Going to keep this thread now!

Hey Freda...

Had to drop by...Cheryl Cole had a nose job done???? No freaking way!!!! Lol lol

Hell girl, jokes aside...sayin that your earlier post had me in stitches lol lol and it is sooo good not to read about gambling on here..just every day life and P**sing off stuf lol

Freda, having anxiety is not the best feeling in the world. It does effect many parts of our daily life also. I can get so anxious i can hardly mutter a word on a phone sometimes. If i get low, depressed and so on..i tend to shut all the door and entry to reach me. Isolating and beating myself up for beating myself up if that makes sense. It is sad to read that it affects your work life too. I guess i am very similar and some days just struggle to say hi to others..imagine that fun working next to me for 12hrs while I'm quiet and overthinking stuff in my head. Plus that sometimes causes me go into rage and oh boy!!!! That's not very lady like from me for sure lol...seems like all i want most of the times is to be left alone and at peace..which doesn't even help things either lol..it's like no win win situation..work in progress and levelling my moods out for sure 🙂

d**n seem to go on a bit..i guess i know how you feel..that's all. Stay calm girl!!

S x

Freda!

I have come to see you with a long overdue high five. I have been catching up on your diary and it is great to see that you are still on here fighting the good fight. You have had some serious ups and downs but what stood out from your posts was how much overall progress you have made. You outlined it yourself with a fantastic list of your achievements a few months back.

These lives of ours are never going to be easy are they! but we are lucky as we can always make progress, sometimes we feel as if no progress has been made but your list proves this is not correct.

Take care Freda, stay safe and strong

Paulds.

Thanks guys 🙂 I am always up for a high five; you know me! 😀

Well, no more gambling since last I wrote. Pleeenty of anxiety though.

I have taken the week off work on the sick with anxiety. I just need a break.

My job isn't stressful or anxiety provoking, but doing it when I'm already anxious is horrible. I'm sick of gritting my teeth and soldiering through.

I am protected under the disability discrimination act, so as long as I'm not off work more than a few weeks a year with it, I'm covered. Of course it may put my chances of getting a promotion to a more fulfilling job on hold, but I'm not really in a place to take on a new challenge anyway. I feel it is far better to take care of myself now, rather than running the risk of deteriorating - as I have done in the past.

I've enjoyed having a bit of a rest, and catching up with some household stuff. The world seems so much better with freshly washed bedsheets, and a clean kitchen! 🙂

Hi Freda, how are you? Hope you are feeling a lot better and calmer with yourself. You know i spoke about my anxiety and panic attacks to my counsellor today. Last Sunday scared me like hell, where i thought i will pass out having people around me. Ii actually thought something horrible going to happen every 5 mins....like car is gonna crash, i am gonna get attacked, sister and nephew in danger out of the sudden and list carries on...) can't believe how our minds can work like that and send us to hell and back. Learned that is a lot about build up of the "event". Ya know if you feel yourself getting to the stage (sort of drowning) and all the rest of the world collapses around you. What really scared me, that i was told i might even get to the stage where i cannot leave the house or go to work. Now...i wish i could skip work lol..but for the other reasons. I truly understand how you feel..no meat feast at all and hope you can overcome this feeling. I got referred to EMDR, this is sort of counselling for PTSD (this is my case) but a lot to do with anxiety and panic attacks. Maybe check it out? ..anything what helps. (Well..in my case i will have 3 different counsellings at once lol...not funny..but that's how many issues/addictions i have)..sorry for the ramble, hope you are keeping safe. Take care. S x

hi freda ive had a gambling problem for over 15 years i just rececently stopped gambling for 10 months but i had a relapse 36 days ago. i suffer from anxiety and ive not been to work for 2 years next year in february. ive not drove in nearly 2 years in february next year.

Hi Freda,

Dropping by to ask how you're doing? Hope all is well with you and you keep winning the fight.
Little update would be great, but just hope that no news is good news on that front.

Take care and hope yo hear from you soon

S x

I did find out a way to get round my blocker, so had a lapse, but it's all sorted watertight now! Not too much damage done, considering.

I have been very, very depressed today. I had to shut myself in the disabled loo at work, to have a weep for half an hour. I have always been the same - I'm good at having the odd little cry, but the bulk of it generally comes out in a mighty surge like a volcano erupting. I had my last counselling session through occupational health today, and we touched on some really painful stuff. She ended up saying we should finish early as I was getting so upset. I don't think she could handle me. I always got a feeling of wariness from her, and didn't feel much empathy or compassion toward me from her. Put quite simply, we just didn't gel. It was good to have an outlet to offload, but I was often left feeling worse.

