottom) and we (his family) had taken away every other option (no money, no coming home to live, no more "loans" until payday). It was the best thing that has happened to him and us. He had also developed a drinking addiction over the last few years. The facility he went to was very 12 step based and he finally was ready to surrender. He came home and you can just see and feel the difference. He actually has chosen to attend AA meetings for now as he feels it is more structured. He has a sponsor and goes to 6 meetings a week.

I continue to go to Gam Anon and keep trying to improve myself. I don't know if that feeling of worrying about a relapse will ever disappear but it does seem to be taking up less and less space in my head so that is a definite improvement.

Please keep working on recovery Sandra. I know it's such a difficult road but you are so worth it.

Much love to you

Cathyx

Sans my friend it is good to see you are in a good place. Enjoying happy times with your love ones, peaceful and contented.

I always look forward to your musical recommendations which you seem to have neglected of late!

Wishing you well...stephen x

Keep going 🙂

Cathyx

Hope you're ok x

Hi Sand, im back and not pleased about it, trying to pull myself up . Regards B

Hi diary and most importantly - hi you lil one!

Popped back on here because it's so much to do with you.

After hitting a wall with exhaustion and reappearing mild depression I had to do something to help myself. Started with a chat with Samaritans gone weekend. Speaking to a stranger sometimes can be the best thing to help yourself. It is almost putting pros and cons in front of you and figuring out what's next. I wasn't suicidal even if i probably sounded like that walking alongside traffic for hours ...being asked where i am I also felt like on a MisPer list. ..but I was fine..I was just walking the circumstances given.

I am pleased to say I found a lot of care and love for you. I finally made a step and went to speak to my boss yesterday. Jumped through few loops/ procedure and went straight higher up...with a thought of quitting or, most likely as it turned out asking for help. An hour later the room was full of laughter and silly jokes. Not what I was expecting at all.

It was very important for me touch the subject about work experience triggering my past trauma. I am so greatful that the person listened. ..and of course, there is help out there to manage those feelings. And so i am taking that help on.

So "how can we help you and how can you help yourself?'. I heard this phrase before following my relocation discussion. This is a lot to think about and find alternatives in regards of helping myself.

I didn't realise that I'm perceived as perfectionist also. I am far away from it and never want to be one, i am only hard on myself..I'm hard on you and you deffo deserve better. I will keep making mistakes, who doesn't. Every day is a learning curve from work to life. Finding the balance in caring for yourself by keeping doing the right thing.

I am just greatful that I talked. Therapy I long almost every day. Esp now when I work on my own...there are more thoughts going round this head and I truly know that I need to get them out.

You never liked to talk, possibly cause nobody listened..but was it what you kept telling yourself all your life? Human race has to communicate, has to laugh, rest, love themselves. And you're no different.

Talk, express yourself don't shy away or isolate. Those are the biggest negatives you could bring upon yourself. You have a choice..I have a choice and with the help of God I will try to make the right one...for us both.

Much love

S&B xx

Hi diary, hi you

Coming and posting today feels like dejavu! Like I did this before. Not like posting in general but coming here at this time, on this diary, in this mindset...happened before...I can feel it. Spooky indeed.

So few days ago I truly pushed myself and asked for help. I thing the hardest thing was to do so at work. ..but I was reaching the state of collapsing within, i also felt the walls crumbling and ground dissapearing from underneath. I absolutely love my job but the way it made me feel really was a challenging times to navigate. Of course I didn't help myself with poor choices I made alongside.

I figured if not now then never. And I either address my issues (once more) or let myself sink completely. I lost hope also. The worst thing which could happen for a person. I was at the state where i needed just a chat...even with stranger on the street..any affirmation that things are not as bad as I keep telling myself...but again, i had to approach such help and support...I did i think. From GC NetLine, to Samaritans and now work.

Today I woke up to a text from work. My heart did few somersoults and I thought...no, don't let work get into your mind, lifestyle, struggles. But then again, ...do I really want to back down? ..no, i want this to work! Truly do. ..and so my expectations and dread about proffesional environment was soon demolished as the person kindly asked to meet up for a coffee..can come to my house or we can arrange something. This threw me a little. I remembered how confidential all this is going to be. ..and I feel at peace a little Now.. I will give this a go. I asked for help, i will accept it.

