...

Thank you ladies xx

Dear diary,

A wave of sadness going over me today. Reasonable sleep, and feel quite rested, but the "day" is coming closer and i know no miracles possible to make it special for my loved ones. Homesick..arrr...yep..i know it's my fault...made my bed so now have to lay in it ...

Tried to block my stress last night by singing to myself. ( Xmas songs!!)..Helped a bit...at least ppl found it funny lol.

Time for a run, give my lungs some fresh air.

No gambling today...( annoying emails with offers don't stop coming in....but i am always prepared to press the "delete" buttom).

Day at a time

Take care all

Sandra x

Hi Sandra... keep filling them lungs with fresh air. Not sure about the singing myself lol.. but each to their own. Thanks for passing by my diary and keep deleting them emails. Take care... S.A 🙂

Thank you SA 🙂 yep, got much needed fresh air in my lungs lol. I think it's frozen now 🙂

Dear diary,

Reflecting on this Xmas and last Xmas.. Yes i was in huge debt, overdraft, working 70hrs a week just to spend all the money on slots...

Selfish b****..

I did in other hand made the best Xmas for others. Money had no value, and maybe i felt guilty and wanted to mk it up for others .

This year, not much money, but no overdraft, debt is halved. Not as good Xmas for others...maybe i finally see value in money...maybe still no 'spirit'...or maybe couse i'm "scrudge" lol..as i've been called by my friend lol...

Anyhoo...it is a lot better, because i am free from constant thinking and overthinking how to make ends meet...

No gambling - life saved, financial situation improving little by little.

S x

Hey Sandra

Thanks for popping in. Glad to see things are improving for you little by little and they will continue to of you stay on the right path.

I hope you have a happy and peaceful Christmas.

Keep fighting that good fight

Take care

Blondie x

Thank you Blondie and Julie x

Dear diary,

Had a good read about problem gambling or other habits which destroys personality and life.

I understand that this addiction is worse than any drug. Alcohol, drugs...so much your body can take before start refusing to let more in the system.( you end up hospital or in morgue)..now...gambling is Money. And there is no such harm to your physical health...you go and go till fuel is empty...and then you go again with every opportunity to recoup losses...so, in theory - money kills. You become animal, your ego is higher than the sky, you lie, you steal, you manipulate others.....only to have that last "winning" bet...which never comes...because you can't stop. It is high indeed, your brains are craving for the buzz...more often and bigger...

I come to realisation that i "need to accept" that this habit is stronger than all my power put together. I can hate it as much as i want...it will always be here i am powerless towards it and i am only able to keep up the fight, if i feel it within myself. Last word and dot has to be down to me..from my soul.

There was few ppl who was enabling my habit. Yea, addict can change like day and night to get what he/she wants. Can be as soft as a silk, and get the "winning" buzz over someone who "allows" you to carry on if this makes you happy and fulfill your needs. How selfish creature you can become?

In a way i am enabling my sisters addiction to the shopping. Why??? Because i see her happy then. She plays me like addict does. And i know this game. I did stop fuelling it for a while, but.......she is not ready to accept it yet...and i will not keep telling her she has a problen if she is not ready to see it herself.as painful as it is and as wrong as i am doing this, i am powerless. Addicts will always find the way...i hope she will look into her heart soon..i pray for it to happen.

Right, few thinks before sleeps.i will never be cured. It makes me sad, but i am powerless towards it. The only way to go about it is abstain and maintain. Day at a time..fight urges and believe in myself. It comes from my soul...the goal i set myself for as long as i am alive...listen to my heart and make the right choice daily. I can only give it a go.

Today i accepted defeat by this habit and refuse to look at that direction ever again...i will fight with all my might!!!

Thank you diary...feel better now 🙂

No gambling today..guard is going back up

S x

Well done Sandra and glad you felt better after writing your last post.

Take care and stay strong.

Feb.

