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Afternoon diary,

Bearing in mind I had around 3 hrs sleep, long journey back home...i somehow managed to kill it at a gym, have quick dins dins and about to go for a nap till evening before I set off for another nightshifter.

I honestly don't know what shifted, changed or flipped over but I am extremely full of life recently! It is definitely not an existentce and something so much more. I feel light in my soul and I don't feel like i am not carrying heavy weight anymore.

Of course every day is different but .... something is in the air lol...something out of this world to feel this good and peaceful within.

Please dear Lord, keep helping me to recover and reach for those stars I so deserve as everyone else in this life.

Much blessings all, keep being kind to yourselves ❤

And of course my choice of song for today...S.O.S..(a banger so keep tune on a low volume)

https://youtu.be/u8tdT5pAE34

Avicii - never forgotten...RIP ?❤

Thankyou for that link Sandra, I felt quite emotional watching the video, listening to the music and reading the tributes from his loving fans. So very sad that his life ended so abruptly.

I am pleased you are responding to life's challenges in a positive way. "Life is not a highway strewn with flowers but still it holds a goodly share of bliss." I wish I had a shilling for every time I have heard that song.

Very impressed with your exercise routines at the gym. Well done.

I trust Bella is happy and well. No doubt she will be looking forward to many walks in the park during the summer. I hope you don't come across that dog who attacked her again, that must have been a terrible experience for both of you.

Thankyou for "Never Give Up" by Sia. Great music which I added to my playlist.

Take care, keep smiling and always look on the bright side ...Stephen x 

Hi diary...and thank you Stephen - reposted ❤

Hitting a little low today but it's understandable, just a rollercoaster of life. 

I noticed a trigger few hours ago. For the first time, seing an advert brought quite strong urges on. Just a game or two I used to like the most. Suddenly I miss them ??. 

Could I control it? No.

Would it bring devastation crashing on? Yes

Would I regret? - yes.

Do i want to be kind to myself? - yes

Can I do it then?..........

Well, that's where my thought are. Urges...I miss piece of me I know I cannot bring back to life. 

Other contributors: tired, had nightmares this morning and also had sleep paralysis. Didn't recover 100% but hopefully sleep tonight will help me out massively...back on the road to recovery - physically & mentally.

I would just like to speak to someone...I just have no one to discuss this with. 

It's tough tonight...but minute at a time.

S&B ?❤

Afternoon diary,

So day 80 ( or as it says on a counter...79 but will change in few hours ? for an unknown reason...telling ya, it's spooky movement in time going on)

So, slept a lot better and feel a lot more rested accordingly. Urges gone for now but it's dangerous times as I am on days off. Socializing is still not appealing and I'm kind of ok with that. I guess you get stuck in the rut on living in your own world. Isolation is very dangerous for mind but I've been like that for over 2 years and i guess kind of got used to it.

Saying that I started to long a partner lol. Maybe panic setting in with age now and am thinking if I will always be single....idk, maybe universe has something planned or maybe not. I just need to accept the reality for now. Besides I hardly ever had healthy relationships and need to work on myself before making any sudden changes and letting a soul in my life...but again, how can I work on it if I have no one to see how I get on lol...hmmmm..

Anyhow, another day. 

Had a good walk with lil one. Found quite good patch of field near by and let her get loose for some excersice. She has put weight on, bless her...I tried to put raincoat for walkies yesterday but it doesnt fit anymore as her belly/ chest has ballooned so suddenly. She likes her food & sleep but excersice is a must to keep it all balanced...so regime shall be changing shortly and back on the running spree she goes. Since the attack I hardly let her off the lead which doesn't help and chasing her round the house/ garden is truly not the same as running free will and picking speed up. ..so yes, i am glad I found a place to faciliate such freedom for her ❤. Besides that smile....nothing can't beat the view of her happiness at those moments of freedom.

What next? Gym I suppose and gardening. One of the massive hedge is almost crossing the path to the garden and so I decided to get rid of it. A bit of transformation to the garden...a change is always good ?

That's about it. All I ok in da hood, almost balanced out and as long as I keep being kind to me, i shall be winning this good fight!

Blessings ❤?

Keep going, boredom is a huge factor, stay with it.

Hi diary & thanks hollycrosser,

Rain..still so not fond of it! However found walkies earlier quite relaxing. Came back soaked but there was a element of peace while walking..besides it was good to have a chuckle seeing little lady doing zoomies to help her dry out ?

Awful sleep again and it's no fun to wake up @ 3am and think about work ?..Yes..eyes rolling indeed...as soon as I woke up I also fired my emails and am confident I would of got a slap on these fine  wrists if any colleagues knew lol...i just cant help it...i still hope that with time i will learn to leave work at work however im still not at that stage. ..

Well, ..house cleaned and washing done. Truly want (don't!!) go to the gym but am selfishly blaming weather. Still trying to find motivation. I thought I got it back maybe 10mins ago but it's gone again!

