Going to keep this thread now!

Still reading and still nodding ...spew on here and dont keep it in f ....good you can get it out xxx

Hi Freda.... good stuff on the job. Better to be a bit bored in work than stressed out in work. In time and if you wanted it may lead on to other opportunities.

As for everything else, well it sounds like things are working out bit by bit. Onwards to better times. regards... S.A 🙂

Thanks you lot!

I finished my first week without any problems, and feel so chuffed and cautiously optimistic!

It is so nice to have things going right! Once I have worked a few weeks in a new job, I tend to relax a bit more, as it is not as bad if I did need to take any time off sick for any reason. I just want to get off on the right foot, and to not have my manager thinking of me as "unreliable" right from the start. I guess everyone feels the same, but when you have anxiety, you can manage it as best you can, but it can still flare up in spite of your best efforts. It is hard to hold a job down with a lot of sickness absence due to anxiety.

Someone was being really hostile and passive aggressive with me on Saturday, and it really stirred up a lot of emotion for me. I really struggle to deal with this kind of behaviour! I find it so manipulative and childish, and cowardly too. It's cowardly because the other person gets to take their anger out on you, but because they then deny it, and tell you you are imagining it, the issue can't be addressed and you have to just put up with it. They don't have the courage to admit they are angry. When I came away from this person, I felt really angry and upset. Really alienated and felt it was unfair. I was feeling that I didn't want to be around that person anymore, and initially decided to stop going to where I saw him. Once I calmed down, I changed my mind, and thought "why should I let someone elses unreasonable behaviour, spoil my enjoyment of something?" he goes to where I go for Reiki, and I really benefit from receiving it. I can't afford to access it regularly anywhere else, so it would be to the cost of my wellbeing if I stopped going. He is actually one of the people who runs the centre, and has often bad mouthed other people to me. He can be quite nasty and spiteful toward people whom he dislikes - yet he is a Reiki master and runs a spiritual church! so he really should know better. These are the kind of people who boil my pish the most - who take on roles that would make them appear to be really wonderful, saintly people - but they don't behave that way in reality.

I have no idea why he has taken against me, but I wouldn't be surprised if he was telling lies about me to other people. Anyway, I can't control what he says behind my back, and anyone worth knowing, will take me as they find me rather than judging me by things they are told.

You know what this kind of stuff is though? irritating. It really is a stupid, childish waste of everyone's energy. Even if I don't care whether he likes me or not, it still isn't comfortable being around someone elses hostility.

What a dikkhead!

Hey Hun....

Keep spewing ....from my experience re the Reiki master ...wherever you get the brightest light you get the darkest shadow ...

Some really weird folks are attracted to all the enlightened stuff go with your gut xxx

Aint that the truth Rach!

Look at Jimmy Saville - all that overcompensating to hide his dark side. This dude on Saturday is no Jimmy Saville like, just your common or garden dikk head. I think his taking on those roles in life are "me thinks the lady doth protest too much" in action basically. It's a worry.....anyway, not my bag to carry, his sheety Karma and he is welcome to it. Just hope vulnerable people aren't chewed up and spat out by him. The gut, by the way, says "RUUUNNNNNN!!!!!!" always trust the gut ; )

Hi there, think you should be uncautiously optimistic about job as sounds brill having no one looking over your shoulder all the time, think I might poke my boss's eyes out some days he watches so closely.

Know just what you mean about mothers, lost count of the times she has phoned me with some drama such a leaky tap never even asked how I am then said didn't know things were that bad, of course not she never asked and didn't listen when she was told by others silly woman. Didn't even tell her when I had cancer or was getting divorced no point. She told me her knee was hurting last week and couldn't understand why I laughed. I guess I justify her behaviour by acknowledging she has quite severe mental health problems but still hurts.

No wonder we want to block stuff out but both making a brill job of not using the comfort blanket so well done you and well done me.

xxx

Hi Freda

Just popping by to say hi and a cheeky hi-five for your cautious optimism. Sometimes it is hard to look back on what we have achieved with any real clarity but catching up with your diary showed me how many steps you have taken both baby and giant size to get where you are today.

Life is never easy is it! Something always gets thrown at us but you seem much better equipped now with a great positive attitude.

I was going back through my diary today and something you wrote about how we should always expect a bit of turbulence really stuck in m mind.

Keep on the path to happiness with a smile and I shall walk alongside you.

Paulds

Just hoping you are ok as know you are busy and lots going on at the moment.

Good job we have edit as instead of busy I had typo busty. oops

xxx

lol re - I did that typo once ages ago. I said I had a busty week ahead!!!

Hey thanks guys, I am still doing really great. I got my backdated benefit money paid into my bank account, and am very excited about going to the mental health charity who helped me, with a big cheque to donate next week : ))) well fairly big, 3 figures...lol

I have to confess I've not even been reading along lately, as too much stuff filling my headspace already at the mo, but hopefully normal service can resume soon!

I did my first shift at work without taking any Valium yesterday, which is a massive, massive thing for me. Felt great to be able to come home from work and have a beer!

Also had some backdated holiday pay and the donation sounds like excellent idea as my wastrel head is telling me it is spare and no one will know if it dissapears out of my account.

So glad the job has worked out well, really pleased for you.

xxx

HI there it's me again.

Understand completely why you are not around but just wanted to say thinking of you and hope all going well.

xxx

Keep motoring along in your own life Freda .....its your time and good to see you are enjoying your work xxxxx

Hi Freda,

Great to read things are going well in work for you and your have been paid what you deserve, lovely thoughtfull idea of yours to donate. You get back what you put out and you deserve good karma in bucket loads.

Take care

Blondie x

Hi Freda... good that the job has got off to a positive start.

Time for a update or else your in big trouble !!! 😉

take care.. S.A 🙂

Thanks exDoormat (just realised it's the new you, dotty!), re, Blondie, and SA

I'm fine really. Just haven't felt pulled to the diaries for a while, for some reason or other. I haven't been off gambling, although last week I did my usual, very occasional "I'll buy a lotto ticket" thing. Didn't like how I felt, even though it didn't plunge me straight into chaos, so decided "nah, won't do that any more".

Things are going really great! They aren't perfect, no such thing, but I have a job that I can do well and don't feel stressed by, enough money to live on, and things at home continue to be happy.

Do you know what has made a re-entry into my life? Hope. That's all I needed. To feel maybe I won't be pishing against the wind forever. Not much to ask eh?

Been doing a distance learning course, which I applied for before I got this job, so have been struggling to fit it in, but glad I have still gone ahead with it. It's free, and something I have wanted to do for a while, as I think it's a really useful tool. It's an equality and diversity certificate, which is applicable and useful whatever you do, and looks blinding on the old CV.

The charity were over the moon with the donation, and I think giving it, felt better than actually getting the money for myself. I am proud of myself for that.

I'm very proud of myself in general actually, because I face such a myriad of fears every day, and always try my best.

Day off today, and faffing about on the puter for a bit, then meeting a friend for coffee and cake : )