I also self-referred to a counselling service elsewhere, and should be hearing back from them anytime now. I liked the feeling there when I went for an assessment.

I have realised that I need to address my anger, because I'm bottling it up. I'm quite a gentle soul, and don't like to take it out on others if I can help it, but this means I'm bottling all of my anger and frustrations inside. It also means whenever someone is a bit obnoxious or rude, I feel scared that I'm going to "blow"; particularly when I'm at work. I've probably cried for about 5 hours today, in total, but I do feel better for it - if a bit knackered.

You might think I'm a bit mad, but I do think that because I've been attuned to a higher Reiki level, a lot of old stuff is being brought out. Like a cleansing. I also think that we are living in pretty dark times in general, and that can be felt by those sensitive to it.

Anyway, just a little tiddler of a post from me today. Might spew forth a bit more another time.

Still very depressed and off work. Went for a walk earlier, and kept needing to cry but didn't feel I could when people were walking past me. I would start crying, then close up again when I saw someone walking towards me. I wish I could cry freely in public. I feel so self conscious when people look at me and ask what is wrong. It feels so raw at the moment that I can't take the risk of opening up to anyone other than a professional when I feel like this. The thing I find is that most often people want you to stop crying because they feel uncomfortable with your pain, rather than a genuine wish for you to feel better and be alright. Think about the things that people say: don't cry, I'm worried about you, I don't like to see you like this and so on. They may also genuinely care, but they find it hard to accept that they can't fix it or make it better.

Not everyone is like this, but many are. When they say "cheer up, don't cry" it makes me dry up even if I'm not finished crying. Like I instinctively do whatever pleases them, even if it's not what's best for me. I put their feelings before my own. I say I'm OK because I want to be liked.

I just need kindness. I don't know how to get it.

Actually, maybe that's not true. Maybe I just feel like I need love when I feel like this. Because it would take the edge off the emotional pain. Maybe it's better to just face the emotional pain fully. It's just energy though, isn't it? It motivates you. I think I'm up for feeling my own pain, facing my fears and so on - but it takes a lot of energy and you get tired. Kindness just motivates you. It's like a hug. It's like nourishment. I feel malnourished.

I am angry. I'm enjoying getting this all out.

I love my husband so much for accepting my feelings without judging me. This is because his Dad really P*sses me off, and my husband agrees that his Dad is indeed insensitive and inappropriate, and that it's understandable that it P*sses me off. How amazing is he?

I have anxiety and depression, and try really hard to hold down my part-time job. I wish I could do something that earned me more money, but it's the best I can do. Every single time his Dad sees us - he is fully aware that I have anxiety and depression, and struggle at times with this job - he asks me if there is any chance of me getting a promotion. Every single time.

I really want to punch him in the face when he says it. He says it to my husband too, even though he has repeatedly told him there aren't any promotions available and that he is happy with this. Why would you P**s on someone's chips like that? Why can't he just f*****g well drop it? It makes me extremely uncomfortable. One of these days I am going to say the usual "No" but add "does that disappoint you?" he will of course lie and say "No" and I fantasise about calmly saying "Oh, then why do you ask us every time you see us? It doesn't make sense. Do you think we would hide it from you if one of us got a promotion?"

Hey,

So ok..you are P****d off and i am P****d off too lol. Makes great combination in my head lol.

So your hubbie's dad makes life a bit harder. So what? Are ypu married to him? No. So you live your life with your husband and hold your part time job. Keeps you afloat and on a balance. That's good. So why should you take in consideration what others thinks? Exactly, you do your thing what helps you in your daily quest.
f**k the rest. They r all entitled to their own opinion, but you have YOUR head on your shoulders. And good on you my friend!!

Any sense here?
I guess me being P****d off doesn't help much with you being P****d off lol. But we are on the same lines girl right?
So do what is best for you and keep up the good work you're doing.

Big fat hugs darling

S xxx

Ps. Being kind to yourself is all the love human being can gift themselves.
Don't look for it outside, look inside you and the rest will follow. As i have been told, others sees what inside you only if you allow that to happen.

Keep rambling and getting it all out. Keep winning.

Over and out for now.