I also thought about addressing my drinking again. The thing is, it's not getting out of control by amounts I consume..I have very little as am not capable to handle much due to tiredness I suppose however, what it does to my mind started to ring few warning bells again. When I drink I become someone else. That's then all the back forwards with this place starts, that's when I lose my rag, i gain attitude and depression. Not healty..not at all. I isolate then more too.

I even thought of contacting my former sponsor but it's fear of rejection again. Not sure how it works in fellowship, can I rekindle what I had? Even if I just invite her round for a coffee and chat?...not sure if worth popping the question. It's been two years of silence after all...

So all in all things are looking up. Support from work, hopefully will hear from counsellor soon and a possibility of getting in contact with AA members....

Thought for the day - " Ask and you will be given".

No gambling.

Blessings

S&B xx

Hi ya... and I hear your thoughts. Sometimes I find that I just need someone to talk to and suddenly my problems, fears and anxieties just melt away. I certainly realise that one of my issues is too much isolation. Left alone to ones thoughts... addiction loves that. Glad you felt able to open up to work. I'd imagine that in your profession support options would be readilly available.

I find that people are always using me as a listening ear.. sometimes its fine, cos am actually quite interested in peoples lives and sometimes I get some tips (so to speak) about how to improve my life, but sometimes the timing is wrong. I hate it when folks start telling me all there problems when weve just started a work shift.. thats a very selfish thing to do.. atleast wait to we are on break.

Anyway, have a good day.. its actually quite a good running day I think... once one has warmed up of course... S.a 🙂 x

So I'm being put back on moderation. Not a happy bunny because it set quite strong panic attack in me which still lasts for 3 hrs. Shocked me actually.

I get that I come & go,..I truly do. But that's my way of being a addict and dealing with myself. Who do I hurt at the end of the day?..me...& only me. Nobody else gives a S***e on here so I don't see why my posts should be moderated again.

It's hard when freedom of speech is taken away. I feel like a prisoner...I feel like I did something wrong.

Is it wrong of me being me? You accept me or not, this is who I am.

I don't feel I am disrespectful for other site users. It's quite the opposite.

I am a lost cause but ....GC, please leave it with me. I do also have a right at recovery. ..or haven't i?

Ha SA! Thanks dear friend..no running for me and probably no gym for a while as I truly hurt my back last night...and neck..and shoulder feels like popped out :-/...but, ..it is what it is.. as long as no hospital visit required lol.

I was just on a NetLine but phone died due to no battery life so a little bahh because it was good conversation I had and it was benefiting me greatly! Thank you Helen once again, i truly appreciated it.

Back home now...well, second home so to speak. Will go back home home (where i reside lol) Later on when pick up my car from the garage.

Work support is coming to me next week. Scared for some reason but talk I must!..it is one of the best therapies huh.

For now..I'm knackered...shift was full on ... need some rest. Got two best fury companions warming my feet already and so Zzz zzz shouldn't be hard to achieve.

Hope you enjoy your run, it is indeed cold outside!..but, as soon as we get moving - we soon warm up 🙂

Nite from me, blessings.

Ps. To all the women - have a wonderful woman's day today. Keep shining that light to the universe.

Day at a time

Hi diary,

Another day notched up. Feel like caught up with sleep but am still stressed. Eye is twitching and that is a sign of me being a little disbalanced.

Had a gentle session at the gym but cannot use 100% strength. Not sure how I managed to pull my back and neck.

Hoping for a peaceful evening. Gambling did cross my mind briefly but that is expected since I have time on my hands...and money...(borrowed).

That is it for now,

Stay safe all, blessings

S&B xx

Ok diary,

So after a lot of consideration and hours of trying to accept the obvious, i am actually feeling calmer within myself.

I did and say few things which are not acceptable. I acted like a child, i broke the rules of GC...the agreement both parties put in place.

For me moving away is the hardest hurdle to get over. I just feel rejected and that rejection stems from a early childhood. Not even sure why I carry that heavy rucksack with me all my life.

Trying to turn negatives into positives. ..where is a will there is a way. Maybe just maybe exploring my horizon is all I need. I'm just not good with a change...and letting go of that comfort blanket huh..that's quite a challenge too.

No matter which path I choose, i just want to help myself. I guess we all do.

Peace is all we all deserve. Peace is achievable if we look at ways of finding it.

I wish you all well, Stay safe, Stay commited, keep winning for real.

S&B xx

I typed a long post then it disappeared, ugh! Just checking in to say well done for taking help and asking - the hard part!

f x

PS do you have a second dog also now?