Going to keep this thread now!

Hi Freda,

I understand your feelings and frustration, many a time I have said stick that in your pipe and smoke it, Infact most of my life, because no one understood me.

They still don't, all I am going to do is give you a big hug (((((( freda))))))

I can't give you any answers but I am right on side of you. Because I feel your pain.

Suzanne xx

Hi Freda,

I understand your feelings and frustration, many a time I have said stick that in your pipe and smoke it, Infact most of my life, because no one understood me.

They still don't, all I am going to do is give you a big hug (((((( freda))))))

I can't give you any answers but I am right on side of you. Because I feel your pain.

Suzanne xx

Hi Freda,

Do you have a recipe for that P**e-cake? 😉 I think the biggest difficulty would be convincing anyone to eat anything that I have cooked or baked!

You don't have to justify your feelings to anyone else, as much as other people can offer advice and their opinions, its your head not theirs and in most cases they won't experience or be able to significantly change what you feel. I've always joked with friends and family that while their train of thought is an express heading to its destination, mine is a branch line that calls in at all sorts of random little places along the way.

Thanks

Ryan x

Hi Freda,

Coming by to wish you a wonderful and stress free New year. All we can do is try and work towards that harmony in our lives. Anything is possible and we are in control of what's next.

Stay safe and calm.

Take care, hugs

Sandra xxxx

Thanks Sandra x x x

I'm just very depressed at the moment. I am so depressed. I'm getting very little pleasure out of life. I feel like I'm in a prison, and can't get out. Not gambling.

Thank you NT x x

The storm has passed. I am calm once more. Lately, I have been experiencing the strongest of painful emotions. A few hours ago - although I wasn't actually planning to commit suicide - I couldn't see the point of going on living. I could only see pain ahead of me. I felt so hopeless. I cried so hard, for hours, with a real ache in my heart. I thought my heart was breaking. I'm champion now.

I don't think I am bi-polar, but I just think I'm expressing a lot of very painful emotion. Emotion that has possibly been pent up for decades.I keep having these meltdowns. So much emotion pours out of me, I don't know where it all comes from.

Anyway, it goes to show you can live through pretty much anything.

Hi Freda and thanks for posting a lovely message on my diary,

I hope you are feeling calm and more at peace with your self this morning, it looks like you have/are going through the mill at this time.

Sending you positive and calm thoughts and hope you have a better day.

Suzanne xxx

Hi Freda... its been a while. Despite everything.. your not gambling. Thats great. I have been reaching for gambling over recent months and it sucks but strangely out of no where I have found a new resurrgence to live a gamble free life.

I can appreciate the thing about being poor. I have always been poor. I know nothing different although my family is fairly wealthy. having nothing to fall back on can be very hard. It was many years ago when I was told that don't come to us if you want money. I frittered away many a bailout. Thats what families should do when your a compulsive gambler and thats what mine does. Unfortunately though the gambling monster within doesn't care. My anxiety is often because I know that no bailouts are on offer and i have to find a way through "myself" regardless of what i do to myself.

I assuming your partner is still your "rock" (for the most part anyway)... its good to have someone else there, isn't it? I have lived in isolation for too long. I know deep down its not a healthy way to live and be... but it is what it is.

Anyway, good to read that the storm has passed. I think you manage your storms just fine. You know that you will always reach a better place given time. Regards... S.A 🙂

Thanks SA,

I've cried all day again today. Real proper distressed grief. I think I've cried for about 6 or 7 hours in total. I could not see any point or way forward. Rang my Dad to ask for help tomorrow. He said he wasn't sure what time he would be able to get down to see me. I explained that I am really bad and scared to be alone, and he was just non-committal and non plussed. I should explain we'd already established that he didn't have anything important on. I said it didn't matter, I would sort something else out. I'm not always ringing him, just when I really do need help, and he can't really be arsed. That feels really hard. It makes me feel not worthless, but pretty close to that. I know deep down I deserve better.

