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Hi Sandra

Just a little call in to see how you are doing and to say hello 🙂 Hope all is well and I can see you are still helping a lot of others. I hope you are happy and keeping strong 🙂

Amanda

Hi Sandra,

Thanks very much for your message. I hope that yo have a great weekend.

Best wishes

Dave

Thanks for reminding me to check in!

take care

Irene

x

Thank you all so much, most appreciated xx

Dear diary,

Another day ticked off in my journey. No urges, no danger..just a bit of anger surfacing up now and again. I need to learn to forgive others, to start forgiving myself. It is tough thing to do. I am scratchng my unhealed wounds too often. Sometimes journey seems never ending and i take first roundabout available on the way and head back down memory lane...

...anyway, it is all about gambling on here. And i don't do it anymore...let's keep it simple 🙂

Day at a time

Keep breathing and believing xx

S x

..sigh...tough day in a office, but tomorrow is a new day x

Hi Sis,

I am loving that new thread title. I know the feeling of running in circles but as Julie put so eloquently, you ARE resilient, strong, and determined. And, I too am very proud to be working this recovery with you! -joanxxx

Hi there lovely lady

certainly plenty of rain to dance in today and a thunderstorm, hail and wind just for luck.

Had to chase my dustbin lid round the garden before it went in the river, lost a whole dustbin full of bird seed last year just wandered off down the river in the flood.

Do feel like dancing as back home again now, plenty of damage to repair but I have the cash to do it as haven't wasted it all.

Thank you for caring what happened to me and staying alongside when things are tough.

Here for you any time.

xxx

Hi Sandra... keep ticking them days off your doing mighty fine :-).. Thanks for your support you lift my spirits when am feeling low. take care... S.A 🙂

Lol Sis,

I had a good laugh over the poo sculptures along the red carpet. God I am still cringing at the thought of having to sit through it. Anyway, P is very much committed to recovery. In fact, I believe that she got into it more or less because of me. Now, I know some folks might be thinking hey that joan must think a lot of herself but, no. I am just being honest. P takes the path of least resistance and if gambling is what we are doing then gambling it will be. P would rather be shopping or smoking her ciggies. Not to say that she is not addicted to slots. She is but, I think that I struggle a wee bit more with letting them go. Like I said if P had her druthers she would be shopping. She does not log onto gamcare because she lets me have my space here. I do keep her plenty updated though. Anyway, going on here... waving back attcha! -joanxxx

Hey thank you all so much xx

Didn't realise where time went lol.....but...better on here than on slots!!!!

Time to go to work, speak later

No gambling, day 118.

Take care all and have a lovely Sunday

S xx

Yeah Sis, I am definitely the one on the short lead. Lol. I read your post to P and she got the biggest laugh ( at my expense of course.) She wanted me to tell you that she loved the idea of taping the grammy awards and strapping me down in front of it whenever I get out of line. Lol! Still so freaking cold here. But hey as Dragonfly would say; it keeps me off the streets. (((S))) joanxxx

ROFL Joan :-)))

Oh you two are keepers...that's a bit rough lol, i didn't mean to include all the chains to keep u in line lol...the idea is to punish, not to do smthing u mite like lol lol xx enjoy ur grammies :-))

Thank you Julie, i am keeping a beady eye on you don't u worry :-))....ordering me to rush to work!! Lol...yes boss 😀 x

Dear diary,

Another day in my recovery, and it's not too bad. Everything seems in right places at the min ( mind u, i might be overtired lol )

Soon be home time, planning a day of cooking tomorrow. Got few lovely recipes from my colleague 🙂

Got paid too, which don't mk much diference in my daily routine, only good to know my debt will get a bit lower and i will pay everything on time. It is great to get out of overdraft and not to overthink everything coming out of my account.

Well, enough blah blah lol...mite fall asleep soon..anyway,need to go and get everyone in line lol..can't leave kids unattended for too long.