Also experiencing urges. Not very strong but thoughts comes and goes. Maybe boredom something to do with it?..yes, i guess A LOT to do with it. 

Well Mr Gamble....I am on a journey to reclaiming my life so thank you very much for your offer of "feel good" emotions which no doubt will end up in tears, stress, and suicidal thoughts. ...I shall pass for today, i choose life...I choose battle of my own without added stresses you would bring. I fight hard enough as it is...and I am determined to help myself even one tiny bit rather than go the full circle again with heavy feelings you always bring.

I will NOT gamble today....I will NOT hurt myself again...simply because I am worth more than that!

S&B xx

Yep they creep up, I talk to the gambling demon, it’s not getting me this time.

walking is a good way to de stress, not today like 

Hi S,

I totally agree with what you say about the motivation and addictiveness of getting fitter at the gym. I have joined the gym and my progress has been slower for various reasons but it feels good to be doing something constructive and being the best you can be. I think it replaces some of what we got destructively from gambling but it's good for us.

Posted by: freda

Hi S,

I totally agree with what you say about the motivation and addictiveness of getting fitter at the gym. I have joined the gym and my progress has been slower for various reasons but it feels good to be doing something constructive and being the best you can be. I think it replaces some of what we got destructively from gambling but it's good for us.

 

Ditto hun! It can get addictive but kind of for a good reason...still, balance is essential as everywhere in life.

 I am learning to take breaks from it. I am very aware body/muscles/heart and all the organs lol  needs to recover and too much excersice is hardly gonna give any fruits...

Soooo..I took my own advice to you today and had day of relaxation for me! For my wellbeing and care. A good cooked meal (chicken My fav),  a bath...and maybe meditation but presently wired up to good dj set lol...will see how it goes.

Also went for a walk with lil lady (yes she is gorgeous right! ?) and it was amazing...pure freedom..in a rain. We went round the river bank and it was so nice to see her enjoying herself. Rain didn't matter...suddenly feel good emotions overtakes the gloom of mother nature. Saying that, mother nature presented with quite amazing views...raindrops in a river..somehow calming and peaceful...

My girl took a plunge for some stone fishing too...?....we both got in soaked but so so much more relaxed and happy.

I am strangely enjoying life?! Not sure what's going on..and yes, i have many worries around me but maybe just maybe I started to learn to enjoy the moment...life...belonging in this universe. Priceless, so glad to be part of this experience ❤

Happy birthday again hun...????❤

Ps not sure why H u n is eddited ?

Awww, lovely to hear you in such a good place. I just read a post where you put a link to a song for me. New Rules, Dua Lipa - yep, bang on of course! haha! Didn't see it at the time you posted. 

Urges to try to get close to a man who is distant and aloof again but learning from mistakes and sitting back and managing that attachment. It's all about attachment for me. Cannot have certain types or personalities too close. I continue to treat them as addictions. Repeating unhealthy patterns, trying to get love out of people that are hard work and withhold approval. I am learning and getting better every day. Gradually steering bad tendencies the other way. 

Thanks Freda...yes, the list on the main page was created at a time of where we all stood, at a time i guess..I like that song and hope you enjoyed listening to it too ?

Now, good place...oh the irony! Lol..to be honest I hit quite a low yesterday. Few contributions to my emotional state and not gonna lie, one of them was alcohol. I already started a battle not to pick up a glass tonight,...but I cannot promise.

The thing is, i battled to get back on a forum like no tomorrow. While everyone was descending the ship of new platform I was like a rat trying to get back even swimming against the current. 

With a bit of talking to about rules, etiquettes and how I should be more considerate of others mental/ emotional state, i was granted a welcome back.

The emotions yesterday but me right back to the start. To the conversations, reasoning and points why I wanted to get back on. 

Balance. That's what I need. Take it or leave it. Take a break or post. Engage or observe. 

I somehow still struggle with these. And can't help but ask what is wrong with me?

Very little still can get under my skin. On the other hand, i am able to stay neutral and emotionless (something I had to learn in my walk of life) too.

I feel a little at the crossroads again. Lonely, peed off with myself and again, a little depressed. 

Trying to think back to last week. What brought me such joy and peace. Little things...I guess I just stopped overthinking briefly and lived for myself and my own struggles. These kind of helped because my problems are not elephant sized and all has solutions. 

I'm ranting ..but I am being honest. The storm has calmed down in today's light but somehow I don't feel settled. It's like boat was rattled and sea of emotions still dont let me let go....letting go huh..another task I need to learn to master, simply let go.

All is good. May reach out to someone today or maybe just go to the gym and run this off. 

Bahhh, recovery..ups and downs..

Day 82, no gambling. Things could be a lot worse, a lot a lot worse. Be greatful crazy gal, be greatful for what you have and accept the variety of emotions life brings. (This was self chat, please don't think I call you names f).

