...

Thank you.

Im going to keep posting. Life takes me away from support sometimes. Its hard to stay focused. Maybe my way of avoiding issues. It got to the point where I couldn't look at other peoples posts because I was scared of what I would read. I got paranoid. I think Im rambling now but I will keep posting keep reading keep focused.

Hey Sandra

I hope by the time you read my post you will be onto a new day. One where you feel a million miles away from how you have felt today. You are such a lovely caring person to everyone on this forum and you can see from all the posts from others that they hold you in high esteem as i do also!! its heartbreaking when you read about good people on here struggling every now and again but i'm a very intuitive person and i feel strongly that you have an amazing fight inside you.. you just need to believe in yourself more, carry on abstaining from gambling and in time your self esteem and confidence will rocket in all areas of your life. Just like this will happen for the majority of people on here if we keep making the right decisions and remain gamble free. Gambling nearly killed me, yep, as simple as that, i was so close to that point where its GAME OVER, end of life. Scary scary scary, can never go back. You've had a s**t day today and feel tired of the recovery and stuff, that's normal, we all get these days and we will all get them again and again but they will be less and less frequent for us all. Keep strong and i promise you will be fine.

Speak to you soon.

Craig xx

Hi Sandra,

Hope the wine gave you a little time away from the worries and stresses of recovery. The bottle doesn't hold the answer, but sometimes it offers a form of release that we don't get that often. I am sorry I haven't come on and read and replied to your post earlier, my selfish self pitying self couldn't see beyond my own funk.

Like you said, we are in this together, and I guess this Monday caught us both in a pretty bad way. I'm not sure if you get the same feeling, but I find it can be easier to support and advise others than to look inwards and solve the problems inside. One thing you are wrong about though, you will heal, and the dark places are just steps on the journey, not the destination.

Hope you too can keep fighting, your post helped to give me the strength to kick on and drag myself out of my mood today. Remember that we are all just a work in progress, and we can't fix everything all at once. Maybe I can't get my words to explain what I really mean, that brain still not doing everything its told.

My thoughts are with you, and thanks so much for being yourself and the support you offered.

Ryan

Hi Sandra

also lost a long diary entry last night just when I had written all my feelings down too. So frustrating and made me feel worse instead of better.

Sad to see you are feeling so low and only hope that it passes quickly and you feel better able to cope with the new day.

I called by to say thank you for all the support you give me. Its raining and I am yet again ankle deep in water as it creeps up my garden but I shall remember your encouraging words from the last few weeks and battle on.

I used to work nights and think it is so much harder to fight the demons when you are exhausted so hoping you get some rest very soon.

xxx

Thank you all so much xxx ( I forgot to put at the end of my last post - no replies pls lol )

So, ok, diary. No damage done, just headache from wine...yuk...never again...so we say lol..

No gambling, only nursing my head and trying to go for a run soon...had 14 hrs drunken sleep, but at least it was some sort of sleep and not staying up.

Very bad day yesterday, but we have to accept them all...s**t happens eh??

Day 120. Keep it simple. Day at a time

Take care al

Sandra x

Thank you rainman

Dear diary,

Can't sleep and mind seems to be going in circles. I am not getting upset or mad with myself, i just think once again - what next?

I desperately need a change. I can't carry on as i do. I seem to be hard on myself and put myself down more than i should do.

I don't like my job. I dread going there...i need to work harder on this. I need to change. But it is job, it is paying money. I can be right stresshead in there. Others affects me, and my manager don't help by coming in at the start of the shift, getting stressed about things ( which affects me the same way) and that's it...only see him in a morning...it is like, you can deal with it...all night...couse you are the superstar ( should this mk me feel better? It is not solving ongoing issues there, i need the suport and help from ppl higher up )...

Aghr...why i put this down?...i will change. I ve got gambling out of the picture now....still very tough to navigate without escaping back there, but i have to stay strong...

I really want to save up...move out smthere on my own..and get a dog...just simple things in life would brighten my heart up...

It is strange, when things can change in a blink of the eye.life maybe wasn't very kind to me in the past, but i am the one to take my future in my hands. I can control many things in life. I can be better person. I am not waste of space, my anxiety tells me...i can get out there and do better for myself..i only have to let past go..simple and clear..let it go...

Anything is possible, no need to look for escape routes. I am here, healthy, strong and determined person.

