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Hi Sandra,

Thank you for holding me up yesterday. I really appreciate it. A friend on those sh it days is what really makes a difference. We can do this. Battle on sister. -joanxxx

Arrr...my dear sis Joan...yes, i love to have a big family around the globe 🙂 Hugs hugs hugs!!!!!

Dear diary,

Having all sorts of emotions going through me and my poor diary soaks it all in..until i delete it.

OK, everything is fine, i can be my own worst enemy but i will keep battling on..Oh..a lot of fights for me today. On top of everything - landlord decides to put rent up !!! Like you do before Xmas..

OK...will be alright,,keep breathing..no gambling,time for work..

S x

Let your diary take the hit Sandra ..

Recovery is bespoke and best you get that anger out on here where folks understand because the others alternatives involve doing stuff that's not in our best interests and that includes me too. Xxx

R and D xxx

Thank you girls xx

Lol Rach..my diary just about standing from my rants..i'm going to try to make it happy diary 🙂 ( that means few white lies and fakiness..getting better at second one lol)

Morning diary,

Another day another dollar. Experimenting here today.spend 2 hours in one place actually doing proper manual job. Nearly went into the dream world just how different and not psychologically exhausting it can be...but it's boring, i don't think i could do it. I always on a go and i'm used to it..

Not sure what to do.

Next 4hrs gonna kill me, couse got well behind with my actual duties lol...stress come and get me lol

No gambling thoughts...but start thinking that i'm too hard on myself with that one too. Maybe nothing wrong with let say £10 for fun. But would i stop?? d**n...why bloody silly pictures spinning in front of me helps me to relax and run away..it's not right is it?

Rambling again...

..to be continued as always 🙂

S x

Thank you Julie 🙂

Dear diary,

I can't believe what i typed early this morning. £10 for a fun..??.oh yea i can imagine that fun couple of hours later and hundreds i aint got down. As i always say, i better give that £10 to the poor or donate for some organization.

Money is not everything and as long as i have my soul with me - i'm happy 🙂

Don't hate the storm..learn to dance in a rain...

No gamble for today

Take care all

S x

Hello dear diary,

Few final thoughts for today before i set off to finish what i have started yesterday ( duties calling lol)

Thinking about this addiction and what was the purpose for all the experience it gave me.

I was looking for an escape route from myself. One harmful way or another i run from myself, because refused to accept myself as a person. Outcome - imprisoned myself in my own jail. I knew i had to stop running away from myself and finally stand up and face the reality.

There is no excuse, part of this addiction is money. But we all know that we can't win all the money,(mainly couse we can't stop) as well as we can't earn all of it either. Tiny little line we chose to walk to catch our luck. Why? Is it not enough what we have? Why human being is so greedy and want it all. The biggest fortune is within yourself and people around you....Hard work always pays off..

I am still learning to accept myself as a person, of course i still care what others think about me, i am not as confident as i might come across on this site. But i am making progress, and i am happy to say that i see all the gambling in different light. Of course, never say never, but this recovery opened more ways of understanding and options to move forward. For that i can only be thankful for this site, souls on here, my best friend, counsellor . I finally admit the defeat of this addiction, am kind(er) to myself and believe in myself.

Of course, i fell once, and i might fall again, i never know, but today i can proudly say: I am Sandra, compulsive gambler looking demons in the eye and making the right choice - no gambling for today. I am not reaching for perfection, never was and never will be, but progress is immense and just for today i want to feel that pride in my achievements.

Never give up giving up

Thank you all for your lovely advice and support going through this battle of my life and future.

There is a way out...always been in front of us..we just chose not to see it..

...Time for work me thinks 😉

Stay safe every1

Day at a time

S x

Morning Sandra

Great post with lots of positives for everyone to take away, for me never giving up is vital no matter how many knocks we take we simply av got to keep trying the key is to never go back to where we were a small step forward is better than taking a big step back

Interesting what u say bout confidence with been more confident on here than on the outside I can relate to that very much I feel u can speak ur mind a bit more on here as its much safer as no one really knows who we are so we can walk away from it as back in the real world we can't so we take a step back, in time though that confidence will come know I av changed on that front standing up a lot more for myself and putting myself 1st something I didn't feel I could b4 as gambling made me feel worthless

It is a learning curb as Julie rightly says sometimes there's some quick wins and other times there's some times we av to sit and ride it out

As we both agree never give up

Castle2

Thank you Julie Castle xxx

Dear diary,

Day 53.

Really tired and feel like my glass is overflowing with all what's going on around me. I need a change and i feel i'm am drawing the line for myself.

So relate to SA's post this morning. Why you can't go to work, do what you are there to do and say goodbye at the end of the working day....?? Oh no..you need t***s to keep draining you and getting the last drip of blood from you to feel better about themselves.

Had a "good" news last night..7 months later they decide to employ someone to help me out( which should of been all along)...my thoughts?? Fake smile followed with voice in my head YOUR CHANCE TO RUN AND RUN FAR AWAY FROM THIS PLACE. Yes, believe me or not, i always felt guilty to leave them in a s**t if i leave...but now, ok fair enough,train new person and get the hell out of there. Too much..i have to admit i can't handle all of it anymore. Job search continuess...

Ramble....sigh...

My point is...Nothing changes if nothing changes...

Not sure if to laugh of my thickiness or cry...checked bank..0.16p balance till pay day next week...but oh no..i was alright to lend £40 to a person last night...only option - brain transplant!!! 🙁

f*****g fantastic!! At least no funds to turn to slots...can't believecmyself...how thick.

S x

Thank you Julie x

You are right, i need to put more effort in job search..this one takes too much out of me..

Diary,

Feel a lot better..why? had my medicine by posting!! This site helps me so much i can't put into words. It is a lot of strength round here,just keeps you ticking by 😉

Stress levels gone down, and i am even ready for the first bite in last 24 hrs...good,cooking in progress lol

Take care all

Let's do it fighters!!!

S x

Thanks for your post Sandra & keep on fighting yourself, you are doing great..... i watching out for you. Dark Place

Sandra..do you know what i love about you? ..YOU missy !!

With your heart, sense of fun, humour and gutsy spirit i have no fear that you my lovely will always have friends and people who love you no matter what.

You make me laugh and make me smile and make me want to look out for you all at once..keep being you Hun ,keep being yourself because you are more than enough, You have that "spark" I recognise it and it's something that cannot be faked....

You are always a winner in my eyes xxx

Ps ...

Thinking of you this Xmas and the 12 dishes of the apostles...

Will be joining you in a glass of kutia? Agu onu Pienas

And definitely some Suzikai. :-)))

May not be happy with Silke su Morkomis but think I would love Silke su grybais

I would definitely love Spanguoliu Kisielius xxx

Is my Lithuanian ok? Xxx lol

Hey darling...

hey Sveiki

Ash turiu dar mokytis xxxx

...ha ha..Yes indeed darling...might take you another 10 years to learn lol...but i have to say you said more in the last 15 min in Lithuanian than my mate in 5 years i know her lol..

You see...everything is possible 🙂 ( my bad, i only teach her swear words lol) poor girl..:-))))))

Still laughing Rach...and is there a word about gambling????? No!!! recovery can work wonders!! 🙂

xx

Pps

Labas Sandra

Manau, ka jus darote savo atkurimo yra fantastinis.

Jus esate vienas drasus zmogus su siela ir tiek daug meiles duoti .

Manau ,kad jums yra nuostabios bet kuria Kalba ...

Savo dvasia

Sviecia per

Phew! ..does that make sense? Xxxx or are you still laughing ..lol xxx