S&B xx

Evening diary,

All is calm again  over here....good (massive) session at the gym to put the world to its rights again and a good relaxing walk with little lady was a icing on the cake ?

Again, how greatful I am for her. ..I cannot express the feeling and maybe it's a good thing, its eternal love I'm on about ❤

One more day off to get over and I'm back to bussiness of life. That's how it feels presently. I feel myself when I'm at work but at the same time I know I don't drink whilst on the set so guess it's massive for me.

I struggle on days off. I do get very lonely and out of place but again, its something for me to sort out...who else than me huh

Again, All is great. No gambling. Lil lady by my side and good sleep lined up with the grace of God...hope no nightmares tonight...

Stay safe all, keep winning for real, excell in your beings ?..you're worth it.

G'night diary ❤?

Hi diary,

This is going to be interesting one. I am still kind of shaking with disbelief...

Let me start at the beggining. 

For a couple of weeks now I noticed myself shifting a little. I didn't overthink much and most importantly I felt I am de attached from emotion. I was celebrating this...yes, i was. I was riding on this high horse not giving a thought to anyone except my lil girl..I never felt like that before and almost  felt invincible now not being a prisoner to my own emotions...no flashbacks, no deep emotion, not much feelings. "Cool", i thought to myself.  Maybe this is new person I always searched for. I can deal with this and be "cold" to outside hurt, anger, emotions.

Very new and strange feeling not to feel much...I didn't see it as problem and most definitely it didn't hurt anyone else either. I was simply living my life, drama free..and then I had to deal with drama - I dealt with it in cool and hardly soul touching way. .

So why you're typing this, you may ask diary...

Well,..I had a counselling session today...And my ego, personal beliefs or new found resilience...my defence wall I built so suddenly and without even planning - came crashing down. In 5 minutes my counsellor stripped me down to raw emotion I can't remember feeling! 

I was ranting and sharing how good is not to feel, only to be shot down by few questions and thruth in my face: " you're running from yourself, you burry your feelings, you wear a mask, you're using as defence mechanism so you don't need to process feelings. My own question came in a game then too: "Why would you drink excessively then if all is as amazing as you say?..Bammmmm! Just like that.

Yes i cried. I cried for myself because I don't recognise myself. I cried for my vulnerabilities I so try to hide, i cried for so unhappy life I lead, i cried for younger me who is left with that gaping wound I tend to patch up with plasters over and over again...I cried alongside the raw pain I suddenly felt..the anger, devastation and lost hope! I cried for being at a loss, for being so weak not to process my life properly...I cried for pretending to be someone I am not, i cried for a change I somehow managed to force upon myself....

I did inwardly put myself in the state of despair immediately and when counsellor asked me "what is your next goal, what would you like in life"...I gave up the fight with myself...I said "I want to give up"...this obviously came as a surprise for me and I believe her...I was raging inside at myself and that moment in time I wanted to give up..give up the fight..give up trying, give up hope and give up being.

I was exposed and that brought fear and vulnerability over. I had nowhere to run. I still have nowhere to run but to deal with it all.

I stand here all exposed and quite frankly hurting...hurting for younger me. Hurting for not being brave enough to deal with life on life's terms. 

I still can't believe I managed to talk myself into the lies of no emotions. Now there is two sides to such feeling. I, in a way try to protect myself this way which is all good and caring but on the other hand, i block emotions which are healthy for me...for my own welbeing because emotion is part of life. Emotion IS life...posibility of new feelings, new begginings, new happiness and maybe new pain..as it is in every day life.

Phew...this had to go somewhere and so here you go diary...all in your capable hands lol...I still feel like I'm passing a baton instead of dealing with all this by myself.

I stand here with the main question outstanding - who am I and am I the person i should of always been?..no masks, no walls, no escape routes..just raw me.....

S&B xx

Hi S&B

Great post which I can relate to very well.

Firstly from the outside it’s clear that the whole process you are currently going through is entirely healthy, even if it’s painful. Gambling for some of us has certainly been a way to conceal our emotional life and as you can see from many diaries here, abstinence forces us to start looking at ourselves as we begin to realign.

 I think you have to go through the process of self forgiveness and unburdening yourself of any residual shame and even start truly liking yourself. It’s hard and in practice I am far far away from emotional normalcy. I could never deal well with highs or lows and have always buried everything. I too look back on my younger self- but you know we have to start liking the present and our selves now.

So thinking about your last question I think you will start finding the answers when you begin to stop fighting as you put it - that is if you begin to stop fighting the things that are good for you and begin to accept yourself. But right now you are doing great. You are going through the process of recovery/discovery and it’s all going to take time. What we know for sure as cg’s is that through all of this stuff, gambling just makes things a whole lot worse!

Oh and don’t be too hard on yourself!

Best wishes 

Rob