Keep safe and warm all...out of trouble of course!!

Day at a time

Keep fighting the good fight

Sandra x

Thank you Julie, look after yourself xx

Dear diary,

Not too good today... I am trying not overthink it all, but my mind is going 1000 mph..

I had 3 hrs sleep, so I think, my recent weekend work might have something to do with the way I feel.

I woke up in high spirits, wrote the longest post ever, which got lost in a cyber space..P***** me off...not gonna do it again...I tried to go for a run, 3 cups of coffee later I am still sat here feeling miserable.. I will not go today..

I have contactet netline, felt really strong urges....they gone....just to come back an hour later...

I rang my sister, just to listen to her moaning about her day....ended conversation quickly...she is not bothered about anyone, just herself...

I don't know what to do with myself today...don't want anything...don't want to exist...memories hunts me, and I feel myself falling into the dark place. I WILL NEVER EVER LET IT GO...as much as I try, I know I will not. My life is ruined, and by not gambling...I am not sorting the rest of the issues out...I am tired diary, tired of recovery. Maybe it is just today, ...but I am being honest..

I want to isolate and be on my own...I want to run to that quiet place of my own. To cry, shout and hate the world...the world I was gifted by my parents..

Today, I don't see the way out, but I am aware it is only today...the thing is, I have a feeling it will be the same tomorrow... I have nothing to look forward to. I don't have drive to go out and face the world. People annoys me, they do...I can only feel myself here..

I was told the other day by my mate...if you keep posting less and spend less time on here that means you are feeling better and don't rely on this site that much...

It is not the case...I am very much so attached to this site..I can't see myself doing it on my own..it hurts to read some posts, but I am used to pain. I want to feel it and see the reality.

I wonder how it feels to pull back..do ppl just forget what they posted here, the words they shared, support they gave, friendships they made?....will I ever get to that place to be strong enough to face my day by myself?

I hate myself today. I feel guilty for everything in my life. I feel guilty for being vulnerable girl and being taken advantage of. I am mad at myself for piling s**t on my shoulders as the years past by....f*****g ESCAPE ROUTES...always...one way or another, I keep ending up in the same place. Self hate and self destruction. I hate it all. I will never heal and it makes me mad...

I don't want to type anymore...gonna open wine soon, and enjoy my lovely escape route from reality...it is what it is - my life.

Not gonna read this post back, don't care how it sounds. Wrote it for myself, couse still trying to put dots at the end of my life sentences.

Tomorrow is another day....but it is far away from today..

Sx

Hello ((((Sandra))))

I relate to much of what you describe. I am not haunted by dark memories but I do find most days a struggle in reality. I often find other people annoying as well and it makes me want to isolate. I come here for therapy and relaxation. It works.

I use to be affected when regulars stopped posting and it got me wanting to stop posting as well... following the crowd, exiting stage left.. but I'd always come back. This place continues to work for me even after approaching 7 years of posting.

My opinion is that most people stop posting because they are gambling again or have made the decision in principle to return to their old ways. There are notable exceptions to this. There are perhaps 20 people in the time that I have been around who don't post anymore and are "probably" secure in recovery.. but not many more than that.

It demonstrates that you are working recovery when you post on days when you are struggling within. Keep posting... take care... S.A 🙂

Hey Sandra

I hope your feeling a little better now. I stopped posting because I was back to my old ways and I couldn't face up to what I was doing. I have missed coming on here.

Im sorry to hear you are struggling today. Today has been a hard day for me also. I felt like I was in a dark place tpday and didn't know where to turn. Yet I opened up the diaries and it made me feel better. I forgot the reason why I used to come on here. You have been a great support for me and many others, and I just want to say a big thank you for your posts. I had tears in my eyes when I read your diary. Hope you are feeling a bit better.

Take care

nicki x

Hey Sandra

Thanks for your post tonight. Have a good night sleep and try to smile 🙂 that's what im trying to do.

Take care

Nic x