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(((((((((((((((((((((((((( ALL ))))))))))))))))))))))))))) XXXX

Dear diary,

Day 95..and what the f*k am i doing with my life? Found myself and ready to lose myself straight away???..i don't want that. Was going through last months posts...Jeez, i can't recognize the girl posting now. What happened? Why i feel this way, am i not in enough pain yet?

...recovery can be tough...but tougher is to control your own mind. I need to pinch myself sometimes. I am alive, healthy ( so so )... but why i want to destroy my life?

How to learn to live in happiness?..i suppose we can't be on top of the world forever...but still...would b nice now and again..:-)

Best time of my life i experience on this site. God, to learn to smile, be honest, help, laugh...live..

Oki...enough. ..must b tired...but recent "festive" weeks don't mk much sense. I want to fight it and will fight it with all my might....old, horible and depressing Sandra can f*** off ....bring on sun and some smiles, more running, swimming, volleyball, basketball, football...you name it, i'm up to it 🙂

No wonder i am stil single lol...not that easy to put up with two Sandras.... god help my future "prince"....:-)

I think i might stick around for January 2015....under 5 different names lol...nah..

Sandra and 1/2 ...over and out 🙂 x

P.s. i was thinking. Why human beings can be so unkind to themselves. Why they feel need to press self destuction button and make themselves suffer.

The same with gambling. It affects so many people around us, and you don't even have to say u have a habit. Your emotions and change in yourself says it all. But rightly at the same time, you destroying yourself, you eat yourself alive but are not able to stop it. It is contious and subcontious working at the same time in my eyes. It might be to do with programming your mind to make these actions ..and then you come out from "coma " you see what destroying machine u become.....

Hmmm...

Hi Sandra,

I think your honesty is fantastic and the responses from everyone else on your thread show how much you mean to them and how much you have helped without sometimes realising it.

This forum is bespoke, your recovery diary is bespoke and most importantly of all, your recovery is bespoke, there is no one size fits all. I like others used to post every day in the beginning before become a little too 'obsessed' with my recovery. I think many Compulsive gamblers do have a slightly obsessive side, I have now even become a little obsessed about not becoming obsessed with this site! That seems to make sense in my head although perhaps not as clear when I write it.

I have been gamble free now for almost nine months but never have I felt as alone during this period as I do now. When I was gambling there was a fog that descended which meant I did not 'feel' what was going on outside the gambling bubble. Now that bubble has popped, the fog has lifted and I see so much carnage all around. Now I have to deal with it which is so hard as I was always happy on my own trying not to get close to people as I would have to be honest with them and reveal my gambling secret.

However this is a positive post to you! It may not seem like it but each and everyday I smile before I go to sleep as I tick off another gamble free day. Yesterday someone said to me that stopping gambling hasn't changed his life because he simply had no life before to change. Instead, stopping gambling has given him a life.

This path we walk along is full of potholes and arrows being fired at us and places where we can hide from life. However, we can strengthen our armour and walk together, we can walk tall, things will get better even if it is a slow process.

It is stormy now but it can't rain forever.

Stay safe and strong

Paulds

Thank you all so much xxx really appreciated

Dear diary,

Coming round from coma and see a bit of carnage I have created in recent days. Really sorry about it, I promise to try and control my emotions in calmer manner. Step back then I feel like it, and take it easy.

Am gobsmacked at the minute, just come to living room ( from my cave as u do lol lol ) .... and what I see is beautiful pattern of few wonderful words sticked on the wall :

" Live every moment

Laugh every day

Love beyond words ".

If i could take a pic and share it, i would, beautiful pattern,...Wow, my dear pal Sofi, I will never repay ur support to me. Thank you....( will b fun to change wallpaper tho lol )

That's it diary. No gambling, mind is back in a middle lane. Get some rest soon and face another day tomorrow...with another smile fingers crossed 🙂

Stay safe all

S x

Hey you.... I think we both need to learn that we are not responsible for how others feel (again, within reason as of course, it is possible to hurt intentionally). Like you, I intend to spend less time here and less time posting to others. I really need to focus more on myself and on starting to ACT in alignment with my thinking. Am everso grateful for your support and I have no doubt that you'd be the best neighbour I ever had if you lived beside me! Want to move to Canada?? I think my neighbour might be selling soon!! LOL

Sandra

I raised a huge smile yesterday seeing your name all the way down the right hand column.

You have 'belief' because you earnt it through the huge effort you gift yourself.

I thankyou for gifting it to others too.

It's unconditional.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi Sandra

Hope all is well and you are doing great, know you have the strength of a boxer and the kindness of an angel. The support you give to everyone is amazing. Thank you for all the advice and help you have given me.