S x

Thanks for your thoughts NT,

It is a possiblity for why he keeps asking me, but if there is no chance for progression for my husband (they don't really have a hierarchy in his office) why does he ask him every time he sees him? He is always reminding us that we don't earn enough money, and what are we going to do about it. We tell him we are happy as we are, but he doesn't listen. He is very controlling. Both my husband and his sister have very low self-esteem because he is always pestering them and pushing, in fact his sister had severe anorexia to the point where she almost died. Even if you are doing something with good intentions, you cannot just continue in that behaviour if you are asked to stop it because it's making the person feel bad. He has no concept of boundaries - he rang me to ask what my husband had been talking about in his counselling sessions! I said I didn't know, because it was none of my business, and if he had wanted to share those details with me he would have.

I don't care if someone means well, they have to respect people's boundaries. I do take your point that it doesn't make him a bad guy though! I don't hate him, his ignoring of my boundaries just P****s me off - particularly when it is a sore spot for me. It's like asking someone who has been trying for a baby for 3 years if they are pregnant yet, everytime you see them. It's not okay, makes them feel uncomfortable, and is none of your bloody business! If they get pregnant they will tell you, you don't need to pester them every five minutes. It puts unecessary pressure on people.

Hey Sandra, I think getting P**sed off and allowing that, and feeling that is what it's all about. Truth is, the vast majority of what people do is well intentioned, but that doesn't mean that your feelings about it are not permissible and valid.

So now my medication which works for me is being changed to a different one that doesn't, and I have no choice in the matter. They've also done this over Christmas, one of the hardest times for people with anxiety and depression. I'm off sick from work already with it, and now I have another thing to overcome in addition! Why? The one I have been moved onto is cheaper. It doesn't matter what the person wants anymore it seems - it's balancing the books. This makes me feel: frustrated, angry, vulnerable, powerless, weary, and fearful. I want no comments on how I feel, please. I feel these things right now. I won't always feel them, but right now I do! They are real, and I feel them. I'm not going to deny them, because someone might think I'm overreacting or viewing the situation wrong. I don't give a flying f**k what other people think of my feeling this way. I am tired. It wears you down. Yes, if this was the only hurdle I'd had to overcome this year I would probably not feel these things. I'd be taking it in my stride. There is nothing defective about me, I am not weaker than you. I'm tired. Very very tired. I used to take sheet like this in my stride too, until the gaps between the hurdles started getter smaller and smaller. This is what happens when you are poor. Small things matter. You have less to fall back on. And it starts to wear you down.

I'm at the doctors on Monday, so I'm going to ask how much it would cost to pay the difference myself. I believe you can do that. It will be more than the pathetic payrise I got this year, even though that wage still isn't a "living wage". That is the feeling - two steps forward, two steps back. I'm grateful for being in a better position overall today than I was in 2 years ago, but I still need more. In my experience, it is painstakingly slow to improve your quality of life when you are poor, and that sucks.

I will accept this and move forward regardless, but I've realised that I need to add in the step of allowing myself to feel the feeling too, instead of "being strong". For me, emotionally, that isn't healthy. I'm fed up today with this news, but that is better than immediately pasting a smile on my face so I don't bring other people down, and carrying that frustration around with me for goodness knows how long. Because I am thoroughly fed up and allowing all of those feelings mentioned above, to come up, I will most likely be over it tomorrow. That is better for me.

I don't know if I am making any sense to anyone, but I make sense to myself and I've realised that is all that matters. I don't need anyone else to validate my emotions and tell me it's OK to feel this way. I decide if it's OK or not, and it is.

So stick that in your pipe and smoke it, world!!!!!

Hi Freda,

Yep sticking it in the pipe and smoking it 🙂

Ya know i do relate to how you feel today. No validation needed for how we feel but i find it that if i keep f******G myself over unconsciously over it, it only makes matters worse.
So i let the feelings flow..that's the only way forward, don't fight it but let them come and go. Was gazing through window just not long ago...feel physically weared out and mad with myself for feeling this way. Sort of stopped in my tracks from living the life others "should" live..follow the herd so to spk.. today i say - f**k it, i feel S***e and i will walk my own little road ahead. Two steps forward two steps back is better than one forward and 10 back..Sometimes we set the expectations and bar for ourselves too high. Emotions comes flooding, few self pitty tears, few f**k it thoughts...and then emotions goes away..truly like a waves in a sea. Stormy sea..

Not saying suck it up and get on the with your feelings...saying, that the tide comes and goes...so yep..basically protesting to my own thoughts here lol..it will pass girl (and i deserve that "f you" you just said lol)...
i guess we best see what tomorrow brings eh? Get the thoughts out and don't bottle them in..this helps..
..you must feel it inside cause you got all that c**P out of your system just now.

Just my thoughts...which comes and goes today...exhausting but therapeutic.

Sandra xxx