...

Well gee girl hope your feeling better soon and the water stays clear of ya. Hell sooner go to work any day than be sick but don't wanna do it via sail boat. LOL stay high and dry and thinking of ya.

Hiya Sandra thanks for the posts. Really sweet of you to care and it felt nice to read. I am fine and I haven't done anythings silly. Just work has been mental and absolutely rubbish. I'm getting a pay cut as are most managers in the company it's an absolute joke. Gonna be a real struggle next year. So with that going on, trying to sort out Xmas, plus a load of other things have been going wrong or needed to be sorted, that's why I haven't really been posting. Kinda suiting me aswell posting less I think. The thread keeps me going and on the straight and narrow and I know that the diarys there if needed but I think I've come along way in my understanding of myself and I've come to realise and really see the destruction I have been causing and still causing. So with that so fresh in my mind gambling is far from my thoughts and I seem to have found a balance in my approach to my recovery and know that if I do start to struggle with urges I know I'll be smart enough to be straight back on here.

Thanks again for your support it really does mean alot and It feels good to write a proper post again I think I should've maybe vented on my diary but I thank you for the loan of your diary lol. I believe a get well soon is in order and I don't blame ya for taking a day off, I'm the same I hate phoning in sick but truth is they don't think anymore of you for coming in so you rest up and hope your feeling better soon.

Hi hope your feeling better and keeping safe love reading your posts thanks again for support you give us all

Ohhh...thank you so much all xx

Dave, great to hear from you, always welcome round and can write as much as you like, i love reading 🙂

Diary,

no gambling. Didn't even crossed my mind. Too much going on around and i feel very useless, sick and half alive. Little springing tigger having a day off from running around lol...

Thoughts are with everyone who had been affected by Mother nature yesterday...my house dry, flood stopped few streets away, but was real nightmare, with sirens all over, cars rushing,sister on a phone every 5 min wanting to find out more ( try to put news next time lol) and me feeling so sick and and just wanting to sleep.

It's weird...how strong the force of weather can be..Unexpected but destroying force.

Thank you so much for your support i will get back to you soon enough xx

Take care all

Day at a time

S x

Keep safe, warm, and dry sis. Thinking of you and sending you continued strength and hugs. -joanxxxx

Thank you (((( J ))))

Dear diary,

That's why i don't like to have days off and feel cr** and keep searching online.

Checked email, and somehow one of the sites gone through the blocks and i was able to log in!!!! WHAT???????? What's going on through my head is unreal..And how did i remember password?.Heart getting out of the chest and i feel like Xmas come early...i have f ucking access..Have two choices, deposit money i don't have or self exclude again..

After 5 min deep breathing i chose to email them a hearty letter saying how addicted i am and politely asked them to exclude me for the longest period possible..

Just shows...i still need blocks, i'm like a kid wanting everything now and here..

OK...no damage done, a bit P***** of with myself still keeping devil on my shoulder, but i know it will stay here forever...Choices Choices Choices...better do some cleaning or something...d**n Sandra !!! Naughty girl!!

S x

I needed to write this,it's not a bad dream, it is my real life.

Thanx Julie,

Ok diary, feeling a bit better and just thinking what has just happened. This disease is very close by and will always keep waiting patiently for my defences to go down.

I don't want to have it!! I hate to feel vulnerable and out of control...but it is what it is..

More painkillers, more calming tea and hopefully proper nights sleep tonight.hopefully till Monday morning..

Ahrr...here is my other side coming out..mad Sandra with loads of regrets..

Ok, will not turn to gambling, neither to drink or any other escape routs. Just sleep...calm sleep all i am longing..( feel like 98 years old..what is wrong with me and my life??)

S x

Hey lovely Sandra ...

I am guessing your urges maybe similar to the ones i have when I try and surpress anger and then it comes to the surface and I have no where to put it?

Arrgghhhhh.. You're not mad ..you're human.

Hey ..I have an idea....sleep on it ..if you feel this way in the morning hop onto my diary and blast away. No apologies ..consider my diary the dustbin that you can dump on and keep yours clean.

Deal????

((S))

R and D xx

Sandra

Well done for dodging the bullet.

When we are at a low, the sneaky bas#tard will always come knocking, the same as it will when the good times come.

You did the right thing, for that be proud.

I hope you get a good nights rest, you earnt it.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi Sandra,

Just echoing Julie, Rach and Duncs there. You did the right thing. Lots of folks would have taken the poison. Good for you girl. The weekends are always hell for me and I know what it's like constantly dealing with those nagging urges. Sweet dreams darlin. -joanxxx

Thank you all so much xxx

Not too good day today. I think another sleepless night ahead. Start blaming myself for not going to work yesterday, what was i thinking?? My dear parents....i'm mad worried about both of you...and i blame myself too for not being able to be there for you at this tough time...dear sister - we never fully understood each other,and lacked comunication.sorry i can't turn to you with my feelings.

Sandra - what the hell are you doing with your life? What have you done and what will u do next..stopped gambling - great ...so start risking ur job..very smart.

You still very closed up inside you, you are not interested in life around you, you don't want to socialise...what is wrong with you?!!

You change your mind constantly...yes-no..yes-no...can you f****g settle down for once?..

You skipped few recent parties with colleagues ...for what..to eat urself inside out. And root at home..

I am giving up on you Sandra...i really not sure how else you can help yourself. You want a change..but will never get there at this rate.

f***

Sandra

Take a deep breath and step back.

You have come such a long way, and yes I fully understand that the gamblers way is to want instant results, a trait many of us share.

Addiction wants you to beat yourself up, it loves it, thinks you will turn in your hand for the promise of a quick fix.

We both know the results.

I have made many mistakes in my life, ill judged decisions, let alot of folk down, but like you I am trying, a working progress.

You have to stop being so hard on yourself.

The result will be a disruption to the great things that you are doing.

From an acorn grows a mighty oak, but not over night!!!!

Take care and be kind to yourself, because you are worth it.

Duncs stepping forward never back,

Thank you Duncs.. i know you are right...patience is the key. Your advice is much appreciated..thank you so much x

Diary,

Day 67 and all ok.This addiction and my life mistakes really taking my health away from me. I need to take it easy on myself, i can't keep beating myself up for every silly thing i do or don't do..

I don't like it and if i knew the way how to control my changing moods, i would. I am not sure if i'm the only odd person out with my character. If i can see it, then no wonder people can't hack it staying with me..

Sorry for ramble...

Again..

Better get some sleep

Day at a time

I will try to be kinder to myself from now on...:-).....will not let this habit to feed on my low moods

Battle back on!!!

Sandra x

Hi Sandra.

Sorry to hear you have not been feeling too good about yourself. It's not a nice feeling but you should feel proud about the fact that you haven't turned to gambling as a result!

I hope you feel better soon. Take care and look after yourself.

Feb.

Sandra

Thanks for the post and please no need to appologise for anything you wrote, Why?

Because two fold I have broad shoulders and most of all you speak from the heart.

No hiding or runnnig the wrong way.

For it be proud.

Duncs stepping forward never back.