...

I'm moving to Lithuania! The country without vowels,..it's like Countdown only better xxx

I'm going on chat xx

lol

see you in chat in 5...xxx

all shy and quiet lol

x

I don't even think I can be on chat Hun..I have no adobe thingy ...sighs of relief but I look forward to you posting Hun...you make me smile and realise that life is worth living cos your in it xxx

Well Rach, still smiling about your little lesson last night lol...you are a good student 🙂

P.s. hope i didn't push you in a corner about the chat? You never have to do what you don't want to do.

Morning diary,

Up early, had good sleep and ready to face today g free.can't wait till sun goes up so i can go for a run 🙂 no urges, life seems peaceful today and i can tick along with the world.

Take care all and keep fighting the good fight!!

Day at a time

S x

Hi Sandra... glad you had a good nights sleep. Enjoy your run and watch out for them icy patches. The fog is very thick in my neck of the woods. I do a long run tomorrow me thinks. Take care... S.A 🙂

Hey Hun...no you didn't push me in a corner ..lol

Fact is..I can't log onto chat as my iPad doesn't have adobe but have always wondered how it works . Charlotte was and probably still is very active on there...I think it's a great idea the chat side..there's a discussion on Ask about a place on here to discuss non gambling stuff...

Glad you could understand some of my Lithuanian..lol I figured that you work so hard on here speaking English which I think must be difficult if it's not your first language especially when it comes to expressing emotions....so I thought I would try and speak in your native tongue with the aid of a translation app..lol

I truly hope it wasn't the instructions for a washing machine or something ..ha ha ha

Us Brits are so lazy when it comes to languages...in my work I work with people from Armenia, Persia and Japan and I am always put to shame as they speak about 5 languages each!!

I can only get by on my o level French ..lol

The sun is out Sandra ..and my car is off the road so you are safe to leave the house! Lol Enjoy your weekend lovely xxxxx

That's a lot of translation you will be doing Sandra!!

ps ..your a star in any language Hun xx

Keep shining ...R and D xx off to take the doggy walking xx

Thank you my dear fighters xxx

Dear diary,

As day progress i feel more and more calmer with myself. Did some stuff around the house, had my run, and some of the homework i brought from work...(never leaves me alone..self assessment ey?...ha ha..they will have heart attack then see what i wrote about myself lol...not being too confident...hopefully won't ask me again lol)

Really inspired by lovely souls on here today, to name a few, Duncs, Rachel, Shiny,SA,Julie . Recovery ir really bespoke, and to be surrounded by brave souls like all of you i really feel blessed..

I do believe in angels....and most of you are hiding here 😉

Keep it up soldiers!!!!!

Thank you for accepting me for who i am

No gambling and more than happy to say it out loud:-)

S x

Sounds like you've been having some good day there. Hope things keep going that way for you. Sunday and football game about 4 hours away. Gonna be doing up some burgers on the grill and a few anger orchards Apple ciders. Well if I manage to hit the shower anyway. LOL

Thank you Julie and Soul xx really appreciate it

WARNING better don't read below, ramble to aid my own recovery.

Diary,

Back on the emotional roller coaster and going down 100 mph.

Thinking about care, love, anger and hater today. From the early age i seen happiness and love around me. My mummy and daddy (grown to call them these names till i die) always shown affection and care to each other and me and my sis. I remember being 6 or so years old, and hearing them arguing..Moments like that used to be the worst ones for me. Used to hide in my room,cry my eyes out and pray for them to make up.After it calmed down, i used to come out and just hug them both for good 5-10min .never let go. They are so much in love with each other, i think it's love, or maybe endless care,they celebrated 35 years together earlier this year......While i was deep into gambling and not being able to bother order some flowers or send a card round...Disgusted with myself...Anyway, they both hitting 70's now, and i get more worried about their health each year.

So that was the care and love i was shown from my folks...until i was introduced to dark side of life at the age 12-15. Since then, i learned to hate, not to care, hurt. I stuck in between these two worlds until now, and probably forever.Care and hate.

The point of the ramble is...i hate myself for who i am today and i want to be a bad girl and not to care...If i was nice and lovely again, some c*** will come along and walk all over me again, i will never let it happen.Today i want to be a b**** and get my own way...I want to gamble, i want to tell the world to f*** off and leave me alone.....but...there is one thing stopping me from doing that...my previous slip nearly 8 weeks ago..feels like yesterday..the torture i put myself through...not being able to go to work for two days, being physically sick,not being able to drive..and constant beating myself up...Crying my eyes out for two days, smashing few plates and glasses in a rage...coming here and posting loads of nasty posts....I remember people on here telling me,it's OK slips are normal...bearing in mind mine only cost me £2, i took every word on board, and was grateful for the advice and support i received....but the pain i had i will never forget and it's the main drive stopping me today.

I will not gamble, i might still feel hate towards myself today, and more likely will open bottle of wine...but i will not give in this disgusting disease, it will not sort any problems out...i know that...i will not care today about consequences tomorrow, headache or feeling ill...but i will hold my ground by the previous experience...

Keep fighting the fight between the two worlds i find myself in...

Day 55...stays this way for today.

Ramble over............................

S x

Want to say how grateful I am for your constant support especially when, as you are doing, I have a nose dive day.

You have a real knack with words to say the exact things we all need to hear which is a real skill and always makes me think of you as a kind caring person with a great sense of humour.

You are doing so well and with all the trials and tribulations in your life recently and in the past you have proved you have so much strength.

Thinking of you and hoping your pain lessens each day and your strength grows each day.

xxx

Thank you all so much xxx

Dear diary,

Calming down...i always know that cr** day follows if i have a good laugh and great time day before. Today started s***t, but eventually coming out the other end. Dumped wine idea and had few cups of green tea. Yep..seems to work magic. Thrown myself into the work i had to do for my friend( which took me 4 good hours at the computer) and only managed to do half of the article lol...but it was good to concentrate on something else than be mad with myself 🙂

No mistakes done, nothing to beat myself for, no hangover tomorrow and i like it. I'm glad i managed to turn my thoughts into positive ones today...Phew...i'm hard work sometimes lol

Time for a little read and some sleep...two nights in 'wonderland' ahead which is always a challenge. 🙂 so just bring it on!!

Hey ho...what can i say...life is full of roads, junctions and roundabouts. It's down to me which direction to take...

Night diary

Keep safe and warm everyone

S x

Morning diary,

Can't sleep..mind is racing like hell. I think i need to start getting my layers off and try to find real me. I'm not saying i'm fake, but just want to see underlying issues i have( had for a while)...I want to understand what is the problem with me struggling to socialize...what am i scared of? Why? Can i change? Why i see gambling, drink, shutting down as escape route?

God ...want to get some rest..it's weird how strong power your thoughts can have over you....took myself back to childhood and trying to understand possible gaps....ohhh...seems like no sleep for me tonight lol

Well..while i'm here..8 weeks today since my slip !! And it feels good..little tiny steps...like we do...slowly heading ahead 🙂

Day at a time.

S x

Morning Sandra

Just reading back ur last few posts and the pressure u put on yourselve is full on, the high expectations of how u feel u should be at this moment in time is staggering, 8 weeks ago was ur last slip and I can still feel the pain it gives u, I guess this is something only u can work out u see all the support u get and on one feels the same way u do the pressure ur putting urself under is always goin to make life tough

Be kind to yourself, with all the effort and hard work u put into ur recovery I know u deserve that happiness, sometimes all we can do is keep trying and working at it and that puts u at the top of the class

That corner will turn it has to

Castle2

https://www.youtube.com/watch…;feature=youtube_gdata_player

It really is

Castle2