...

Thank you all so much xxx

Dear diary,

Another day g free - more strentgh to you and me!! 🙂

New Year, new start- let's do it all, we really can turn this around and enjoy our lives again. 🙂

Happiness to all of you dear fighters

God bless

S x

Dear diary,

Been thinking a lot in recent weeks. I do still struggle with a lot in my life. I need change myself, and I can tell that for others as much as I like, I am not doing hard job myself.

I am loner by a choice. Only because I get attached to people too quickly, just to get hurt afterwards. I feel I am getting the same here. I care too much and find it not too healthy for me or any of you in recovery.

Yes, this site was huge and I mean HUGE help in my recovery. I had good days and bad days, but I feel I start going a bit down hill. I don't gamble, but if you understand...if you get a "feeling" of it coming...that's what I'm talking about.

All of your advice waas taken on board, and yes, I tried to make it all work...it did, but now again...I am loner from the heart I feel huge power to push everyone away...again....still.

I feel stuck, and don't see the point to keep trying and trying...yeah...maybe one of my moods again, but this time I tried to step a bit further and requested to remove my diary.

My moods don't help others,.I am aware of it, and really don't want to affect anyone. I can't find the middle...same with everything in my life...

...I either gamble it all or nothing, drink it all or nothing, push myself in every aspect of my life....or nothing.

I am still looking for the healthy middle, but not as hopeful anymore.

Other diaries start to affect me, and as I said...I get too attached...I can't stop reading or taking anything on board..

Still, the fight is on. I might do it next year, I might not. I am not sure at the minute.

I just want to thank you all deep from my heart, I get so much support I didn't even deserve. You all mean a lot to me...this is my issue as I said....I care too much..weird couse I never seen any of you before...must be me...crazy foreign blood.

Love to all, please don't get upset or shocked if you won't see my name on here anymore. I have to do it by myself, always the same "strong" Sandra dealing with it all by herself.

I need to put in reverse and back off...Nothing personal dear fighters.

Nothing changes if nothing changes...just another bus stop in my journey..am I getting off or staying on...my choice to decide.

Keep going all, it is so much easier to get over this with support, I choose the hard way. I will go solo.....see how it goes.

Feels like mistake already, but welcome to my world - never ending fight with myself.

Day at a time

Strength and honour to you all

Sandra J. Xx

Hey

I get your post, I am that post.

Promise me one thing?

Gamble I can live with, drink I can live with, mistakes I can live with...........please just promise me that you are moving on to a new journey away from here, but that you are moving onto a journey in this life?

That post scares me.....it reveals so much that I never have the courage to, and that's why it's scary.

Before you go S, please make that promise to me? You wouldn't do it, please tell me that.

Before I go.......it may only be 23 days on my journey but the difference you've made to me is huge. Don't ever underestimate the value you have brought Ito my and my families lives. You have been instrumental in saving me.

Please just make that promise girl.

Mr Brightside - I'm called Tony, but that's just to you. Xx

Tony, fight is still on. Look after your own recovery. You doing great and your support to others will be very appreciated. You can do it, and you will. You are strong enough to stick around this site.

All the best...no worries..please

S x

Just make me the promise Sandra - please? If you do I promise I will release you to get on with your new journey.......with my utmost respect, best wishes and sadness that you're not staying around. I do understand though and will be happy for you if it's the right thing to do for you and it will help........but just make me the promise.

Thanks and lots of love,

Tony

Ps I decide who I worry about - stop taking responsibility for something that's not yours!! Xxx

Oh my dear Sandra! I don't want you to go. The stories are different but very often the feelings are the same. The fight is the same. You are not alone even when you think you are. I do think you care too much and worry too much and funny thing is, I think I do also. I just don't always show it. It's not healthy. We both need to put ourselves as number one. If you don't realize what an inspiration you are to many here, then let me tell you. You are! And you are entitled to vent and whine and be moody. Everyone needs to be able to do that some way or other and somewhere or other. No woman is an island! If you truly do decide to go, then know that your support has been appreciated and that I wish you well and mostly that I want you to be good to yourself. (((( Sandra))))

Sorry... I have a bit more to say...