Amanda

Thank you all so much, i am glad i have opportunity to stay on this amazing site and share my journey with you dear soldiers 🙂 ( boxers in Amanda's words lol ) xxxx

Dear diary,

Miracle happened and i slept for 15 hrs!!!! o*g can't remember last time i slept this long...Feel blessed to have this rest.

Going for a run ( my knee feels better ) and then to take my little nephew out...maybe just in time for cinema 🙂

That's it...as simple as it sounds...rested mind and body gives you new light for the day :-)))

Day at a time

Love to all

Take care

Sandra xxxx

P.s.NO GAMBLING!!!!

Diary,

Before I start waffling lol.. a little song to echo my mood 😀

http://youtu.be/Co4ln2217p8

Just an add on...I didn't realise it was raining outside this afternoon lol...but, nothing could of stopped me lol..and it is very refreshing. Did 7 miles (similar distance which takes SA to warm up lol ) and feel great!!!

Kept nodding along to the beat lol...a bit multi skilled, but not as much to keep singing too lol..

I'm afraid no cinema today, but defo tomorrow...for now, just good bath and a bit of shopping later...Tesco here I come lol

For you dear gam carers for this wonderful site, for my mate, for my sis and....for the whole world!!!

http://youtu.be/0g9poWKKpbU

Thought about my new daily mantra ( more less weekends lol ) EAT, SLEEP, RAVE -REPEAT Ha ha... over and out...I love my life today, and just want to share my good vibes with the world!!!

S x

Hey Sandra,

Just a fly by to say hey and am happy to hear you are in a good place. Long may it continue but, always remember that I/we are all here for you regardless. -joanxxx

Just calling in to say glad to see you are still around. I'm not writing much at the moment but still reading lots and love your quirky style.

xxx

Hey Sandra

I am feeling your good vibes!! Sleep is what makes us tick and without it, our body, mind and soul can be badly affected. So pleased to hear that you slept for 15 hours!! You most definitely were in need of it. Abstaining from gambling can also help us all to sleep better that's for sure.

Have a good time at the cinema with your little nephew.

Take care and remain strong.

Feb.

hey S ..xx

It's not any of you peeps that trigger me...aside of the controlled gambling which dare I say it I'm even warming to!! .I am triggered more by newbies and friends and fam side now!!!..my own people!!!

Lordy ...will I ever find a fixed f*****g group of people I can identify with ??? :-))))

I'm gonna try and fly without a parachute ...I not proud because if I hit a wall I will come back under GC moderation ..lol ..

I'm being moderated at the mo through GC as they think I may kick off..I'm kinda glad really as its like I'm policed and I sort of like it as I'm my real life I'm Miss Perfect and I like being moderated! Makes me feel a bit deviant ! (I may get a tattoo)

It's kinda like Anthea Turner being arrested :-)))

Anyhooo ...I just wanted to say...Im glad you exist..there needs to be more Sandra's in the world !!!

Xxxxx

Lol...i think i am losing my marbles!! What's going on with posts today?

I think it VERY wrong to be stopped to say what you want to say....but that's another story for another day.

Thank you all so much, most appreciated.

Well diary,

Last day off, try to get as much rest as i could this weekend, couse hitting work head on next week and do 7 nights in a row..maybe less time here lol...comes handy now and again haha

All good, i am rooting for all of you here, no matter which side of the fence, we are all humans and have hearts xxx

Off to cinema...hey ho here we go !!!

Love to all

Sandra xx

P.s. no gambling to report

Hey baby girl...thanx for the words..oh yea, plenty of time in a week to catch up....and kick some arses lol...hopefully not urs haha...watchin ya 😀 xx

Dear diary,

Not too good day today (except cinema)... I thought a lot about past...childhood...

still managing to control my moods which is good...just few words on my diary and off to bed...

NO GAMBLING AND THAT'S WHAT MATTERS THE MOST !!!

Peace out

Tomorrow is another day and bk to work thank god.....more fun on a way ;-))

Blonde and bright S back on a wagon...day 97 xx

Hi Sandra,

Glad to see you're still going strong, and hope you enjoyed the cinema. Hair colour is a weird one, and sometimes it just needs the right mix of genes to throw a wildcard out there with a colour that has skipped a generation or two, or may just seem to be completely different. I know if I shave my mop of brown crow's nest type hair, I have a patch of blonde on the left side of my head, which turns brown as it grows out. Probably been dropped there as a child!

That 15 hours of sleep sounds amazing, I could do with it myself.! Keep up the good work.

Ryan