Thanx Feb and Julie 🙂 just reposted xx

Dear diary,

So, a little brainstorm this morning and i am back on my two feet.

Work was stressful again, and had to keep my hands behind my back while receiving wawing hands and shouting in my face by one of the workers....which is ok...i controlled the situation by staying calm..( image of slapping the face played the big part for about 5min..at least kept my mind occupied lol) ..

Anyway, pleased to say it's over!!! 3 days off...one in...3off...happy days heh?!!

No gambling, time to head up town for more shopping...

Ho ho ho Sandra coming in town 🙂

S x

Yo,

Lol at you keeping your hands behing your back.

Good for you girl!

Had a situation at work yesterday , was not quite at reserved as you , not that I slapped someone in the face lol

But in no uncertain terms told someone do not tell me what to do , you want my job apply it . Lol

Enjoy your days off !

Work ........ Put it on the back burner Mrs , cos you know what it will still be there to worry bout , throw all your energy into , in three days time when you return .

hope you found bargains a plenty

Shiny xxxxx

Hey S

"Tis the season for work stressors ..tra la la la la la la la la ...yep , it's that time of year, tempers frayed as I know myself after the last few weeks.

Good on you for not reacting , can't say I would have been able to control my anger in the same way so hats off to you and for keeping calm.

Just come home and whack it all down on your diary and discharge it out of your head as you are doing ..

Do you people ever sleep???? :-)))

R and D. Xxx

Thank you ladies xxx

Julie, good luck with a"dragon" lol..i will be there with my fighting spirit to keep u company 🙂

Rachel, as my daddy would say - get plenty of sleep when you die...ha (bless him, he does 24 hrs shifts twice a week, and that's a challenging job in a mental ward)

So diary,

Spring in my feet this morning. Lots to do. Finally ready to wash my car lol ( can't even see number plates so maybe the time has come)..a bit of cleaning, cooking later and visit round big sis. ( Maybe mk friends again...fingers crossed)

Badly strained my leg few days ago, so agony still there - no running.

Hey ho here we go 🙂

No gambling to report, can't break the deal with my "insomniac" friend 😀

Day at a time

Lets do it soldiers!!!

Sandra x

Yo,

Many thanks 🙂 for your reply , I will work out. Just penning my thoughts and frustrations .

Hope you and sis make up, no really I do .

Over the last 8 or so months my siblings have been the ones hold me up as I went through the rocky road of change .

Have a good day , me off to work so jealous you've got the weekend off .

Enjoy !

Shiny xxxxx

Thank you Shiny, feel for you working this weekend..take it easy x

Diary,

Not happy today....cleaned and scrubbed my car for twp hours( i can't believe the actual colour is blue by the way lol ) and what it does now?? Raining of course...!!

Another thing doing my head in today, is looking at the facts of my addiction...but since it's Xmas time, will not go there.

Opening my wine soon, outcome is defo clear ( sleepless night and feeling sick tomorrow) but that's how i feel today. I am not just a gambler, i'm alcoholic too...let's just face it.

And...a little Xmas tune to make my day even better

http://youtu.be/EvDxSW8mzvU

S xxx......................

Just sending some extra hugs as sounds like a tough time for you recently yet you have so much time for others.

My car was so bad I had it cleaned by the guys outside Sainsbury, £4.00 well spent for a change.

Please look after yourself.

xxx

LOL sounds like ya got my kinda luck with the car washing. LOL yeah my mud toned car is suppose to be maroon I think.

Drinking coffee right now but thinking that could change to a mikes hard rock lemonade real quick. LOL just kick back and relax girl, life is to short for anything else.

Hi Sandra,

I've always thought that a clean car is the sign of someone who has far too much time on their hands? 😉

I think I've taken my car through the car wash twice in two and half years, and I don't plan to do it again until/if I get a new car.

Good work on staying gamble free, hope you enjoy those days off and don't let work get you down.

All the best

Ryan