You said:

My moods don't help others,.I am aware of it, and really don't want to affect anyone.

I say, you do help people and so what if you get in bad moods... you aren't responsible for other people's happiness!

you said: I can't find the middle...same with everything in my life...

I say Most of us can say the same. Isn't that the reason we're addicts?

You said: I am still looking for the healthy middle, but not as hopeful anymore.

You can't give up hope. It's what keeps us going and eventually, the breakthrough will come. It's a difficult time of year. Yes, you do get too attached. Maybe that's an area you need to work on this year. Me too... truly, I can't help but feel it's my fault that you're feeling this way.... YET... what did I say to you? We're all only responsible for our own feelings (within reason, that is, because one shouldn't intentionally hurt another).

So.... what's left? Happy New Year and another (((S)))!

S - please make me the promise - you know what I mean.

Mr Brightside.........Tony to you........xxxxx

Morning Sandra

And a happy new year I really wish you all the best for 2014

Like you I have just had to make the hardest decision, all I can say is take your time and do what you feel is right for you it has to be about you and on one else

From the bottom of my heart I thank you for all your support

Castle2

Hi Sandra... your moods do help others in my humble opinion, they help me. I like your openness and honesty. You say it as it is. I am also self-contained and I draw strength from reading about real life and peoples daily struggles and successes. As ive suggested to many people over the years... pick your diary up or put it down and let it gather dust... and then maybe pick it up again but do as your mood and recovery suits. Its about you. Warm regards... S.A 🙂

Hi Sis,

Happy 2014! I know that you will be alright on your own but, selfishly, I will miss you. If I said I never felt the same way as you at this time I would be lying. I felt that way lots of times. I always managed to stick around because for now, simply cannot do it on my own. Like S.A says put it down for awhile and maybe pick it back up. I will be here and listening. "HEY SISTER"... (((((((S)))))))) -joanxxx

Thanks for letting me know. I've been trying to take my own advice and turn any negative thought into a positive... "Sandra will work this out"... but still, we do worry about people we care about. And I think one Mr. Brightside is another worrier! I am determined to make 2014 my year and I wish the same for you.

Lovely words, thanx all.

Just a short one.

Sandra will b ok, she always fight her way through things.

Don't want anyone to worry, so please if you can...just put hand on your hearts and promise me this...

Little steps at a time..we all start from the scratch 🙂

S x

P.s. please don't reply to this anymore...couse me being me, gonna get to my old ways typing away and getting ott with other treads....we can't let this happen 😉

Over and out x

Yo,

Know you said do not reply . But hay popping in a sneaky one . ( do not expect a reply!)

Just wanted to send you a big fat hug to send you on your way .

And add you know where we all are if the need arises, does not need to be gambling related ,just that you felt like touching base .

Tonight you are in my thoughts , with that said I wish you everything you wish for in 2014 .

Take Hun

Shiny xxxxxx

Hi Sandra,

U do not need 2 reply 2 me either, I just wanted 2 say that when I first joined this site I was like u posting 2 everyone and it becomes a lot. I used 2 worry that when I was replying and posting 2 ppl I would miss some1 out and they would get offended. I enjoyed offering support and it helped with my recovery, but I put way 2 much pressure on myself. I still will support ppl where I can but now I have a balance and I realise that taking on that amount of responsibility is 2 much . I post when I can now and I feel no pressure and I find supporting others rewarding when I have the time 2 do so which with a job and a little one not that often nemore lol. U have supported so many ppl here Sandra u should be soooo proud of urself 🙂

So I wanted 2 say I understand wot ur saying, but I also wanted 2 make a suggestion u can ignore it or tell me 2 shut up if u want, but maybe keep ur diary here 4 if u ever need it. U r not alone we r all here 4 u if u need us. If u do decide 2 leave then I want 2 thank u from the bottom of my heart 4 all ur support. U r an amazing person with a kind heart, look after u and stay strong 🙂

Happy new yr xx