Thanx all,
Diary,
I will try again. Another day g free ticked off. Very tough time i find to have recently, but hey...fighting spirit deep in my heart and i will go through it.
Bring on spring and some more sunshine...the only thing i would ask for 🙂
Day at a time
We can do it !!
S x
Thank you Julie,
Dear diary,
Up early couse couldn't sleep most of the night, self inflicted i have to say, because decide to go for a run quite late last night and couldn't be bothered to put more than t shirt on...outcome - blocked nose and not able to turn my head to the left couse i think i strained my neck or smthing. But, this shall pass too.
Nothing changes if nothing changes, and i decide not to wait to next year resolution and act on my life now. First i need few short term goals to move forward in my personal recovery. Gambling pushed me in a corner, and i struggle to socialize like mad. So priority for me is step outside in a wide world and have some fun 🙂
Work do this week, and i dread it in a way, couse it's sort of "red carpet" event, but hey, fears aside i will attend it and sure will have great time. If not, at least i won't have regrets if i didn't go.
next...maybe finally say yes for a invitation for a cuppa.
I just need to snap from my shell and the rest will follow. I'm relatively young, and need to grab what life has got to offer. just that hardest step for me is to open up and start letting people in.
Gambling took whole lot more than money away. I want myself back now. Money will never come back, but hey, i work, i earn and i will get back on my feet on this one. Priority is ME, and i am ready to put myself in a first place.
A little read...
A time comes in your life when you finally get it...
When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes.You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon.
You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are ... and that's OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.)
And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.
You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance.
You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the cr** you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, and how much you should weigh, and what you should wear, and where you should shop, and what you should drive, how and where you should live, and what you should do for a living, who you should sleep with, who you should marry, and what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children or what you owe your parents.
You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are what you really stand for.
You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process you learn to go with your instincts.
You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.
You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a by gone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.
You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing.
You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.
You learn that just as people grow and change so it is with love... and you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your terms ... just to make you happy And, you learn that alone does not mean lonely... And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up." You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.
You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK....and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things that you want...and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.
You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less...and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect. And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play. You learn, that for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve ... and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen.
More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it's OK to risk asking for help. You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time. FEAR itself.
You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.
You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things.
It's just life happening.
And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state - the ego.
You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.
You learn to admit when you are wrong and to building bridges instead of walls.
You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about; a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.
Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you to make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever to settle for less than your heart's desire. And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility. Finally, with courage in your heart you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.
Let your life be an adventure...look for the invisible, listen to the silences, touch your imagination, and make each day something special. You are your life, and by believing in change, you are believing in yourself and everything that you will be.
Day at a time
S x
Thanks for the cyber hug and want to return it (((((S))))). Boy.... from that post above, I still have an awful lot to learn! But we keep on keeping on, don't we. You're a good one, girl! Don't ever forget that.
Thank you darlin xx
Crazy days...some tunes on a way
Beware - heavy stuff!!
Tiesto - Escape me
S x
Calvin Harris - i need your love
Emeli Sande - Read all about it
Hi Sandra,
I love your last post about finally getting it...I think many of the things covered there are what gambling takes away. Life isn't perfect, but by making the right choices then what we deserve will come our way, as long as we do the right things to deserve it.
Christmas parties are always hit or miss for me too, I usually need a beer or two to loosen up, and then I enjoy, but there's also the apprehension leading up to it too.
Hope yours goes well, I'm sure it'll be a blast.
All the best.
Ryan
Sweedish house mafia - save the world
LOL..better stop...or get ban 😀
Night diary...time for a bath
S x
Thanx Ryan,
Most appreciated...i'm sure i will have great time...need to get my earphones with me to start the party lol
DJ Sandra on decks lol lol lol
Get sack next day, but hey..just being me 🙂
S x
I love the part where it says "you internalise self respect" ...I won't settle for less now Hun! XX
Great post there Sandra ....and still you rise :-)) ..go for it!!! (((((S)))!!
R and D xxx
Thanx girls,
Diary, diary , diary....i think...something bad might happen tonight...hmm...getting into completely uncaring and f*k it mood.
I know why i get urges....couple of days now i start taking wrong attitude towards everything.
Sandra is strong a** lol....just be f****g crying her eyes out tomorrow if give in today...
Ok....steady...breath....
Going for a ride, need some fresh air...
Aj aj aj lol...cmon ...
S x
Thank you Julie and you are so right, we can't afford f*k it moods.
Dear diary,
Into week 10 without gambling. It is more on my mind recently than it should be, but this shall pass too. Xmas time is tougher than i was expected. Well, live and learn.
No problem, bk to lovely work later on...but first few shots of coffee and good run in a fresh air...
.i will keep digging myself out of this s**t with all my mite..i am survivor - fighter...will not give up now!!
Day at a time
Take care all
Sandra x
You will do it S ...I know you will ...xxxx
You have the determination and the spirit to kick gambling's a** and that is a fact!
Harnessing the spirit is where I share a lot in common with everyone on here and then my road diverts off in a different direction. Yes, I have to become less "nice" than I was.
In 12 step we learn to look after number 1 which I have become a lot better at...we all have to do on here ..
R and D xxx
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