Life is not easy...but it is life.. i make life and i chose to live it happilly or not. Why to torture myself if nothing wrong is happening? I am in recovery, i have job, i have roof over my head..working boiler and heating, food in the fridge...i have people around me who is getting out of their skin to drag me out into the world outside..

I need to do it..enough sitting on my a**e and feeling sorry for myself. Just need to open my eyes to the wide world and give it another shot....a chance to feel happiness and peace...

More belief and determination..it is here..just hard to reach for it...but i will..i know i can.

Will not gamble today

Day at a time...all it takes to get on the safe surface....

...more thoughts to follow....

Sandra x

Hi Sandra,

Hope you're okay this evening - keep reaching for that peace and happiness, it is what you will get and what you deserve.

Sometimes I read your posts and I see myself, I'm also trying to figure out whether I want the stability of a house, upgrading the car and getting a dog. The other option is saving up, leaving it all behind and going travelling. I tend to view the first one as the safe option, and the second one as the option that is riskier, but has more of a likelihood of me coming out the other end with a happy and contented life.

As you say, you have to take your future in your own hands, and start figuring out the future. (If you figure this one out, let me know, it's still bouncing back and forth in my brain).

Whatever choices you make, I hope your recovery is still going strong, and that you find a way not to be too hard on yourself.

Ryan

Hi Sandra

I have struggled for many a year with addiction of one kind or another and the last few years have found some serenity. I now totally accept that recovery is a way of life but I am not a victim of addiction. I am a survivor! Maybe I saw myself as a victim for too long and felt sorry for myself. Now I just get up in the mornings and feel blessed to have some recovery going.

Thanks for popping by on my diary. I maybe don't visit some diaries as their recovery seems strong but we could all do with a pick me up from time to time.

Take care

Yo,

Take a second to retread your last post .

It's full of hope and confidence that there is a better life out there for you .

Sadly it ain't gonna coming knocking at your door , you have to go and get it.

Are you capable of doing that , I know so. Cos abstaining from gambling takes buckets of strength and determination. Believe Hun , and anything possible 🙂

Shiny xxxxxx

Ps good morning 🙂

Hey Ryan, smiler and Julie. Thank you for ir kind words dear soldiers xxx

Diary,

Just checking in..not much to say..( everyone goes phew ..lol )..really calm mind , as well as calm day in a office. Feels like i'm on sedatives lol...nobody stressing me out and i seem to keep smiling more..haha..good feeling, may long it continue. ( u watch smthing gonna happen before i go home and i will be bk to square one )...but...i can hope for it not to happen :-)))

No gambling issues

Day at a time

S x

P.s. sneaky Shiny dropped in here too lol..thanx Hun xx

Hey Sandra

Love it... the smiles and the stress free calmness.. no reason why you don't start having more and more of these kind of days and less and less of the bad stressful days (that we all have, that's life). But great that you are a happy camper 🙂

I think of you and two words come into my head which i'd like you to remember - unstoppable determination!! how powerful do these two words sound.. amazing.. so anytime you have an urge to gamble, you think of those two powerful words!! 🙂

Cheers

Craig

ps treating myself to a wee chinese for dinner tonight.. its lovely to start appreciating the simple things in life again..hell, when i was in the grip of my addiction, i rarely thought about food, too busy gambling.. anyway its a nice feeling..

Hey Julie and Craig, thank you so much for dropping in, most appreciated 🙂

Dear diary,

Day xx and it is lovely to see many soldiers smashing through little milestones. Really proud of you all!! Keep up the good fight and keep sticking middle finger to this discusting beast!!

For me...another quiet day, feel tired but will not be long till some rest. No gambling to report

Day at a time

Keep it up all

We can do it

S x

Well done Sandra, another day gamble free is another win for you. Chin up and smash those last few days/hours until you can unwind and let your hair down again. The good fight? Frankly its a dirty gutter sniping opponent and the knee to the balls is just as effective as a good punch. Gambling fights dirty, which makes it so much harder to beat.

Anyway, well done on continuing gamble free, and hope the quiet days start to string together into a nice sequence.

All the best

Ryan

Sandra

Glad to see the resolve to abstain amd maintain is still growing.

I do love the soilders analogy.

'napalm' my choice!! lol

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hey wee pal

Thanks for reminder!

You are a star 🙂

take care

Irene

x