I have reached out to a couple of friends today, even though I didn't want to put demands on them as they also have depression. One has been really supportive and helpful, I'm really grateful. The crisis team are coming out later to talk to me about putting some support in place. I'm not sure what they can do. You have to say you're suicidal, otherwise they won't come out. My husband was due to go to manchester tomorrow, but he has emailed work to explain that he has to stay here with me. Its really hard for him, it has upset him to see me so distressed. If family and supposed close friends had always done their job and been there for me a bit more, it's unlikely I would be in this state. For me it's not about money, it's support and encouragement that has been lacking. I've always been such a kind person, and would do anything for anyone until I got ill, then the phone stopped ringing. I know this post sounds like a right old pity party, but it is true that I haven't had much support and virtually no encouragement, and its no reason to give up - but it's normal and natural at times like this to feel sad and disappointed about this.

Good evening Freda,

Stumbled across your post and feel huge force to offer that hand and share my thoughts on this.
We often question ourselves what's the point? Esp when storms hits us unexpected...bloody highs and lows eh....mindset where something like gambling is not even entering our heads cause yea..that's right - there are a lot more serious thoughts whizzing around..really destroying and exhausting thoughts where we feel all we want to do is keep running from ourselves and stop this madness.
depression is one of the worst medical conditions. Why? Cause we start concentrating on ourselves so much and start loosing the sense surrounding us. Everyone hates us, work is s**t, zero motivation to get out of bed....for days, etc.. This condition brings emotional part of human beings out and as you say...we can cry for days even wondering where the b*****d tears are coming from.

As far as i read your post, i see that you did couple very important things to aid your wellbeing. First, you have reached out to your friend and she helped you to get that better state of mind back. You say she is depressed also. Now just give a second to the thought that actually you helped her back equally. Yes you did hun and talking is the best therapy found, esp with the friends you can trust. Subconsciously we help each other without even realising it. So well done girl cause you might of saved someone else going further downhill 🙂
Secondly, you contacted your dad. And as i see this was very tough move for you...but you did it, because deep inside you want to get to better place with yourself and desperately looking for that way out. You are very strong lady, this is the hardest thing to do for people who are feeling low.

I guess we all go through this in our lives..i am just glad to see that you're not putting extra pressure on yourself with wrong decisions on the way. You picked the right road, you ask for help. ....and this is not weakness...this is heroic move for yourself.

People cares and loves you sweetheart. They all looking for the ways to help you...accept that help, accept every singe warm word towards yourself.

Have you tried counselling before? I find it really therapeutic..talking is healing..not easy sometimes, but as everything...every day is different. S***e today...oh well...tomorrow is another one and if you feel tiny bit better than today, that is huge progress being made...that's enough..tiny steps forward.

Sorry for the ramble...just had to tap ya what my disorted thinking was telling me lol..Give yourself a chance to get better..allow yourself that and come out the other end.you can do it!!!!!

((((((Freda)))))))

Never on your own..keep talking and getting all poison out and down in this little box. It helps.

S xxx

Thanks Sandra x x

That was a lovely post. I should say that real life support has been lacking for me - as my virtual friends on here, have been amazing. Always.

Feeling much better today, although I';m knackered. Didn't sleep well, and was up to let workmen in at 8.30am. Am getting some CBT put in place for me by the crisis team, and a letter recommending more allowance of tranquilisers to my doctor, so I have enough to take an effective dose to slow down my thoughts when I get like that. I'm not at work today, so thankfully I will have some time to heal and relax.

Thanks also SA - I know you really relate to that feeling of oblivion that really shakes one to the core. I always find your input helpful and sensitive x x

Hi freda,

It's good to read you are feeling better today,

Take care

Suzanne xx

My marriage is over. I can't take anymore. I have not had any affection of any kind of a physical nature for 5 months now. He doesn't even want to kiss me passionately. The most affection I've had for 5 months has been the sort of kiss you give your granny. Literally.

He says he still loves me, but that is just f****d up. I can't live like that.

He has admitted that he has feelings for someone else. I feel strangely relieved.

It really hurts. He still loves me, is just not "in love with me". I heard it all last night, and I'm glad, as I'm very much a full-truth person. I need to know it all. That first bout of depression he had? When she got a boyfriend, and he realised he was jealous. He told her he thought he was in love with her. My husband told someone he was in love with them, months ago. At first she told him she didn't feel the same, but now she does.

He really loves me too. He has vowed to make sure I'm alright if I lose my job. Will send me money to help etc. I feel like I'm in some weird nightmare I can't wake up from.