...

?..maybe senior admin meant December the 1st 2021? ?

Hi San,

You're right this lockdown's done some damage & it sometimes feels there's little room for optimism. Despite this sometimes at the end of the day if you can take a few minutes to reflect you can find at least one positive. I did last night before I climbed the wooden hill, the positive thing for me yesterday was YOU turned up on the chat. It was great to see you.

Best Wishes

AL

Thank you so much Al & Admin..much love

Diary,

Today i feel unsettled. I cannot pin point the feeling..just uneasy. ..you see...i hardly have emotions anymore...except for lil girl and parents...and i kinda live with it as a part of my life cycle these days...but...

Last week i spoke to someone...and helped out my peers with them too...this week i come in to work and learn the news...now...yesterday i was fine..it was kinda..slight shock and saddness..yet, today i have many q marks over my head..its like, it only now sank in..delayed reaction/shock?

Did i say something wrong or didn't i say something enough?..these are the worst...the questions. I dont even know the person but i had a contact...no matter how small...we laughed..ive seen their eyes, ive seen life..

Today i spent almost two hours on a journey back home and just couldn't get rid of these q marks...its quite difficult i must say. ..

.....they reminded me of someone pretry important in my life, ..same body features and those wrinkles under the eyes..it truly hit me last week..the resemblance...maybe whats why it's kinda affecting me today?

That's why i avoid human contact...because God forbid...how much falls on your shoulders when you get at least a little involved..

Ok..anyway...umm, not even half way through the week!..am tired indeed.

I have urges today, yes i do..but i shall lean on my other crutches for a time being, at least to help & ride this sadness & q marks away.

I will attempt gym tom...that's all i can do...just try my best.

Stay safe all...there is light at the end of the tunnel..no matter how dimmed at a time..never give up that hope.

S&B xx

I like this song..?

https://youtu.be/CpkZfkxdj2c

Diary,

Very short and sweet. 

Managed gym and already feel pain all over ? must of been good session!

This time last year i was in one of the most healthiest positions...almost perfect i must say..(as we know..there is no perfection!). Loved my body and how it changed through hard work and dedication.

Goal for this, coming year. ...to get into that place again. Anything is possible if we put our minds and hearts to it (& hard work indeed)

Have a safe day all, im off to work ?

One day at a time

S&B xx

Ps. I will catch up with diarists in due course..somehow didnt find time so far...Priorities....????? ☺??

Hi diary,

It has been another interesting day. Challenging - yes. Sad and thoughtful - yes!...strangely uplifting - also yes...so a mix of things really.

Didn't realise that its almost time for remortgage stuff but glad financial adviser got in touch! ..sounds like im in good position with rates so i shall take it!

It was nice to see some snow today..not so nice to drive in it..and deffo not nice seeing others hurt on the roads cause of it & the lack of attention of road users....?..this was sad part of the day.

So, am over half way through my working week and Monday just round the corner...finally! I am tired but also on a bit of autopilot ?..when you go...you just go.. 

Time to do what i do to chill & relax and then sleepies.

Stay safe...keep common sense pls...

S&B xx

Feel so so low and i think having panic attack. My body is shaking and i feel like i will be physically sick. I struggle to breathe and heart is pumping out of my chest.

I already made a mistake on here posting something "unthoughtful" and the thought of loosing my freedom again is making me very upset.

What is wrong with me? Why can't i fit in society and be a normal person? Why whatever i say (what seems lighthearted and maybe sarcy (not wanting to hurt other's) is being misinterpreted and taken as attack? Am i really this lost cause? Do i really have no way forward in this community any longer?

Im a mess. I am having panic attack and i deffo dont feel ok now. I apologise for my words..i didn't mean to offend. GC offers good services and i guess, i observed few posts last night. GamCare is not a circus. I take it back. It was bad choice of words.

I want to punish myself mentally and physically now. What it has come to huh? I want to hurt myself in this once safe place ??

I had massive urges last night. I had to talk them through to find common sense. I succeeded but as we know, urges can linger for a while.

I don't know what to say any more. I am bad, i am useless, i am nasty and i am not worth anything in this life.

S

What you are experiencing is not at all nice but it will pass.you are so not bad or useless. You are human and like all humans flawed. We all say things that either will upset others or are not pc to say. But majority of people know that and would not take offence.  The world out there is hard enough at times so don't feed it by being too hard on yourself.  

Thanks Chezzy...

Still feel awful. Raging now at myself also.

I am now on self destruction road and mindset. That one trigger was all i needed.

The emotional/mental punishment will be complete when i gamble all i have & more...

Then..then i will punish myself more.

Hate myself!! Useless sick person.

You say all that like it is inevitable. Just pause for a while and take stock. 

You aren't the first person in the world to make a mistake and you sure as hell fire won't be the last. 

Gambling is just punishing yourself. Do you think if put before a jury of your peers any of them would punish you as much as you are punishing yourself right now? 

If I was as wound up as you seem to be, I'd take myself for a walk round the block. Works 9/10 times to just gain a little perspective. 

Please don't harm your recovery over summat and nowt. None of us here want that. 

Take it easy. 

Drama

xoxoxoxox

Dear dear Sandra whatever are you getting so upset about.

I read the post and thought it was just a bit of harmless banter. It was clear to me that no offence was intended.

Only yesterday, after I wrote a negative piece on my diary, you were there offering me support and encouragement.

Things like that mean a great deal to me and you have always been a constant source of inspiration on my own journey of recovery.

Always remember that you are a wonderful lady who is well respected by myself and others.

Please be kind and respectful to yourself because you are definitely worth it.

Love and best wishes

Stephen x x x 

Hey I don't know what all the upset is over. Don't undo all your good work, you're a lovely person, take it easy on yourself xx

Sandra dear friend. Hope you are feeling ok.

Whenever you have posted a musical selection I have always enjoyed dancing to it around my kitchen with headphones on. Awesome ???.

I enjoy latin music and two favourites of mine for dancing are "Danza Kuduro" by Don Omar, Lucenzo. and "Subeme La Radio" by Enrique Iglesius.

Happy listening.

Love and best wishes 

Stephen x x x 

Ps. If that dont work try "Let's get Loud" by Jennifer Lopez.

o*g...I am almost having a breakdown here..Admin keeps taking posts (or parts of them) off because it may trigger others...

What about me? I put warning on it myself. Is it ok for me to suffer in silence? and its ckearly ok to mention self harm huh..might as well come and finisg me yourselves ???..but its not ok to say i removed blocks off. How does it work out?

I appreciate the supportive posts guys (forum users)but admin are stamping on me big time today. Its so sad..im so so sad..

ChrisK....you're usually the only one who understands me the best recent times...pls, if you're available i would like to talk to you about the issues...

S...